an idiot outside the door (my facebook Note)
the past few months have been stupid. besides fucking annoyingly ridiculous (and one horrific experience), there really is no other way to describe it. in an effort to keep things private and limit my long winded rant to a few paragraphs instead of my normal dissertation, i will skip to the events of this morning...
here it goes....
today i wope up with energy all ready to work out and enjoy one more work day til the weekend. now, even more energized post-work out, i went to get food for my cat and an atkins breakfast bar for me. returning with the food, i went to open my bedroom door but the fucker was locked. i turned the doorknob both ways (cuz you know, THAT makes sense), pushed on it (making sense again) and then called my cat's name - as if he had something to do with it and could help me get in. obviously it still didn't open. then it hit me - the door locks from the inside! how the fuck does a door lock itself? perplexed and now confident my cat wasn't responsible, i walked around to the other door and tried to open that. it was locked as well but i already knew that cuz i locked it a year ago. (worth a shot) i tried the main door again in case it changed its mind and felt like opening the fuck up. its mind wasn't changed, so i hit it. i knew this fiasco would make me late for work so i went to the kitchen to use the cordless phone (my cell was in my room) and, of course, the damn little bitch wasn't charged. (shocker) if the phone was mine i would have hit that too. soon it dawned on me that the best way to charge a phone is to plug the son of bitch in (genius). so i did. i started to get ready in all ways that i could without a change of clothes, my glasses, etc., so i would be less delayed for work when i finally, with the powers of my mind and a chant of "open sesame", got the door open, or until my landlord could help me - whichever came first. my attempts at telekinesis failed, as usual, so i decided to check on the cordless to see if it had an adequate charge to call in. it did. so there i was calling in to say "i have been locked out. i am waiting for a key. i have no idea how long this will take so i am officially calling out. should the door be opened before the end of my frickin shift, i will let you know and come to work immediately." this was the stupidest reason i have ever called out. it is a friday, which llike a monday, is never a good day to call out. basically i looked like an irresponsible moron. (not the first time, i'll admit). because i can be neurotic sometimes (ha! she said 'sometimes'!), i began to panic about what my employers would think of this foolishness. to get through the panic, i decided to clean. (yes mom, i said clean). underneath my law and art history books i found some bills. i almost freaked out cuz they were obviously late until i realized i haven't made money doing overtime due to reasons alluded to iin the opening paragraph) so i couldn't pay them anyway. (wooo, what a relief!) next i cleaned out my refrigerator which is the size of a keg so i was finished in 3 seconds. but i found sugar free jello and ate it. hey, if you are going to stress eat, be thankful it's sugar/carb free. i tried the door again. why? who the fuck knows! maybe to remind myself that i called out for a real reason and i tried all i could to get it open so i could actually show up for work after being out so often (referenced above). or maybe because i thought the bastard door got over its anger at being hit and decided to open as a gesture of forgiveness. apparently it was still mad. i decided to do crunches. (if you are going to be locked out you may as well have toned abs). i considered going to work anyway - fucked up hair, the boy shorts i slept in and bra-less. a very hot and appropriate look. (culdn't call friends to help with clothes cuz i haven't memorized a number since i got my first cell phone nor could i even go with my oh so sexy sleep clothes because my keys were in my room too and i live way too far to walk) so i cleaned my bathroom. i remembered that i had left my laptop on the "kitchen" table last night (took long enough, ass). so i then decided to write this note. (lucky you)
so here i sit... outside of a locked door, messing up punctuation and grammar, bitching about shit no one on facebook cares about, wondering when the hell i will gain access to my room.
good times.
here it goes....
today i wope up with energy all ready to work out and enjoy one more work day til the weekend. now, even more energized post-work out, i went to get food for my cat and an atkins breakfast bar for me. returning with the food, i went to open my bedroom door but the fucker was locked. i turned the doorknob both ways (cuz you know, THAT makes sense), pushed on it (making sense again) and then called my cat's name - as if he had something to do with it and could help me get in. obviously it still didn't open. then it hit me - the door locks from the inside! how the fuck does a door lock itself? perplexed and now confident my cat wasn't responsible, i walked around to the other door and tried to open that. it was locked as well but i already knew that cuz i locked it a year ago. (worth a shot) i tried the main door again in case it changed its mind and felt like opening the fuck up. its mind wasn't changed, so i hit it. i knew this fiasco would make me late for work so i went to the kitchen to use the cordless phone (my cell was in my room) and, of course, the damn little bitch wasn't charged. (shocker) if the phone was mine i would have hit that too. soon it dawned on me that the best way to charge a phone is to plug the son of bitch in (genius). so i did. i started to get ready in all ways that i could without a change of clothes, my glasses, etc., so i would be less delayed for work when i finally, with the powers of my mind and a chant of "open sesame", got the door open, or until my landlord could help me - whichever came first. my attempts at telekinesis failed, as usual, so i decided to check on the cordless to see if it had an adequate charge to call in. it did. so there i was calling in to say "i have been locked out. i am waiting for a key. i have no idea how long this will take so i am officially calling out. should the door be opened before the end of my frickin shift, i will let you know and come to work immediately." this was the stupidest reason i have ever called out. it is a friday, which llike a monday, is never a good day to call out. basically i looked like an irresponsible moron. (not the first time, i'll admit). because i can be neurotic sometimes (ha! she said 'sometimes'!), i began to panic about what my employers would think of this foolishness. to get through the panic, i decided to clean. (yes mom, i said clean). underneath my law and art history books i found some bills. i almost freaked out cuz they were obviously late until i realized i haven't made money doing overtime due to reasons alluded to iin the opening paragraph) so i couldn't pay them anyway. (wooo, what a relief!) next i cleaned out my refrigerator which is the size of a keg so i was finished in 3 seconds. but i found sugar free jello and ate it. hey, if you are going to stress eat, be thankful it's sugar/carb free. i tried the door again. why? who the fuck knows! maybe to remind myself that i called out for a real reason and i tried all i could to get it open so i could actually show up for work after being out so often (referenced above). or maybe because i thought the bastard door got over its anger at being hit and decided to open as a gesture of forgiveness. apparently it was still mad. i decided to do crunches. (if you are going to be locked out you may as well have toned abs). i considered going to work anyway - fucked up hair, the boy shorts i slept in and bra-less. a very hot and appropriate look. (culdn't call friends to help with clothes cuz i haven't memorized a number since i got my first cell phone nor could i even go with my oh so sexy sleep clothes because my keys were in my room too and i live way too far to walk) so i cleaned my bathroom. i remembered that i had left my laptop on the "kitchen" table last night (took long enough, ass). so i then decided to write this note. (lucky you)
so here i sit... outside of a locked door, messing up punctuation and grammar, bitching about shit no one on facebook cares about, wondering when the hell i will gain access to my room.
good times.