Yes, I also assume we’re likely to end this exchange by deciding that we just regard things differently. :-) Still, it’s fascinating and very enjoyable! And-you probably already suspected so while writing-I disagree with several things you mentioned. Well, Amber and Wilson decide to buy a new mattress because of Wilson’s back, yes, but still she doesn’t leave him a real choice when they’re out to buy another one. While they’re testing a mattress, he says right away which one he prefers and she doesn’t acknowledge that but replies pointedly, “I like this one," asks the price and gets a huge discount thanks to a sob story she makes up. If she’d really wanted Wilson to make the decision (to offer him a permanent place in her bed and life, as you suppose), why didn't she leave him a real choice then? Instead, she practically finishes the deal, then leaves in a hurry and tells Wilson she’s fine with either one (yeah, that’s convincing). Well. Did she honestly expect him (we’re talking about Wilson here) to take the other one after all the effort she put into obtaining the firm mattress for a reduced prize? Later she argues, “I left it up to you,” but contradicts herself right away, “You were supposed to get the one you wanted.” If she left it up to him, she should be fine with either decision. When Wilson admits he wants to take care of her, she responds: “Have you met me? I can take care of me. I need you to take care of you.” But that’s not how relationships work for Wilson. Has she met him? (At the end, it’s left open which mattress they buy after returning the annoying waterbed. It might be just the oneWilson brought home first.) It seems as if Amber doesn’t know Wilson that well yet, which isn’t surprising; they’ve not been together that long. We can’t even be sure that the persona Amber presents while being around Wilson is her real one…The way I see it, Wilson has never thought he’d be together with Amber permanently anyway. What he says to Cuddy is: “But... I'm happy. Can't I just enjoy what that feels like for a while?” For a while. Not forever.
To come back to the original point, I don’t think Wilson’s buying the organ for House is related to the whole mattress thing. House and Wilson already share certain things like the TV set and the orange sofa (later the other furniture Wilson bought). The episode wasn’t about getting something together, but showing House that Wilson truly wants him there and in his life by buying something *just* for him. That’s why I don’t see Amber’s sleeping on the floor as a gesture equalling the purchase of the organ either. She awakens in bed alone and decides it’s nicer to sleep on the floor together (= egoistical reasons). Wilson bought the organ to make House happy. And he leaves to give him space to try it out and enjoy it. Not the same thing. However, I do see giving the organ to House as a quiet way of showing that Wilson only cares about him while disregarding purely material things (as Wilson always does).
While Wilson is not entirely happy by pleasing others and not getting much or anything back (here I agree ), it still defines him and has become a huge part of who he is. Let’s not forget that he might also be on antidepressants because he’s too involved with his patients’ fates. As an oncologist he’s constantly surrounded by people dying, crying, needing help or reassurance; they’re all eager for somebody who truly cares and offers to listen to them and can help them make it through their grief. Since he’s almost risked his whole career and future at PPTH, House keeps monitoring his cases to intervene should he get “sad again,” so that House can act before it comes to the worst. This shows how much difficulty Wilson has when it comes to seeing his own limits and stopping before he goes too far without realizing it. Which is also, imho, why at some point he does something drastic like throwing bottles against mirrors. It’s when that point is past. House is good at pushing Wilson until he snaps. What he says and does then, often gives him a glimpse into the Wilson behind the façade. Of course there’s still another Wilson hidden somewhere, a Wilson that rarely surfaces (completely), but I don’t think he deliberately suppresses that part of him, fearing to be rejected if anybody sees what he’s really like. In my opinion it’s something that happens automatically by now. If you’ve put your own needs on the hold all the time (and I suppose he already did that a lot in his childhood and youth due to his family situation), then you forget how to listen to your own feelings and needs to the point where you can’t access them anymore and they remain a mystery to you. A black hole.
As to the times we see Wilson do something selfish like spending Christmas with House instead of staying home with his wife: I really like the thought that he also did it for purely egoistical reasons because he enjoyed House’s company, the shared laughter and the knowledge that House makes it worth his while. But I also suppose he partly did it for House because he didn’t want him to spend that day all alone, putting House’s needs before the ones of his wife. House is the only person Wilson always returns to and can’t stop feeling protective of (Wilson acted like a big brother for House after his infarction, just like he was for Danny, he fell into the known and comfortable role of protector, provider, mediator and interpreter to the outside world. A role he never wants to fail again and is unable to drop).
I agree that at the hospital Wilson has to shift his behavior to fit many different people all the time-partly that’s what we all do at work, I think that's normal human behaviour-but Wilson just continues doing that at home, presently for just one person because he’s only living with House. If he lived in a larger apartment-sharing community, this would doubtlessly extend to the other people there as well. So it’s essentially the same behavior.
When he’s alone with himself, he seems lost. Yes, exactly! That’s because he can’t just rely on himself, he needs people around him, to communicate, to feel useful and to feel needed. I don’t think it’s all calculation on his part. (Then he’d have completely adapted himself to the needs of all the women he met at their speed dating to hit on them. He didn’t.) Wilson is generally good with people, he blends in everywhere, always presents an immaculate front, but that’s not because he’s intentionally playing people so that they’ll keep him around.
Finding the balance between placing his needs first from time to time before considering the needs of others and putting them first would be perfect. Normal. The way it should be in an equal relationship. But just like House Wilson is damaged and twisted by his family, by the parents that raised him, and like House he can't do anything about it, as it colors everything he feels, thinks and does. Unfortunately, we don’t know that many details about Wilson’s past and family. (A family he never talks about, never visits; we don't even know the names of them after six years! We've met Chase's father, Foremen's parents and brother. Cuddy's sister. Where are Wilson's relatives? He is obviously even more estranged to them than House and his parents.) Danny played an important part in his life and his psychological problems probably ruled the whole family life. It’s likely that their oldest brother already went his own way and that, therefore, Wilson took care of Danny, trying to relieve his mother, and took care of things while his father was at work and away (like all typical fathers). So Wilson probably did a lot of things that were necessary at that time, but not appropriate for a boy/teenager/young man. Either his parents silently expected him to act like that or they pressured him to it by playing the guilt card, by silently begging, accusing or maybe just crying. Brothers (and sisters) are affected in very specific, complicated ways if a sibling is diagnosed with schizophrenia. Wilson has not just lost his brother to mental illness (and I’m sure it didn’t come out of nowhere but developed over a long time) but perhaps also the support, attention and interest of his parents as well, because their whole time and energy was most likely consumed by the illness of their youngest son (who’s got a special status thanks to being the pet of the family on top of everything else). Consequently, Wilson was also under a lot of pressure to be the "perfect son," to not cause additional trouble and to succeed at everything he did without needing help or attention. Or praise. Maybe it was even expected of him to pretend everything was fine to the outside world to protect the (honor of the) family, so that Wilson had to keep up appearances and couldn't confide in anybody to share his own burden.
In all probability problems weren't openly discussed and solved together. And I reckon no one told Wilson that his own needs were also legitimate and deserved to be addressed, even though he was the "healthy" brother (something he might even have felt guilty about). So he denied his own emotions (typically behavior of siblings), felt bad and guilty for even thinking of adding to his parents’ burden by voicing his own problems. He became invisible-unless there was something that had to be done for Danny. Then he was a welcome aid and maybe received some much-craved attention since it made life for his parents easier. After a while, he started to define himself by helping/taking care of his younger brother-and later of others. His attraction to neediness is something he learned to emotionally survive a long time ago. And since that time he’s always been in danger of experiencing caregiver “burn-out” and has completely unlearned how to acknowledge/access his own wishes and needs. So his situation is indeed very much different from and more complex than the usual middle-son-dilemma; but, as I mentioned, it’s highly typical of dysfunctional families, especially when a sibling suffers from mental illness.
Wilson’s continued this pattern with House: He looks out for him, protects him, lies for him, keeps him safe…and he secretly admires House for saying and doing what he wants without considering other people’s needs/feelings/takes on things first. Which is something he simply cannot do, no matter how much he wants to at times. And he also believed Amber to be like that, to be “needy” when he met her right after House had fired her. Well, she wasn’t. She could take care of herself very well, which is why (I think) it wouldn’t have worked out for them at the end…
Hi there! It's definitely a strength of the series that it makes us think about the characters so much and keeps us engaged in such a compelling conversation, even if we don't agree on certain things.
Yes, I meant that fathers in Wilson's generation were usually more absent than present (though I doubt it's that different today).
Does Wilson suppress himself to get an "emotional connection" to others? Wilson doesn't have any other friends or closer acqaintances aside from House (and Cuddy at times). In most cases Wilson is there to help when he is needed, briefly fills a certain gap, but then people move on, just as it is typical of people in his line of work and other caring professions. Since he carefully avoids talking about his own problems/opening up to others (in front of patients it would be inappropriate, with Cuddy it's not necessarily welcome, with colleagues or people working for him it's difficult at best) and doesn't become vulnerable in front of anybody else aside from House, nobody can truly reach him. And nobody but House even knows him or sees his true complexity and depth. To achieve an emotional connection with another person, both people need to reveal their real personalities to a certain degree. Otherwise it won't work. At least not long-term. I'm sure Wilson knows about that, too, intellectually, but again he can't help being who he is. If he changed his behavior and trusted people more by showing his own needs and insecurities (provided that he is able to do so at will, something I doubt), there'd be the danger of being rejected, ignored and misunderstood (just as it used to be in his childhood and youth, probably). Besides, it's "dangerous" to allow others to gain such a deep insight into yourself, especially if you don't know them well enough to trust them with your feelings and secrets, which might be another issue for Wilson. (He needed *ages* to tell House about Danny...) I don't think Wilson gets much reciprocal affection back at the end. Patients are grateful, of course, which makes Wilson feel good because he was able to help. For... some precious moments. But that is enought because he doesn't expect to get anything back from them. After all, he wants to relieve them, not addionally burden them with even more problems and responsibilites (just like he pressumably did with his parents). Perphaps "affection" is something Wilson mainly seeks in sexual encounters. That's how he's able to experience closeness to others since women in love or at least interested in sex show an interest in "him."
When House's (step) father died, Wilson told House he's biologically programmed to love him. That remark is also quite telling when it comes to how Wilson regards himself and his relationship to his parents. It obviously means he can't help loving them, no matter how much they (supposedly) hurt him or whether the feeling is/was reciprocal or not. (Apparently, they aren't in touch with each other anymore, so they probably still blame him for losing Danny.)
What Wilson does when he falls into the self-assumed role of caregiver is reliving the whole situation with Danny (it reminds me of the way that women who were beaten as children often keep falling in love with violent men). So far House has been the only one to break with the familiar pattern of either just using Wilson without giving anything back (like countless other people) or refusing to allow him to take care of him (like Amber). So far House has been the only one with whom Wilson has been able to have a lasting relationship because he's found the right mixture of allowing Wilson to care but challenging him on that at the same time while also taking care of Wilson in his own way.
You asked where we see the difference between House and Amber. For one thing, House was emotionally detached and unreachable to a certain degree because of the Vicodin. But aside from that, House was merely honest, if sarcastic, when voicing his opinion about others, or he played pranks (like the little kid he is inside, parts of him never grew up due to the abuse) but not intentionally cruel because he followed his own agenda to have personal advantages by hurting/playing others.
Yes, I do think that if a person doesn't want another person to care for her/him, it means she/he doesn't truly want that person. Independent of their sexes/genders. (Hey, we are feminists over here!) Of course Amber wanted Wilson "for something else," but, as said before, he needs this mixture of being allowed to care and being taken care of at the same time so that a relationship works for him. Just the way I see it...Oh, and YES to the organ! :-)
Well, Amber and Wilson decide to buy a new mattress because of Wilson’s back, yes, but still she doesn’t leave him a real choice when they’re out to buy another one. While they’re testing a mattress, he says right away which one he prefers and she doesn’t acknowledge that but replies pointedly, “I like this one," asks the price and gets a huge discount thanks to a sob story she makes up. If she’d really wanted Wilson to make the decision (to offer him a permanent place in her bed and life, as you suppose), why didn't she leave him a real choice then? Instead, she practically finishes the deal, then leaves in a hurry and tells Wilson she’s fine with either one (yeah, that’s convincing). Well. Did she honestly expect him (we’re talking about Wilson here) to take the other one after all the effort she put into obtaining the firm mattress for a reduced prize?
Later she argues, “I left it up to you,” but contradicts herself right away, “You were supposed to get the one you wanted.” If she left it up to him, she should be fine with either decision.
When Wilson admits he wants to take care of her, she responds: “Have you met me? I can take care of me. I need you to take care of you.” But that’s not how relationships work for Wilson. Has she met him? (At the end, it’s left open which mattress they buy after returning the annoying waterbed. It might be just the oneWilson brought home first.)
It seems as if Amber doesn’t know Wilson that well yet, which isn’t surprising; they’ve not been together that long. We can’t even be sure that the persona Amber presents while being around Wilson is her real one…The way I see it, Wilson has never thought he’d be together with Amber permanently anyway. What he says to Cuddy is: “But... I'm happy. Can't I just enjoy what that feels like for a while?” For a while. Not forever.
To come back to the original point, I don’t think Wilson’s buying the organ for House is related to the whole mattress thing. House and Wilson already share certain things like the TV set and the orange sofa (later the other furniture Wilson bought). The episode wasn’t about getting something together, but showing House that Wilson truly wants him there and in his life by buying something *just* for him.
That’s why I don’t see Amber’s sleeping on the floor as a gesture equalling the purchase of the organ either. She awakens in bed alone and decides it’s nicer to sleep on the floor together (= egoistical reasons). Wilson bought the organ to make House happy. And he leaves to give him space to try it out and enjoy it. Not the same thing. However, I do see giving the organ to House as a quiet way of showing that Wilson only cares about him while disregarding purely material things (as Wilson always does).
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Of course there’s still another Wilson hidden somewhere, a Wilson that rarely surfaces (completely), but I don’t think he deliberately suppresses that part of him, fearing to be rejected if anybody sees what he’s really like. In my opinion it’s something that happens automatically by now. If you’ve put your own needs on the hold all the time (and I suppose he already did that a lot in his childhood and youth due to his family situation), then you forget how to listen to your own feelings and needs to the point where you can’t access them anymore and they remain a mystery to you. A black hole.
As to the times we see Wilson do something selfish like spending Christmas with House instead of staying home with his wife: I really like the thought that he also did it for purely egoistical reasons because he enjoyed House’s company, the shared laughter and the knowledge that House makes it worth his while. But I also suppose he partly did it for House because he didn’t want him to spend that day all alone, putting House’s needs before the ones of his wife. House is the only person Wilson always returns to and can’t stop feeling protective of (Wilson acted like a big brother for House after his infarction, just like he was for Danny, he fell into the known and comfortable role of protector, provider, mediator and interpreter to the outside world. A role he never wants to fail again and is unable to drop).
I agree that at the hospital Wilson has to shift his behavior to fit many different people all the time-partly that’s what we all do at work, I think that's normal human behaviour-but Wilson just continues doing that at home, presently for just one person because he’s only living with House. If he lived in a larger apartment-sharing community, this would doubtlessly extend to the other people there as well. So it’s essentially the same behavior.
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Finding the balance between placing his needs first from time to time before considering the needs of others and putting them first would be perfect. Normal. The way it should be in an equal relationship. But just like House Wilson is damaged and twisted by his family, by the parents that raised him, and like House he can't do anything about it, as it colors everything he feels, thinks and does.
Unfortunately, we don’t know that many details about Wilson’s past and family. (A family he never talks about, never visits; we don't even know the names of them after six years! We've met Chase's father, Foremen's parents and brother. Cuddy's sister. Where are Wilson's relatives? He is obviously even more estranged to them than House and his parents.)
Danny played an important part in his life and his psychological problems probably ruled the whole family life. It’s likely that their oldest brother already went his own way and that, therefore, Wilson took care of Danny, trying to relieve his mother, and took care of things while his father was at work and away (like all typical fathers). So Wilson probably did a lot of things that were necessary at that time, but not appropriate for a boy/teenager/young man. Either his parents silently expected him to act like that or they pressured him to it by playing the guilt card, by silently begging, accusing or maybe just crying.
Brothers (and sisters) are affected in very specific, complicated ways if a sibling is diagnosed with schizophrenia. Wilson has not just lost his brother to mental illness (and I’m sure it didn’t come out of nowhere but developed over a long time) but perhaps also the support, attention and interest of his parents as well, because their whole time and energy was most likely consumed by the illness of their youngest son (who’s got a special status thanks to being the pet of the family on top of everything else). Consequently, Wilson was also under a lot of pressure to be the "perfect son," to not cause additional trouble and to succeed at everything he did without needing help or attention. Or praise.
Maybe it was even expected of him to pretend everything was fine to the outside world to protect the (honor of the) family, so that Wilson had to keep up appearances and couldn't confide in anybody to share his own burden.
In all probability problems weren't openly discussed and solved together. And I reckon no one told Wilson that his own needs were also legitimate and deserved to be addressed, even though he was the "healthy" brother (something he might even have felt guilty about). So he denied his own emotions (typically behavior of siblings), felt bad and guilty for even thinking of adding to his parents’ burden by voicing his own problems. He became invisible-unless there was something that had to be done for Danny. Then he was a welcome aid and maybe received some much-craved attention since it made life for his parents easier. After a while, he started to define himself by helping/taking care of his younger brother-and later of others. His attraction to neediness is something he learned to emotionally survive a long time ago. And since that time he’s always been in danger of experiencing caregiver “burn-out” and has completely unlearned how to acknowledge/access his own wishes and needs. So his situation is indeed very much different from and more complex than the usual middle-son-dilemma; but, as I mentioned, it’s highly typical of dysfunctional families, especially when a sibling suffers from mental illness.
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And he also believed Amber to be like that, to be “needy” when he met her right after House had fired her. Well, she wasn’t. She could take care of herself very well, which is why (I think) it wouldn’t have worked out for them at the end…
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Yes, I meant that fathers in Wilson's generation were usually more absent than present (though I doubt it's that different today).
Does Wilson suppress himself to get an "emotional connection" to others? Wilson doesn't have any other friends or closer acqaintances aside from House (and Cuddy at times). In most cases Wilson is there to help when he is needed, briefly fills a certain gap, but then people move on, just as it is typical of people in his line of work and other caring professions.
Since he carefully avoids talking about his own problems/opening up to others (in front of patients it would be inappropriate, with Cuddy it's not necessarily welcome, with colleagues or people working for him it's difficult at best) and doesn't become vulnerable in front of anybody else aside from House, nobody can truly reach him. And nobody but House even knows him or sees his true complexity and depth. To achieve an emotional connection with another person, both people need to reveal their real personalities to a certain degree. Otherwise it won't work. At least not long-term. I'm sure Wilson knows about that, too, intellectually, but again he can't help being who he is. If he changed his behavior and trusted people more by showing his own needs and insecurities (provided that he is able to do so at will, something I doubt), there'd be the danger of being rejected, ignored and misunderstood (just as it used to be in his childhood and youth, probably). Besides, it's "dangerous" to allow others to gain such a deep insight into yourself, especially if you don't know them well enough to trust them with your feelings and secrets, which might be another issue for Wilson. (He needed *ages* to tell House about Danny...)
I don't think Wilson gets much reciprocal affection back at the end. Patients are grateful, of course, which makes Wilson feel good because he was able to help. For... some precious moments. But that is enought because he doesn't expect to get anything back from them. After all, he wants to relieve them, not addionally burden them with even more problems and responsibilites (just like he pressumably did with his parents).
Perphaps "affection" is something Wilson mainly seeks in sexual encounters. That's how he's able to experience closeness to others since women in love or at least interested in sex show an interest in "him."
When House's (step) father died, Wilson told House he's biologically programmed to love him. That remark is also quite telling when it comes to how Wilson regards himself and his relationship to his parents. It obviously means he can't help loving them, no matter how much they (supposedly) hurt him or whether the feeling is/was reciprocal or not. (Apparently, they aren't in touch with each other anymore, so they probably still blame him for losing Danny.)
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You asked where we see the difference between House and Amber. For one thing, House was emotionally detached and unreachable to a certain degree because of the Vicodin. But aside from that, House was merely honest, if sarcastic, when voicing his opinion about others, or he played pranks (like the little kid he is inside, parts of him never grew up due to the abuse) but not intentionally cruel because he followed his own agenda to have personal advantages by hurting/playing others.
Yes, I do think that if a person doesn't want another person to care for her/him, it means she/he doesn't truly want that person. Independent of their sexes/genders. (Hey, we are feminists over here!) Of course Amber wanted Wilson "for something else," but, as said before, he needs this mixture of being allowed to care and being taken care of at the same time so that a relationship works for him. Just the way I see it...Oh, and YES to the organ! :-)
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