A Wonderful White Christmas
Actually, I believe that the fact that this Christmas was white was the most unpleasant thing about it. In other words: it was wonderful and by far the best Christmas I have ever had! Due to the financial crisis, my family opted not to give gifts this year which made for the most stress free holiday ever! I literally went to the mall once this holiday season and it wasn't even for gift shopping! The only gift I had to worry about this year was my gift to Rob (which ended up being spectacular). I bought him a book covering the Oregon and Washington portions of the Pacific Crest Trail with in-depth trail descriptions and topographical maps. I also printed larger versions of the larger maps covering each of the twelve sections, and planned a trip that we will be taking in late August or early September. We spent a good portion of today talking about gear and how we need to start practicing orienteering. It will be a longer hike, with two supply drops along the way. We will need to recieve a rather large package at our second supply drop as we will be going off trail to visit Breitenbush and Bagby Hot Springs. In return, I recieved an REI membership, a compact camp stove, a water bottle, and the book LAMB (the gospel according to Biff, Christ's childhood pal). It was nice; this Christmas wasn't about finding the right gift to make so-and-so happy. This was the most non-capitalistic Christmas I have ever had and it was wonderful. The only gift exchanging was really about a shared passion, and rather than spending the break shopping and fretting and having panic attacks in crowded malls, I was able to spend time with my family and another someone I care for deeply. I got to go snow camping and play in the woods. I got a pet bunny rabbit (by the way, her name is Sophie after Sophie from Sophie's World). I got some time to figure out my priorities. Really, the greatest gift I got this holiday was the opportunity to experience it. I really couldn't be happier; I just feel so at peace. It has nothing to do with the holiday, but I feel like I am finally becoming the person I always knew I was supposed to be. I have really come to cherish who I am and what I am capable of. I don't think that I am being self centered, I have just finally learned to not only respect, but to rejoice in myself. Because, really, who I am is the only thing I can be sure I will always have. Money can be spent, property can be taken, relationships can be lost, but no one can take away your identity, who you see yourself as. And knowing that, that no matter what may happen you will always be in control of who you are, should bring you all the happiness in the world. But it really is a gift you have to give yourself. And for me, it has been a long time coming. I might have been wrong when saying that no one can take it away from you; what I meant was that no one can take it from you but yourself. It is easy to cheat ourselves out of self appreciation or to look to others to define who we are, but we can't let ourselves do that. At some point we all have to come to terms with, if we had known no one but ourselves, who we would be. After I left Travis I had no idea who I was supposed to be and I was afraid to be anyone other than who I'd been. It was almost like being reintroduced to society. I had to relearn everything. It sounds silly, but it took me over a year to be comfortable looking a man in the eyes. Since then I've worked very hard to become who I am today. And as I have begun to see the payoff, I am very grateful for it. Though the time I spent with Travis and after him may have been difficult, I really do think I am better for it. It's a little late for Thanksgiving, but if I really had to choose something to be thankful for, that would be it. I really feel like I have come so far since then. I find happiness and peace through my worldview (atheism), I have come to have a great appreciation for all that provides for me (family, nature, my own abilities), and I have found an amazing man to share this portion of my life with; someone who respects me, cares for me, excites me, and challenges me to be better at who I want to be. It really was a spectacular Christmas; I got everything I could have ever asked for and more.