End of a road
I am so very tired of never being good enough.
Year in, year out, decade in, decade out, more and more impossible situations, more and more "just a little bit more"s. I need more Jesus, I need more discipline, I need to show more respect; I need more perseverance, I need more humility, I need to swallow whatever bullshit you're dishing out this week so I can obey you better.
I can do so much. I can speak multiple languages; I can discuss maths and science and philosophy; I can draw and write and paint and play multiple musical instruments; I can cook. I can explain points of history, politics, sociology, religion and spirituality; I have an I.Q. of 173 and, in terms of linear computational ability, can outthink pretty much everyone I've ever met; I don't have a completely eidetic memory, but I can remember details of my own life stretching back to *before my own birth*. I like to think, also, that while I can be kind of an asshole, I'm not actively evil; I generally have people's best interests at heart, and try to treat people with at least an approximation of respect, even if I don't like them or agree with them personally. And it's still never enough, no matter how much I try and expand my own horizons, because I don't and can't live up to the endlessly expanding list of demands people make of me so that I can serve their whims, their agendas.
So fuck 'em. If you literally can't win, then there's no reason to try. I gave it everything I had, and it turned out the one thing I really needed was to grow the balls to tell them where to shove their pathetic, condescending, conditional approval. Fuck 'em.
D.F.
Year in, year out, decade in, decade out, more and more impossible situations, more and more "just a little bit more"s. I need more Jesus, I need more discipline, I need to show more respect; I need more perseverance, I need more humility, I need to swallow whatever bullshit you're dishing out this week so I can obey you better.
I can do so much. I can speak multiple languages; I can discuss maths and science and philosophy; I can draw and write and paint and play multiple musical instruments; I can cook. I can explain points of history, politics, sociology, religion and spirituality; I have an I.Q. of 173 and, in terms of linear computational ability, can outthink pretty much everyone I've ever met; I don't have a completely eidetic memory, but I can remember details of my own life stretching back to *before my own birth*. I like to think, also, that while I can be kind of an asshole, I'm not actively evil; I generally have people's best interests at heart, and try to treat people with at least an approximation of respect, even if I don't like them or agree with them personally. And it's still never enough, no matter how much I try and expand my own horizons, because I don't and can't live up to the endlessly expanding list of demands people make of me so that I can serve their whims, their agendas.
So fuck 'em. If you literally can't win, then there's no reason to try. I gave it everything I had, and it turned out the one thing I really needed was to grow the balls to tell them where to shove their pathetic, condescending, conditional approval. Fuck 'em.
D.F.