DONOVASH OR YOU AIN'T SHIT
LANDON DONOVAN / STEVE NASH PRIMER
THIS IS SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, MY OTP. THEY ARE FUNNY AND AWKWARD AND UNSURE AND PERFECT, AND IF YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR ME AND/OR FOR TRUE LOVE, YOU WILL READ THIS PRIMER.
THE FIFA VIDEOS THAT STARTED IT ALL
THESE ARE THE VIDEOS THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE PAIRING; IT IS HOW THEY MET, NO LIE. LANDON LOOKS GREAT IN THIS FIRST ONE AND STEVE IS LOOKING INCREDIBLY SEXY WHILE MANSCAPING, AND SO IT'S REALLY WORTH A WATCH.
Click to viewTHEY LEGIT MEET IN THIS NEXT VIDEO; IT ALSO SPAWNS THE NICKNAME “L.D.” FOR LANDON. IN WHICH STEVE TRIES TOO HARD, CALLS LANDON “BABY,” AND FAILS MISERABLY AT IMPRESSING L.D.
PART THE THIRD. LANDON FREEZES STEVE OUT OF HIS LIFE EVEN THOUGH STEVE JUST WANTS TO PRACTICE SOCCER WITH HIM, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I MEAN, HE CAN DO THAT!!!
THE BEST PART OF THAT VIDEO IS EASILY HOW STEVE TAPED HIS OWN NAME OVER LANDON'S ON THE BACK OF HIS JERSEY, LIKE SO:
LUH-JIT.
BUT DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY DIDN'T APPEAR TO GET ALONG, THEY HAD THEIR MOMENTS ON SET. I MEAN, LOOK-- THEY'RE PRACTICALLY DRY HUMPING, THEY'RE SO CLOSE TOGETHER:
LANDON HAD HIS DOUBTS ABOUT THAT, THOUGH, SO HE PUT ENOUGH DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM THAT HE COULD KICK BOTH A SOCCER BALL AND STEVE'S BALLS, SHOULD HE FEEL THE NEED.
BUT WHATEVER! HE'S PLAYING HARD TO GET!! STEVE GETS THAT. AND SO WHEN LANDON SIGNS A JERSEY FOR HIM WITH A LITTLE SNARKY MESSAGE...
(GOIN' TOO HARD, L.D.!!)
...STEVE SIGNS A SNARKY ONE BACK. BECAUSE TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME AND STEVE IS DETERMINED TO WIN LANDON'S LOVE, BOTH BY SHOWERING HIM WITH WIT AND BY SHOWERING HIM WITH AFFECTION, TWO THINGS THAT STEVE HAS IN SPADES.
Z-I-N-G!
WHO IS STEVE NASH, REALLY?
YOU ALL ALREADY KNOW WHO LANDON DONOVAN IS, BUT WHO IS STEVE NASH? BASICALLY HE'S JUST A REALLY FUNNY DUDE. PLEASE, ALLOW HIM TO INTRODUCE HIMSELF IN THIS SHORT, LULZY SNIPPET:
SO, NOW YOU KNOW. HE'S JUST LIKE YOU, ONLY TEN TIMES BETTER.
NOW THAT THAT'S OUT OF THE WAY, LET ME TELL YOU THIS: HE LOVES SOCCER. LEGIT.
LIKE, LOVES IT ENOUGH TO TRAVEL TO THE WORLD CUP IN A CARDBOARD BOX:
HE HAS PARTIAL OWNERSHIP OF THE VANCOUVER WHITECAPS:
TRULY A STUNNING PHOTO
AND HE EVEN HAS FRIENDS IN THE BUSINESS, SUCH AS TITI:
AND TITI AND RYAN BABEL:
LOL RYAN BABEL'S HOVER HAND
AND RONALDINHO:
AND FORLAN:
AND BARCELONA FORWARD JUSTIN BEIBER, SECOND FROM LEFT:
BEIBS IS ABOUT THE RIGHT HEIGHT FOR IT, ANYWAYS.
AND HE'S EVEN TIGHT WITH SEPP BLATTER:
AND STEVE'S SO GOOD AT SOCCER THAT HE'S RECEIVED CONTRACT OFFERS FROM REAL MADRID:
(ALSO PICTURED: KAKA)
AND BARCELONA:
AND THE SPURS:
AND THE FRENCH NATIONAL TEAM:
AND THE ARGENTINIAN NATIONAL TEAM:
AND EVEN TITI'S FIVE-A-SIDE TEAM FOR OFF-SEASON PICK-UP GAMES IN THE PARK:
UNFORTUNATELY, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS DEFINITELY GOOD ENOUGH TO BE ON ALL OF THESE TEAMS, HIS BASKETBALL TEAM, THE PHOENIX SUNS, WOULDN'T LET HIM PLAY, BECAUSE HE WAS TOO VALUABLE A PLAYER TO THEM! BEING SO IMMENSELY TALENTED CAN BE ROUGH! AND STEVE KNOWS THAT.
TO TAKE OUT SOME OF HIS FRUSTRATION, HE CHOSE TO GO AROUND THE WORLD AND NUTMEG ALL THE FAMOUS SOCCER PLAYERS THAT HE COULD THINK OF, SHOWING THEM HOW IT'S REALLY DONE:
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, STEVE IS AN AMAZING POINT GUARD.
HE CURRENTLY PLAYS IN PHOENIX FOR THE SUNS, AND IS STILL KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES DESPITE BEING PRETTY SHORT FOR THE SPORT (6’3”) AND GETTING KINDA OLD (37, BUT DON’T LET HIM HEAR THAT YOU THINK THAT’S OLD!).
HE'S A 7-TIME NBA ALL-STAR, A 2-TIME NBA MVP, AND A 4-TIME MEMBER OF THE 50-40-90 CLUB, WHICH IS KIND OF A MASSIVE DEAL, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST START WORSHIPPING HIM ALREADY.
ALSO, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY THAT HE LOOKS GOOD IN HIS SLEEVELESS BASKETBALL JERSEY. I DON’T KNOW WHO, BUT. YOU KNOW. SOME PEOPLE. OR THAT’S WHAT I HEAR, AT LEAST. WHAT!? NO!! I TOTALLY DON’T THINK THAT, SHUT UP!!
OTHER FUN FACTS ABOUT STEVE INCLUDE THAT HE HAS A GIANT PENIS, THAT HIS HIPS ARE VERY ALLURING, THAT HE REALLY CAN BUST A MOVE ON THE DANCE FLOOR, AND THAT IN HIS SPARE TIME, HE LIKES TO PROTECT HIS TEAMMATES FROM THE AVIAN BIRD FLU.
NOTE: ALL OF THOSE LINKS ABOVE ARE FUNNY AND WORTH YOUR TIME. PROMISE. THEY WILL ENDEAR YOU TO HIS SENSE OF HUMOR AND TO HIS WONDERFUL BEING IN GENERAL, AND TO THE WAY THAT HE WON’T LET NOBODY COP A FEEL, NOT EVEN PEOPLE WITH MASSIVE HANDS LIKE SHAQ, BECAUSE HIS LOVE FOR LANDON IS JUST THAT STRONG.
PHOTOS AND FICLETS OF THE LOVEBIRDS
"This is gonna be great, L.D.!" Steve yells to Landon over the noise of the plane, but Landon can barely hear him over the sound of his own emotional breakdown. "You'll really love it, I promise!"
"When I agreed to this," Landon yells back, "you said I'd be strapped to a professional!" The door to the plane is open, and the wind is roaring in his ears, and Landon is ninety-five percent positive that he's going to die. There's a lot that he still hasn't done with his life: he'd have liked to own a dog, at some point, or maybe win a World Cup; his mom probably would've wanted him to say goodbye. Instead, he's strapped to Steve's front and he's fairly positive he's not wearing enough gear, or the proper gear, or any gear at all, really, and the only other people in the plane are the pilot and someone who works for the skydiving company.
"L.D.," Steve says, and he's laughing; Landon is absolutely terrified. "I am the professional; I've totally done this once before."
"Steve--" Landon says, because he is not-- there is no way-- "Don't you fucking dare--"
And then Steve throws the two of them out of the plane.
Landon curses the whole way, swearing up and down that if he lives, he won't ever talk to Steve again; Steve either doesn't hear him or doesn't care.
"WHOO!!!" he yells in Landon's ear. "HA HA HA, WHOOOO!!!! L.D., LOOK HOW HIGH UP WE ARE!!! WHOOOO!!!"
Landon closes his eyes and shakes his head.
"Unbelievable," he yells, and Steve keeps laughing behind him.
"Oh my god," Landon said. He's at a promotional event for Gillette and EA Sports, and he thinks-- he thinks-- he just beat Steve in a game of FIFA. "Oh my god, did I just--"
He looks over at Steve for confirmation, but Steve's just pouting, his face pulled into a frown and his arms crossed over his chest. And looking at him, Landon just-- he just starts laughing. Really laughing, because he finally beat Steve and it just feels so good. He throws his hands up in the air, kicks his feet out, and he just keeps laughing, cheering because this was a long time coming.
He looks over at Steve again, and Steve's pouting pretty seriously.
"Oh, come on," Landon laughs.
"This game is stupid anyways," Steve says. He gets up, throws his controller down on his empty seat, and then just leaves.
Landon knows he probably shouldn't, but he just laughs harder at that.
"L.D., we're in a magazine together," Steve says for not the first time. "Sports Illustrated. Look at you, all tiny in the audience."
"I know," Landon says, and he chooses to ignore the dig on his size. "We're looking at it right now. You made me buy ten copies of it."
Steve rolls up the magazine and hits Landon on the arm with it, before unrolling it and attempting to smooth out the wrinkles. Landon thinks maybe this is why he had to buy so many.
"This is our first picture together, L.D.," Steve says, and he holds the photo up even with his face, smiles wide at Landon; Landon wants to roll his eyes, but manages to find it within himself not to. "You don't understand," Steve sighs.
"What I don't understand," Landon says, "is what the hell you thought you were doing in that photo."
Steve lets out a loud bark of laughter, as if Landon's attitude caught him off-guard, and then he says, "I was trying to impress you, L.D.!"
"But--" Landon says, and he struggles to search for the right words. "But you're the least impressive person I've ever met."
"And that's impressive, isn't it?" Steve waggles his eyebrows and Landon tries his hardest to hold back his smile, because Steve does have a point. "Ah!" Steve yells, and he points his finger in Landon's face. "I see your smile! I knew it, I knew it!"
"Shut up," Landon says.
Steve just motions that he's locking his lips and then gives him a thumbs up.
Steve tells him that he wants to become a rapper.
"If Ron Artest can do it, so can I! I mean, he plays for LA, and I'm better than him," Steve says. Landon fails to see what the connection is between a musical career and basketball, but that's Steve, he guesses.
"Yeah, but. Basketball is different than rapping, Steve," he tries to explain.
"Look, LD, he thinks he's tough because he's from Queens? I'm from Africa; if anyone should have a rap career, it's me."
"That's... so racist, I don't even know what to say," Landon says. "Also, you moved when you were one and none of your family is actually from South Africa. You're Canadian; it's okay."
Steve just nods his head a bit, although it doesn't really look like he's paying much attention to Landon. "Do you think you could ask Benny if he'd let me use his studio?"
Landon pinches the bridge of his nose and, after letting out a long breath, he says, "Jesus Christ."
"You know what? Never mind, I'll just text him."
Landon doesn't know how or why Steve has Benny's number, or how he knows that Benny built a recording studio in his basement for fun, but he doesn't care. He just walks away, back to the bedroom and back to bed.
He can't deal with this shit.
MY POST, IN CONCLUSION
IF YOU STILL THINK AN ATTRACTIVE GAMER WOULDN’T WANT TO GET JIGGY WITH A JEDI, YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT.
FIC RECS
Problems of Placation
by luxover: Landon doesn't really know how he ended up here, on a soccer field with Steve Nash. Steve's loving it, really having a blast, but Landon could be having a better time. He could be on his couch at home watching The Hangover, or lip-synching to pop radio hits with Benny in his car. He could be napping.
Big Weekend Plans by luxover : Sequel to Problems of Placation; Steve’s there, wearing an inside-out Galaxy jersey because he’s not supposed to be wearing team colors in the box, and he’s holding a megaphone. He waves like a maniac when he sees Landon looking and yells, “Hey Landon! L.D., over here!” Landon just shakes his head and walks closer to midfield.
The Fic You Are About To Write Me After Reading This Beautiful Primer by You : I don’t know, how about you tell me what it’s about? I'm not above bribery; name your price, LJ, and I will meet it!
UNFORTUNATE HAIRSTYLES OF YOUTH TO TYFYT:
ALSO: VUVUZELAS: