The weather brings me back.
I just typed a ridiculously long entry and with one accidental click of the mouse it all got deleted. I am bitter, but I will try to recap.
Subject header was a text I sent to Curtis the other night as I stumbled down State Street in my new Tory Burch flip flops ($45 and rubber) after two delicious Melon Coolers @ the Elephant and Castle. The warm summer air was making me angry and sad as I walked to the train station alone. That air, that breeze is supposed to make us believe that the world is NOT actually the cold and desolate land it's been pretending to be over the last several months. A lot of my anger has subsided since last September. I felt that I had really come along way after I proclaimed that I would never. talk. to. Curtis. again. Right, Emily. Right. Well, of course I talked to Curtis again, and all it took was one smile, one touch of the arm, and two Melon Coolers, to bring me so far back into misery you would have thought I had JUST walked in on him ruining my life. (Perhaps that's a bit drastic..ruining my life. But ruining my trust in men, slutty women, and people in general? Yes, he definitely ruined that.)
Every day during my lunch break I walk to the boardwalk near the aquarium and stare at the water. I try, somewhat unsuccessfully, to create new, happier memories in all the familiar places. The people at Tia's piss the hell out of me. There are too many of them, first of all, and why do THEY have the right to sit and laugh and soak up the sun with people they love? My mother always told me that life isn't fair, but I never seemed to believe her until recently. Shouldn't life be fair? (Current man in life wants to die young because: "Only the good die young." It might not work out between current man and me.)
I am honestly not the miserable person I have been lately. I laugh a whole lot and when someone does something to piss me off, it is much easier to let it roll off my back. I don't consider the past several months a waste--I am a much stronger individual and I know that I should walk around with my head held high. I guess I just get mad sometimes that I can't experience the old, happy memories. I know Curtis feels that way too, but he could do something to fix it. He could make this better. He just doesn't want to badly enough and that is what hurts the most. I know deep down I don't want to be his girlfriend again--How could I honestly do that and have any sort of respect left for myself? I know he's bored with her now and is realizing his mistake, but how ridiculous would it be to say: "Okay, Curt, you've had your fun. Now let's get back to business." No.
But with the weather...the summer and the sunshine and that smell..You know that smell in the air? It's a combination between mulch and the ocean, sweet sweat and flowers. With all of that, it's hard not to long for one of those old days...sleeping until noon, getting brunch, walking around the city, eating dinner somewhere we couldn't afford, and then meeting our friends at Charley's where I would drink too many pink sangrias, stick quarters into the jube box and sing Mariah Carey with Kourtney and Jen, while my boyfriend looked on in a proud sort of horror, until we were the only ones left in the bar.