(no subject)
Okay I know its been awhile since I've updated, I've been really busy with school. I'm really depressed about this whole recovery thing. I mean I really want to recover and I've been trying to eat all week, I really have but everytime I eat I get upset with myself and get teary. I really have been trying not to freak out after I eat but its very hard. I cry myself to sleep everynight because I feel fat and I miss going to sleep on an empty stomach but I need to realize that I'm recovering and its not gonna be easy. also this week my parents and I have gotten along better than we have in months. the other night I tryed eating a cookie(yes it was hard and I only could eat 2 bites of it and then I pretty much freaked out afterwards) and my mom came in and was like "is that really a cookie I see you eating and I was like yes and she was like whats this about? you never eat cookies, shes like are you starting to eat normally again and I was like I thought alot about this and its just too hard and I can't do this anymore so yes I'm trying to recover" I have not seen my mom so happy in months I mean she was crying because she was so happy. I told her though that its not gonna be easy and its a day by day process, Im not gonna just recover overnight and she was like I totally understand and Im very proud of you for deciding to recover because I think its the right choice and your dad and I were really worried about you and I was like I know, I was really starting to feel quilty about it. so yeah things have been going alot better with my parents and its nice not to have to lie to them all the time. I don't know though its just sooo hard for me to eat. oh and in good news I went back to the doctor yesterday and my knee is heeled up now, so im happy about that. well I need to go try to eat dinner, i know im gonna totally freak out after I eat tonight though because today I just can't get myself to eat. I still hate food. I need this though because I can't afford to get kicked out and I do want my life back