(no subject)
"...As he watches her walk away he feels a loss. 'How is it possible,' he thinks, 'to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her?' Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that...well...it was life."
And all I could think was "I miss him so much."
I miss the way we used to be the way things used to matter. Now I've been told by everyone I know to stay away. To not put myself through that again and again. But its hard to stay away from someone you love and need so much. He'd love that I need him. And it's true, I do. Maybe not him exactly, but someone to love me. Actually just completely love me. It's not something I talk a lot about, or that I like to admit, but I often times veiw myself as unlovable. Not in the emo way. Not in the self pity way. Not in the way that I say it so people will say they love me. But in the way where I don't even love myself, so how could I expect someone else to? I don't want to be around me, why would anyone else? I hate myself, why shouldn't everyone else?
Not to sound completely cliche, but why would anyone love me? I know now that he never did. No one ever did. Maybe Jamie, but only maybe. I've been in love more times than I can count and never once, ever, has anyone ever loved me back. I can't make believe anymore. I would always tell myself that someone had to love me, even if I didn't know. But thats not true. It just isn't. People made me believe that because they knew I was weak. Because they knew that they could use me if I believed that they loved me. I wish you loved me back. I wish I hadn't wasted all that time thinking you loved me. I wish that I didn't love you anymore.
I might need help. I might need human contact. I might need someone. I might not be able to put up this front anymore.
And all I could think was "I miss him so much."
I miss the way we used to be the way things used to matter. Now I've been told by everyone I know to stay away. To not put myself through that again and again. But its hard to stay away from someone you love and need so much. He'd love that I need him. And it's true, I do. Maybe not him exactly, but someone to love me. Actually just completely love me. It's not something I talk a lot about, or that I like to admit, but I often times veiw myself as unlovable. Not in the emo way. Not in the self pity way. Not in the way that I say it so people will say they love me. But in the way where I don't even love myself, so how could I expect someone else to? I don't want to be around me, why would anyone else? I hate myself, why shouldn't everyone else?
Not to sound completely cliche, but why would anyone love me? I know now that he never did. No one ever did. Maybe Jamie, but only maybe. I've been in love more times than I can count and never once, ever, has anyone ever loved me back. I can't make believe anymore. I would always tell myself that someone had to love me, even if I didn't know. But thats not true. It just isn't. People made me believe that because they knew I was weak. Because they knew that they could use me if I believed that they loved me. I wish you loved me back. I wish I hadn't wasted all that time thinking you loved me. I wish that I didn't love you anymore.
I might need help. I might need human contact. I might need someone. I might not be able to put up this front anymore.