another angry post
Hating everything and everyone today. What I hate most of all though, is not being able to just spit out writing like some people can. I hate that I have to care about what I write, that I have to feel some connection. It makes writing things for school an exercise in masochism. I didn't do a paper last night like I was supposed to because everything sounds stupid, even though I'm pretty sure I'll have to come up with something for it anyway by the end of the week. I have to do one tonight and I'm really tempted to see if I can avoid it.
It just drives me crazy. All this pointless writing that has no purpose. That reflects none of my own feelings because my feelings on whatever I have to write are negative or DON'T EXIST. As in, I could care less about this topic but I have to write something. All of it is just this manufactured bs, and it makes me feel so fake.
And I hate that it effects me. It would be one thing if I could just write out this stuff I don't care about and be able to not care about reactions, but it's still my writing. It's still an extension of me even if I hate it and so even if I know it's bad, and it gets flayed apart and critiqued to the max it hurts. It's like someone pointing out a flaw of any other kind. You try not to care but you still do.
I've always had problems with critique, it's the reason why I could never go back to school as a creative writing major. I care too much about my creative writing to withstand constant criticism even if it means well. It's too personal. But academic writing isn't much better. There's that slight disconnect, that feeling of "this isn't really me" but in order to write there needs to be a connection, and it's that connection which causes the critiques to still get to me.
It's going to be a long semester. I have to find a way to get through all these papers without losing my mind, and I'm not entirely sure how to do that yet but I need to figure it out soon. I have enough family stress to deal with, academic stress just makes it all worse.
It just drives me crazy. All this pointless writing that has no purpose. That reflects none of my own feelings because my feelings on whatever I have to write are negative or DON'T EXIST. As in, I could care less about this topic but I have to write something. All of it is just this manufactured bs, and it makes me feel so fake.
And I hate that it effects me. It would be one thing if I could just write out this stuff I don't care about and be able to not care about reactions, but it's still my writing. It's still an extension of me even if I hate it and so even if I know it's bad, and it gets flayed apart and critiqued to the max it hurts. It's like someone pointing out a flaw of any other kind. You try not to care but you still do.
I've always had problems with critique, it's the reason why I could never go back to school as a creative writing major. I care too much about my creative writing to withstand constant criticism even if it means well. It's too personal. But academic writing isn't much better. There's that slight disconnect, that feeling of "this isn't really me" but in order to write there needs to be a connection, and it's that connection which causes the critiques to still get to me.
It's going to be a long semester. I have to find a way to get through all these papers without losing my mind, and I'm not entirely sure how to do that yet but I need to figure it out soon. I have enough family stress to deal with, academic stress just makes it all worse.