Cocain
Separation in mind space between cocain users and non users is a vast cavity that is seemingly traversable at first glance but upon approach the paranoia combined with the wanting spread your two cliffs drastically apart. I myself am a user, but have been sober for the larger part of a month now. I live with five other users and one non user who, like me, is suicidal. My roommates stopped sharing because of an argument I had with one of them, over completely unrelated issues, which resulted in a brawl over a knife through the house. Again, neither of us to my knowledge were under the influence at the time nor was the argument over the drug... But after that incident I have not been shared with like the other involved party only asked to share, this combined with the fact that only the other involved party talks to me about anything important or really talks to me at all leads me to believe that despite face appearances I am either feared, disrespected, or distrusted. All three is a definite possibility as well.
I feel stepped on.
I'm afraid.
I'm getting cluster headaches again, and the night terrors are becoming more and more vivid.
There is this evil little part of me that wants to relapse on the opiates.
curiosity often leads to trouble.
I wonder how far I can push these people.
above said involved party was one of the most recent romantic interests, of which concluded with a dramatic and abrupt ending full of confused emotions, lies, dissatisfaction, and instantaneous distain.
This falling out just so happened to overlap with me coming to my senses in one way and losing my fucking mind in another.
firstly, I'm getting back into therapy, and am likely to be getting back on anxiety medication. I'm sleeping in my own room, alone some nights, its different not having someone there at all times. But there is someone, and I think I'm going to attempt monogamy with him, despite our tumultuous past. We shall call him Knight to maintain anonymity.
When I wake up next to him I smile and feel like I'm falling through clouds of smoke. We genuinely love each other, despite our deep seated fear of each other, and borne from that fear is an even deeper respect. We fell in love the first time we met, and we feel in love again after destroying each other utterly. I don't need any more convincing.
these are my new kittens, on the left is Pleadies and on the right is Pyxidis.
And on that fuzzy note I leave you to go Finish my paw tattoos.
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