wishing I had a life
well i am sitting here wishing i had a better life...........so far everything suxs. i cant doing anything but be miserable half the time and i talk to myself most of the time. its ok bc even thou i have alot on my lil mind i dont really dont feel like talking to anyone about anything.
well i just got out of the shower for the second time today and i feel a lil bit better i guess, physically anyway. I ended up callin my family dr bc i was in tears this morning. felt like some one kicked me in the baby maker and all i could do was cry. I ended up breaking down in her office with dj there. i just cant handle this way of life anymore. i cant be in pain like this anymore. i cant be the person i want to be bc of it. i have a miserable life. my friends dont want to be bothered and nor do they understand, no one wants to take this and me seriously, and most and for most my husband doesnt give 2 shits less about anything i am going throu. so in so many words most of the ppl in my life have blown me off and i wouldnt blame them bc i am so miserable and half the time cant do anything fun bc of it. i mean who would really want to hang out with a cripple? so I talked to Beth about all the stuff this new obgyn said to me, about how if i lose weight i wont be in any more pain.........yeah ok NOT. and how she cant really do much for me that i have to do it for myself. so she gave me a new guy to see so tomarrow i get to call him and see where this brings me. so i dunno.........on top of that she changed my deppression meds bc god knows i need more. i am barely living right now. to me there isnt much of a point to fight to live. but then again no one understands that either. so now i dont know what to think.
well i hung up on asshole sun night bc he was being an asshole to me (which isnt anything new) i dont even want to mention what the hell he was saying to me bc i will probly have many ppl wanting to kill him for me. well at least i know i have one person anyway. but since then he hasnt called me. part of me is wondering what is so much more important than me but then again i dont really want to talk to him anyway bc all he does is piss me off and hurt me so whats the point. and all bc i ask him for a lil emotional suport........yeah ok when hell freezes over i guess........the biggest part of me just doesnt want to deal with this. i just cant handle his shit anymore. i love him but i am not going to put myself threw this no more. so i think its time to move on in many areas of my life.
on another note of bad news i found out my grandmother most likey has cancer in her lung. so i wasnt very happy about that news either. so now for sure everything is def falling apart around me. even the ppl i love are slowly drifting apart.
well i guess i am off to bed to try and get some sleep lord knows i need it. i might have some time or energy to write more about my lonely borring depressing life tomarrow . bye for now