How to make it good: The Star Wars Prequels
And now the second in the ongoing series, where I tell wealthy, sucessful people how not to churn out shit. Using only the power of my giant thinky brain, I will show how it is possible to make Star Wars prequels that are a cavalcade of CGI wank, bad acting and scripting inconsistant while other established continuity...
First off, we can't get rid of Lucas. Ok we could. Sure we COULD have him ninja'd in his sleep and then Manchurian Canidate his heirs so they let the proper prequels be made. But reducing someone's brain to zombie mush takes a lot of effort. And we're all about avoiding effort. So Lucas stays on as Executive Producer and Director. But we'll distract him with puppet shows so that all the work is done by talented A.Ds and script doctors and what not...
Next if it involves a CGI alien that is meant to be funny by using broad and possibly racist stereotyping? Gone. Bye Jar-Jar. Bye Jamacain frog people. Toodles Shylock the Flying Lizard Guy. Also gone? R2-D2 and C3PO. Yes thats right, characters from episodes 4-6 who have NO place here, so long! We'll leave in a plucky repair droid, who bonds with someone. Because, hey everyone loves a plucky sidekick. They've got pluck...
Also much of the plot for Episode 1 can stay the same. Trade Federation blockading Monarchist planet Naboo. Thats fine. Republic Senatorial government is deadlocked thanks to numerous feuding factions, so nothing being done. Ok. Jedi Council have sent in Qui-Gon and his student Kenobi in to mediate? All good...
Then the Jedi escape from the ship, fighting robots, etc etc. Thats good. Shows how much cooler Force powers can be made to look now. Plus improved fight choreagraphy. Thats all fine...
So Qui-Gon and Kenobi land on Naboo. Hide, find a local who gets them into the palace and meet the Queen. We're actually going to make her 12. That way her and Anakin's ages are closer and thus not creepy to imply romantic feelings between them. Though of course the Jedi actually meet a double. Though we'll have hints that Qui-Gon (being a Jedi with lots of awesome sensory powers) has figured that out...
Queen and Jedi escape Naboo, barely. Forced to land on Tattoinne. Plucky repair droid is introduced. Droid bonds with Queen's maid (who is, of course, actually the Queen). Group heads into Mos Eisely to find parts or whatever. Qui-gon, Kenobi, precocious child maid and plucky droid. Meet alien machinesmith (who actually comes off as ALIEN and not GREEDY JEW) and his assistant, an indentured servant and her son (We'll say hes 10). Son has knack for machinery and Qui-Gon and Kenobi can tell he has much potential in the Force. Kid also is planning to enter the Great Pod Race, but he needs a crew to help him finish his racer...
Since both the Jedi and the Nabooians can't access their money. 'Cause of the hiding from the Trade Federation. So they agree to help Annie finish his racer and then plan to bet on him to win to get the funds to repair their ship. Also Annie has to agree to come to Coruscant to learn about Jedi'ing. Annie doesn't want to leave Mommy, but she thinks having a Jedi son would be bitchrod, so encourages him to take the deal. No Jaba. Having him here was stupid and pointless...
Still Pod Race scene. Woosh! VROOM! Sand people? Oh noes! Cheating driver? Double oh noes? Annie wins! Yay!
Ok, ship gets repaired. Annie says bye to mommy. Annie and Maid Girl bond. BUM BUM BUM! A SITH! Jedi hold him off until everyone escapes again. VWOOSH! Off to Coruscant. Jedi very, very worried. Whats a Sith doing here. Bad bad bad...
Coruscant. Senator Palpatine shows up to meet group. Takes an interest in Annie. Qui-Gon spoils Queen Amy's big reveal. Ha ha! Silly tweener Queen. You can't fool no Jedi. Jedi is the smartest! Palpatine looks smug...
Qui-Gon and Kenobi intro Annie to Council. Council act like jerks, all "sense great potential for good/bad, blah blah in kid, unsure if should train". Qui-Gon all screw that noise. Annie will be AWESOMEST EVER, will train himself...
Over to Senate. Queen Amy makes passionate speech, Senate agrees to minor military aid to break up blockade. Trade Federation loyalists abstain in sulkiness. Palpatine and Annie have convo full of foreshadowings. DARK FORESHADOWINGS!
Battle over Naboo. Annie and plucky droid sneak into battle. Combo of luck and skill manage to destroy main command center so droids can only be commanded in unit sizes by TF aliens. Queen Amy and loyalists fight in palace. Jedi vs. Sith in power center for droids. Qui-Gon killed by Sith. Sith killed by Kenobi. Droids defeated. TF run away. Much rejoicing. Though sad, sad funeral for Qui-Gon. Kenobi will now teach Annie. Yoda says he'll help as favor to dead friend. Though still worried. Annie and Amy smile at each other, Palpatine engages in secret angry glaring from shadows. Roll credits...
Ok, the next two in a bit...
First off, we can't get rid of Lucas. Ok we could. Sure we COULD have him ninja'd in his sleep and then Manchurian Canidate his heirs so they let the proper prequels be made. But reducing someone's brain to zombie mush takes a lot of effort. And we're all about avoiding effort. So Lucas stays on as Executive Producer and Director. But we'll distract him with puppet shows so that all the work is done by talented A.Ds and script doctors and what not...
Next if it involves a CGI alien that is meant to be funny by using broad and possibly racist stereotyping? Gone. Bye Jar-Jar. Bye Jamacain frog people. Toodles Shylock the Flying Lizard Guy. Also gone? R2-D2 and C3PO. Yes thats right, characters from episodes 4-6 who have NO place here, so long! We'll leave in a plucky repair droid, who bonds with someone. Because, hey everyone loves a plucky sidekick. They've got pluck...
Also much of the plot for Episode 1 can stay the same. Trade Federation blockading Monarchist planet Naboo. Thats fine. Republic Senatorial government is deadlocked thanks to numerous feuding factions, so nothing being done. Ok. Jedi Council have sent in Qui-Gon and his student Kenobi in to mediate? All good...
Then the Jedi escape from the ship, fighting robots, etc etc. Thats good. Shows how much cooler Force powers can be made to look now. Plus improved fight choreagraphy. Thats all fine...
So Qui-Gon and Kenobi land on Naboo. Hide, find a local who gets them into the palace and meet the Queen. We're actually going to make her 12. That way her and Anakin's ages are closer and thus not creepy to imply romantic feelings between them. Though of course the Jedi actually meet a double. Though we'll have hints that Qui-Gon (being a Jedi with lots of awesome sensory powers) has figured that out...
Queen and Jedi escape Naboo, barely. Forced to land on Tattoinne. Plucky repair droid is introduced. Droid bonds with Queen's maid (who is, of course, actually the Queen). Group heads into Mos Eisely to find parts or whatever. Qui-gon, Kenobi, precocious child maid and plucky droid. Meet alien machinesmith (who actually comes off as ALIEN and not GREEDY JEW) and his assistant, an indentured servant and her son (We'll say hes 10). Son has knack for machinery and Qui-Gon and Kenobi can tell he has much potential in the Force. Kid also is planning to enter the Great Pod Race, but he needs a crew to help him finish his racer...
Since both the Jedi and the Nabooians can't access their money. 'Cause of the hiding from the Trade Federation. So they agree to help Annie finish his racer and then plan to bet on him to win to get the funds to repair their ship. Also Annie has to agree to come to Coruscant to learn about Jedi'ing. Annie doesn't want to leave Mommy, but she thinks having a Jedi son would be bitchrod, so encourages him to take the deal. No Jaba. Having him here was stupid and pointless...
Still Pod Race scene. Woosh! VROOM! Sand people? Oh noes! Cheating driver? Double oh noes? Annie wins! Yay!
Ok, ship gets repaired. Annie says bye to mommy. Annie and Maid Girl bond. BUM BUM BUM! A SITH! Jedi hold him off until everyone escapes again. VWOOSH! Off to Coruscant. Jedi very, very worried. Whats a Sith doing here. Bad bad bad...
Coruscant. Senator Palpatine shows up to meet group. Takes an interest in Annie. Qui-Gon spoils Queen Amy's big reveal. Ha ha! Silly tweener Queen. You can't fool no Jedi. Jedi is the smartest! Palpatine looks smug...
Qui-Gon and Kenobi intro Annie to Council. Council act like jerks, all "sense great potential for good/bad, blah blah in kid, unsure if should train". Qui-Gon all screw that noise. Annie will be AWESOMEST EVER, will train himself...
Over to Senate. Queen Amy makes passionate speech, Senate agrees to minor military aid to break up blockade. Trade Federation loyalists abstain in sulkiness. Palpatine and Annie have convo full of foreshadowings. DARK FORESHADOWINGS!
Battle over Naboo. Annie and plucky droid sneak into battle. Combo of luck and skill manage to destroy main command center so droids can only be commanded in unit sizes by TF aliens. Queen Amy and loyalists fight in palace. Jedi vs. Sith in power center for droids. Qui-Gon killed by Sith. Sith killed by Kenobi. Droids defeated. TF run away. Much rejoicing. Though sad, sad funeral for Qui-Gon. Kenobi will now teach Annie. Yoda says he'll help as favor to dead friend. Though still worried. Annie and Amy smile at each other, Palpatine engages in secret angry glaring from shadows. Roll credits...
Ok, the next two in a bit...