Sometimes
Sometimes people are cruel. Sometimes people are heartless. Sometimes they don't see themselves the way others do, because they think they're having fun. I can't get angry at people like this, when I'm the one their aiming the animosity at. I have come to understand that there are many hurting hearts in the world. Some of them lonely. Some of them are abandoned. Some of them never learned to love themselves, and they mistake the self-stroking of a fragile ego with love. If you can't love yourself, you can't love anybody else. There's insecurity. Out of insecurity people will lie. They will cheat. They will abuse the love they are given by a spouse, by a parent, by a friend. They will abuse people who seem happy, because to them, that happiness is a reminder of what they lack. I've dealt with them all my life. I'm used to them. They used to hurt me, when I was a child... telling me that I was too prissy, or too pretty, or too sweet, or too weak, to be in their group of friends. I used to take that personally. I was too prissy? I joined every sport there was.... basketball, volleyball, track and field, cross country running, skiing, everything. I was too pretty. I pulled my hair back in ponytails. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses. I tried not to smile as much. I was too sweet. I tried not to show that I cared when somebody else expressed pain, or loss. I was too weak. I tried not to show any sign of emotion at all. Anything to be accepted.
What I learned was this: To be accepted by them, was to give up who I was. I don't do that anymore. So still, even as an adult, they come out of the woodwork. They tell me I'm not for real. They tell me I'm too energetic. They tell me I'm a rainbows and unicorn girl. I laugh at the suggestion, because if I took the time to cry, I know they would only gather to cackle about crushing my heart. The thing is... these people are adults now too. They have children. I wonder to myself, what are they teaching their child. Are their children the ones who will go to school and tell others that they're too sweet, too pretty, too prissy, too kind, too gentle, too loving, too weak, to be their friends?
It's sad. There is pain in words. These people... they know that, because it was the pain of a word or words that made them who they are. They could stop it if they wanted to, but I don't think they really want to. If they realized that I'm real, and that their words cause pain, they might have to feel something themselves. That would probably hurt a lot, especially if their hearts have been shut away from emotion for as long as I suspect they have.
So I'll ignore it. I'll laugh at the suggestions they make. I know who I am. I know that I have a brilliant mind, and a sensitive heart. I know that I'm a lovely friend to have, and I know that the people who have taken the time to get to know me, value me. I value them. It feels good to be able to be real with people who can be real with me. I will never understand why people have to hide behind animosity and mocking behavior in order to feel better about who they are. I was raised to love and value myself and others. I still do. I won't ever change for anybody else again.
What I learned was this: To be accepted by them, was to give up who I was. I don't do that anymore. So still, even as an adult, they come out of the woodwork. They tell me I'm not for real. They tell me I'm too energetic. They tell me I'm a rainbows and unicorn girl. I laugh at the suggestion, because if I took the time to cry, I know they would only gather to cackle about crushing my heart. The thing is... these people are adults now too. They have children. I wonder to myself, what are they teaching their child. Are their children the ones who will go to school and tell others that they're too sweet, too pretty, too prissy, too kind, too gentle, too loving, too weak, to be their friends?
It's sad. There is pain in words. These people... they know that, because it was the pain of a word or words that made them who they are. They could stop it if they wanted to, but I don't think they really want to. If they realized that I'm real, and that their words cause pain, they might have to feel something themselves. That would probably hurt a lot, especially if their hearts have been shut away from emotion for as long as I suspect they have.
So I'll ignore it. I'll laugh at the suggestions they make. I know who I am. I know that I have a brilliant mind, and a sensitive heart. I know that I'm a lovely friend to have, and I know that the people who have taken the time to get to know me, value me. I value them. It feels good to be able to be real with people who can be real with me. I will never understand why people have to hide behind animosity and mocking behavior in order to feel better about who they are. I was raised to love and value myself and others. I still do. I won't ever change for anybody else again.