4:07 am
Today wasnt so good; babysitting kinda sucked but wasnt so bad.hmmm sam going psycho @ 2 sucked ass.. so i drank quite a bit of parot bay specially cuz im not very fond of it. On the way home I smoked some cigs cuz i suck at life.Its weird cuz i wasnt even up to hanging out today maybe cuz i was babysitting but i was still in one of my moods when i was with amy and christine but i did enjoi hanging out with them again.I saw glazed doughnuts and got them now i dont want them maybe cuz im high/depressed tonight..I havent seem my dad in forever which sux.and i havent been thinking straight at all .Like i want to die, i wish everyone could understand whjy i feel the way i do.Ive been an asshole.. pissed off fred and jenny and my mom and myself. god i dont kno how ive let things get so bad. I dont how ive let them go.I pretty much gave up nhow did i fuck things up with my mom so bad I mean i used to run to you now i run from you... i do stupid stuff like drink smoke cigs and weed and hurt myself all them time.At this very moment im thuinking of ways to make me feel better for the night.I wanna run from all of this, just leave it all behind.why do i do the things i do? Why do i say the things i say? why must i act this way?i hate the monster that has become me. Why cant i just stop fucking up?I wanna be straight edge and i wanna stop smoking and i wanna be the normal, happy, and good child that everyone wants me to be.... But i cant ..... and i hate myself for it.I dont think im going to the vintage stre i think im going to hang up my cabby hats and put away my chucks and get rid of my chains and dye my hair back to its natural color. I wanna be something they could be proud of........ something they donjt have to hide from.... something i dont have to hide from.I broke my safety contract with my therapist tonight... I dont care ill just wear my braceets she wont even notice.I was feeling horrible when i did it too....maybe im the reason dave doesnt wanna hang with us anymore... maybe im the reason dad left......was it me who fucked everyone's life up?Amanda is in manchester because i got her drunk .. me i did it and shes paying for it.was it me? I kno everyone is gonna sign this entry and be like oh i love you thinking its going to make me feel better.. but it wont ... it only makes them feel better knowing that they had said it .I hate how my mom barges in like she just didits like i cant evenhide in the bathroom without her trying to talk to me about something that doesnt even concern me.it pisses me the fuck off.i hate knowing that i can help someone and knowing that i cant help them also.I feel that i am being selfish because i want my room back.. but she has nowhere to go.why is it i can eigther help someone or help myself... eigther way inm gonna feel like an fuckhead.I dont wanna have a personality disorder, i hate it.... i just wanna punch myself in the face. i feel like i wanna throw up not that i want to cuz im sick but , because i ate todayand i feel liek a disgusting pig.i wont throw up tho.... i cant ....but i havt to lose weight 30 lbs wasnt enough.. i need to loose more im fucking fatand i should just roll myself off the face of the earth..im so disgusting i should shoot myself in the head... my heart aches...... it hurts so much inside that it makes me wanna hurt on the outside. i hate it yet i love it.u make me feel so bad, yet you make me hurt so good.Im feeling lightheaded maybe its due to the parot bay, the rush of nicotine i havent had in 4 mnths the marijuana or the loss of blood i am experiencing as i write....im going to bed..... make me hurt... make me hurt.... make me hurt.... make me hurt...make me hurt...........