view from the halloween acid house
today i was in some kind of lala land - ok mood.... nothing good, nothing bad til we (the staff) allowed ourselves to go a little bonkers and play music loud on the van and actually enjoy yourselves.
but then i went to therapy and left feeling blah again.
empty and blank.
i met a good (new) friend for dinner but as always, it was about her and her horrible situation. (in her defense, it SHOULD be about her since she really IS going through something shitty and when i needed her the other week, she WAS there for me).
but later, another good friend from work needed a ride home from Bard College (where he interns).... and that ride turned into a conversation that brought me some joy....
at least for a little bit.
though i can't do all he and i discussed about my career (or at least not yet)... i finally free a tad free (maybe) to at least pursue same as a serious hobby.... something i can study for the pure enjoyment of it.
so whether i finish and pursue psych or follow thru with EMT dreams and do well enough to be a paramedic one day, i can still pursue my heart's passion of art history study, art collection, gallery and museum attendance and maybe even international travel.
i don't have to shut all doors just cuz i am opening one.
the halloween acid house is a home full of different, often conflicting rooms.
and never have i ever been in more than one room at a time.
but perhaps i can be.
perhaps i can knock down all or a few of the walls and enjoy being all of me -
the many kinds of me -
at the same time.
and perhaps then (if not before) i can shed the weight of neurotic people (like sue, for instance), who make me feel worse about myself than necessary....
i have to learn to listen to what is necessary and tune out what is noise.
and i have to learn to break down some walls and let me spill all over the place without apology.
i have lived with the deafening sound of my thoughts for so long, i hardly know who i am underneath them.
no shrink has helped me find a way to quite them....
but i know that i am guilty of being all or nothing... i never enjoy now but take the now and try to pimp it into a new life for myself....
well, i don't want to do that anymore.
i want to enjoy the hike without having to own the forest.
but then i went to therapy and left feeling blah again.
empty and blank.
i met a good (new) friend for dinner but as always, it was about her and her horrible situation. (in her defense, it SHOULD be about her since she really IS going through something shitty and when i needed her the other week, she WAS there for me).
but later, another good friend from work needed a ride home from Bard College (where he interns).... and that ride turned into a conversation that brought me some joy....
at least for a little bit.
though i can't do all he and i discussed about my career (or at least not yet)... i finally free a tad free (maybe) to at least pursue same as a serious hobby.... something i can study for the pure enjoyment of it.
so whether i finish and pursue psych or follow thru with EMT dreams and do well enough to be a paramedic one day, i can still pursue my heart's passion of art history study, art collection, gallery and museum attendance and maybe even international travel.
i don't have to shut all doors just cuz i am opening one.
the halloween acid house is a home full of different, often conflicting rooms.
and never have i ever been in more than one room at a time.
but perhaps i can be.
perhaps i can knock down all or a few of the walls and enjoy being all of me -
the many kinds of me -
at the same time.
and perhaps then (if not before) i can shed the weight of neurotic people (like sue, for instance), who make me feel worse about myself than necessary....
i have to learn to listen to what is necessary and tune out what is noise.
and i have to learn to break down some walls and let me spill all over the place without apology.
i have lived with the deafening sound of my thoughts for so long, i hardly know who i am underneath them.
no shrink has helped me find a way to quite them....
but i know that i am guilty of being all or nothing... i never enjoy now but take the now and try to pimp it into a new life for myself....
well, i don't want to do that anymore.
i want to enjoy the hike without having to own the forest.