lesser of two
my status has not changed.. i still am very happy -but slightly more bitter than usual. i know jealously is an ugly thing but i think that's perhaps more why i'm bitter than anything. i love that i'm not a big party person and i like that the people i hang out with more now are similar yet i can't help but feel so angry that i'm not similar to them in a way... i feel like i exclude myself because of it. this doesn't go to say that i don't mind having some fun once in awhile, i suppose more so that i don't use it as my social excuse to hang out with people. well... maybe i'm not jealous then...
let me start over.
i'm bitter. i believe that the only reason i have friends at clu or even keep friends at clu is because i don't want to be lonely. i'm anti-social. i don't like to party all the time. this is not to say that i don't like to let loose and relax once in awhile with a nice bottle of wine but i suppose more so that i don't believe there is a setting with the combination on my personal preference dial for "drinking constantly" & "means of social engagement". i feel like when the people i know (there are of course a few exceptions) at school want to do something it always involves alcohol or drugs (namely: weed). maybe i just thing this same routine is boring and perhaps i just don't like doing the same thing over and over again... or maybe i deep down want to actually do something more than just sit around and talk about how much i love everyone in the room while under the influence. again, i like to drink.. just not on a regular basis and never to the point where my story the next day would begin with "omg i was soooo smashed last night that i ::dot dot dot::" i won't lie, i've gone through my phases in which all i did was drink and do stupid shit that i knew i would regret later. everytime i look back i wish i hadn't done that... i don't reminisce fondly on those times. maybe that also has to do with why i don't look positively at this particular way of "college living & social interaction". i know i'm dumb. i don't know what i'm going to do next year. i don't like being fake but i feel like at this point in college i'm too defeated to even care if i have to do it just to get by and not cause drama. ugh. does it really come down to that? but would i rather exclude myself than be part of something i might not really even enjoy? maybe exclusions not so bad. i don't know which is the lesser of two evils here.
let me start over.
i'm bitter. i believe that the only reason i have friends at clu or even keep friends at clu is because i don't want to be lonely. i'm anti-social. i don't like to party all the time. this is not to say that i don't like to let loose and relax once in awhile with a nice bottle of wine but i suppose more so that i don't believe there is a setting with the combination on my personal preference dial for "drinking constantly" & "means of social engagement". i feel like when the people i know (there are of course a few exceptions) at school want to do something it always involves alcohol or drugs (namely: weed). maybe i just thing this same routine is boring and perhaps i just don't like doing the same thing over and over again... or maybe i deep down want to actually do something more than just sit around and talk about how much i love everyone in the room while under the influence. again, i like to drink.. just not on a regular basis and never to the point where my story the next day would begin with "omg i was soooo smashed last night that i ::dot dot dot::" i won't lie, i've gone through my phases in which all i did was drink and do stupid shit that i knew i would regret later. everytime i look back i wish i hadn't done that... i don't reminisce fondly on those times. maybe that also has to do with why i don't look positively at this particular way of "college living & social interaction". i know i'm dumb. i don't know what i'm going to do next year. i don't like being fake but i feel like at this point in college i'm too defeated to even care if i have to do it just to get by and not cause drama. ugh. does it really come down to that? but would i rather exclude myself than be part of something i might not really even enjoy? maybe exclusions not so bad. i don't know which is the lesser of two evils here.