(no subject)
I have journaled in a while so here is the low-down on life out McPherson way. I have been wrapping up my last major assignments this week which has been stressful like none other, but for the most part now EVERYTHING IS DONE! {finally}
I fell appart today in SALT. We were sharing prayer requests for the summer and I actually openned up about my plans to go Mercy. I struggle so much with feeling like an entire failure, and I am scared for this summer. I am scared of losing more weight, but I am more scared of gaining it. I watch myself eat less and less, and I feel like I am observing from outside my body. This girl is not me. I am healthy. I do not need to go to treatment for an eating disorder because I do not have an eating disorder... I just can't make myself eat (That's a classic quote, just like "I am not a bulimic, I just throw up after I eat," or "An anger problem does not count as an anger problem if the person you are angry at is yourself." I am so textbook.) I resent food so much for making my existence more difficult than it already is... I feel silly for saying things like this, like I am still in high school.
On the upside I have been very blessed by the response of those who I have had to tell about my plans. My whole wing prayed for me, and told me that they loved me. My boss told me that she would be praying for me too. I had to write a letter to the scholarship board to apply to get my scholarship deffered and they not only gave me the option of deffering my scholarship until the Spring or the Fall of 2006 (which allows me more flexiblity with how long I choose to remain in Mercy when I get there,) they also told me they would be praying for me this summer as I waited to get into Mercy. I don't understand people's love or concern, but it has blessed me to know that people do care for me. Central has become a family to me, and they have taught me a lot about love.
I received my next assignment from Mercy in the mail. It was a book called Mercy for Eating Disorders (not a very orginal title I know). It the best book I have read dealing with this issue. The testimonies were real and powerful. I could relate to these girls who felt like they had nothing to hold on to, but now all of them have been set free from bondage to sin through Christ's power, and his work at Mercy. It gave me a hope to hold on to that maybe that could happen to me too. There was also scripture, so much scripture, which I can use to quote to come against the enemy when he attacks me.
These last weeks I have learned to keep from magnifying the problem. I know I shouldn't lose weight, I know throwing up after meals is wrong, I know I don't eat enough, I watch myself over-conpensate for eating by exercising excessively, but I don't let Satan discourage me by making my eating disorder the center of my focus. Instead I am trying to learn more about God's character. I want to magnify Jesus, I want to magnify the Lord, and center my thoughts on Him- and his holiness
~For He is worthy TO BE PRAISED, and I want to be so mindful just to praise Him.
I fell appart today in SALT. We were sharing prayer requests for the summer and I actually openned up about my plans to go Mercy. I struggle so much with feeling like an entire failure, and I am scared for this summer. I am scared of losing more weight, but I am more scared of gaining it. I watch myself eat less and less, and I feel like I am observing from outside my body. This girl is not me. I am healthy. I do not need to go to treatment for an eating disorder because I do not have an eating disorder... I just can't make myself eat (That's a classic quote, just like "I am not a bulimic, I just throw up after I eat," or "An anger problem does not count as an anger problem if the person you are angry at is yourself." I am so textbook.) I resent food so much for making my existence more difficult than it already is... I feel silly for saying things like this, like I am still in high school.
On the upside I have been very blessed by the response of those who I have had to tell about my plans. My whole wing prayed for me, and told me that they loved me. My boss told me that she would be praying for me too. I had to write a letter to the scholarship board to apply to get my scholarship deffered and they not only gave me the option of deffering my scholarship until the Spring or the Fall of 2006 (which allows me more flexiblity with how long I choose to remain in Mercy when I get there,) they also told me they would be praying for me this summer as I waited to get into Mercy. I don't understand people's love or concern, but it has blessed me to know that people do care for me. Central has become a family to me, and they have taught me a lot about love.
I received my next assignment from Mercy in the mail. It was a book called Mercy for Eating Disorders (not a very orginal title I know). It the best book I have read dealing with this issue. The testimonies were real and powerful. I could relate to these girls who felt like they had nothing to hold on to, but now all of them have been set free from bondage to sin through Christ's power, and his work at Mercy. It gave me a hope to hold on to that maybe that could happen to me too. There was also scripture, so much scripture, which I can use to quote to come against the enemy when he attacks me.
These last weeks I have learned to keep from magnifying the problem. I know I shouldn't lose weight, I know throwing up after meals is wrong, I know I don't eat enough, I watch myself over-conpensate for eating by exercising excessively, but I don't let Satan discourage me by making my eating disorder the center of my focus. Instead I am trying to learn more about God's character. I want to magnify Jesus, I want to magnify the Lord, and center my thoughts on Him- and his holiness
~For He is worthy TO BE PRAISED, and I want to be so mindful just to praise Him.