(no subject)
i really think i am going to withdraw from college...i read the policy on refunds and i wouldnt get any money back because its past 16 days. although i just remembered that my grandparents gave me $1000 for the bill. oh god...oh my god i dont know what they'll say about that. but is that reason enough to stay? im not dropping out right now because i dont want my "dream" as some referred to it, thats not it at all. i DO want to be a nurse, im just not ready as of right now to be in college. omg that is going to be terrible explaining to my grandparents of why i didnt get any of that 1G they gave me back because i decided i dont want to go to school right now. i cant stay in school if i dont want to be there, not do the work, not attend, not CARE because of the money they gave me. maybe i should pay them back, although i dont think they would let me, and then i'd feel like an asshole's asshole. what the fuck, why is this so fucking hard?? it should be i guess, its a BIG decision. i've made it, and yet if its supposed to be the right decision for me, why do i have a pit in my stomach when i think about it? maybe its because of the people who are going to fucking rip me apart and interrogate me non-stop about why im doing this. i mean seriously, the reason why i went back right now was because i was too scared to stand for what i wanted. what i want is for them to respect my decision, i KNOW nobody's going to like it, but i need their respect for me that i know what im doing, and its for the best right now. it's supposed to be MY decision and MY life, and yet i hardly feel that it's true. or maybe i care too much about my family that i really dont want to hurt or disappoint them. because i know thats what i'll do, not on purpose, but this WILL disappoint them and make them angry at me. which isnt what i want. i cant handle anyone hating me, or being angry with me. i just always what everything okay, so i always find ways to make them happy, regardless of what i want. i push myself aside all the time, bc i feel guilty when i make myself happy when other ppl dont like how i did so. WHAT THE HELL! this is way easier said than done. nobody understands that im pretty much TERRIFIED to tell mom. which i think i might have to do through a letter, because my points will be clear, and i wont have to look her in the eye and tell her, which, by the way, will be a very VERY angry, scary eye. then again, it makes me seem immature and taking the easy way out...which is the last thing i want bc i want her to know that im competent enough to make my own decisions and being strong about it. and that doesnt entail a letter. we've gotten closer, but i still cant stand up to her, not that i want to. i dont want to make her mad at me, and then my grandparents because you all have to understand that education is ALL they care about. making something of yourself, GOING TO COLLEGE. which i AM, in the summer. perhaps im going overboard, but its how i see it. when i told krissy, she's like 'UR MOMS GOING TO KILL YOU' wonderful. like i didnt know that already. but i just dont like hearing what i already know...it just confirms the fact its going to be the hardest thing to ever do. i keep reminding myself that its not like im dropping out completely, just a couple months...and going in the summer and only taking one course. i just wish someone understood where im coming from, i wish this were easier. i wish my family were more understanding, and didnt make me want to cry when i tell them something thats going to let them down. thats why its so hard to do it in person, because i cant bear the looks on their faces, and the comments they make, i feel HORRIBLE and end up crying because it stresses me out so bad, and it makes me look like a child who cant make their own decisions. like i said i tried before around christmas to explain to my family why i wasnt going back in the spring, and i got so overwhelmed, intimidated, scared, and every other negative word that i gave up trying to explain my side and why i was doing it, because its like they wouldnt hear of it. my mom said very little and looked at me like she seriously was going to kill me, and pretty much made MY decision for me, that "you're going back to school next semester", and i was way to scared to even go against her bc of what she looked like she would do if i went against what she wanted for me. in truth i only know whats best for me, and right now, its working and saving to move out. i would love to elaborate much more on this but i can barely keep my eyes open...probably from thinking about this for a couple days straight, it took all my energy away from me.