fic: to paris, with regrets part one.
title: to paris, with regrets part one.
author: inflowers
summary: reid hates paris.
warnings/authors notes: reid/omc. but like, hello. it's me, i'm sure we can work out how this will end. it's just a bit too long to be a one-shot. working on the second (maybe third? depending how long it takes me to tell this story) part now. all mistakes etc are mine. inspired by this beautiful city and the feelings of intense loneliness that being alone in a city full of lovers can bring about.
Reid hates Paris.
Of course he does. It's beautiful and scenic and full of culture and history, everything that people love about it. So of course he hates it. He hates that his morning coffee costs so much, he hates that it's either freezing cold or too hot to move and he hate, hate, hates the tourists. His hate for tourists in fact is the one thing that makes him feel more like a Parisian than anything else.
When Luke went back to Noah and Reid left Oakdale for good, he hadn't intended to end up in France. He just wanted to be anywhere that he wasn't confronted with Luke's choice everyday. Just as he was in the process of moving back to Dallas, to the life he had before Luke Snyder effectively kidnapped him, the offer for a position in Paris came through. And Reid, who didn't have anything holding him back or asking him to stay, gladly took the opportunity to leave what he considered his failures in the United States. So without so much as a goodbye, save for the overly emotional breakdown Katie had upon hearing the news, Reid left Oakdale and America for the narrow streets and crowded trains of Paris.
“Yeah, can I get a latte.” Reid orders tiredly in English. On any other day he would have asked in French, but the three back to back surgeries and the mountain of files still sitting on his desk have him distracted and he doesn't have the concentration left in him to speak his second language, despite how fluent he's gotten in the last few years. Luckily, given that Paris is one of the tourist capitals of the world, the barista at Starbucks knows exactly what he's saying. It also helps that he's here every morning, rain hail or shine and always orders the same thing. He never orders the caramel anymore, it reminds him of something he's not sure he wants to remember.
Handing over the cash and moving to the end of the counter, his eyes are immediately drawn to the table in the corner. There's someone sitting with his back to Reid, but he's talking loudly in his phone in English and Reid had almost forgotten, in a sea of beautiful people, what it's like for his breath to be caught in his throat. He freezes to the spot, unsure if he should cut his losses and run or stand his ground, pretend to be not phased and walk out confidently whether Luke sees him or not.
But fate, as fate has done when it comes to Luke and Reid, decides for him when Luke knocks his coffee over and it spills out across the table and down onto his legs.
“Shit!” Luke swears loudly and uncharacteristically, and Reid finds himself flinching. Something about Luke's voice sounds different, like some of the velvet softness has slipped away in the years it's been since they've seen each other. It saddens Reid momentarily as he remembers what Luke used to sound like, honey and truth and everything that was good. But he doesn't have time to think too much of it, before Luke has whipped around and they're face to face like no time has passed between them.
“Reid?” He questions gently, studying the older mans face like he's not quite sure he believes it. “Is that you?”
“Luke.” Reid replies in answer, and he's embarrassed at how the name tumbles from his lips like desperation. “Are you okay?”
“What...Oh, you mean.” Luke stares down at his wet pants and shrugs. “Yeah, it wasn't that hot anymore. I've been sitting here for awhile. Just annoying.”
“I, uh... I live not far from here, if you want to get cleaned up.” Reid finds himself offering without even realising it. “I mean, I'm not sure what you've got planned for the rest of the day but if you don't have time to go back to your hotel you could...”
“You live here?” Luke interrupts Reid's rambling, just like he always seems to and Reid realises that Luke mustn't know and that maybe his request to Katie to ensure that no one find out had been heard and understood. He takes a second to miss her, in a way that he does every so often, because while Paris has been good to him it hasn't given him a friend quite like Katie.
“Uh, yeah. I've been here for a few years.” Reid mumbles, not making eye contact.
“Oh. I … I didn't know. I mean, you didn't say anything when you left so...”
“I wasn't planning on moving here.” Reid answers more defensively than he needs to, because he doesn't need to justify his life decisions to Luke. Not anymore, at least. Not since Luke chose Noah. “Anyway, I have a dryer and a pair of pants you can borrow if you want.”
“You don't need to work?”
“I just got off.” Reid replies and the blush that creeps across Luke's cheeks doesn't go unnoticed at his choice of words. “I prefer the night shift in Winter. At least at night it's supposed to be cold, and I can sleep away the most of the day.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. It gets cold in Oakdale but even I can't adjust to this weather...”
“Yeah.” Reid agrees softly, and picks at the coffee he'd picked up from the counter. “So anyway, the offer is there...”
“That would be really great, actually.” Luke laughs, looking down at his wet pants again. “I'm supposed to have a meeting later today and this is my last clean suit. And I don't really even know where my hotel is...”
“Okay, well...” Reid pauses, gesturing to Luke's paperwork and laptop still on the table behind them. “Do you want to grab that stuff and I'll meet you outside?”
“Sure.” Luke answers, turning his back giving Reid a moment to get himself together. The cold hits him like a subway train and he's grateful for the wake up, if only to snap him out of the haze that he's been in since he saw Luke sitting in his local Starbucks.
“Ready?” Luke asks, coming up behind him and smiling brightly at Reid for the first time.
“Sure. It's just a few blocks if you're fine to walk?”
“Yeah sure, I haven't quite worked out the metro here yet anyway.”
“How long have you been here?” Reid asks, in any attempt to keep the conversation moving.
“In Paris? Almost a week. Around this part of Europe, about three weeks. I was in Malta for most of the time, visiting family and working on some Grimaldi things. I'm here doing some things for Grandmother but doing some networking for Grimaldi in Paris as well.”
“How is the foundation?”
“Good. Everything is great, actually. We just got a large donation that we're going to put towards new camps for terminally ill kids and their parents so they can spend some time together, stress free you know? Or, as stress free as they can get I suppose.”
“That sounds like a good idea.” Reid replies quietly, still unsure how he got to be walking through the streets of Paris with the one man who has ever broken his heart.
“Thanks, it was mine. Noah always said it was stupid, that people wouldn't want to go on holidays when their kids were dying but I think if you strip it back it's just about wanting to remember the good things instead of remembering hospitals and tests and doctors... no offence.”
“None taken.” Reid pauses, trying to remind himself not to start his tirade about how stupid Noah is. “And you're right. It's a good idea.”
“Thanks. He... Noah, he just didn't get it.” Luke doesn't seem to notice the effect Noah's name is having on Reid and keeps talking. “He just hasn't spent a lot of time in hospitals so he wouldn't know.”
“Yeah.” Reid agrees, before stopping outside a green door with intricate iron grating. “Well, this is me.” Punching in the code to the door he tries to ignore the pit in his stomach, the butterflies that he wishes weren't still there after so many years.
“This seems like a nice street.” Luke comments offhandedly as Reid pushes open the door and lets him inside. “Do you like living here?”
“It's home. For now.” Reid comments, shrugging and directing Luke up the stairs to the second floor. Fishing the keys out of his pocket he nervously shoves them in the door and it swings open to reveal Reid's apartment. Tasteful in it's understatement.
“It's nice.” Luke says smiling, looking around and taking it in. “Doesn't look this big from the outside.”
“Yeah, Paris apartments always look tiny on the outside but you can pack quite a bit into them.” Reid throws his jacket and keys on the table, moving to turn the heater on to take the edge of the cold air. “Anyway, the bathroom is through that hallway and I'll grab you something to wear in the mean time while we put your pants in the dryer.”
While Reid moves to what Luke can only assume is his bedroom, he takes a second to look around the apartment. He's not sure how he knows, but he feels as though this is what Reid's house in Dallas looked like. Sleek modern lines, nothing that exists for no purpose. No decoration, just a few photo frames scattered along the only shelf not cluttered with books. Moving towards the bathroom, his eye catches on a few of the photos. The one of Reid on his graduation that Luke has already seen, one of what Luke assumes is Reid's parents, and one of Reid with someone Luke doesn't recognise. His stomach drops at the way they're wrapped around one another in the photo, Reid's arm draped across the back of the man's chair and his head bent in so close their foreheads are touching. Luke's unsure why it hits him like this, the idea that Reid has probably moved on and that there's probably someone else. But it hurts, deep inside his bones where he's sure he's over Reid. Or where he was sure.
“Here you go.” Reid comes back into the room, handing Luke a pair of sweatpants. “Sorry, I haven't done laundry in a few days so this is sort of all I have that's clean.”
“That's fine, really.” Luke answers gratefully, taking the pants and hoping that Reid didn't catch him staring at the photo. “Thanks.” He moves quickly to the bathroom and shuts the door behind him, leaning back against it to catch his breath.
“Jesus, get it together.” He mutters to himself, unaware that just outside the door Reid is whispering the same things to himself.
“Come on, Oliver. Pull yourself together. You're fine.”
Luke re-emerges with his pants in his hands a short time later, and Reid tries not to stare at the way his sweatpants cling to his body in all the right places. Because they're practically strangers now, and strangers don't think those kinds of things about one another.
He moves to grab the pants from Luke at the same time that Luke moves to give them to him, and they collide in a semi-embrace that sends shocks through both of them, not that either of them would admit it.
“Sorry.” Luke mumbles, his eyes casting sideways and not meeting Reid's.
“I'll take those.” Reid answers by way of reply and moves towards the makeshift laundry that exists in the closet in the hallway. He busies himself for longer than necessary with the dryer, trying to get a grip and find some way to talk to Luke for at least the next half hour while his pants dried.
“Uh, can I get you something to drink?” Reid asks coming back into the kitchen where he finds that Luke has taken a seat at his breakfast bar. “I really only have coffee or water...”
“Water is fine, thanks.” Luke replies, smiling again and Reid knows he's trying to lessen the tension. To give them a break from the awkwardness that they both know is coming. “So you've been here for a few years?”
“Since I left Oakdale, yeah.”
“Oh.” He pauses, unsure of what to say next. Whether to bring up what seems like the elephant in the room. “Why did you leave?” But he does it anyway, because he's Luke.
Reid stops in his tracks, putting the glass back down on the counter without filling it and turning slowly to face Luke.
“Really?” He asks evenly, like he's not quite sure how Luke could ever ask that. “How do you not know?”
“Well, I mean I know things were awkward but I never thought... I didn't think you'd leave altogether, you know? I thought you were settling in.” Luke speaks unsteadily, his eyes never meeting Reid's and scattering around the room as though gathering his thoughts.
“Luke, I only stayed in Oakdale because of you.”
“That's not true, you had the neurowing and...”
“I could have had the neurowing anywhere. Every hospital in North America would love to have me, and I'm not saying that to be arrogant, I'm stating it as fact. I stayed in Oakdale because you were in Oakdale.” Reid shrugs as he speaks, like it doesn't matter now anyway. Except that it does, it matters so much.
“Reid, I...”
“It's been years, Luke. Forget about it.” Reid gives him an out not only because he hates talking about feelings, but because he doesn't think he can hear it. He doesn't think he can hear why Luke had to go back to Noah because Noah was his one true love and they were made for each other.
“I'm sorry.” Luke says quietly, his head ducking and his eyes glazing over just slightly.
“Don't be. You did what you had to do.” But you could have done that before I started falling for you, he thinks bitterly to himself.
“I did what I thought I had to do.” Luke challenges, and it hangs in the space between them for so long that finally Reid has to look away.
“Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?”
“Obviously not to you.” Luke answers with a side of snark that Reid would be proud of if he weren't confused.
“What?”
“You've obviously moved on.” Luke gestures to the photo on the shelf behind him, sneering slightly though neither of them are sure why.
“You don't get to be annoyed by that, Mr Snyder.” Reid replies, his eyes narrowing in defiance. “You made your decision, and I live here now. I'm not going to apologise for having a life here.”
“You didn't have a life in Dallas.”
“You don't know anything about what I had in Dallas. Or before Dallas, when I lived in New York. Or before that, when I lived in San Francisco. Or before that, in Massachusetts. You don't know anything about me, just like I obviously don't know anything about you. What you and I had was fun and brief but clearly didn't mean anything.”
“You don't get to decide what meant something to me or didn't, Reid.”
“Luke, you chose Noah. That gives a pretty good indication of you being done with whatever we had going on. But it doesn't matter now.”
“What if it does?” Luke replies, his eyes snapping back up from where they'd been locked to the table and staring Reid down. “What if it does matter now?”
“It can't. It's too late.”
As if on cue, a key in the door startles them out of their conversation and Luke momentarily panics, like a child being caught doing something he shouldn't be doing. Which is exactly how he feels.
“Hey babe, I wasn't feeling well so I came ho-Oh!” Upon seeing Luke and Reid, the mystery key-holder who Luke assumes is Reid's boyfriend stops talking. “Sorry, I didn't know we had company.” He moves fluidly, like poetry Luke thinks to himself. Because Luke is a writer, even if he means he sometimes thinks in total cliches.
“Hey.” Reid mutters quietly. “This is Luke. Luke, this is Jamie.”
“Hey.” Jamie extends his hand in Luke's direction, smiling brightly and seemingly not jealous at all. “Are you a friend of Reid's from back home?”
“Yeah, I'm from Oakdale.” He waits patiently to see whether that registers something in Jamie, like maybe Reid had spoken about him or about Oakdale but no recognition crosses his eyes and Luke tries to ignore the disappointment.
“The small town.” Reid helps the conversation along and Jamie's eyes light up, registering the information.
“Oh! Yeah, sure. Of course.”
He's definitely good looking, Luke thinks. Good looking and American, judging by his accent. He's probably about 30, not quite as young as Luke but not quite as old as Reid. His square glasses frame his dark brown eyes and perfectly (naturally?) manicured eyebrows. He's pretty, Luke thinks. Pretty with a certain level of rugged handsomeness and judging by what Luke can see through his just-tight-enough button down shirt, a body to die for. Like he would expect Reid to settle for anything less.
“I didn't know your friend would be in town.” Jamie speaks to Reid, moving towards him and kissing his temple tenderly before moving him gently out of the way to get a glass from the cabinet.
“Yeah, I didn't know he was here. I met him in Starbucks. He spilled his coffee, so I'm drying his pants.”
“Sure.” Jamie replies easily, moving in to stand just a little too close to Reid. Close enough that it makes Luke's heart beat wildly in his chest in fits of jealousy and wanting that stream through his blood. “You here for long, Luke?”
“No, just a few more days. I'm just here for work.” He answers shakily, trying to catch his breath and trying not to cry, though he's not sure why he wants to. Because Reid is right, it's been years. And Luke hasn't been wanting Reid for the past three years, he's been moving on with his life. But having him right in front of him, seemingly so whole and stable, is the clarity he's been avoiding.
He wants this. And he doesn't want it with just anyone. He doesn't want it with Noah. He wants it with Reid.
“Have you had a chance to do much sight-seeing?” Luke wants to hate him, but he seems so nice that he can't bring himself to be rude. He's not even rude to people who are rude to him first.
“No, none really. I haven't been to Paris since I was a kid, so I was hoping this trip I'd have a little bit of time but tomorrow is my only day off.”
“You have tomorrow off don't you baby? You could take him to see some things.” Jamie speaks to the both of them, casually drinking from his glass and blissfully unaware of what he's offering. Luke wants to ask Reid if he minds the pet names. He wants to ask him if he minds that Jamie seems so nice. He wants to ask him why he didn't fight just a little bit harder for what could have been love. But he doesn't.
“It's okay, really. I don't mind going by myself.” Luke replies quickly, not wanting Reid to feel guilted into anything because he can only imagine how much he hates tourist destinations.
“Don't be silly.” Jamie smiles gently, wrapping an arm around Reid's waist. “It's so much more fun with someone. You don't mind do you, honey?”
“No, it's fine. We can do that.” Reid answers, clearly uncomfortable. “Are you okay? You said you weren't feeling well.” He turns his attention and brings a hand up to Jamie's forehead, holding it there for a minute. “What's wrong?”
“You're the brilliant doctor. Diagnose me.” He laughs lightly, looking back at Luke. “He's useful every so often.”
“I'm sure.” Luke smiles back forcefully, though Jamie doesn't seem to notice.
“Go lie down.” Reid instructs, pushing Jamie towards their bedroom.
“You'll be in soon?”
“Yeah.” Reid answers, purposely avoiding Luke's eye line.
“It was nice meeting you.” Luke says politely, shaking Jamie's hand once again. “I hope you're feeling better soon.”
“Thanks, Luke. It was nice meeting you too. Stop in again if you're ever in Paris, and I hope Reid's intense hatred for all things touristy doesn't ruin tomorrow for you. I find a swift slap up the back of the head keeps him in line, just as a tip.”
A glare from Reid and a soft chuckle from Luke sends him on his way, and leaves an uncomfortable silence in his wake. Reid moves to get Luke's now dry pants from the laundry and hands them back to him, all without speaking. It's only when Luke returns from the bathroom, Reid's sweatpants folded neatly and placed on the counter, that either of them speak.
“About tomorrow, you don't have to.” Luke picks gently at his shirt as he speaks, anything to avoid eye contact. “I'm fine getting around on my own.”
“You said you didn't understand the metro.”
“I can work it out. I'm not that stupid.”
“I didn't say you were.” Reid sighs heavily. “But I don't mind taking you around if you want. The offer is there.”
“Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have to do it.”
“When have I ever done something that I haven't wanted to do?” Reid replies, rolling his eyes. “It's fine, Luke. I'll meet you at the Starbucks tomorrow morning at eleven. Do you know how to get there from your hotel?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you know how to get to your meeting from here?” Reid asks, opening the door as Luke gathers his things.
“I'll grab a cab from downstairs.” He replies, breathing deeply and recomposing himself. “So I'll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” Reid answers, “See you then.”
The door shuts abruptly, and Luke walks slowly down the stairs and tries desperately not to think of Reid crawling into bed with someone else.