today, i am "sick"
left work within an hour of being there today.
left in tears, actually.
daily, i get scratched, bit, pinched, punched and verbally abused and usually, i take it stride - all par for the course... but today, when hit out of the blue, hard on my back (the least of most abuse i get at work), i almost turned around and wailed the kid.
the first time in my career in mental health i actually had to physically restrain MYSELF from hitting another human being and this time - said being was a developmentally disabled (mentally retarded - Fragile X) kid. can you imagine being THAT mad - stressed or whatever I am that i actually had to fight myself from punching a kid (he is 21 but developmentally he is 8 - but even if he was mentally 21, still)??
i left to protect him, myself and my job. to prevent abuse, termination from job and possible arrest.
i left to protect my mind which has been going in and out of "ok-ness" for a week or two now.
i have put intense pressure on myself to do well in EMT school and i know that has contributed to MOST of my stress... i have put all my eggs in that basket since i have wanted medicine (the field, not a drug) since i was a kid AND because i want out of this kind of mental health - the kind where kids get to beat the shit out of you without guards, security and other things that keep both caregivers AND patients/students/residents safe.
my car decided to randomly break down last night on the way to my very important exam. i cried like a 2 year old (i am 30, btw) but once the tow guy came (5-10 min later), i had calmed myself down and reconciled myself to the idea that i was stuck 40 minutes from my apartment and 2 hours from family without many options for a ride home and that i was going to miss my exam. suddenly, while at the tow yard, the guy said my power steering was working again. he checked the fluid line and levels were good. i drove myself to my exam, bombed it - i truly believe and haven't felt calm since. i must have a 75 on each exam to stay in the class. as a 4.0 student, i never get "C's" and it is because i study my ass off. apparently i didn't study enough of certain parts of the text AND i let my car stress get to me.
so i left work to NOT hit a kid.
i am proud of that - shows i have control and AM an adult who doesn't hit innocent people, esp kids.
but i am ashamed that i left in tears... worried they will think i am unfit for the job despite their "stay home if you think things are bad and you aren't in control" policy.
i want to throw up
i want food (haven't grocery shopped in weeks and have only sugar free jello - thank God lunch is free at work and can easily be made into low carb stuff).
i want both out of NY and want to stay.
i want to leave my job and stay.
i want to quit emt because i am a runner when things get tough while at the same time i am refusing to do so - which alone causes stress.
i hoped a guy would like me - or at least befriend me for real but he too turned out to be another disappointing thing i clung to.
nothing that is going on, thankfully, is horrific.
i can and will get through the over-emotions of my crap - it is normal life crap.
so i am just venting to vent. to get it out before i head to therapy this afternoon where i will need to be calm and level headed to get anything out of it.
i haven't "needed" LJ in forever - though i have been reading up on friends.... and as upset as i am today, i am glad to be "home" and LJ feels like home.
a place i can go when "sick"
and today, i am sick
left in tears, actually.
daily, i get scratched, bit, pinched, punched and verbally abused and usually, i take it stride - all par for the course... but today, when hit out of the blue, hard on my back (the least of most abuse i get at work), i almost turned around and wailed the kid.
the first time in my career in mental health i actually had to physically restrain MYSELF from hitting another human being and this time - said being was a developmentally disabled (mentally retarded - Fragile X) kid. can you imagine being THAT mad - stressed or whatever I am that i actually had to fight myself from punching a kid (he is 21 but developmentally he is 8 - but even if he was mentally 21, still)??
i left to protect him, myself and my job. to prevent abuse, termination from job and possible arrest.
i left to protect my mind which has been going in and out of "ok-ness" for a week or two now.
i have put intense pressure on myself to do well in EMT school and i know that has contributed to MOST of my stress... i have put all my eggs in that basket since i have wanted medicine (the field, not a drug) since i was a kid AND because i want out of this kind of mental health - the kind where kids get to beat the shit out of you without guards, security and other things that keep both caregivers AND patients/students/residents safe.
my car decided to randomly break down last night on the way to my very important exam. i cried like a 2 year old (i am 30, btw) but once the tow guy came (5-10 min later), i had calmed myself down and reconciled myself to the idea that i was stuck 40 minutes from my apartment and 2 hours from family without many options for a ride home and that i was going to miss my exam. suddenly, while at the tow yard, the guy said my power steering was working again. he checked the fluid line and levels were good. i drove myself to my exam, bombed it - i truly believe and haven't felt calm since. i must have a 75 on each exam to stay in the class. as a 4.0 student, i never get "C's" and it is because i study my ass off. apparently i didn't study enough of certain parts of the text AND i let my car stress get to me.
so i left work to NOT hit a kid.
i am proud of that - shows i have control and AM an adult who doesn't hit innocent people, esp kids.
but i am ashamed that i left in tears... worried they will think i am unfit for the job despite their "stay home if you think things are bad and you aren't in control" policy.
i want to throw up
i want food (haven't grocery shopped in weeks and have only sugar free jello - thank God lunch is free at work and can easily be made into low carb stuff).
i want both out of NY and want to stay.
i want to leave my job and stay.
i want to quit emt because i am a runner when things get tough while at the same time i am refusing to do so - which alone causes stress.
i hoped a guy would like me - or at least befriend me for real but he too turned out to be another disappointing thing i clung to.
nothing that is going on, thankfully, is horrific.
i can and will get through the over-emotions of my crap - it is normal life crap.
so i am just venting to vent. to get it out before i head to therapy this afternoon where i will need to be calm and level headed to get anything out of it.
i haven't "needed" LJ in forever - though i have been reading up on friends.... and as upset as i am today, i am glad to be "home" and LJ feels like home.
a place i can go when "sick"
and today, i am sick