RETROGRADE (CHAPTER EIGHTEEN)
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I see the flash of blue and red, first on the wall in my room, the colours reflecting off the mirror, causing them to dance across the dull hospital wall’s of storm colour grey, it takes my attention away from the window momentarily and by the time I look back two police officers have this Julian guy pinned to the floor, I can’t hear what he’s saying but I can gather from his body language that he’s heavily protesting his innocence.
Officer Stevens and Doctor Oliver now appear, they’d been hiding themselves away, awaiting backup, Kyle says something to Noah then his hands are brought behind his back and he’s cuffed in hard, immovable metal.
I shiver as my eyes look over to Julian once again, this is the guy, who almost killed me, I should be angry, I should want to break this window with my bare hands if need be and run over to him, beat him, like he did to me, whilst he’s held to the floor, helpless, watch him bleed, watch him die slowly, painfully. But I don’t feel that, I’m not angry, maybe its shock, I don’t know, but all I feel is numb, devoid of emotion. I try to encourage the anger, I attempt to let it rise within me, but I can’t muster the strength and besides, what good will come of it, I can’t turn back the clocks and even if I could, if that magic was bestowed upon me, I wouldn’t go back for me, I’d do it for them.
I’d take a thousand of these beatings if I could go back and save them, warn them, I’d take this any day over the pain of losing them, physical pain I can cope with, I can face that, deal with it, but this isn’t physical it’s emotional, it’s a pain that can’t be healed with drugs.
Anyway, it would appear that Doctor Oliver has enough anger for the both of us, his fist is still clenched from when he left my room, I close my eyes as I see him lurch forward at Noah, but when I open them there’s no blood, no mark on his face, Reid stopped, just short, his clenched fist changes to a pointed finger, I breathe, I’d stopped for just a second and I’m pleased, violence shouldn’t be counter acted with violence, especially not with hands so smooth, so soft and which smell so good, hands that I want to lean into everytime they’re near me, but which I fear I may never get close to again.
I felt it, earlier, the distance from him, his eyes were far away, his standing at the window, although giving him a good vantage point of the couple in the car park, was him telling me that from now on there’ll be this line between us, he’s never stood so far away from me before, even after the kiss, I know he’ll use phrases like professional or ethical and I get that, but surely, when two people have such a strong connection, an instant spark, the miracle that it is, isn’t it a waste not to follow on those feelings, to see where it may lead. It’s obvious, however, that the decision is not mine to make, the doctor knows how I feel, I guess I’ll just bide my time.
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“You’re not worth it Mr Mayer” Reid stated, changing his hand stance from a clenched fist to a pointed finger.
“You want to though, don’t you, I can see it written all over your face?” Noah spat out in response to the doctor’s remark.
“You have no idea how much” Reid rested his hand down by his side, which was shaking slightly, he knew it would feel good to hit him, but only for a brief moment, the negatives of hitting Noah far outweighed the positives, Reid had rationalised, he knew it wasn’t worth it.
“Well come on then…..” Noah tilted his head to the side “No! You won’t do it, not because you feel it’s beneath you, but I bet because he’s watching isn’t he, you wouldn’t want to look bad in front of him.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Luke, he’s watching, isn’t he? Which is why you’re here, which is why you won’t hit me. On that first night we met you had no time for anyone, yet, here you are, chasing me down, for what, doesn’t this extend a little out of your duties as a doctor?”
“Let me just clarify a couple of points Mr Mayer, When we first met I had no time for you, not just anyone but mainly you in particular, which stemmed from the sole reason that I didn’t like you, I don’t like you now and there will never be a time in the rest of my days that I will ever like you. When I phoned you, you already knew something had happened to Luke, I could tell by the tone of your voice.”
“I was searching for him……..”
Reid ignored Noah’s comment “Secondly, I think you should be worrying a little bit less about my duties as a doctor right now and maybe more about how long a pretty boy like you is going to survive in prison.”
Noah stepped a little closer to Reid “And why exactly would I be going to prison, I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Reid smirked a little “I know you had a hand in this, somehow, but regardless of whether we can prove that, notice I said we, Mr Mayer, for I’m not letting this go, which by the way, does extend way past my duties as Luke’s doctor, but it’d be so worth it, they still have you on obstructing an investigation.”
“Excuse me” Noah called around him to Kyle, who was busy talking to the two other police officers “Hey! I’m talking to you.”
Kyle waited a few more moments before stepping around to confront Noah “What is it Mr Mayer?”
“What exactly am I being accused of here?”
“Were you not listening when I arrested you……..” Kyle responded “You’re being arrested on obstructing the course of justice and suspicion of attempted murder.”
Noah’s face went cold, in which time Reid decided to twist the knife just a little bit further “They have Julian on tape, strikes me as just a little bit too much of a coincidence that the person who assaulted Luke, just also happens to be your filthy lover.”
“I swear I had nothing to do with this, I’m innocent……” Noah began to squirm in his cuffs; his protest was cut short when Reid spoke over him.
“….until proven guilty, which believe me, the police will do, I can see it written all over your face, plus the fact that I know you are lying.” Reid shot a look to Kyle, who returned with a quizzical glance, stating, how do you know he is lying?
“And how would you possibly know that, you don’t know me!”
“I can always tell when you lie Mr Mayer…….your lips move……Kyle, get him away from my hospital and my patient, also, I think a restraining order is needed.”
Kyle smiled a little “I can’t make that stick Reid, not without evidence, you now that.”
Reid saw a small glint in Noah’s eyes, briefly, for his glint was dashed when Reid stated “Not for him, for me, keep me out of his orbit, restrain me, for everytime I see his guilty ridden face I just want to….” Reid’s fist clenched, no one spoke as they watched his knuckles turn white and his skin turn purple, then he looked to Kyle as he walked back towards the hospital “Keep me away from him!”
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When Reid returned to Luke’s room, he was no longer at the window, but sitting in a chair just next to I, he looked deflated, beaten, not just in the physical sense, for he still showed the scars and bruises on his face, arms and legs, but he now also looked emotionally deflated and that was the first time Reid had witnessed that, Luke was normally so full of optimism and determination.
“Hey!” Reid remarked as he entered, he didn’t know what else to say.
Luke looked up at the doctor then back down to his lap, where his hands were playing with each other nervously “Give my your honest answer Doctor……….do you think I’m an idiot, for letting Noah play me so well?”
Reid sat onto Luke’s bed, reaching an arm out onto the covers he lent on it slightly; he shook his head “Yes! But then I think all people in love are idiots Luke, don’t be too hard on yourself, you were going through a tough time, you turned to the person you loved, who should’ve supported you and he exploited your love, your money, but………who hasn’t been there?”
Luke quickly looked up at Reid, tearing his eyes away from his nervous fingers for a while “Come off it, he did more than that, I could cope with that, but…………it’s more isn’t it? You know it, I can tell, he had something to do with this, didn’t he…….?
“It would look that way, yes…” Reid stated
“Thank you!” Luke replied
“What for!”
“For being honest with me, I know it’s something you struggle with.”
“Hey” Reid retorted “I do honesty”
“Yeah! When it comes down to medicine, you’re the most honest person I know, but not when emotions are involved, when it comes down to the important parts, you don’t know how to deal, you flake and you run………………..” Luke removed his eyes from Reid’s and returned them back to his lap “What will happen now?”
“With…….”
“With Noah, what will happen to him now?”
Reid removed himself from the bed and kneeled down next to Luke’s chair; taking his thumb to Luke’s chin he lifted his head “I need to make this clear from the start Luke, so there’s no misunderstanding. No more Noah, this is about you from now on, OK, for us to beat this…..”
Luke blinked “You said us……..you’re going to do the surgery?”
“As if there was any doubt Luke, as I said before this needs the best, and I am it, but I can’t stress how difficult this is going to be, you’ll be frustrated, these….scientists are, well they’re….”
“Like you………..” Luke finished Reid’s sentence
“No, worse, it’s not so much them but the corporations they work for Luke, they don’t care about you, they want to create little pills that will make them money, they don’t want to see the person with the illness that pill will cure, they have no time for that, they’re not doctors, they’re businessmen, just remember that.” Reid was still kneeling; his ankles were beginning to shake.
“Well it’s a good job that I have you to………….” Luke stopped, he saw Reid’s face drop to the floor and the watched as Reid took out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, he dropped the paper into Luke’s lap “What’s this?”
“It’s a drug that’s being researched in Chicago, I saved the article on it when I read it a few months ago, with a bit of fine tuning and a lot of investment…… this is your drug Luke, your way in.”
“My drug, my way in……..? What about the word “us” you used not more than five minutes ago?”
“I can’t leave here Luke; I have a long waiting list of patients who need me….”
“…..I need you!” Luke shouted, not loud, but he screeched, his voice sounded broken, he reached his hand out to Reid’s, who quickly took his away and stood to his feet, Luke followed suit, standing in front of the doctor and looking at him with eyes full of fear.
“Luke…………I can’t go to Chicago!”
“Well, I’ll do it all from here, I can do it from here, I have a phone, I presume they have a phone?”
Reid shook his head “It needs a physical presence Luke, trust me.” Reid reached his hand out to Luke’s and held it tightly “Can you do that, can you trust me?” Reid’s eyes darted across Luke’s scanning them, reading the detail. “I’ll do everything I can from here to help, but I can’t leave.”
“How………how long do you think it will take, for the drug to be ready?”
“Six months, maybe more, maybe less, I’ll sign your release forms for three days away from today, that way I can get your prescriptions sorted out and we can discuss pain relief for the headaches, we don’t want to rush this part, I need to know that you are going to be OK out there.”
“Without you……” Luke smiled, a nervous smile, it definitely wasn’t a happy one “It’s funny, I’ve lived twenty two years of my life without you, but after just knowing you for a little over a week, the thought of doing this without you is quite terrifying”
“That’s just because right now you think I’m all you have, once you get back out there into the big wide world Luke, you’ll remember that there’s more to life then what’s within these four walls………I’ll check up on you later.” Reid went to move, he tried to release his hand from Luke’s but the grip got tighter.
“It’s not that………..it’s you, it’s because of how I feel….”
Reid held up his hand “You promised we wouldn’t go there Luke.”
“So why did you just hold my hand, why did you cup my chin with your fingers, if you were trying to keep your distance?”
“I was just trying to offer some comfort, isn’t that what doctors are supposed to do?” Reid’s hand was getting sweaty, still trapped in Luke’s.
“Yes! But not you, not when you made it quite clear that there needed to be a line between us, either there is or there isn’t doctor, you need to decide, because it’s not fair, I want you……and not because I think you are all that I have, but because you are all that I want.”
Luke released his grip from the Reid’s hand, their faces mere inches apart, Reid gulped, taking a step backwards “You’re right!” Luke smiled, walking a step forward and closing the gap, then his face fell well Reid continued “No! You’re right on me not making it fair, I made my decision and we need to keep this professional, it’s not ethical” Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing, the bells sounded in Luke’s head, there were those two words he’d been waiting for “For me to be able to help you Luke, we can’t do this, I need to remain focussed.”
“Are you saying that I distract you?”
“Yeah!” Reid replied, taking a couple of sideways steps, heading to the door, he opened it and when he looked at Luke just before he exited he muttered softly “Something like that!”
I see the flash of blue and red, first on the wall in my room, the colours reflecting off the mirror, causing them to dance across the dull hospital wall’s of storm colour grey, it takes my attention away from the window momentarily and by the time I look back two police officers have this Julian guy pinned to the floor, I can’t hear what he’s saying but I can gather from his body language that he’s heavily protesting his innocence.
Officer Stevens and Doctor Oliver now appear, they’d been hiding themselves away, awaiting backup, Kyle says something to Noah then his hands are brought behind his back and he’s cuffed in hard, immovable metal.
I shiver as my eyes look over to Julian once again, this is the guy, who almost killed me, I should be angry, I should want to break this window with my bare hands if need be and run over to him, beat him, like he did to me, whilst he’s held to the floor, helpless, watch him bleed, watch him die slowly, painfully. But I don’t feel that, I’m not angry, maybe its shock, I don’t know, but all I feel is numb, devoid of emotion. I try to encourage the anger, I attempt to let it rise within me, but I can’t muster the strength and besides, what good will come of it, I can’t turn back the clocks and even if I could, if that magic was bestowed upon me, I wouldn’t go back for me, I’d do it for them.
I’d take a thousand of these beatings if I could go back and save them, warn them, I’d take this any day over the pain of losing them, physical pain I can cope with, I can face that, deal with it, but this isn’t physical it’s emotional, it’s a pain that can’t be healed with drugs.
Anyway, it would appear that Doctor Oliver has enough anger for the both of us, his fist is still clenched from when he left my room, I close my eyes as I see him lurch forward at Noah, but when I open them there’s no blood, no mark on his face, Reid stopped, just short, his clenched fist changes to a pointed finger, I breathe, I’d stopped for just a second and I’m pleased, violence shouldn’t be counter acted with violence, especially not with hands so smooth, so soft and which smell so good, hands that I want to lean into everytime they’re near me, but which I fear I may never get close to again.
I felt it, earlier, the distance from him, his eyes were far away, his standing at the window, although giving him a good vantage point of the couple in the car park, was him telling me that from now on there’ll be this line between us, he’s never stood so far away from me before, even after the kiss, I know he’ll use phrases like professional or ethical and I get that, but surely, when two people have such a strong connection, an instant spark, the miracle that it is, isn’t it a waste not to follow on those feelings, to see where it may lead. It’s obvious, however, that the decision is not mine to make, the doctor knows how I feel, I guess I’ll just bide my time.
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“You’re not worth it Mr Mayer” Reid stated, changing his hand stance from a clenched fist to a pointed finger.
“You want to though, don’t you, I can see it written all over your face?” Noah spat out in response to the doctor’s remark.
“You have no idea how much” Reid rested his hand down by his side, which was shaking slightly, he knew it would feel good to hit him, but only for a brief moment, the negatives of hitting Noah far outweighed the positives, Reid had rationalised, he knew it wasn’t worth it.
“Well come on then…..” Noah tilted his head to the side “No! You won’t do it, not because you feel it’s beneath you, but I bet because he’s watching isn’t he, you wouldn’t want to look bad in front of him.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Luke, he’s watching, isn’t he? Which is why you’re here, which is why you won’t hit me. On that first night we met you had no time for anyone, yet, here you are, chasing me down, for what, doesn’t this extend a little out of your duties as a doctor?”
“Let me just clarify a couple of points Mr Mayer, When we first met I had no time for you, not just anyone but mainly you in particular, which stemmed from the sole reason that I didn’t like you, I don’t like you now and there will never be a time in the rest of my days that I will ever like you. When I phoned you, you already knew something had happened to Luke, I could tell by the tone of your voice.”
“I was searching for him……..”
Reid ignored Noah’s comment “Secondly, I think you should be worrying a little bit less about my duties as a doctor right now and maybe more about how long a pretty boy like you is going to survive in prison.”
Noah stepped a little closer to Reid “And why exactly would I be going to prison, I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Reid smirked a little “I know you had a hand in this, somehow, but regardless of whether we can prove that, notice I said we, Mr Mayer, for I’m not letting this go, which by the way, does extend way past my duties as Luke’s doctor, but it’d be so worth it, they still have you on obstructing an investigation.”
“Excuse me” Noah called around him to Kyle, who was busy talking to the two other police officers “Hey! I’m talking to you.”
Kyle waited a few more moments before stepping around to confront Noah “What is it Mr Mayer?”
“What exactly am I being accused of here?”
“Were you not listening when I arrested you……..” Kyle responded “You’re being arrested on obstructing the course of justice and suspicion of attempted murder.”
Noah’s face went cold, in which time Reid decided to twist the knife just a little bit further “They have Julian on tape, strikes me as just a little bit too much of a coincidence that the person who assaulted Luke, just also happens to be your filthy lover.”
“I swear I had nothing to do with this, I’m innocent……” Noah began to squirm in his cuffs; his protest was cut short when Reid spoke over him.
“….until proven guilty, which believe me, the police will do, I can see it written all over your face, plus the fact that I know you are lying.” Reid shot a look to Kyle, who returned with a quizzical glance, stating, how do you know he is lying?
“And how would you possibly know that, you don’t know me!”
“I can always tell when you lie Mr Mayer…….your lips move……Kyle, get him away from my hospital and my patient, also, I think a restraining order is needed.”
Kyle smiled a little “I can’t make that stick Reid, not without evidence, you now that.”
Reid saw a small glint in Noah’s eyes, briefly, for his glint was dashed when Reid stated “Not for him, for me, keep me out of his orbit, restrain me, for everytime I see his guilty ridden face I just want to….” Reid’s fist clenched, no one spoke as they watched his knuckles turn white and his skin turn purple, then he looked to Kyle as he walked back towards the hospital “Keep me away from him!”
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When Reid returned to Luke’s room, he was no longer at the window, but sitting in a chair just next to I, he looked deflated, beaten, not just in the physical sense, for he still showed the scars and bruises on his face, arms and legs, but he now also looked emotionally deflated and that was the first time Reid had witnessed that, Luke was normally so full of optimism and determination.
“Hey!” Reid remarked as he entered, he didn’t know what else to say.
Luke looked up at the doctor then back down to his lap, where his hands were playing with each other nervously “Give my your honest answer Doctor……….do you think I’m an idiot, for letting Noah play me so well?”
Reid sat onto Luke’s bed, reaching an arm out onto the covers he lent on it slightly; he shook his head “Yes! But then I think all people in love are idiots Luke, don’t be too hard on yourself, you were going through a tough time, you turned to the person you loved, who should’ve supported you and he exploited your love, your money, but………who hasn’t been there?”
Luke quickly looked up at Reid, tearing his eyes away from his nervous fingers for a while “Come off it, he did more than that, I could cope with that, but…………it’s more isn’t it? You know it, I can tell, he had something to do with this, didn’t he…….?
“It would look that way, yes…” Reid stated
“Thank you!” Luke replied
“What for!”
“For being honest with me, I know it’s something you struggle with.”
“Hey” Reid retorted “I do honesty”
“Yeah! When it comes down to medicine, you’re the most honest person I know, but not when emotions are involved, when it comes down to the important parts, you don’t know how to deal, you flake and you run………………..” Luke removed his eyes from Reid’s and returned them back to his lap “What will happen now?”
“With…….”
“With Noah, what will happen to him now?”
Reid removed himself from the bed and kneeled down next to Luke’s chair; taking his thumb to Luke’s chin he lifted his head “I need to make this clear from the start Luke, so there’s no misunderstanding. No more Noah, this is about you from now on, OK, for us to beat this…..”
Luke blinked “You said us……..you’re going to do the surgery?”
“As if there was any doubt Luke, as I said before this needs the best, and I am it, but I can’t stress how difficult this is going to be, you’ll be frustrated, these….scientists are, well they’re….”
“Like you………..” Luke finished Reid’s sentence
“No, worse, it’s not so much them but the corporations they work for Luke, they don’t care about you, they want to create little pills that will make them money, they don’t want to see the person with the illness that pill will cure, they have no time for that, they’re not doctors, they’re businessmen, just remember that.” Reid was still kneeling; his ankles were beginning to shake.
“Well it’s a good job that I have you to………….” Luke stopped, he saw Reid’s face drop to the floor and the watched as Reid took out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, he dropped the paper into Luke’s lap “What’s this?”
“It’s a drug that’s being researched in Chicago, I saved the article on it when I read it a few months ago, with a bit of fine tuning and a lot of investment…… this is your drug Luke, your way in.”
“My drug, my way in……..? What about the word “us” you used not more than five minutes ago?”
“I can’t leave here Luke; I have a long waiting list of patients who need me….”
“…..I need you!” Luke shouted, not loud, but he screeched, his voice sounded broken, he reached his hand out to Reid’s, who quickly took his away and stood to his feet, Luke followed suit, standing in front of the doctor and looking at him with eyes full of fear.
“Luke…………I can’t go to Chicago!”
“Well, I’ll do it all from here, I can do it from here, I have a phone, I presume they have a phone?”
Reid shook his head “It needs a physical presence Luke, trust me.” Reid reached his hand out to Luke’s and held it tightly “Can you do that, can you trust me?” Reid’s eyes darted across Luke’s scanning them, reading the detail. “I’ll do everything I can from here to help, but I can’t leave.”
“How………how long do you think it will take, for the drug to be ready?”
“Six months, maybe more, maybe less, I’ll sign your release forms for three days away from today, that way I can get your prescriptions sorted out and we can discuss pain relief for the headaches, we don’t want to rush this part, I need to know that you are going to be OK out there.”
“Without you……” Luke smiled, a nervous smile, it definitely wasn’t a happy one “It’s funny, I’ve lived twenty two years of my life without you, but after just knowing you for a little over a week, the thought of doing this without you is quite terrifying”
“That’s just because right now you think I’m all you have, once you get back out there into the big wide world Luke, you’ll remember that there’s more to life then what’s within these four walls………I’ll check up on you later.” Reid went to move, he tried to release his hand from Luke’s but the grip got tighter.
“It’s not that………..it’s you, it’s because of how I feel….”
Reid held up his hand “You promised we wouldn’t go there Luke.”
“So why did you just hold my hand, why did you cup my chin with your fingers, if you were trying to keep your distance?”
“I was just trying to offer some comfort, isn’t that what doctors are supposed to do?” Reid’s hand was getting sweaty, still trapped in Luke’s.
“Yes! But not you, not when you made it quite clear that there needed to be a line between us, either there is or there isn’t doctor, you need to decide, because it’s not fair, I want you……and not because I think you are all that I have, but because you are all that I want.”
Luke released his grip from the Reid’s hand, their faces mere inches apart, Reid gulped, taking a step backwards “You’re right!” Luke smiled, walking a step forward and closing the gap, then his face fell well Reid continued “No! You’re right on me not making it fair, I made my decision and we need to keep this professional, it’s not ethical” Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing, the bells sounded in Luke’s head, there were those two words he’d been waiting for “For me to be able to help you Luke, we can’t do this, I need to remain focussed.”
“Are you saying that I distract you?”
“Yeah!” Reid replied, taking a couple of sideways steps, heading to the door, he opened it and when he looked at Luke just before he exited he muttered softly “Something like that!”