(no subject)
Hi. I’m Drei, and I’m an Addict.
Not to alcohol, drugs or even sex (Ok, maybe a little to Milk Tea.)
Some of my friends have reached some sort conclusion that I am addicted to “falling in love”. Not love itself, (I actually wish it were as simple as that), but the feeling just before that. You know, the rush, the kilig as some would call it. Just to be on the safe side though, I would not like to use the word love. (I actually rewrote this from an earlier version which focused too much on that.) I guess then, it’s an addiction to attraction. An overwhelming desire to pursue someone, and just that, never following through. I don’t know. I just love that feeling you get when you tell someone you like them, or you’re attracted to them. Actually, the fact of just liking them is enough for me.
Not that I didn’t mean it when it was there. It’s hard to believe, considering this context, but I’m always sincere when it comes to that kind of thing.
But this is what I’m addicted to: that feeling you get when you’re with her, and she doesn’t suspect one bit that you’re obsessed with her. That feeling when you get when you think about her constantly. When you prepare for months, researching and planning, to give her something you know she’ll appreciate. To some extent, it’s an addiction to the person, as an object of affection.
Sadly, it stops there.
But who in their right mind would want to fall, go through the process and all, and not want it when it’s already there?
(I actually had an urge to willingly get run over by a car before, because I thought some girl would find it sweet. So maybe I am not in the right state of mind, after all.)
Fear of commitment, maybe. But I’m pretty sure it’s much more than that. I also refuse to call this simply hormone driven girl addiction, as it is not as simple as that either. Who knows, maybe it’s some weird psychological conditioning brought about by experience or maybe, as Freud would probably suggest, a traumatic childhood experience. I will add to this of course, the Theory of Incremental Principle of Anticipation.
I still refuse to call it love.
I’m addicted to falling.
This is a potentially damaging revelation. Not just because it exposes me as an asshole, but because I might as well have slapped a big warning label on my forehead. I post this with the hope of finding others just like me.(That's a lot of hope.)
I guess, the first step to recovery is acceptance...