Cannonball
Title-Cannonball
Rating-G
Summary-Thoughts after losing someone
Characters- No names but can be read as Luke and Reid.
AN: Influenced by the lyrics of Damien Rice’s ‘cannonball.’ In my opinion this is the most beautiful song of all time and the lyrics are pure genius, but I’m slightly in love with this guy’s music so I may be bias. If you haven’t heard it I seriously recommend you listen to it, just because it’s so brilliant.
Click to viewI touch my lips softly as I throw my head back of the pillow. There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth but it’s fading everyday despite my desperate efforts to cling onto it. I don’t want to forget.
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. A part of me wishes that we had never met. Maybe then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so bad. Then I remember your beautiful smile and the way you looked at me with those eyes and it’s hard to regret having you in my life. This knowledge doesn’t stop me from hating you for leaving me though.
People tell me that in time it’ll get easier, that in time I’ll find my own way to move on. I nod politely in return and thank them sweetly for their concern. I still a little hard, you see, to say what’s going on inside my mind. How do you explain your thoughts to someone who cares so deeply about you when those very thoughts are part of the reason you lay awake weeping at night? How do speak of the thing that terrifies and hurts you more than anything else without ripping out your already irreparable soul?
There’s still a little bit of your ghost, your witness. I don’t know if you know it, but you’re haunting me. You invade my thoughts persistently and there’s no way for me escape. I’m not sure if I even want to anymore. If I do then you’ll really be gone; I’ll be truly alone.
In my mind I see your face. Some days it’s a little blurry and I have to try and grasp for it frantically to pull it back into focus. I want to see every line and curve, to remember the feel of your skin like silk under my trembling fingertips, to sob and grieve over the little bit of your face I haven’t kissed. Now I’ll never get the chance.
Sometimes I think about running away from myself. On those days I see your face seemingly crystal clear and you’re close, so close that everything else simply fazes out to nothing, worthless compared to the sight of you. But you’re never quite close enough. On those days I think about ending it just to pull you that final small eternity closer.
When you left you took away everything. If you wanted me to hit the ground hard and painfully like a stone attempting to fly then you succeeded. It may be your greatest success to date.
I could be the world champion of lying and faking now. I smile at people, flashing my dimples as I always did, or at least they don’t see the subtle changes. My lips quirk at a slightly different angle and the warmth never quite reaches my eyes. You see, it’s because my smile belongs to you. My heart belongs to you. I belong to you. I lie through my teeth about my feelings to everyone I should care about, but they all seem rather insignificant now, compared to you.
It’s ironic that this life is what’s slowly killing me inside, yet I’m forced to walk around in this cold empty shell of a body being tortured by my own dreams which lead me to a fantasy world where we have the life we always dreamed of, only to slap me in the face with reality when I wake up from my perfect nightmares. People may say that I’m selfish for being jealous of you, sweetheart, but I don’t care. You got release. I got to be the definition of the phrase ‘living-dead.’
I fell hard and fast for you, my love, much like a cannonball. It turned out to be the most painful thing I’ve ever done.
There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear. I think over our conversations, from the insignificant to the ones that are imprinted in my mind forever. I imagine the rise and fall of your voice to lull me to sleep at night. I get lost in our conversations on occasion, reliving the first time we met, the first time we kissed, the first time you whispered sweet nothings in my ear, saying things that no one else would ever here you say, things that are and always with be completely mine. I also remember the lasts. The last words you ever said to me echo round my skull threatening to rip me apart like a cold knife with a sharp blade. That’s something I want to forget. If I forget the lasts and hold on to the firsts then maybe this won’t be real. The first time you said those three words I was in pure bliss. I’ll never get that feeling again. There’s still a little bit of your words I long to hear. I long to hear those words one more time. I long to hear you voice one more time. I miss it. I miss you.
When I see you in my dreams you’re so close and so real that I can’t see anything else. I reach out to touch you and you dissolve. I wake up and I break.
I’m crashing like a flying stone.
I’m lying like only someone who’s so mad for another person can.
I’m dead in a way that only a living, breathing, walking, shattering person could be.
I fell hard and fast for you, my love, much like a cannonball. It turned out to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.
I muster up all the courage I still have in order to leave the house everyday and talk and walk and live. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and be greeted by an eternity of sleep; to never have to face the world again and talk. Talking is making me ache like nothing ever has before. I guess I’m still waiting for my courage to teach me to be shy.
When I fell I didn’t want to open up to my feelings. I didn’t want to scare you away. I only ended up wasting time. It was the worst decision of my life.
When we’d both fallen we both knew it’d be hard to lose each other. I never knew it would be like this. It would’ve always been too soon.
I’m falling in a different way now. I’m falling over my own feet, my vision blurred by tears and grief and you. But you’re not right; your eyes are the wrong shade of blue and a few of the hairs on your head are out of place. It’s not hard to fall this way when I know that I just don’t know you the way I should. I don’t know you enough. In the time we had I guess I didn’t have the chance. We never had the eternity I so selfishly needed. There couldn’t have been enough time.
In the time we had and with the important parts that I do know I have seen how perfect and irreplaceable you are. I was obsessed. I still am obsessed. Every crease on your face and every auburn hair curl on you head fed my addiction. You were my drug and you gave me the best highs imaginable, and for that I thank you. Now you’re gone you give me the most anguishing, distressing withdrawals which even the strongest metaphor couldn’t begin to describe, and for that I hate you.
I fell hard and fast for you, my love, much like a cannonball. It turned out to be the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.
I miss you.
I hate you.
I love you.