Heavy RL: What is an Artist, and Past residue sucks
Haven't posted in a while, have I. And this one isn't at all fun. >< Sorry about that.
So, recently, I entered a school contest at my college. And, awesomely, I won. With an old picture I didn't even like. I won first place, recognition from a world known artist named Eric Fischl, and my piece is going to be purchased by John McEnroe, the famous tennis player. This was two weeks ago, I believe, It's a really big thing, and I'm still kind of in shock. I have gone through a lot of questions in myself: Why did they pick my piece? What about it made it better than anyone else's? What should I do now? What CAN I do now? Do I want to be an artist for my career? Do I have what it takes?
I know I'm good. I had a good talk with my art teacher today, and while it was good, it also just made my questions more prominent. he told me that i have the technique down, that I CAN make art. There is no question, established artists have now recognized me as one, and so I am. I trust their knowledge and word over my own, because I know I will be the hardest on my work. So there is no question, I am an artist, and I am a good one. I have 'nuances', he said. There is something in my piece that was missing in all the others. I was told it was confrontational, forward, bold... but in my head, I wasn't thinking about any of that when I was doing my piece. Maybe that is a problem of mine, maybe I'm thinking to much of the 'thinking' part of making. I KNOW I put effort into that piece, even if i didn't like it in the end. I worked on it, I lost myself for a while when I was doing it. And that's where the good came out, I think. In the current class I am in with this teacher, he asked why none of the pieces I did in his class had any of that effort in them. I know they didn't, I know I could have done so much more with them. I didn't loose myself in any of those pieces.
I love art, I love to make art. I wouldn't mind making money off of it.
But... I'm still struggling in my head. I feel like I'm grasping at air, like I'm running blindfolded at this window of opportunity. I want to take it, I want to take advantage of it and milk it for all it's worth, but I feel like I have NO CLUE what I'm doing. I know how to make art, but I don't know jack shit about selling it, putting up galleries, how to get work, how to be sold, or even WHY anyone would want to buy me anyway. Ugh, no, I'm good, I make good stuff. But now that I have this chance, how do I take advantage of it? My teacher told me he could get me shown if I asked, and another girl I am going to meet Wednesday said she would help me out to. But help me do WHAT? What should I put in a gallery? WHAT is a gallery? Do I just make a bunch of pieces and slap prices on them and put them up? is that all it is? I don't know, I have no idea. I feel like i should know what I'm doing, but I have no clue.
And now I've been thinking of what it will be to be an artist. Artists are loners, it's a known fact, and it's unavoidable. I have spent all my life saying I'm 'the best friend', I want to be the one 'people count on', the one 'people go to'. The 'strong' one, the 'fun' one. But I feel.... I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I mean, what is my passion? Dolls, Art. What knowledge do I have about that stuff? I'm not smart, I'm not even proficient in the things I claim to like. I can't get in heated debates over anything, I'm pretty naive about the world, and 'politics' and things. I don't like to think to much, I HATE being depressed. I love being there for people I care for, but in the past, when I've opened myself for that, I haven't been accepted, or given anything back. I don't regret it, I'd do the same thing now to anyone I make friends with. I love being close to people, being someone people talk to.
But maybe I need to be selfish. My teacher said artists are selfish, they lock themselves away in their room and work on art. They keep their relationships and friends secondary to art, because it's what they want to do. I never want to make my friends secondary... but maybe I'm not making myself a priority at all anymore. Right now, there are a few people I would drop everything for to run to their side if they need me. But I don't HAVE anything to drop. I say that, but it's nothing for me to go anywhere. I'm not DOING anything. I need to DO something. The people I care for are moving, they are struggling to do things for themselves.
I'm just sitting in dead water.
Which kind of pertains to the small bit of news I got today. A person who I use to go to high school with, in like, 8th, 9th grade (Trisha, for those who know) is apparently moving back into town. She moved out of state around 9th grade I think. And, apparently, her and the guy I spent 7 years loving, and have now broke of from, (Josh) are going out again.
I really hate the fact that this is pissing me off as bad as it is. I don't care, I really don't. I definitely don't want to be anything special to him, I want nothing to do with him. But I am SERIOUSLY pissed. I don't know, there's so much history there. I watched as they were together, hurt each other and broke up, then I watched him go through all the rest of the shit of my high school and after, all the while I was ripping my heart every time I talked to him on the phone, and he spoke those damn words to me that kept me hooked and wanting while he was off getting MARRIED to a close friend of mine!! I HATE the thought that now he's going back to the very begining. It's like nothing happened, she didn't have any children, she didn't get married, he didn't get married, they are back to their happy high schools days. I feel used and angry. And I hate that it's bothering me. I have other things to think about, I can't waste brain and heart space on this.
But it's made me know that I would not mind locking myself in a room and spending hours on art. I could do those things. There are two people who I would let in, who I know can just sit with me while I do things, and not need me to do anything for me. There's someone else I love to death, but I don't think her and I have reached the point where we can sit and do things without needing to do them together. But I could live without having contact with a lot of people.
I'm going to do my best at this. I'm going to fight, even in my blind state, to take this while I can. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. But I will have tried, and that is what is important. I've decided. So I don't know how, but I've got to try and do this. For myself. Not for my family, not for my friends, not for the people who say I can. For myself, because in the end, I need to be selfish about this. I HAVE to be selfish. I need to do something for myself for once, not for anyone else.
So I will try. I may fail, but like my teacher said, It's not good art unless you take a chance. Anyone can make something 'good'. It's only the people who take a chance that make something excellent. I don't know how I'm going to do this, or if it's what I will do for the rest of my life, but I'm going to try it.
Go me.
So, recently, I entered a school contest at my college. And, awesomely, I won. With an old picture I didn't even like. I won first place, recognition from a world known artist named Eric Fischl, and my piece is going to be purchased by John McEnroe, the famous tennis player. This was two weeks ago, I believe, It's a really big thing, and I'm still kind of in shock. I have gone through a lot of questions in myself: Why did they pick my piece? What about it made it better than anyone else's? What should I do now? What CAN I do now? Do I want to be an artist for my career? Do I have what it takes?
I know I'm good. I had a good talk with my art teacher today, and while it was good, it also just made my questions more prominent. he told me that i have the technique down, that I CAN make art. There is no question, established artists have now recognized me as one, and so I am. I trust their knowledge and word over my own, because I know I will be the hardest on my work. So there is no question, I am an artist, and I am a good one. I have 'nuances', he said. There is something in my piece that was missing in all the others. I was told it was confrontational, forward, bold... but in my head, I wasn't thinking about any of that when I was doing my piece. Maybe that is a problem of mine, maybe I'm thinking to much of the 'thinking' part of making. I KNOW I put effort into that piece, even if i didn't like it in the end. I worked on it, I lost myself for a while when I was doing it. And that's where the good came out, I think. In the current class I am in with this teacher, he asked why none of the pieces I did in his class had any of that effort in them. I know they didn't, I know I could have done so much more with them. I didn't loose myself in any of those pieces.
I love art, I love to make art. I wouldn't mind making money off of it.
But... I'm still struggling in my head. I feel like I'm grasping at air, like I'm running blindfolded at this window of opportunity. I want to take it, I want to take advantage of it and milk it for all it's worth, but I feel like I have NO CLUE what I'm doing. I know how to make art, but I don't know jack shit about selling it, putting up galleries, how to get work, how to be sold, or even WHY anyone would want to buy me anyway. Ugh, no, I'm good, I make good stuff. But now that I have this chance, how do I take advantage of it? My teacher told me he could get me shown if I asked, and another girl I am going to meet Wednesday said she would help me out to. But help me do WHAT? What should I put in a gallery? WHAT is a gallery? Do I just make a bunch of pieces and slap prices on them and put them up? is that all it is? I don't know, I have no idea. I feel like i should know what I'm doing, but I have no clue.
And now I've been thinking of what it will be to be an artist. Artists are loners, it's a known fact, and it's unavoidable. I have spent all my life saying I'm 'the best friend', I want to be the one 'people count on', the one 'people go to'. The 'strong' one, the 'fun' one. But I feel.... I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I mean, what is my passion? Dolls, Art. What knowledge do I have about that stuff? I'm not smart, I'm not even proficient in the things I claim to like. I can't get in heated debates over anything, I'm pretty naive about the world, and 'politics' and things. I don't like to think to much, I HATE being depressed. I love being there for people I care for, but in the past, when I've opened myself for that, I haven't been accepted, or given anything back. I don't regret it, I'd do the same thing now to anyone I make friends with. I love being close to people, being someone people talk to.
But maybe I need to be selfish. My teacher said artists are selfish, they lock themselves away in their room and work on art. They keep their relationships and friends secondary to art, because it's what they want to do. I never want to make my friends secondary... but maybe I'm not making myself a priority at all anymore. Right now, there are a few people I would drop everything for to run to their side if they need me. But I don't HAVE anything to drop. I say that, but it's nothing for me to go anywhere. I'm not DOING anything. I need to DO something. The people I care for are moving, they are struggling to do things for themselves.
I'm just sitting in dead water.
Which kind of pertains to the small bit of news I got today. A person who I use to go to high school with, in like, 8th, 9th grade (Trisha, for those who know) is apparently moving back into town. She moved out of state around 9th grade I think. And, apparently, her and the guy I spent 7 years loving, and have now broke of from, (Josh) are going out again.
I really hate the fact that this is pissing me off as bad as it is. I don't care, I really don't. I definitely don't want to be anything special to him, I want nothing to do with him. But I am SERIOUSLY pissed. I don't know, there's so much history there. I watched as they were together, hurt each other and broke up, then I watched him go through all the rest of the shit of my high school and after, all the while I was ripping my heart every time I talked to him on the phone, and he spoke those damn words to me that kept me hooked and wanting while he was off getting MARRIED to a close friend of mine!! I HATE the thought that now he's going back to the very begining. It's like nothing happened, she didn't have any children, she didn't get married, he didn't get married, they are back to their happy high schools days. I feel used and angry. And I hate that it's bothering me. I have other things to think about, I can't waste brain and heart space on this.
But it's made me know that I would not mind locking myself in a room and spending hours on art. I could do those things. There are two people who I would let in, who I know can just sit with me while I do things, and not need me to do anything for me. There's someone else I love to death, but I don't think her and I have reached the point where we can sit and do things without needing to do them together. But I could live without having contact with a lot of people.
I'm going to do my best at this. I'm going to fight, even in my blind state, to take this while I can. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. But I will have tried, and that is what is important. I've decided. So I don't know how, but I've got to try and do this. For myself. Not for my family, not for my friends, not for the people who say I can. For myself, because in the end, I need to be selfish about this. I HAVE to be selfish. I need to do something for myself for once, not for anyone else.
So I will try. I may fail, but like my teacher said, It's not good art unless you take a chance. Anyone can make something 'good'. It's only the people who take a chance that make something excellent. I don't know how I'm going to do this, or if it's what I will do for the rest of my life, but I'm going to try it.
Go me.