The Fall of the Kingdom of...
Title: The Fall of the Kingdom of Something-or-Other
Original Fiction
Rating: G
Summary: A short story I wrote for alyciachristine as a sort of Mad Libs type thing. Basically an original crack fic. :)
Boyd trudged through the tangerine orchard. Really, it was rather dull. Sighing, he paused at the base of one and looked up. Yep, looked like all the others. Just like they looked the year before. And the year before that. Shrugging, he pulled out a sheaf of parchment and sketched a quick representation of the biggest tangerines, then scribbled a couple notes about the orchard as a whole and the Duke of SomePlace who owned it. With any luck he would be able to get the article in the next moon’s issue of “Something-Or-Other Times” and secure his job as an Agriculture Journalist rather than just a freelancer.
This summer had been progressing rather sluggishly. Everything seemed to be going along business as usual and only the lucky guy assigned to the sea cucumber story had gotten to travel. Well, travel farther than SomePlace’s lands anyways. After all, Boyd was actually from the town of WhatsIt which looked to the Earl of Awesomeness, a full three day’s journey from the Duke’s orchard.
Leaving the orchard, Boyd looked around for his pony. The creature wasn’t worth much but it sure beat walking between WhatsIt and SomePlace. Locating the pony, he clambered aboard and headed for home. He hadn’t followed the road for long when he spotted a huge group of people marching towards him. Frowning worriedly, he pulled off to the side. Large groups were generally not a good sign and these didn’t look happy. He sincerely hoped this wouldn’t make him late for his deadline.
He watched curiously as the group marched past. They were outfitted in what appeared to be studded leather armor and all carried spears in one hand with short swords on the opposite hip. Boyd gulped and pulled his pony further from the road, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be involved in this. Unfortunately for Boyd, he turned out to not have much choice.
Once the group had gone by, Boyd hurried his pony along the road towards home. He was still in Duke SomePlace’s land when night fell. He heard howling off to the left, apparently coming from within the trees that stood a short distance away. Shivering, Boyd pulled his cloak tighter and looked ahead, hoping for a sign of civilization. The trees had seemed plenty far enough from the road in the daylight, but now that night had fallen they suddenly seemed much closer.
There! Up ahead he could make out firelight, perfect. He nudged the pony into a faster trot, about the fastest pace it would go. Every time he heard another howl, Boyd jumped and huddled under his cloak, continuously urging the pony to go faster. Finally he got close enough to see the fire and who was around it. It appeared to be occupied by a couple of young men and a large group of dogs. Frowning in puzzlement, Boyd almost turned around when another howl sounded. Mind made up he dismounted and walked steadily towards the fire.
Reaching the ring of light, he cleared his throat tentatively. The two men looked up, smiling welcomingly. “Uh… hi. I’m Boyd, I was wondering if I could share your fire?”
The closest man nodded, “Sure. I’m Rufus, and that’s Branden.” He waved a hand in the direction of the other man. “And these are Spot, Dog, Pup, Barker, Buddy, Buster, and Rocky.” He waved at each of the dogs in turn.
Boyd nodded awkwardly, “Nice to meet you. This is Tweezers.” He indicated his pony. The men nodded at the pony. Rufus waved at an empty spot, “Join us, Boyd. Better than being out there with that howling.”
Boyd nodded emphatically in agreement and sat between Rufus and the dog he thought had been indicated as Buddy. “So, Rufus, why is it you and Branden have so many dogs?”
It was Branden who answered, “Well, we’re dog walkers for Duke SomePlace. We were out walking these guys when the war kicked off earlier so now here we are, probably going to have to join up.”
Boyd blinked in surprise, “War?”
“Yep, Duke SomePlace, Earl Awesomeness, Duke Whosit, and Baron Wherever all teamed up and are revolting against the King of Something-Or-Other. We heard the entire towns of WhatsIt and Whosit have been mobilized, plus a large portion of all the other lands.”
“Oh boy. That means the printing of the ‘Something-Or-Other Times’ is going to be delayed, huh?”
“Probably. Probably be renamed too since it’s based in WhatsIt. You work for the Times, Boyd?”
“I’m an Agricultural Journalist.” Boyd straightened in pride. “I’m working on an article about Duke SomePlace’s tangerine orchard.” The two other men looked suitably impressed. Boyd glanced at the dog next to him. Reaching out he patted its soft fur, “This is Buddy right?”
Rufus answered, “No, that’s Dog. Buddy’s the next one over.”
“Oh, right.”
“Well, if we’re all going to be probably conscripted tomorrow we should sleep. Good night, Branden, Boyd.”
“Night Rufus, Boyd.”
“Good night, Rufus. Good Night, Branden.”
* * *
The next morning the three men were rudely awakened by shouting, barking, and a general clamor of noise. Sitting up, Boyd rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, glancing over as Rufus grumbled grouchily, “Can’t they wait to conscript us until at least noon?”
Apparently, they could not. Several shadows fell across the young men. Looking up blearily, Boyd vaguely made out the shape of a man, dressed in what appeared to be all metal armor. “Up and at ‘em boys! Time to take out Something-Or-Other!” the man boomed.
Boyd winced at the volume. “Uh… who are you? Sir.”
“Captain Bubbaton! Of the ThisThat Brigade! Time to go boys!”
The three young men exchanged looks, then sighing, struggled to their feet. This guy was clearly way too excited. Boyd fell in beside Rufus and Branden, the three new best friends trudging along behind Captain Bubbaton. Reaching the road they found the rest of what had to be ThisThat Brigade.
The Captain led them to the single wagon at the back of the brigade and proceeded to toss random articles of clothing at the three. “Here you go! Your pants! Shirt! Boots! Armor shirt! Hat! Pike! Sword! Belt! Socks! And of course! Maroon pajamas! Well quickly boys, get changed!”
Sighing, the trio quickly changed. Once done, Captain Bubbaton showed back up, this time with seven leashes leading seven dogs. “Here boys, I think these are yours!” Rufus and Branden nodded slightly, taking the leashes quickly.
Once Bubbaton had moved away Boyd offered, “Want some help with those? Rather do this than whatever that guy wants.”
“Sure.” Rufus handed him the leashes of Dog and Buddy. Dogs in hand the three men fell in at the back of ThisThat Brigade, resigned to marching off to… wherever.
ThisThat Brigade continued to grow throughout the next few days as it moved along, randomly acquiring anyone they came across. Soon Boyd, Rufus, and Branden were joined at the back of the Brigade by Vito the Violinist and his magical Violin.
Finally they reached the lands of Something-Or-Other and his allies, the Duke of Somewhat, the Earls of There and Here, the Count of I-Don’t-Know-Where and the Baron of Such-and-Such. ThisThat Brigade joined the Legion of Greatness, the Black-Clothes Brigade, the Almost-Bad-Guys Brigade, and the So-And-So Chimera Detachment. Boyd, Rufus, Branden, and Vito were designated as scouts on account of the dogs, who had been joined by Lady and Frederick.
Each armed with at least two dogs, the quartet snuck stealthily towards enemy lines. They took quick looks around before scampering back to ThisThat, none of them wanted to know what the slimy thing at the center of the enemy camp was. Once back in camp they reported to Captain Bubbaton. “Slimy! Quick, High General Mucky-Muck must know about this!”
With that he steered them all to the High General’s tent. Awed at meeting High General Mucky-Muck (it was rumored he was close, personal friends with Duke SomePlace) they managed to stammer out their reports about the slimy thing in the center of the enemy camp. Mucky-Muck nodded thoughtfully. “Well done, boys, well done. Yes… this is worrisome. We’ll have to do something. Yes… good job boys.” He waved them out of the tent, still murmuring.
Sighing in relief the men withdrew and slunk back to their campfire, accompanied by their dog pack. The next morning they were woken by Bubbaton’s shouting again, “Boys! Mucky-Muck needs you! We have a plan! Quick! Bring the Violin!”
Vito grabbed his violin, the others grabbed the dog leashes, and they were once again dragged into Mucky-Muck’s presence. Once there Mucky-Muck looked up. He almost smiled. “Ah, yes… you’re here. Good… well, boy, I hear you have a magic violin? Yes… hmmm… very good. I want you to ride with the chimeras… yes. Play your violin, make the slimy thing explode. It’s a good plan… yes. Go now… hmm… and you three. You have the dogs… yes. Bubbaton was right. Here, take these… you will throw them at the bad guys, yes…” He handed each of them six round objects.
Looking curiously at the objects, the boys shrugged, gave a vague salute and left the tent. Vito was promptly whisked away to the chimeras by Bubbaton while Boyd, Rufus, and Branden shrugged again and fell in with the rest of ThisThat. Before noon the battle had commenced. Vito rode on the lead chimera playing “The Devil Went Down To Something-Or-Other as loud and fast as he could. Within seconds the slimy thing had exploded, covering all of the army of Something-Or-Other in slime. The other three lobbed their round objects at the army, watching in glee as streamers popped out and blinded the bad guys. Within an hour the bad guys had surrendered.
Duke SomePlace was crowned the new King. The kingdom was renamed ThatPlace (because that was actually its real name and the Duke had finally gotten fed up with everyone getting the name wrong). Boyd’s article on the tangerine orchard was published in the newly christened ThatPlace Gazette and he became a full-fledged Agriculture Journalist. Rufus and Branden became the Royal Dog Walkers and had over two dozen dogs and three assistants. Vito married a random girl he had met on the road but who didn’t actually play a part in the battle though she saw him get wounded and realized she loved him and nursed him back to health. The Magical Violin was accorded a special place in the Hall of Shiny Stuff and the former King and his allies were sent to the Grand High Dungeon of Dark Smelliness. And everyone lived happily ever after.
Original Fiction
Rating: G
Summary: A short story I wrote for alyciachristine as a sort of Mad Libs type thing. Basically an original crack fic. :)
Boyd trudged through the tangerine orchard. Really, it was rather dull. Sighing, he paused at the base of one and looked up. Yep, looked like all the others. Just like they looked the year before. And the year before that. Shrugging, he pulled out a sheaf of parchment and sketched a quick representation of the biggest tangerines, then scribbled a couple notes about the orchard as a whole and the Duke of SomePlace who owned it. With any luck he would be able to get the article in the next moon’s issue of “Something-Or-Other Times” and secure his job as an Agriculture Journalist rather than just a freelancer.
This summer had been progressing rather sluggishly. Everything seemed to be going along business as usual and only the lucky guy assigned to the sea cucumber story had gotten to travel. Well, travel farther than SomePlace’s lands anyways. After all, Boyd was actually from the town of WhatsIt which looked to the Earl of Awesomeness, a full three day’s journey from the Duke’s orchard.
Leaving the orchard, Boyd looked around for his pony. The creature wasn’t worth much but it sure beat walking between WhatsIt and SomePlace. Locating the pony, he clambered aboard and headed for home. He hadn’t followed the road for long when he spotted a huge group of people marching towards him. Frowning worriedly, he pulled off to the side. Large groups were generally not a good sign and these didn’t look happy. He sincerely hoped this wouldn’t make him late for his deadline.
He watched curiously as the group marched past. They were outfitted in what appeared to be studded leather armor and all carried spears in one hand with short swords on the opposite hip. Boyd gulped and pulled his pony further from the road, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be involved in this. Unfortunately for Boyd, he turned out to not have much choice.
Once the group had gone by, Boyd hurried his pony along the road towards home. He was still in Duke SomePlace’s land when night fell. He heard howling off to the left, apparently coming from within the trees that stood a short distance away. Shivering, Boyd pulled his cloak tighter and looked ahead, hoping for a sign of civilization. The trees had seemed plenty far enough from the road in the daylight, but now that night had fallen they suddenly seemed much closer.
There! Up ahead he could make out firelight, perfect. He nudged the pony into a faster trot, about the fastest pace it would go. Every time he heard another howl, Boyd jumped and huddled under his cloak, continuously urging the pony to go faster. Finally he got close enough to see the fire and who was around it. It appeared to be occupied by a couple of young men and a large group of dogs. Frowning in puzzlement, Boyd almost turned around when another howl sounded. Mind made up he dismounted and walked steadily towards the fire.
Reaching the ring of light, he cleared his throat tentatively. The two men looked up, smiling welcomingly. “Uh… hi. I’m Boyd, I was wondering if I could share your fire?”
The closest man nodded, “Sure. I’m Rufus, and that’s Branden.” He waved a hand in the direction of the other man. “And these are Spot, Dog, Pup, Barker, Buddy, Buster, and Rocky.” He waved at each of the dogs in turn.
Boyd nodded awkwardly, “Nice to meet you. This is Tweezers.” He indicated his pony. The men nodded at the pony. Rufus waved at an empty spot, “Join us, Boyd. Better than being out there with that howling.”
Boyd nodded emphatically in agreement and sat between Rufus and the dog he thought had been indicated as Buddy. “So, Rufus, why is it you and Branden have so many dogs?”
It was Branden who answered, “Well, we’re dog walkers for Duke SomePlace. We were out walking these guys when the war kicked off earlier so now here we are, probably going to have to join up.”
Boyd blinked in surprise, “War?”
“Yep, Duke SomePlace, Earl Awesomeness, Duke Whosit, and Baron Wherever all teamed up and are revolting against the King of Something-Or-Other. We heard the entire towns of WhatsIt and Whosit have been mobilized, plus a large portion of all the other lands.”
“Oh boy. That means the printing of the ‘Something-Or-Other Times’ is going to be delayed, huh?”
“Probably. Probably be renamed too since it’s based in WhatsIt. You work for the Times, Boyd?”
“I’m an Agricultural Journalist.” Boyd straightened in pride. “I’m working on an article about Duke SomePlace’s tangerine orchard.” The two other men looked suitably impressed. Boyd glanced at the dog next to him. Reaching out he patted its soft fur, “This is Buddy right?”
Rufus answered, “No, that’s Dog. Buddy’s the next one over.”
“Oh, right.”
“Well, if we’re all going to be probably conscripted tomorrow we should sleep. Good night, Branden, Boyd.”
“Night Rufus, Boyd.”
“Good night, Rufus. Good Night, Branden.”
* * *
The next morning the three men were rudely awakened by shouting, barking, and a general clamor of noise. Sitting up, Boyd rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, glancing over as Rufus grumbled grouchily, “Can’t they wait to conscript us until at least noon?”
Apparently, they could not. Several shadows fell across the young men. Looking up blearily, Boyd vaguely made out the shape of a man, dressed in what appeared to be all metal armor. “Up and at ‘em boys! Time to take out Something-Or-Other!” the man boomed.
Boyd winced at the volume. “Uh… who are you? Sir.”
“Captain Bubbaton! Of the ThisThat Brigade! Time to go boys!”
The three young men exchanged looks, then sighing, struggled to their feet. This guy was clearly way too excited. Boyd fell in beside Rufus and Branden, the three new best friends trudging along behind Captain Bubbaton. Reaching the road they found the rest of what had to be ThisThat Brigade.
The Captain led them to the single wagon at the back of the brigade and proceeded to toss random articles of clothing at the three. “Here you go! Your pants! Shirt! Boots! Armor shirt! Hat! Pike! Sword! Belt! Socks! And of course! Maroon pajamas! Well quickly boys, get changed!”
Sighing, the trio quickly changed. Once done, Captain Bubbaton showed back up, this time with seven leashes leading seven dogs. “Here boys, I think these are yours!” Rufus and Branden nodded slightly, taking the leashes quickly.
Once Bubbaton had moved away Boyd offered, “Want some help with those? Rather do this than whatever that guy wants.”
“Sure.” Rufus handed him the leashes of Dog and Buddy. Dogs in hand the three men fell in at the back of ThisThat Brigade, resigned to marching off to… wherever.
ThisThat Brigade continued to grow throughout the next few days as it moved along, randomly acquiring anyone they came across. Soon Boyd, Rufus, and Branden were joined at the back of the Brigade by Vito the Violinist and his magical Violin.
Finally they reached the lands of Something-Or-Other and his allies, the Duke of Somewhat, the Earls of There and Here, the Count of I-Don’t-Know-Where and the Baron of Such-and-Such. ThisThat Brigade joined the Legion of Greatness, the Black-Clothes Brigade, the Almost-Bad-Guys Brigade, and the So-And-So Chimera Detachment. Boyd, Rufus, Branden, and Vito were designated as scouts on account of the dogs, who had been joined by Lady and Frederick.
Each armed with at least two dogs, the quartet snuck stealthily towards enemy lines. They took quick looks around before scampering back to ThisThat, none of them wanted to know what the slimy thing at the center of the enemy camp was. Once back in camp they reported to Captain Bubbaton. “Slimy! Quick, High General Mucky-Muck must know about this!”
With that he steered them all to the High General’s tent. Awed at meeting High General Mucky-Muck (it was rumored he was close, personal friends with Duke SomePlace) they managed to stammer out their reports about the slimy thing in the center of the enemy camp. Mucky-Muck nodded thoughtfully. “Well done, boys, well done. Yes… this is worrisome. We’ll have to do something. Yes… good job boys.” He waved them out of the tent, still murmuring.
Sighing in relief the men withdrew and slunk back to their campfire, accompanied by their dog pack. The next morning they were woken by Bubbaton’s shouting again, “Boys! Mucky-Muck needs you! We have a plan! Quick! Bring the Violin!”
Vito grabbed his violin, the others grabbed the dog leashes, and they were once again dragged into Mucky-Muck’s presence. Once there Mucky-Muck looked up. He almost smiled. “Ah, yes… you’re here. Good… well, boy, I hear you have a magic violin? Yes… hmmm… very good. I want you to ride with the chimeras… yes. Play your violin, make the slimy thing explode. It’s a good plan… yes. Go now… hmm… and you three. You have the dogs… yes. Bubbaton was right. Here, take these… you will throw them at the bad guys, yes…” He handed each of them six round objects.
Looking curiously at the objects, the boys shrugged, gave a vague salute and left the tent. Vito was promptly whisked away to the chimeras by Bubbaton while Boyd, Rufus, and Branden shrugged again and fell in with the rest of ThisThat. Before noon the battle had commenced. Vito rode on the lead chimera playing “The Devil Went Down To Something-Or-Other as loud and fast as he could. Within seconds the slimy thing had exploded, covering all of the army of Something-Or-Other in slime. The other three lobbed their round objects at the army, watching in glee as streamers popped out and blinded the bad guys. Within an hour the bad guys had surrendered.
Duke SomePlace was crowned the new King. The kingdom was renamed ThatPlace (because that was actually its real name and the Duke had finally gotten fed up with everyone getting the name wrong). Boyd’s article on the tangerine orchard was published in the newly christened ThatPlace Gazette and he became a full-fledged Agriculture Journalist. Rufus and Branden became the Royal Dog Walkers and had over two dozen dogs and three assistants. Vito married a random girl he had met on the road but who didn’t actually play a part in the battle though she saw him get wounded and realized she loved him and nursed him back to health. The Magical Violin was accorded a special place in the Hall of Shiny Stuff and the former King and his allies were sent to the Grand High Dungeon of Dark Smelliness. And everyone lived happily ever after.