alone....again. i wish i was something someone wants
ok im not sure why im thinking of aLL of these things but im feeling like putting them out there. ok first thing thats been plaguing me is the feeling of that i dont have anything in life to show for. the greastest time i remember was a time when i was on drugs. i think that isnt really something that i should be proud of. another feeling is that im the most horrible thing in the world. i think im going to seriously try to become annorexic or bulemic or which ever the one where you throw up alot. then i would work out a little and then id start losing weight. just like 50 lbs and id be happy. then girls wouldnt dismiss me as the weird fat dude staring at them, not that i stare at women or anything because i try hardier then normal not to. also i am going to try pretty hard to get me a job. then ill work to get me a 9-5 and live a normal life with a wife and 3 kids and lose myself in the mindless shuffles of this capitalist america. sometimes i think about taking a long sharp metal object and yeah. but i found something out. music is the answer. dont ever faulter from it and you will be ok. i dont think i like being alone. i get really down when im alone. im alone alot even when i am around people. i was alone last night even if i was around like 10 people. now look at me to im alone again. and i cant sleep. i wish i had something to put me to sleep for exactly 7 hours and id wake up and ready to go. another thing ive been feeling latly is that i care to much for people and if i asked back for like half of what i care about them, then i wouldnt even get half of that back. im pretty sure im going to stay away from dylans house without him there. gavin and val arent really the greatest role-models, so i should chill out with the constant hanging out with them. also i always feel sad when im around them. not really sure why. the party the other night wasnt making me to good(other than the "x" i was on) either. i couldnt really look at nikki because i knew shes into tink. i think i might like her a little to much for what is going to turn out(her being with tink).this entry is going to be so short on lj but its kinda big in notepad. i wanna talk to people about my problem but i just cant.more of my fear to show my real emotions about things. at the second party i went to last night i wantewd to cry through almost all of it and i couldnt go back to the other one because i would cry. im going to learn to make drugs and be a chemist and make alot of drugs. ill even make new shit that makes you hallucinate alot and sell it to people for alot of money. then spend all that money on ice and get skinny the easy way. or i could just sit back like im probably going to do and wish i did something. i might just be one of the biggest, pathetic, jerk weeds there are in this world. damn. i think im going to quit writing soon.ok ill end this with a question. if you could pick a reality like is or a virtual reality without emotions or senses or anything, what would you pick and why? seriously answer please.