Its V E R Y long prepare-i had pics to post but it won't let me-im so tired of everything.
I've waited a long time for this
It feels right now
Allow me to introduce myself
I want you to come a little closer
I'd like you to get to know me a little bit better
Meet the real me
So here I go
No hype, no gloss, no pretense
Just me
//Stripped of all insecurties, worries, and fake smiles//
There is so much about me that no one knows.
Journals are meant to be private.
You're inner most thoughts.
It used to be that you didn't want anyone reading your journal.
If you found out that someone did, you felt betrayed and embarrassed.
But now.....
I want everyone to know. I don't know why I do. But oh well.
I feel stupid for saying that.
It is not a calling out for attention.
Maybe it's a calling out for acceptance?
I don't even know.
That seems to be my way of life now-a-days.
I do not even know.
-----I am lost and I don't even know if I can get found.-----
This is my second time around at this, the first one was really long
then my computer crashed...soo yeah it might not make sense.
I'm just going to type.
I feel as if I lie to myself all the time.
About what? I don't even know.
I can't even explain it.
I have no clue where to even begin.
I've gone to school with the same people for either 13 years
Almost or 6 or less.
I feel as if NO ONE really knows me.
I have one best friend.
Who I've been best friends with for 6 years straight.
We've never gotten in a fight and not talked.
We've never been friends one day and not the next.
Never.
And people I see everyday don't even know her.
Like shes imaginary or something (HA!)
No, No she's not.
I've tried to tell myself for years that I am more mature then everyone
That I am around everyday.
To a certain extent I am..but then again now I'm starting to realize
That I am a neive "invinsible teenager" that adults claim that
we are.
I have no clue.
I don't even know.
People say that I need to learn to accept myself
Love myself
Be happy with myself
Respect myself
Before I go and say that I need someone else
To make me happy.
I've always thought of myself as an independent person.
But not lately.
I've always been the type to be able to go to the bathroom without myself.
Ask for directions in the middle of no where.
Talk to a stranger.
Ask for help.
You get the point?
But now that I am by myself....yeah I do need someone.
I do need help.
I do need someone to be there with me and beside me.
I thought all my relationships sucked before.
I would get back in one as quick as hell in place of being alone.
Does everyone look at me as being
"Katie Stevens. The girl everyone knows, but isn't friends with."
?????????????????????????
Honestly, please come out and tell me what you THINK of me
from just what you see..because from what I know
It's not like any of you hear anything about me..or do you?
I'm nice to everyone. I say hi to the people I consider
Somewhat of a friend...but still.
Yeah.
I just don't know.
Am I asking for you to feel bad for me?
No.
Am I asking for attention?
No.
Am I asking for some kind of acceptance and understanding?
Yes.
I've never considered myself a hypocrite.
And no one has ever called me one that I can remember.
Or has told me to my face, but I feel like I am lying to myself.
I do think I am the best girl in the world.
All the nice things people do say about me..I do believe.
I know I'm nice and sweet and caring.
I know I have a nice smile.
I don't think I'm a too bad of a looking person.
I'm giving and thoughful.
Sincere and trustworthy.
I know that I am all of these things.
It's not like I hear bad things about myself all the time.
It's not like people get mad at me and come at me
With all these bad things they think about me.
I'm not depressed about my appearence (well i am to some extent but
that's not what im mainly talking about here.)
But there is just
SOMETHING
WRONG
and
I
CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IT!!!
I'm just feeling confined, like I'm being forced in
My vision's blurry and I'm lost in regrets.
Now is not the time for faith.
Or prayers.
I just think I need a miracle, along with everyone else
In the World.
I'm broken inside.
Where do I belong?
I can't find my place.
My mind is all over the place.
Most people would say why do YOU need a miracle?
I have everything materialistic and health wise I guess.
I have a family and all and I have a home and all of that.
But I just need a miracle...
For me to be H A P P Y .
I need so much.
And I have never been the needy type.
I have never been the girl who needs to see her boyfriend 24/7.
I am secure with myself. I am calm. I am understanding.
But now..i have been along too long..
I need someone there
ALL THE TIME.
I need someone.
Some thing.
I have never had a hobby in my life.
I have never reallllllly liked something or enjoyed something.
I get bored so easily.
I don't do anything.
I have NEVER known what I want to do when I get older.
For one time in my life, I don't hate school.
Why you wonder??
Because I know I am doing the right thing.
Something that I know 99% of people don't know about
and 99% of the people wouldn't even do.
I've never been good in school.
I've never been in honors classes.
I've never had straight A's.
Or honor roll all through High School.
There is something eating at me
that NO ONE I'm around everyday even knows.
Some people that I know that I'm close to know...
People that I know would understand..but yeah..
I have so much anxiety built up in me.
I really think I am depressed. Well I know I have to be
?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!
I don't know what will change this.
I am the most pestimistic person in the world.
I'm negative about everything, because I just believe there
is nothing to be happy or postitive about.
Beside being alive and being healthy and having more then others..
BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA!
That's all I hear.
I want to start over again.
I want a new life
I want to just get away.
Even though if I got away...It would just follow me.
It's all me.
It's all in my head.
What can I do?
And it's not going away anytime soon.
It feels right now
Allow me to introduce myself
I want you to come a little closer
I'd like you to get to know me a little bit better
Meet the real me
So here I go
No hype, no gloss, no pretense
Just me
//Stripped of all insecurties, worries, and fake smiles//
There is so much about me that no one knows.
Journals are meant to be private.
You're inner most thoughts.
It used to be that you didn't want anyone reading your journal.
If you found out that someone did, you felt betrayed and embarrassed.
But now.....
I want everyone to know. I don't know why I do. But oh well.
I feel stupid for saying that.
It is not a calling out for attention.
Maybe it's a calling out for acceptance?
I don't even know.
That seems to be my way of life now-a-days.
I do not even know.
-----I am lost and I don't even know if I can get found.-----
This is my second time around at this, the first one was really long
then my computer crashed...soo yeah it might not make sense.
I'm just going to type.
I feel as if I lie to myself all the time.
About what? I don't even know.
I can't even explain it.
I have no clue where to even begin.
I've gone to school with the same people for either 13 years
Almost or 6 or less.
I feel as if NO ONE really knows me.
I have one best friend.
Who I've been best friends with for 6 years straight.
We've never gotten in a fight and not talked.
We've never been friends one day and not the next.
Never.
And people I see everyday don't even know her.
Like shes imaginary or something (HA!)
No, No she's not.
I've tried to tell myself for years that I am more mature then everyone
That I am around everyday.
To a certain extent I am..but then again now I'm starting to realize
That I am a neive "invinsible teenager" that adults claim that
we are.
I have no clue.
I don't even know.
People say that I need to learn to accept myself
Love myself
Be happy with myself
Respect myself
Before I go and say that I need someone else
To make me happy.
I've always thought of myself as an independent person.
But not lately.
I've always been the type to be able to go to the bathroom without myself.
Ask for directions in the middle of no where.
Talk to a stranger.
Ask for help.
You get the point?
But now that I am by myself....yeah I do need someone.
I do need help.
I do need someone to be there with me and beside me.
I thought all my relationships sucked before.
I would get back in one as quick as hell in place of being alone.
Does everyone look at me as being
"Katie Stevens. The girl everyone knows, but isn't friends with."
?????????????????????????
Honestly, please come out and tell me what you THINK of me
from just what you see..because from what I know
It's not like any of you hear anything about me..or do you?
I'm nice to everyone. I say hi to the people I consider
Somewhat of a friend...but still.
Yeah.
I just don't know.
Am I asking for you to feel bad for me?
No.
Am I asking for attention?
No.
Am I asking for some kind of acceptance and understanding?
Yes.
I've never considered myself a hypocrite.
And no one has ever called me one that I can remember.
Or has told me to my face, but I feel like I am lying to myself.
I do think I am the best girl in the world.
All the nice things people do say about me..I do believe.
I know I'm nice and sweet and caring.
I know I have a nice smile.
I don't think I'm a too bad of a looking person.
I'm giving and thoughful.
Sincere and trustworthy.
I know that I am all of these things.
It's not like I hear bad things about myself all the time.
It's not like people get mad at me and come at me
With all these bad things they think about me.
I'm not depressed about my appearence (well i am to some extent but
that's not what im mainly talking about here.)
But there is just
SOMETHING
WRONG
and
I
CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IT!!!
I'm just feeling confined, like I'm being forced in
My vision's blurry and I'm lost in regrets.
Now is not the time for faith.
Or prayers.
I just think I need a miracle, along with everyone else
In the World.
I'm broken inside.
Where do I belong?
I can't find my place.
My mind is all over the place.
Most people would say why do YOU need a miracle?
I have everything materialistic and health wise I guess.
I have a family and all and I have a home and all of that.
But I just need a miracle...
For me to be H A P P Y .
I need so much.
And I have never been the needy type.
I have never been the girl who needs to see her boyfriend 24/7.
I am secure with myself. I am calm. I am understanding.
But now..i have been along too long..
I need someone there
ALL THE TIME.
I need someone.
Some thing.
I have never had a hobby in my life.
I have never reallllllly liked something or enjoyed something.
I get bored so easily.
I don't do anything.
I have NEVER known what I want to do when I get older.
For one time in my life, I don't hate school.
Why you wonder??
Because I know I am doing the right thing.
Something that I know 99% of people don't know about
and 99% of the people wouldn't even do.
I've never been good in school.
I've never been in honors classes.
I've never had straight A's.
Or honor roll all through High School.
There is something eating at me
that NO ONE I'm around everyday even knows.
Some people that I know that I'm close to know...
People that I know would understand..but yeah..
I have so much anxiety built up in me.
I really think I am depressed. Well I know I have to be
?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!
I don't know what will change this.
I am the most pestimistic person in the world.
I'm negative about everything, because I just believe there
is nothing to be happy or postitive about.
Beside being alive and being healthy and having more then others..
BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA!
That's all I hear.
I want to start over again.
I want a new life
I want to just get away.
Even though if I got away...It would just follow me.
It's all me.
It's all in my head.
What can I do?
And it's not going away anytime soon.