Wow
It's been a while. A long while. I have so much to write that I don't even know where to start. I feel like I'm losing control. First I move out. Then I move back and my mom wants me out. Then there's Eddie. God knows I love him so much. I can't even begin to describe how he makes me feel. And he's in jail because of something that he didn't even do and thats killing me. I cut myself. Yes me. Strong reliable dependable me. Even stone walls have cracks in them sometimes. You just can't tell until they start to crumble then sometimes it's too late. I need Eddie with me. Even if we'll never be together I need him by me. And Beth....that's another story completely. I wanted to be with her so bad for so long I kinda lost sight of what was really happening and I lost her. She forgot about me and now there's nothing I can do to get her back. Veronica lies to me all the time about everything. She says things that I know she's lying about and I've caught her so many times I can't ever believe anything that comes out of her mouth. That's kinda fucked up to have a "friend" like that. Telling everyone that I turned Eddie and Alex in. I would never do that to people that have done so much for me. People that I trust and people that have had my back when my own fucking family wanted me out. How could she even think that I could ever do something like that. I hate her for saying that. I really do. She says it like I don't know what she's saying cuz she says it to people in spanish. Stupid fucking bitch I speak spanish you fucking crack head. My head is spinning with all these thoughts of love and hate and anger and sadness. I need to clear my head. Get everything out in the open. I need to start with Beetle. I need to tell him everything. I'm so scared though. I know that he'll never ditch me like some other people that I thought would be there. I know he won't. But I don't want him to look at me any differently. I can honestly say that he is one of my best friends. Then I need to be honest with Autumn. Well I always have been so I need to continue to do that. I love her like my own flesh and blood and I don't know what I would do with out her in my life. She is a true friend. You don't have many of those in life. I need to hold on to her tight with both arms and never let her go because I couldn't bare the thought of losing her. I almost did once and that was the hardest thing. I need to be honest with Derrick too. I still love him. I would be with him in a second if he wanted me too. A part of me will always want that. I know I told him I wanted everything but our friendship to stop, but I lied. He might be coming for thanksgiving. I need to tell him. And most of all I need to be honest with myself. I can't keep telling myself things that I know aren't true. I can't keep telling myself that maybe Eddie will change his mind. That maybe my dad will change. I can't keep thinking things that will never happen and I can't keep hurting myself by thinking things will be ok. Things are never going to always work out the way I want them too and I have to accept that. Even as I am writing this I know that that will be the hardest part for me. Accepting the fact that I can't make everything go my way and I can't control peoples lives like I have wanted to in the past. They are their own people and I can't do anything about that. Someone please help me.