(no subject)
AAAAAAAARRRAGGHHAAAAAAAARARARARARAGHRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
I hate myself. I wish I could detach myself so I can tell myself how stupid I am and look myself in the eye when I do it, so I can beat myself into the corner of the sink and see my head crack open and spill the stupid remnants of my moldy brain into the trash can where it belongs. I'm so fucking stupid! And all I have to blame is myself! I thought I had studied well enough, but what kind of a joke is that since I only read through my notes once, then picked up my book to read instead? I figured what I know is what I know, and I can't change that in one night. My god, if that's the case, then I ought to be shot right here and now.
What fries me the most is how I still continue to talk about going to medical school and going out of state to these big name colleges, expecting to get a respectable job and for people to look at me as if I knew what I was doing. Well I'll tell you all right now, if you think I'm smart, then you obviously haven't seen through the surface. I only act like I'm smart, only act like I belong in this stupid program, and only act like I know I'm going to be something when I grow up. I keep thinking "Oh well, I'll just pull through these last two years and see what happens. See if I get through this program or if it eats me alive and I find myself staring down at all the other victims in its belly, slowly decomposing in its stomach acids.
Okay, I'll blame it on test anxiety. Why is it that whenever I feel like I actually did good on a test for once, it comes back and I have a fucking D? I sit here watching my mom lecture my brother about his grades, while I'm watching tv and acting like I can't hear her. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, a voice is telling me "you might as well listen, you'll be hearing it soon anyway." I guess I just figure my time will come. But that's what's so wrong with me, is I act all passive about these things when really I'm freaking out, knowing it will come back and bite my ass. I stress out like everyone else, if not more, the only difference is I wait until the last possible moment before I let it consume me. Which is probably the worst thing for me to do, because then it doesn't come in small waves, it comes in one huge blow.
Oh fuck it all. Then I forget anything important. Abstract and outline for my world lit paper? are you kidding? I had no fucking idea that was due today. I don't even know what the world lit paper is supposed to be about! The same thing happened last time an abstract and outline was due. The fucker was written on the board the entire time, and I never have the mental capacity to write it in my agenda. And it only irritates me more that Mr. Frederickson doesn't chew me out about it. I wish someone would yell at me! I obviously don't have enough self-discipline to take care of it myself, so why won't someone chew me out? Someone to pull out the belt and tell me, "if you don't do this, I'll take off the first 3 layers of skin on your back." Please!! Otherwise the guilt lasts longer, and that's so much worse than being beaten into the wall. And not just the world lit stuff, no. I also forgot half of my tok stuff in my binder, so I'm not even going to be able to finish that. So much for an A in ToK. Someone fry me up right now.
The worst possible thing is turning this shit into my teachers. They work to teach it to me, and I give them this stinking pile. All I can do is apologize, make up excuses, and hope they will give me a second chance. Why can't they punish me? Do something! Instead of looking down at me all disappointed-like, running my soul through a meat grinder.
And yet again, I'm sitting here spewing vomit into my journal instead of actually GETTING THINGS DONE. I have atleast 4 hours worth of stuff sitting here waiting for me, not to mention studying for my psychology final tomorrow. I'm not going to get my RWB book done for mrs. jones, which she probably knows already. I probably won't get any studying done for psych, and will put it all off until tomorrow during art, but will find out I won't have any time to study during art. then I'll be screwed, and have to watch ms. pilcher give me that "I thought you'd do better" look as she hands back my test. As I'm going to have to watch from mrs. molina, because I already know I failed her final. RRrrgh, I'll just rip out all my hair and maybe I can stay home from school tomorrow, save everyone the trouble of having to actually read my test and just give me an automatic F. It would be easier on both of us.
I just can't get over how dumb I am. Maybe I should just break it to my parents now and tell them I'll be staying in Kansas and going to KU for college, don't count on any big universities begging me to enter, don't count on me becoming a doctor. I'll just fall back and become one of those artists who don't aspire to anything, and only have a few fans who tag their message board saying, "hey, that's not bad, but the eyes are a little big... and that nose looks wierd."
I hate myself. I wish I could detach myself so I can tell myself how stupid I am and look myself in the eye when I do it, so I can beat myself into the corner of the sink and see my head crack open and spill the stupid remnants of my moldy brain into the trash can where it belongs. I'm so fucking stupid! And all I have to blame is myself! I thought I had studied well enough, but what kind of a joke is that since I only read through my notes once, then picked up my book to read instead? I figured what I know is what I know, and I can't change that in one night. My god, if that's the case, then I ought to be shot right here and now.
What fries me the most is how I still continue to talk about going to medical school and going out of state to these big name colleges, expecting to get a respectable job and for people to look at me as if I knew what I was doing. Well I'll tell you all right now, if you think I'm smart, then you obviously haven't seen through the surface. I only act like I'm smart, only act like I belong in this stupid program, and only act like I know I'm going to be something when I grow up. I keep thinking "Oh well, I'll just pull through these last two years and see what happens. See if I get through this program or if it eats me alive and I find myself staring down at all the other victims in its belly, slowly decomposing in its stomach acids.
Okay, I'll blame it on test anxiety. Why is it that whenever I feel like I actually did good on a test for once, it comes back and I have a fucking D? I sit here watching my mom lecture my brother about his grades, while I'm watching tv and acting like I can't hear her. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, a voice is telling me "you might as well listen, you'll be hearing it soon anyway." I guess I just figure my time will come. But that's what's so wrong with me, is I act all passive about these things when really I'm freaking out, knowing it will come back and bite my ass. I stress out like everyone else, if not more, the only difference is I wait until the last possible moment before I let it consume me. Which is probably the worst thing for me to do, because then it doesn't come in small waves, it comes in one huge blow.
Oh fuck it all. Then I forget anything important. Abstract and outline for my world lit paper? are you kidding? I had no fucking idea that was due today. I don't even know what the world lit paper is supposed to be about! The same thing happened last time an abstract and outline was due. The fucker was written on the board the entire time, and I never have the mental capacity to write it in my agenda. And it only irritates me more that Mr. Frederickson doesn't chew me out about it. I wish someone would yell at me! I obviously don't have enough self-discipline to take care of it myself, so why won't someone chew me out? Someone to pull out the belt and tell me, "if you don't do this, I'll take off the first 3 layers of skin on your back." Please!! Otherwise the guilt lasts longer, and that's so much worse than being beaten into the wall. And not just the world lit stuff, no. I also forgot half of my tok stuff in my binder, so I'm not even going to be able to finish that. So much for an A in ToK. Someone fry me up right now.
The worst possible thing is turning this shit into my teachers. They work to teach it to me, and I give them this stinking pile. All I can do is apologize, make up excuses, and hope they will give me a second chance. Why can't they punish me? Do something! Instead of looking down at me all disappointed-like, running my soul through a meat grinder.
And yet again, I'm sitting here spewing vomit into my journal instead of actually GETTING THINGS DONE. I have atleast 4 hours worth of stuff sitting here waiting for me, not to mention studying for my psychology final tomorrow. I'm not going to get my RWB book done for mrs. jones, which she probably knows already. I probably won't get any studying done for psych, and will put it all off until tomorrow during art, but will find out I won't have any time to study during art. then I'll be screwed, and have to watch ms. pilcher give me that "I thought you'd do better" look as she hands back my test. As I'm going to have to watch from mrs. molina, because I already know I failed her final. RRrrgh, I'll just rip out all my hair and maybe I can stay home from school tomorrow, save everyone the trouble of having to actually read my test and just give me an automatic F. It would be easier on both of us.
I just can't get over how dumb I am. Maybe I should just break it to my parents now and tell them I'll be staying in Kansas and going to KU for college, don't count on any big universities begging me to enter, don't count on me becoming a doctor. I'll just fall back and become one of those artists who don't aspire to anything, and only have a few fans who tag their message board saying, "hey, that's not bad, but the eyes are a little big... and that nose looks wierd."