(no subject)
No time for a relationship in highschool??? Bullshit. I feel like if we hadn't drifted after sophomore year, it would be me going out with him as of 8.30 tonight, not... well... yeah. Anyway... Jealousy is probably the worst human emotion of anything... LIke, anger you can deal with, and fear. Love rocks... Hate can be overcome... But jealousy is like, anger, hate, love and other crap all together shoved into the same fucking emotion. Okay so tonight was a great night over all, me and jess and alex went to the newman playground and just hung out and talked about boys and asya... and boys... (^^) Like, forever. It was great. But it made me think about a lot of crap... It like, reintroduced me to the whole, omg i can't stop crying about asya thing... plus made me hate all the girls who have stolen all the amazing guys away from us leftover, kinda "meh..." girls. The night while we were at rich's house worked out that everyone was parred off (tho not the way it really ended up later)... Alex went off ot tlak to Brandon (when she told him she hated me for NO REASON because she doesn't.)... Jess and Drew were talking, and Tanush and BJ were all over each other..... I've never felt as sad as I did as the SEVENTH WHEEL. What the fuck kind of person is the seventh wheel?!?!?!?
I wish I could justify myself and say I'm not desperate, but I can't. THe only guys who have ever liked me recently have been younger then me, and it never worked out.... Plus it only works for me that great guys like me when i'm to shallow to notice that they're great, and as soon as I realize it they've gone off with another chick and have gone all: "i'm in a serious relationship" on my ass.
I think part of theproblem is that I have such great guy friends, but that's all they are... Friends. THey never think of me as anything more... I took one of those stupid love quizzes once a long time ago which was like, What Kind of Girlfriend are You? And ironically, I got "the perfect girlfriend"... It was all, you can be one of the guys and let your guy have his space and all that shit, but it was like, be careful not to become one of the guys, and htats my problem. I think I dont show guys that I'm actually an option for a relationship. But I dont want to change who I am to get guys.... AUUUGH LIFE SUCKS.
And another fucking awful thing is that when you finally find someone you can get close to (and I have... Someone who like, i can be totally open and honest with, and I dont feel like I need to hide anything... it's so strange feeling like... I've never felt it with anyone until now.) he's with some other fucking chick who he loves and will never break up with.
I wish I could talk to Asya about all this... She would understand.
I wish I could justify myself and say I'm not desperate, but I can't. THe only guys who have ever liked me recently have been younger then me, and it never worked out.... Plus it only works for me that great guys like me when i'm to shallow to notice that they're great, and as soon as I realize it they've gone off with another chick and have gone all: "i'm in a serious relationship" on my ass.
I think part of theproblem is that I have such great guy friends, but that's all they are... Friends. THey never think of me as anything more... I took one of those stupid love quizzes once a long time ago which was like, What Kind of Girlfriend are You? And ironically, I got "the perfect girlfriend"... It was all, you can be one of the guys and let your guy have his space and all that shit, but it was like, be careful not to become one of the guys, and htats my problem. I think I dont show guys that I'm actually an option for a relationship. But I dont want to change who I am to get guys.... AUUUGH LIFE SUCKS.
And another fucking awful thing is that when you finally find someone you can get close to (and I have... Someone who like, i can be totally open and honest with, and I dont feel like I need to hide anything... it's so strange feeling like... I've never felt it with anyone until now.) he's with some other fucking chick who he loves and will never break up with.
I wish I could talk to Asya about all this... She would understand.