x's & o's
I woke up at 6.30 this morning. For someone who can typically sleep until noon without a problem, getting up that early is worth mentioning. I took B to work and instead of crawling back into bed I decided to do something, you know...productive. I toyed with the idea of calling Anthro and asking if they would like for me to come in early to help with a massive transfer that was faxed last night, but that idea didn't stick for too long. I mean, I only stayed 48 minutes late last night. So I cleaned the dishes from our feast last night. I hate washing dishes.
Thoughts constantly stream through my head, but that's all they usually do. It's like static and each little bit is fleeting. Today is different. I feel so stable. That never happens. Here I am. I am what most people mean when they say "blessed." I've never meant that more than I do right now. So, my life is far from perfect and I'm scrubbing a skillet caked with what looks more like dog food than last night's turkey burgers. I don't have a couch, but I have a gi-normous "crazy chair." I'm lacking so much, but that's okay. And for the first time in ages I feel okay.
I make stupid very stupid decisions very often. I could've died so many times by now, or at least gone to jail a whole lot. I never have, knock on wood, and that, in itself, makes me the luckiest person I know. I know the risks and I take them. I don't learn many lessons "the hard way." Yeah, I've been fucked over, but I've fucked people over too. I recognize that there are people in my life who would never turn their backs on me. And I know who they are. For a girl who trusts no one, that's saying something.
Not that I'm remotely level-headed, but I see through bullshit a mile away. Not that I'm rational, but I know when something is worth getting upset over. If asked to describe me in a word, no one would choose "pissy." I really am surrounded by wonderful people, most of the time. I'm relationship retarded and sometimes I just want to fall completely in love, but I'm smart enough to wait until it's completely real and I'm ready. I refuse to rush. I was so suicidal yesterday...no really, more than ever before...but there's always something like logic, not necessarily logic, that stops me before I go too far. I never plan because I could die in the next five minutes - you never know. But I know that there's something absolutely beautiful waiting for me. Motivation is one of my weaknesses. Duh. I'm a college graduate working retail...and it's the same position that I held as a student. Money isn't quite rolling in, but I don't need all that crap. I am so very content. I'm not where I want to be and I grow more restless each second, but I have faith that things will be all right in the end.
I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it's just today...or the next thirteen minutes. Maybe it's because I finally slept after Day Four. Maybe it's because I drank the world's strongest orange creamsicle instead of snorting $50 worth of crack when I was down last night. Maybe it was because of the friends I keep. The sweetest boy in Texas cooked turkey burgers and pasta for me, afterall. Maybe it was because I ate. Who likes suicide on a full belly? This amazing high makes up for all the lows. And now I'm glad that I went to my bed instead of a party last night.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow and I still don't know what happened last Friday. But I'm okay.
Thoughts constantly stream through my head, but that's all they usually do. It's like static and each little bit is fleeting. Today is different. I feel so stable. That never happens. Here I am. I am what most people mean when they say "blessed." I've never meant that more than I do right now. So, my life is far from perfect and I'm scrubbing a skillet caked with what looks more like dog food than last night's turkey burgers. I don't have a couch, but I have a gi-normous "crazy chair." I'm lacking so much, but that's okay. And for the first time in ages I feel okay.
I make stupid very stupid decisions very often. I could've died so many times by now, or at least gone to jail a whole lot. I never have, knock on wood, and that, in itself, makes me the luckiest person I know. I know the risks and I take them. I don't learn many lessons "the hard way." Yeah, I've been fucked over, but I've fucked people over too. I recognize that there are people in my life who would never turn their backs on me. And I know who they are. For a girl who trusts no one, that's saying something.
Not that I'm remotely level-headed, but I see through bullshit a mile away. Not that I'm rational, but I know when something is worth getting upset over. If asked to describe me in a word, no one would choose "pissy." I really am surrounded by wonderful people, most of the time. I'm relationship retarded and sometimes I just want to fall completely in love, but I'm smart enough to wait until it's completely real and I'm ready. I refuse to rush. I was so suicidal yesterday...no really, more than ever before...but there's always something like logic, not necessarily logic, that stops me before I go too far. I never plan because I could die in the next five minutes - you never know. But I know that there's something absolutely beautiful waiting for me. Motivation is one of my weaknesses. Duh. I'm a college graduate working retail...and it's the same position that I held as a student. Money isn't quite rolling in, but I don't need all that crap. I am so very content. I'm not where I want to be and I grow more restless each second, but I have faith that things will be all right in the end.
I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it's just today...or the next thirteen minutes. Maybe it's because I finally slept after Day Four. Maybe it's because I drank the world's strongest orange creamsicle instead of snorting $50 worth of crack when I was down last night. Maybe it was because of the friends I keep. The sweetest boy in Texas cooked turkey burgers and pasta for me, afterall. Maybe it was because I ate. Who likes suicide on a full belly? This amazing high makes up for all the lows. And now I'm glad that I went to my bed instead of a party last night.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow and I still don't know what happened last Friday. But I'm okay.