(no subject)
I feel like such a waste.
I spend all my time waiting for my two days off (If I'm lucky.) During those two days, I want to do good things. I want to draw and be creative, read, write, play video games, do all sorts of good things.
I just had those two days. Not much happened. I watched two good movies, though, Jacob's Ladder and Bartleby.
Enough of the two bright points in two otherwise lackluster days: I want to talk about the crap.
I tried to draw. I tried to write. I can't do anything anymore. This isn't just a one-time thing, it's been happening to me for a while. I feel like the last good thing I did (not for school) was my comic, while I was in Japan.
I don't know what it is. I do spend a lot of time thinking about things to do. I've had at least twelve new ideas for comics, but I can't get around to doing anything.
I tend to blame it on work. But I have some free time. Every day, I wake up at around 10am and do nothing for about three hours. I could be doing things. Sometimes I do. I've gotten about 2 letters into three different typefaces over the past couple of months.
I just seem to be artistically lethargic. I tell myself that I think too much about how lethargic I am and that makes me more so.
It's really nothing but excuses.
What I don't want is to be a worthless person. I think that I have something artistically unique to offer the world, and I want to do it. I absolutely don't want to be someone who does nothing with his life.
I'm often scared by knowing that many people I admire achieved great success at a much younger age. =w= is the classic example. Others - rock musicians, graphic designers, painters, none are coming to mind but you get the idea.
I got nothin'. At all. I did this one painting that a bunch of my friends seem to enjoy. I also did a comic that one or two people liked.
I'm always thinking about how much better I felt about my artistic output when I was in high school. I know that high school sucked and I couldn't wait to get out of there - but what was so different? Do I actually need to be around a bunch of people I hate to be artistically active? Do I need to be forced into doing something every day?
I remember drawing because I liked doing it. I remember writing because I was bored and thought it would be fun.
Maybe I have more distractions now. Maybe working for a living just isn't compatible with art.
Maybe I just need to let it go and realize that I peaked with the cambodian war machine. It's not so bad.
But I want more.
You know how, in those stories about the world ending, there is always a ragtag group of survivors who fight for their survival and later become important founders of a new civilization? I often think about how I want to be one of those people. But then I think about everyone else in the world dying and I feel guilty.
Sometimes I think it would be funny to make a comic or write a story about this state of mind. A desperate, pathetic character trying to make himself more important that he really is. But then I think about Adaptation and how that has already been done, very well, I might add.
Strangely enough, I've been thinking about buying music lately. For some reason, my file sharing program of choice has decided to completely cease to run on my computer no matter what I do. Seriously, I've been trying for about 2 weeks now to get it to run.
It's not that big a deal, though, there's nothing I can even think to download anyway.
Late. Wow.
I spend all my time waiting for my two days off (If I'm lucky.) During those two days, I want to do good things. I want to draw and be creative, read, write, play video games, do all sorts of good things.
I just had those two days. Not much happened. I watched two good movies, though, Jacob's Ladder and Bartleby.
Enough of the two bright points in two otherwise lackluster days: I want to talk about the crap.
I tried to draw. I tried to write. I can't do anything anymore. This isn't just a one-time thing, it's been happening to me for a while. I feel like the last good thing I did (not for school) was my comic, while I was in Japan.
I don't know what it is. I do spend a lot of time thinking about things to do. I've had at least twelve new ideas for comics, but I can't get around to doing anything.
I tend to blame it on work. But I have some free time. Every day, I wake up at around 10am and do nothing for about three hours. I could be doing things. Sometimes I do. I've gotten about 2 letters into three different typefaces over the past couple of months.
I just seem to be artistically lethargic. I tell myself that I think too much about how lethargic I am and that makes me more so.
It's really nothing but excuses.
What I don't want is to be a worthless person. I think that I have something artistically unique to offer the world, and I want to do it. I absolutely don't want to be someone who does nothing with his life.
I'm often scared by knowing that many people I admire achieved great success at a much younger age. =w= is the classic example. Others - rock musicians, graphic designers, painters, none are coming to mind but you get the idea.
I got nothin'. At all. I did this one painting that a bunch of my friends seem to enjoy. I also did a comic that one or two people liked.
I'm always thinking about how much better I felt about my artistic output when I was in high school. I know that high school sucked and I couldn't wait to get out of there - but what was so different? Do I actually need to be around a bunch of people I hate to be artistically active? Do I need to be forced into doing something every day?
I remember drawing because I liked doing it. I remember writing because I was bored and thought it would be fun.
Maybe I have more distractions now. Maybe working for a living just isn't compatible with art.
Maybe I just need to let it go and realize that I peaked with the cambodian war machine. It's not so bad.
But I want more.
You know how, in those stories about the world ending, there is always a ragtag group of survivors who fight for their survival and later become important founders of a new civilization? I often think about how I want to be one of those people. But then I think about everyone else in the world dying and I feel guilty.
Sometimes I think it would be funny to make a comic or write a story about this state of mind. A desperate, pathetic character trying to make himself more important that he really is. But then I think about Adaptation and how that has already been done, very well, I might add.
Strangely enough, I've been thinking about buying music lately. For some reason, my file sharing program of choice has decided to completely cease to run on my computer no matter what I do. Seriously, I've been trying for about 2 weeks now to get it to run.
It's not that big a deal, though, there's nothing I can even think to download anyway.
Late. Wow.