Confession of a weird girl
English is not my first language and my writing style is kinda...crappy special, so please, bear with me.
Prepare yourself for a long long long rant about a retarded complicated girl.
You can pass your way if you don't have time to lose.
If long essay bore you to death.
You can read .
And comment
And tell me how stupid, weird, boring I am.
Or you can read.
And get to know me more.
To those I say; let me know you more.
I'm feeling emo today.
And that makes me want to write.
Here because paper can be easily found.
In english so people who knows me won't try to read it.
And so I can improve myself.
If you see any mistakes, please tell me I won't take it wrong : it's the only way to improve.
I'm 22. But I looks like I'm 17/18.
It can be a good thing.
One day. Just not yet.
French because I'm born here in Paris and that I love this country
Algerian by the blood and by the heart.
Thought no one can actually guess it.
Some thinks I'm french. A lot think Italian/spanish/portuguese. Or eurasian. Or from Lebanon/israel.
Even got twice a "from the east of the europe" and I was like hey wtf! Am I blond? Or tall?
Whatever.
I feel like I'm a big imposture.
I do quite good at university (third year of literary) without really intending to.
Sure I do work for exams but the day before.
Most of the time I'm skipping classes.
And when I go I don't take notes.
Yes, you can say I'm a tourist.
I don't have any ambition. I'm 22 and I still don't know what I'm going to do with myself.
I could pass the literary master but I'm lazy.
I could be a teacher but I know I would kill a kid or 2.
I was a kid too and I would have killed myself if I was my teacher, so, believe me, I know.
I could be a liar or a journalist but then again I'm too lazy I don't want to have work left to do when I go home.
I would like to work at a library.
It's quiet and warm.
And quiet.
And while you're at home you don't have to think about work.
And libraries have a lot of books.
Reading is my life.
But my father told me:
"OK you do that but don't cry if you finish sleeping in the streets; 'cause it's the safer way to go there! Who the fuck want to read books now besides you, everything is in the web!"
Or at a museum for the same reasons.
I'm not gorgeous.
But I'm not ugly either.
I'm not fat.
Nor slim.
I don't really like to go out.
If I could I'll always be at home.
Yet I'm out most of the time.
I don't really like to speak on the phone;
If I take the call, you can can it a miracle
Cause it means I:
-didn't forget i t
-have battery
-heard it.
Those 3 conditions happened vey rarely
Yet you can' tell it when you see the bill at the end of the month.
Oh.
I hate people.
They're ugly and stupid until I get to know more about them.
Some have said that I'm a sociopath. And an associal.
Sociopath sounds better.
I don't like to go speak to someone first.
Thought all the mad people of France come to speack to me.
I'm kind enough to do as if I listen to them.
And respond by ooohs and ahhhhs.
For normal people I let them do all the talking.
If you don't speak to me first you can be sure I won't go to you.
Thought I'm not shy I blush a lot.
And I hate that too.
I hate to owe something to someone.
I don't like people to touch me or to stand too near before I'm comfy enough to touch them first.
Sometime, often, I speak a lot, about useless things, and laugh very loud.
And some other I'm mute.
It's ok when there's a lot of people, and still....
But when we're just 2 it can get very awkward.
I don't speak nor eat when I'm stressed.
And when I'm really angry.
I don't say much when friends or people I hang out with do things I don't like.
But you can see it written all over my face.
I'm not angry often but when it's too much for me to take it quietly you might want not to be near because I yell at everyone even if it's not their fault. And it's not a pretty sight. At all.
But I'm kind enough to give one single warning:
"Don't speak to me; I'm really angry and I should say something to you you don't deserve and that I'll regret after, go far away from me right now, I will probably feel better in a hour "
So even my friends don't really know how to take it sometime.
The thing is they don't like it when I stay silent eventhough I'm obviously angry.
They shouldn't! I just hate throwing scandals in the middle of the streets.
And I hate people who does it: have a little dignity take it to your house, we're not concerned by your life and I personnaly don't give a fuck about it.
It takes a lot for me to trust people.
A lot.
My male best friend and I became really close after more than 2 years.
Only then I allowed him to be close to me physically enough to do things like taking my hand or make me sit on his laps when they are no sitting places left in trains
I'm people friends but they're not mine.
I mean they trust me and they can call me at anytime I will be there for whoever needs me.
But I don't trust them enough to call them "friend" and talk about my own life issues.
In french there is 2 words for friends:
-copain(m)/copine(f): someone you appreciate but things and talks won't go very deep.
-ami: someone I can trust enough to help me bury a corpse even if I call them at 5 in the morning.
One might have lot of copains but very few of amis.
I leave a very very bad first impression.
A very cold one.
I'm kindhearted and easily moved to tears.
Very loyal.
You can tell me everything and you can be sure I won't repeat it 'till doom's day.
Even if I'm mad at you.
So people might think that I'm stupid;
actually I love to act stupid so people don't ask me to much questions and I answer I don't know I don't know! well you don't know a lot of things are you sure you still have your head on your shoulders you might have forgotten it somewhere?
But don't go to far I sure smile a lot or laugh when people I don't know much and don't want to know more say things to me not really kind, I don't have time nor saliva to spend for them but don't disrespect: it is THE thing that get me angry really quick and really big.
And I don't forget nor forgive disrespect. Be it with friends or family.
I hate to speak behind someone's back.
That's why I don't like/trust girls; they betray a lot, if not always.
At my student job when every one go to the same room for the break while I go to an other:
I went with them at first but I saw they had nothing better to do than to speak of other workers and how they brightly smiled at them if they happened to came.
But seriously when people talk behind my own back most of the time it makes me laugh.
And I'm like that really excited "oh what did she say? That's all? Pshhh! Amateur"
I don't have time to think nor speak about her/him but she/he does for me.
Well it's because I'm worth it I suppose.
Thus people thinks I'm cold and condescending.
And that I act like a princess.
It could be annoying. And sometime it even hurt me.
I love to talk and laugh to myself.
Out loud.
It can be very embarrassing sometime.
I've lost the count of how many time my father/brother asked me who was I talking with please tell me not with yourself !?
And I'm like "Well I do! what? People are not allowed to speak to themselves now? But you can always think I'm speaking to the sweeper, the dishes or my laptop whatever it's ok if that helps making you feel better"
I'm most of the time mélancolique and extra sensitive: I like rainy day better than sunny ones billions time.
I space out so much.
Go far into rêveries.
So far I always forget everything.
Ask me what I'm thinking of and I can't tell.
People are talking to me but actually in my mind I can be far far away from what they're saying.
My female best friend and my mother know it.
They ask me "what was I saying just now?"
And when I stutter or answer with something they told at least 5 minutes before they just laugh.
My best friend call it my "abscences".
It's very useful when my mother is lecturing me.
Some take it badly.
Some other never know.
I know I'm weird.
I think I wrote that more to myself than for anyone.
And if any of my closest friends would read it, wich is highly impossible
I think I would be embarrassed to death.
I hate to explain myself so people can understand me.
If they want to know me they will have to do it all by themselves, it's funnier this way.
For me at least.
So, finaly, do You share some of my ways?
Prepare yourself for a long long long rant about a retarded complicated girl.
You can pass your way if you don't have time to lose.
If long essay bore you to death.
You can read .
And comment
And tell me how stupid, weird, boring I am.
Or you can read.
And get to know me more.
To those I say; let me know you more.
I'm feeling emo today.
And that makes me want to write.
Here because paper can be easily found.
In english so people who knows me won't try to read it.
And so I can improve myself.
If you see any mistakes, please tell me I won't take it wrong : it's the only way to improve.
I'm 22. But I looks like I'm 17/18.
It can be a good thing.
One day. Just not yet.
French because I'm born here in Paris and that I love this country
Algerian by the blood and by the heart.
Thought no one can actually guess it.
Some thinks I'm french. A lot think Italian/spanish/portuguese. Or eurasian. Or from Lebanon/israel.
Even got twice a "from the east of the europe" and I was like hey wtf! Am I blond? Or tall?
Whatever.
I feel like I'm a big imposture.
I do quite good at university (third year of literary) without really intending to.
Sure I do work for exams but the day before.
Most of the time I'm skipping classes.
And when I go I don't take notes.
Yes, you can say I'm a tourist.
I don't have any ambition. I'm 22 and I still don't know what I'm going to do with myself.
I could pass the literary master but I'm lazy.
I could be a teacher but I know I would kill a kid or 2.
I was a kid too and I would have killed myself if I was my teacher, so, believe me, I know.
I could be a liar or a journalist but then again I'm too lazy I don't want to have work left to do when I go home.
I would like to work at a library.
It's quiet and warm.
And quiet.
And while you're at home you don't have to think about work.
And libraries have a lot of books.
Reading is my life.
But my father told me:
"OK you do that but don't cry if you finish sleeping in the streets; 'cause it's the safer way to go there! Who the fuck want to read books now besides you, everything is in the web!"
Or at a museum for the same reasons.
I'm not gorgeous.
But I'm not ugly either.
I'm not fat.
Nor slim.
I don't really like to go out.
If I could I'll always be at home.
Yet I'm out most of the time.
I don't really like to speak on the phone;
If I take the call, you can can it a miracle
Cause it means I:
-didn't forget i t
-have battery
-heard it.
Those 3 conditions happened vey rarely
Yet you can' tell it when you see the bill at the end of the month.
Oh.
I hate people.
They're ugly and stupid until I get to know more about them.
Some have said that I'm a sociopath. And an associal.
Sociopath sounds better.
I don't like to go speak to someone first.
Thought all the mad people of France come to speack to me.
I'm kind enough to do as if I listen to them.
And respond by ooohs and ahhhhs.
For normal people I let them do all the talking.
If you don't speak to me first you can be sure I won't go to you.
Thought I'm not shy I blush a lot.
And I hate that too.
I hate to owe something to someone.
I don't like people to touch me or to stand too near before I'm comfy enough to touch them first.
Sometime, often, I speak a lot, about useless things, and laugh very loud.
And some other I'm mute.
It's ok when there's a lot of people, and still....
But when we're just 2 it can get very awkward.
I don't speak nor eat when I'm stressed.
And when I'm really angry.
I don't say much when friends or people I hang out with do things I don't like.
But you can see it written all over my face.
I'm not angry often but when it's too much for me to take it quietly you might want not to be near because I yell at everyone even if it's not their fault. And it's not a pretty sight. At all.
But I'm kind enough to give one single warning:
"Don't speak to me; I'm really angry and I should say something to you you don't deserve and that I'll regret after, go far away from me right now, I will probably feel better in a hour "
So even my friends don't really know how to take it sometime.
The thing is they don't like it when I stay silent eventhough I'm obviously angry.
They shouldn't! I just hate throwing scandals in the middle of the streets.
And I hate people who does it: have a little dignity take it to your house, we're not concerned by your life and I personnaly don't give a fuck about it.
It takes a lot for me to trust people.
A lot.
My male best friend and I became really close after more than 2 years.
Only then I allowed him to be close to me physically enough to do things like taking my hand or make me sit on his laps when they are no sitting places left in trains
I'm people friends but they're not mine.
I mean they trust me and they can call me at anytime I will be there for whoever needs me.
But I don't trust them enough to call them "friend" and talk about my own life issues.
In french there is 2 words for friends:
-copain(m)/copine(f): someone you appreciate but things and talks won't go very deep.
-ami: someone I can trust enough to help me bury a corpse even if I call them at 5 in the morning.
One might have lot of copains but very few of amis.
I leave a very very bad first impression.
A very cold one.
I'm kindhearted and easily moved to tears.
Very loyal.
You can tell me everything and you can be sure I won't repeat it 'till doom's day.
Even if I'm mad at you.
So people might think that I'm stupid;
actually I love to act stupid so people don't ask me to much questions and I answer I don't know I don't know! well you don't know a lot of things are you sure you still have your head on your shoulders you might have forgotten it somewhere?
But don't go to far I sure smile a lot or laugh when people I don't know much and don't want to know more say things to me not really kind, I don't have time nor saliva to spend for them but don't disrespect: it is THE thing that get me angry really quick and really big.
And I don't forget nor forgive disrespect. Be it with friends or family.
I hate to speak behind someone's back.
That's why I don't like/trust girls; they betray a lot, if not always.
At my student job when every one go to the same room for the break while I go to an other:
I went with them at first but I saw they had nothing better to do than to speak of other workers and how they brightly smiled at them if they happened to came.
But seriously when people talk behind my own back most of the time it makes me laugh.
And I'm like that really excited "oh what did she say? That's all? Pshhh! Amateur"
I don't have time to think nor speak about her/him but she/he does for me.
Well it's because I'm worth it I suppose.
Thus people thinks I'm cold and condescending.
And that I act like a princess.
It could be annoying. And sometime it even hurt me.
I love to talk and laugh to myself.
Out loud.
It can be very embarrassing sometime.
I've lost the count of how many time my father/brother asked me who was I talking with please tell me not with yourself !?
And I'm like "Well I do! what? People are not allowed to speak to themselves now? But you can always think I'm speaking to the sweeper, the dishes or my laptop whatever it's ok if that helps making you feel better"
I'm most of the time mélancolique and extra sensitive: I like rainy day better than sunny ones billions time.
I space out so much.
Go far into rêveries.
So far I always forget everything.
Ask me what I'm thinking of and I can't tell.
People are talking to me but actually in my mind I can be far far away from what they're saying.
My female best friend and my mother know it.
They ask me "what was I saying just now?"
And when I stutter or answer with something they told at least 5 minutes before they just laugh.
My best friend call it my "abscences".
It's very useful when my mother is lecturing me.
Some take it badly.
Some other never know.
I know I'm weird.
I think I wrote that more to myself than for anyone.
And if any of my closest friends would read it, wich is highly impossible
I think I would be embarrassed to death.
I hate to explain myself so people can understand me.
If they want to know me they will have to do it all by themselves, it's funnier this way.
For me at least.
So, finaly, do You share some of my ways?