day 18
Breaking up is not easy. I'm not ok with it at all. It's not even that I think we had some great relationship or that we were insanely romantically in love. I guess I just hate it when I'm not good at something and breaking up means I failed, again. He is a very good person, we had a lot of really bad times but he is still a really good person. The good times were amazing, some of the best I've ever had. There was so much new and exciting things in the beginning, we seemed to have so much possibility. We had so many goals set together. His friends started hating me for who know what reason. Angela and Vanessa were always an issue, they just never seemed to leave either of our minds. He's still in love with the idea of Vanessa and Angela did everything she could to make a messy situation. Then there were about 6 months of absolute nightmare. We stopped having sex for a long time during the bad times, he slept on the couch and watched terrible porn and ignored me. Then, since our anniversary and our one romantic night alone in almost 2 years, it leveled off for a while. I thought we were getting good. We started appreciating one another, talking instead of screaming, having romantic sex again. Once that started again so did the romance. But it just wasn't the same, it never will be or would have been. We were both on the defense, we both expected everyday to end in a fight. He will never be the man I need him to be and I will never stop expecting him to be. I felt unappreciated and under complimented. But I miss him. He's my best friend and it kills me that it seems like he doesn't care if I get home safe or had a terrible day. I miss his skin and his scent, I miss the sound of his voice and the way he breathed when he slept. I miss kissing him, but the last year and a half of our relationship that was a rarity anyway. He stopped feeling it a long time ago and I started hating him for it. I resented him for losing his bedroom eyes and I was upset at myself for falling off of the pedestal he had built for me. In the beginning he thought I was perfect and once he realized I wasn't it was almost like he hated me for it. We stopped touching each other, stopped cuddling and holding hands. Stopped doing the things we were best at and started finding reasons to bicker. He found excuses to avoid me, now that we're broken up he's not doing as many of the things that drove me crazy. He's sitting down at Casey's and staying at the same table all night long. He's leaving early and not getting wasted. He's not going out every single night and he's mixing up the routine. He's doing all of this because I am not there to avoid talking to or to drink to forget about. I'm trying to be his friend but it's hurting me more and more every time I see him. I don't think we were by any means good for one another and he's right, I was trying to change him. I wanted him to love me more, to pay attention to me, to let me finish a sentence, to take me out just us two, to not have to live hand to mouth, to grow the fuck up and realize how good he could have it if he only paid attention and worked a little harder. He could have been a great tattooer, but he didn't have the drive, the same is true about us. I don't think it's too much to ask to feel loved by the people that say they love you. I miss him. I want him back but I want him to get it. For fucks sake, its not that complicated. I just want to feel like somebody cares if I'm alive and ok. I want to cuddle and have alone time. I want excitement or at least not monotony. I want adventures and to experience new things together. I want a future. He would never give these things to me. He wouldn't even give me one night alone together a month. I'm tired of feeling alone when I'm with someone. I'm no more lonely now than I was for the last two years, just more empty. I miss him, I miss my best friend and the best lover I've ever had but I'm going to be ok. I just need to keep this all at a distance and focus on my career. I need to remember why I brought up taking a break to begin with, I didn't feel loved, we never talked about our future together, we couldn't live together, we had a lot of problems. I just wish I could stop crying. I wish I could hold him one last time. Our last kiss was a joke, I was mad, I wiped it from my face as I walked away. I regret that now. I regret a lot of things, I don't regret our relationship or even that it ended. I just regret not doing the things that could have made us work. I miss him so much, I hope he misses me too.