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mckee92 June 30 2008, 18:50:56 UTC
Well plenty of people haunt themselves, it can vary what with, a fear or lingering sucpicion of a terrible event in the past, a fantastical future, a contempory threat, lots of things. I could come from a lot of things, especially if its an easy 'reason' for an issue, establishing some kind of causality with a problem you suffer would seem a common reaction: 'I get angry when I drive because the other driver cut me up', or 'I'm overweight because I had a minor operation ages ago (which in my case was pure BS)'.

You might be trying to attain the same connection, and due to the seriousness of your issue, the cause 'needs' to be suitably horrific. I'm not trying to be as blunt as to say you're trying to blame something, but its natural to try and establish a connection, and chain of events. Something that fits a pattern and has a beginning and consequence. The fact you have felt detached only adds to this, because your lack of connection adds a certain element of unknow, which only gives the mind more blanks to fill.

Sexual abuse has become a lot more talked about, and spotlighted by the media, the fear of it is very much at the forefront of things, and because of its familiarity, perhaps it becomes an obvious choice the fill the blankness in causality, especially since it is linked to long term problems. It is most certainly disgusting and horrific, and therefore it attracts the attention of the mind, which in my experience operates with either best or worse case scenarios, and ignores the middle ground.

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luvpumpkin June 30 2008, 22:18:58 UTC
i agree. and that is why i worry. i worry about 'pimping' someone else's story... belittling the true horror of surviving abuse by UNCONSCIOUSLY asserting a story... a lie... even if my intention to find the truth.

i have been suspicious of this for many many years - it started in college while studying repressed memories in a women's psych class. i started having weird dreams, odd sensations and a strange sense of terror. but just like now, i couldn't then come to some kind of definitive conclusion. i am thankful for that IF IT IS THE TRUTH... i have my theories as to what happened to me... it was actually going to be the thesis of my dissertation back when i had plans on pursuing the PsyD (doctorate of clinical psych). i will probably journal about them in a few minutes...

maybe i can just relate to these women and their pain. but just like the 'retarded' post - i do not pretend to compare or to know what it is like for anyone but me. i am very careful not to claim pain as mine when it COULD very well just be my annoying borderline PD ability to feel the pain of another. i can't help but relate it to myself. we all do that. THAT is how we live - we take what we see and relate to it by using our brain and our personal filters within.

i don't want this to be true.
but i DO want the truth.
so if it DID happen - i DO want to know.

cuz sometimes the questioning and the unknowing is more maddening then the actual truth of some things. (sometimes).

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mckee92 June 30 2008, 23:17:39 UTC
The truth shall set you free

I know what you mean about finding the truth, I've always much prefered to know a horrible truth, than take solace in a void of ignorance.

I don't think you are pimping someone else pain, you have your own fears, and they are yours, not stolen or siphoned off. They are your emotions, and you share a very real pain, which you worry was caused by conditions similair to those you have knowledge about. And yeah, you are right about everyone doing it, I certainly relate things to me, its helps me empathise with people. I can't approach something from a robotic, godly perspective, I have to see it as affecting a human (Me basically).

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luvpumpkin June 30 2008, 23:24:39 UTC
exactly.
thank you!!
xoxo

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mckee92 June 30 2008, 23:44:35 UTC
BTW, I added a comment onto my post, with a bit more info :)

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