(no subject)
It has been awhile since I updated. It sometimes is so difficult to type. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel in both my wrists, ulnar nueropathy in my right (dominant) arm, and C-6 cervical rediculopathy that radiates into my right arm. Some days my fingers, hand, wrist, and arm just die like someone shut off the electricity. Of course I still get by with little intervention. The doctor wants me to go to hand therapy, physical therapy, and wear and elbow pad. Typing has become an arduous task. Anyways I 'm still here lingering and keeping up to date with everyone.
There has been a lot going on since the last time I updated. I have come to a cross road and I am increasingly becoming restless with the corner that I backed myself into. Happiness is wanting what you have not having what you want and I am not neccessarily wanting what I have. I want more. I aspire to be more. Somewhere I got caught up in life and providing for my family that I forgot that I am a seperate entity unto myself and I have my own dreams and aspirations. Isn't weird that the word aspiration has two definitions. one being an object of desire, and the other one being pretty much choking.
Anyways, let me update on the individual aspects of my life......
Work
Well I am still working at Golden Living's The Cedars Nursing Facility. Let me tell you this got to be one of the worst nursing homes ever. They pay really good though. I make 13.60 an hour there whereas I probably wouldn't make more then 11 anywhere else. There benefits suck but I have medicaid so that is not of immediate concern. I have been working the night shift because its just easier and I don't really like days. Well I hate it but I have learned to come to love the residents. There is always some kind of drama going on and there is no team work. Some of the co workers are cool while others are just trifling ass hefers! Well recently they had posted for a receptionist position. I applied for it because I felt that I am qualified. I have advanced computer skills, excellent customer service, educational training in that catergory, and job experience. Well I interviewed and all was well. I didn't want to apply for the job at first because I knew if they didn't hire me for it and hired outbound that it would devastate me and I would want tot quit. Well two weeks later and they are telling me they have all these applicants they need to interview before making their final decision. I was even willing to stay as an aide prn and every other weekend so the floor wouldn't be short. Well I was talking to the night receptionist and she didn't even know of me applying she said that they told her the other day that they hadn't even started interviewing when in fact they interviewed me. Truth is they didn't interview anyone worth hiring. They are not going to pull me from the floor to better myself. Anways fuck them. So when I came to accept this I told them that I needed a day shift because of personal reasons (Clifton and I had been having problems and I don't want to depend on him, but I will get into that in his section). Well I have this friend that I made at work. We always worked the same unit so we worked together. We were a real good team. The only thing is she slept a lot during down time. Everyone warned her. Getting her in trouble became everyone's mission. She still slept. Well to make a long story short she missed some time and then they called her and suspended her upon investigation of a rumor that she had been sleeping. Well they investigated it and a bunch of people corroborated and they fired her. Well the other day I stayed over to talk to the D.O.N. about switching shifts. No one asked me to stay, I just stayed because I end up going home and going to sleep and by the time I wake up it's after 5pm. Well I go in there and they side swept me and piled in the room. I thought it was weird because I just had a question. I told them that I wanted the shift and I know in the past I have been tardy but that would remedy itself immediately upon transfer. I told them that nigth shift was catching up to me and that I get that last nap before coming and sometimes oversleep. Well the D.O.N who is new, said while we are on that subject it has come to my attention that you are sleeping and this is your warning I will fire you if you get caught sleeping. I told her do you not find it odd that it has come to your attention after my best friend just got fired the other day for sleeping. Do you not find it the least bit coincidental. She said, "Actually you were the first person named and the number one offender." I told her that I wasn't going to sit and lie and say that I never nodded or bobbed my head but to outright sleep without respect to anyone now thats a fucking lie. She was very cold to me and told me she would let me know in a week what her decision would be. I left there and was pissed off rageful. I almost quit there. Its a fucking witch hunt. So I called another coworker that is my friend and she was telling me how a bunch of girls gathered and was talking about a letter I wrote. In the letter I was asking that a policy be mandated and posted about which unit will help which unit in the case of need. I also named 4 people that went above and beyond to help me. I wanted this people to get credit. Well it was perceived by those trifling hefers that hI ratted them out therefore who knows they might have made up this lie. Everyone I talked to says its bullshit. Anyways I am pissed and trying to find something else. God has told me through this restless feeling in my soul that it is time to go the hospital and shine where I am meant to shine. I have been complacent by working in these nursing homes because I don' thave to aspire to be more. I HEAR YA, GOD! I am willing just waiting for that opportunity.
The Kids
The kid are doing really good. They are getting big. Sometimes they are a source of such
and other times they make me so upset. I had to pull them out of daycare about 6 months ago because they wanted to much of a copayment from me and I was supposed to be getting help from social services. Clifton watched them for some time but his level of commitment is erratic an unrealiable so I had to find an alternate means of care so I could sleep. The kids started to go to a home daycare run by the wonderful Ms. Tasha and Ms. Lissa. 150 a week for both kids, breakfast lunch and snack included, and she used to teach them at ABC daycare so I knew I could trust her completely. My kids love her and her family. She is so good to them.I am so blessed. Jaeden is looking to go to preschool next year and I am excited about that but for now I couldn't have asked for anything better. Now for the break down of each kid....
Jaeden:
Jaeden is a wonderful kid. He is so smart but at times he acts like he don't understand as a way to manipulate. He cries and whines a lot. He is totally obsessed with food. Cooking it, eating it, watching others eat it. It really concerns me. He will watch cooking shows with me like he watches SpongeBob. He just turned four on December 21st. We had a huge kung fu panda party in which I invited too many kids. Nevertheless it was great. He still loves to play with his trucks and his army men which he calls injuns. I dont' know why. He loves his brother very much but they are in competetion for attention. He does better in hisbehavior when Channing spends the weekend with Clifton's mom. They fight over toys all the time. I admit sometimes I yell at Jaeden way too much. He is just so willfull and wants to do what he wants. He is lovable and loving. He is at that phase which when he does not get his way he says stuff like I'm leaving you, you don' t love me, I don't love you, I hate you, I don't want to live with you. Most of the time I can write these off as a phase in a stage but sometimes (especially when I am tired and fighting with clifton) I get so pissed off. Anyways he is a great kid and I am blessed to have him.
Channing:
This boy is something else. He is so delightful and mischevious. He touches everything. The more you tell him to put something down, the more he is going to grab it and run. He tucks whatever it is under his arm like a football and fakes you out and everything. I got a little quarterback on my hands or a stunt man. He will jump off of things and when you try to grab him to stop he jumps, hits the ground, rolls until he can't roll anymore, crawls until he gets his footing , and the halls ass. It is very comical to watch. It is also very frusterating when you are trying to dress him. He will be two in March 19th. I can't believe it. He is complete Daddy's Boy. DADADADADA! It makes me sick. I have a lot of guilt when it comes to channing because after the first three months of his life I worked so much and went to school that I shipped him to grandma's a lot because he cried so much and I was so tired. I didnt' get to spend time with him like I did Jaeden for the first year of his life. However, I am glad to have finally gotten the opportunity this past year to bond with him. He would be lost without Clifton. He loves his brother very much. He loves to bully his brother. He is spoiled horrible by Clifton's mom so he wants what he wants when he wants it. He will scream and throw himself on the floor. He is also loving but he enjoys being a bully. He loves to sing and dance and keep you running. He is very independent and wants to do stuff on his own. I am introducing him to the potty and we have successful went a handful of times. He has real bad eczema and I can' t find much to relieve it. The jury is still out on shots of steroids so right now i am looking for home remedies. Vaseline does the best. What can I say John had real bad eczema so he got it from him.
Clifton
Clifton and I have been having a lot of problems within the last couple of months. It was increasingly getting worse until I kicked him out last weekend. He came back later that night and I think he realized that I was serious. We have been together now for like two and half years. He has been out of work for like a year and half. He shows no iniative to find work however he is not like a leach. He just has this unrealistic view of life. He got laid off from his job when the housing market started to crash. He was first told that it would be a lay off for 6 months. In that first 6 months, he worked a bullshti job for like two weeks but he felt why should he get accustomed to a new job when he was going to go back. I understood. I was making 9 dollars an hour. One by one our luxuries got taken away. My Kia got repo'd granted it was a piece of shit but I couldn't afford a 270 dollar payment, 825 dollar rent, utilities, food, daycare, and what not. I held on long enough but then came a time when i decided we had to move because we were going to end up shits creek. Last January we moved in a delapidated trailer in a raggedy trailer park (so we thought at first). Rent was only 525 no credit check. We fixed it up real nice and the neighborhood and neighbors proved to be greater than I expected. I was handling it on the 9 dollars and hour but I wanted our luxuries back so I got a second job working 36 hours in an assisted living facility on the weekend. At this time he showed no iniative. He didn't even try. It was like he didn't understand why he had to get a job when his mom buys him stuff a lot and this place was supposed to be cheaper. I got the job where I am at now making a lot more money. Whatever! Well at the end of August my dad asked us to move in because he going through a heated divorce and he didn't want to lose his house until it was finalized. With much hesitation I agreed. Remember this is the same house I got kicked out of because of some bullshit. Clifton didn't want to but it was the summer and the Lake is great at the summer. I let him decide and he said yes. I lost my daycare so I needed him to stay home with the kids. This worked for a little but then I couldnt' depend on him to be consistent in his care. It was like he was fucking slow in the head. One day he had the kids playing outside and failed to give them lunch and the reason was they didn't ask for it. Thats fucking insane. I suspected that he was sleeping in and letting them play in the room by themselves. I came home a couple of times to them playing in the living room with his bedroom door locked. He claimed to just have shut it before I came home. We started fighting all the time. Well I put the kids in with Tasha and now I am secure about their care. However I still depend on him to be here at night and to use his car. Its our car but in reality its his car. Whenever we fight he threatens to leave me carless and without someone to watch the kids. I have never depended on anyone like this, so this is very traumatizing for me. We started fighting every other weekend because he still has to watch them so I can sleep. He leaves comes back. He calls me names. He is not the same person he once was. When all is well we are fine but when he gets a bug up his ass I can't stand him. Still no job. He doesn't ask me for anything but still I want to cut back on my hours and go back to school. He fucks with me about sleeping during the day. Its ridiculous. I love him but it is getting old. Last weekend I was so tired and I told him if he cut up this would be the weekend I'd let him go. Guess what? He acted like an ass. I kicked him out. I didn't care about the car.I didn't care about the job. I just was not going to put up with another day of it. He called me a couple of hours later crying and shit saying he didn't mean the things he said. I let him back with conditions. As far as our future, I am trying to get a day shift so the only person I have to depend on is the person I pay to watch my kids. I also am in the process of buying a car. 89 Toyota Camry....600 dollars....120 for axles...30 for brakes. Its fixed up and ready all I owe is 300 dollars when I get my income tax and get it legal.
Well thats all for now. My wrist is killing me. I will try to post more.
There has been a lot going on since the last time I updated. I have come to a cross road and I am increasingly becoming restless with the corner that I backed myself into. Happiness is wanting what you have not having what you want and I am not neccessarily wanting what I have. I want more. I aspire to be more. Somewhere I got caught up in life and providing for my family that I forgot that I am a seperate entity unto myself and I have my own dreams and aspirations. Isn't weird that the word aspiration has two definitions. one being an object of desire, and the other one being pretty much choking.
Anyways, let me update on the individual aspects of my life......
Work
Well I am still working at Golden Living's The Cedars Nursing Facility. Let me tell you this got to be one of the worst nursing homes ever. They pay really good though. I make 13.60 an hour there whereas I probably wouldn't make more then 11 anywhere else. There benefits suck but I have medicaid so that is not of immediate concern. I have been working the night shift because its just easier and I don't really like days. Well I hate it but I have learned to come to love the residents. There is always some kind of drama going on and there is no team work. Some of the co workers are cool while others are just trifling ass hefers! Well recently they had posted for a receptionist position. I applied for it because I felt that I am qualified. I have advanced computer skills, excellent customer service, educational training in that catergory, and job experience. Well I interviewed and all was well. I didn't want to apply for the job at first because I knew if they didn't hire me for it and hired outbound that it would devastate me and I would want tot quit. Well two weeks later and they are telling me they have all these applicants they need to interview before making their final decision. I was even willing to stay as an aide prn and every other weekend so the floor wouldn't be short. Well I was talking to the night receptionist and she didn't even know of me applying she said that they told her the other day that they hadn't even started interviewing when in fact they interviewed me. Truth is they didn't interview anyone worth hiring. They are not going to pull me from the floor to better myself. Anways fuck them. So when I came to accept this I told them that I needed a day shift because of personal reasons (Clifton and I had been having problems and I don't want to depend on him, but I will get into that in his section). Well I have this friend that I made at work. We always worked the same unit so we worked together. We were a real good team. The only thing is she slept a lot during down time. Everyone warned her. Getting her in trouble became everyone's mission. She still slept. Well to make a long story short she missed some time and then they called her and suspended her upon investigation of a rumor that she had been sleeping. Well they investigated it and a bunch of people corroborated and they fired her. Well the other day I stayed over to talk to the D.O.N. about switching shifts. No one asked me to stay, I just stayed because I end up going home and going to sleep and by the time I wake up it's after 5pm. Well I go in there and they side swept me and piled in the room. I thought it was weird because I just had a question. I told them that I wanted the shift and I know in the past I have been tardy but that would remedy itself immediately upon transfer. I told them that nigth shift was catching up to me and that I get that last nap before coming and sometimes oversleep. Well the D.O.N who is new, said while we are on that subject it has come to my attention that you are sleeping and this is your warning I will fire you if you get caught sleeping. I told her do you not find it odd that it has come to your attention after my best friend just got fired the other day for sleeping. Do you not find it the least bit coincidental. She said, "Actually you were the first person named and the number one offender." I told her that I wasn't going to sit and lie and say that I never nodded or bobbed my head but to outright sleep without respect to anyone now thats a fucking lie. She was very cold to me and told me she would let me know in a week what her decision would be. I left there and was pissed off rageful. I almost quit there. Its a fucking witch hunt. So I called another coworker that is my friend and she was telling me how a bunch of girls gathered and was talking about a letter I wrote. In the letter I was asking that a policy be mandated and posted about which unit will help which unit in the case of need. I also named 4 people that went above and beyond to help me. I wanted this people to get credit. Well it was perceived by those trifling hefers that hI ratted them out therefore who knows they might have made up this lie. Everyone I talked to says its bullshit. Anyways I am pissed and trying to find something else. God has told me through this restless feeling in my soul that it is time to go the hospital and shine where I am meant to shine. I have been complacent by working in these nursing homes because I don' thave to aspire to be more. I HEAR YA, GOD! I am willing just waiting for that opportunity.
The Kids
The kid are doing really good. They are getting big. Sometimes they are a source of such
and other times they make me so upset. I had to pull them out of daycare about 6 months ago because they wanted to much of a copayment from me and I was supposed to be getting help from social services. Clifton watched them for some time but his level of commitment is erratic an unrealiable so I had to find an alternate means of care so I could sleep. The kids started to go to a home daycare run by the wonderful Ms. Tasha and Ms. Lissa. 150 a week for both kids, breakfast lunch and snack included, and she used to teach them at ABC daycare so I knew I could trust her completely. My kids love her and her family. She is so good to them.I am so blessed. Jaeden is looking to go to preschool next year and I am excited about that but for now I couldn't have asked for anything better. Now for the break down of each kid....
Jaeden:
Jaeden is a wonderful kid. He is so smart but at times he acts like he don't understand as a way to manipulate. He cries and whines a lot. He is totally obsessed with food. Cooking it, eating it, watching others eat it. It really concerns me. He will watch cooking shows with me like he watches SpongeBob. He just turned four on December 21st. We had a huge kung fu panda party in which I invited too many kids. Nevertheless it was great. He still loves to play with his trucks and his army men which he calls injuns. I dont' know why. He loves his brother very much but they are in competetion for attention. He does better in hisbehavior when Channing spends the weekend with Clifton's mom. They fight over toys all the time. I admit sometimes I yell at Jaeden way too much. He is just so willfull and wants to do what he wants. He is lovable and loving. He is at that phase which when he does not get his way he says stuff like I'm leaving you, you don' t love me, I don't love you, I hate you, I don't want to live with you. Most of the time I can write these off as a phase in a stage but sometimes (especially when I am tired and fighting with clifton) I get so pissed off. Anyways he is a great kid and I am blessed to have him.
Channing:
This boy is something else. He is so delightful and mischevious. He touches everything. The more you tell him to put something down, the more he is going to grab it and run. He tucks whatever it is under his arm like a football and fakes you out and everything. I got a little quarterback on my hands or a stunt man. He will jump off of things and when you try to grab him to stop he jumps, hits the ground, rolls until he can't roll anymore, crawls until he gets his footing , and the halls ass. It is very comical to watch. It is also very frusterating when you are trying to dress him. He will be two in March 19th. I can't believe it. He is complete Daddy's Boy. DADADADADA! It makes me sick. I have a lot of guilt when it comes to channing because after the first three months of his life I worked so much and went to school that I shipped him to grandma's a lot because he cried so much and I was so tired. I didnt' get to spend time with him like I did Jaeden for the first year of his life. However, I am glad to have finally gotten the opportunity this past year to bond with him. He would be lost without Clifton. He loves his brother very much. He loves to bully his brother. He is spoiled horrible by Clifton's mom so he wants what he wants when he wants it. He will scream and throw himself on the floor. He is also loving but he enjoys being a bully. He loves to sing and dance and keep you running. He is very independent and wants to do stuff on his own. I am introducing him to the potty and we have successful went a handful of times. He has real bad eczema and I can' t find much to relieve it. The jury is still out on shots of steroids so right now i am looking for home remedies. Vaseline does the best. What can I say John had real bad eczema so he got it from him.
Clifton
Clifton and I have been having a lot of problems within the last couple of months. It was increasingly getting worse until I kicked him out last weekend. He came back later that night and I think he realized that I was serious. We have been together now for like two and half years. He has been out of work for like a year and half. He shows no iniative to find work however he is not like a leach. He just has this unrealistic view of life. He got laid off from his job when the housing market started to crash. He was first told that it would be a lay off for 6 months. In that first 6 months, he worked a bullshti job for like two weeks but he felt why should he get accustomed to a new job when he was going to go back. I understood. I was making 9 dollars an hour. One by one our luxuries got taken away. My Kia got repo'd granted it was a piece of shit but I couldn't afford a 270 dollar payment, 825 dollar rent, utilities, food, daycare, and what not. I held on long enough but then came a time when i decided we had to move because we were going to end up shits creek. Last January we moved in a delapidated trailer in a raggedy trailer park (so we thought at first). Rent was only 525 no credit check. We fixed it up real nice and the neighborhood and neighbors proved to be greater than I expected. I was handling it on the 9 dollars and hour but I wanted our luxuries back so I got a second job working 36 hours in an assisted living facility on the weekend. At this time he showed no iniative. He didn't even try. It was like he didn't understand why he had to get a job when his mom buys him stuff a lot and this place was supposed to be cheaper. I got the job where I am at now making a lot more money. Whatever! Well at the end of August my dad asked us to move in because he going through a heated divorce and he didn't want to lose his house until it was finalized. With much hesitation I agreed. Remember this is the same house I got kicked out of because of some bullshit. Clifton didn't want to but it was the summer and the Lake is great at the summer. I let him decide and he said yes. I lost my daycare so I needed him to stay home with the kids. This worked for a little but then I couldnt' depend on him to be consistent in his care. It was like he was fucking slow in the head. One day he had the kids playing outside and failed to give them lunch and the reason was they didn't ask for it. Thats fucking insane. I suspected that he was sleeping in and letting them play in the room by themselves. I came home a couple of times to them playing in the living room with his bedroom door locked. He claimed to just have shut it before I came home. We started fighting all the time. Well I put the kids in with Tasha and now I am secure about their care. However I still depend on him to be here at night and to use his car. Its our car but in reality its his car. Whenever we fight he threatens to leave me carless and without someone to watch the kids. I have never depended on anyone like this, so this is very traumatizing for me. We started fighting every other weekend because he still has to watch them so I can sleep. He leaves comes back. He calls me names. He is not the same person he once was. When all is well we are fine but when he gets a bug up his ass I can't stand him. Still no job. He doesn't ask me for anything but still I want to cut back on my hours and go back to school. He fucks with me about sleeping during the day. Its ridiculous. I love him but it is getting old. Last weekend I was so tired and I told him if he cut up this would be the weekend I'd let him go. Guess what? He acted like an ass. I kicked him out. I didn't care about the car.I didn't care about the job. I just was not going to put up with another day of it. He called me a couple of hours later crying and shit saying he didn't mean the things he said. I let him back with conditions. As far as our future, I am trying to get a day shift so the only person I have to depend on is the person I pay to watch my kids. I also am in the process of buying a car. 89 Toyota Camry....600 dollars....120 for axles...30 for brakes. Its fixed up and ready all I owe is 300 dollars when I get my income tax and get it legal.
Well thats all for now. My wrist is killing me. I will try to post more.