It's Sunday!
I feel like there is so much inside of me right now.
Break has been very good. I could really use another 2 days, but that's not a surprise. Let's do one of those long lists of stuff!
Here are some notes for me for later:
I've been going on very long walks everyday around my neighborhood and that has been very therapeutic for me. Of course it's good to get outside and good to get exercise, but there is something about this place that I have lived that is tied very deeply to how I understand the world and what my values are.
1. You know that place that everyone has inside of their heads, the one they see when they just close their eyes and daydream? Much of my personal thoughtscape is rooted in the images I've been seeing my entire life talking countless walks around this place. It's in the hills and the horses and the big fields with wooded edges and the creeks that find their way into tiny ponds. There are so many nooks that hide special places that might be good secret spots for faeries and for smooches. It's fantastical, romantic, lush, epic and familiar.
2. There is a distinctive culture here. Everyone here is into privacy: we don't do streetlights or paved sidewalks, we hide our houses behind hills or trees or big landscaping. We like it quiet and we like it natural, so we like big lots, even if our houses aren't always so big, but we build them in whatever architectural style we want. It's not about showing up or showing off - it's about everyone holding on to their little piece of happiness and being content and feeling lucky with what we have. I don't really know the people in my neighborhood, but you can tell everyone feels this way. They all feel the same as me.
3. This all makes my heart resonate.
4. This is like why it was hard for me to move. I still live in the same neighborhood of course and so those feelings weren't disturbed, but I probably had an even stronger psychic connection with the house I grew up in than with Foxcroft at large. Every exposed root, every clover patch, and every square inch of that house added up to some greater meaning that I can't explain. It's like I could touch a floorboard in that house and feel past, present and future all at the same time. To lose that was unthinkable at the time. It was like a death. Getting over that was a lesson in loss and letting go.
5. This is also why I love to travel. I can't say if Place is intrinsically important to me or if my family's traveling habits have instilled it in me, but I enjoy when I really sense how a new place feels. Public transportation is excellent for this. Temples and churches echo with their own stories. Languages and faces overlap and become texture. It's like every place has it's own frequency and while Home is important and means a lot to me, it doesn't mean that I don't fall in love with the tones of other places as well. Things that are different don't really bother me as long as they aren't hostile.
6. I am ready to break with this Home and look for a new one somewhere else. Maybe it will be down the street, maybe it will be on a distant shore.
This all sounds a bit melodramatic after rereading it, which is too bad because it's all really important. But, this is all very difficult to express because it's all just feelings that I can't really share with anyone. I have never really been able to explain it well, which is why I have always had a difficult time explaining why my move was so hard. But it dictates so many things about me. These things have nothing to do with my social interactions with other people - people have nothing to do with this at all. Walking down a certain street now and knowing that I felt the same way in my heart when I was five gives me faith in things. I don't know through what mechanism it works, but it keeps my world righted. Maybe in a few more walks I will have some new ideas about that.
I am making a list of other things that make me feel like this. Also a list of personal reoccuring symbols for later use. Anything I've dreamed about multiple times gets included, as does as many elements of my daydreams as I feel comfortable acknowledging.
I really love it when other people get really excited about something because I can't directly share these feelings with people, but personal passion is a very similar thing. I love to talk to the interested. I love the interested.
Break has been very good. I could really use another 2 days, but that's not a surprise. Let's do one of those long lists of stuff!
Here are some notes for me for later:
I've been going on very long walks everyday around my neighborhood and that has been very therapeutic for me. Of course it's good to get outside and good to get exercise, but there is something about this place that I have lived that is tied very deeply to how I understand the world and what my values are.
1. You know that place that everyone has inside of their heads, the one they see when they just close their eyes and daydream? Much of my personal thoughtscape is rooted in the images I've been seeing my entire life talking countless walks around this place. It's in the hills and the horses and the big fields with wooded edges and the creeks that find their way into tiny ponds. There are so many nooks that hide special places that might be good secret spots for faeries and for smooches. It's fantastical, romantic, lush, epic and familiar.
2. There is a distinctive culture here. Everyone here is into privacy: we don't do streetlights or paved sidewalks, we hide our houses behind hills or trees or big landscaping. We like it quiet and we like it natural, so we like big lots, even if our houses aren't always so big, but we build them in whatever architectural style we want. It's not about showing up or showing off - it's about everyone holding on to their little piece of happiness and being content and feeling lucky with what we have. I don't really know the people in my neighborhood, but you can tell everyone feels this way. They all feel the same as me.
3. This all makes my heart resonate.
4. This is like why it was hard for me to move. I still live in the same neighborhood of course and so those feelings weren't disturbed, but I probably had an even stronger psychic connection with the house I grew up in than with Foxcroft at large. Every exposed root, every clover patch, and every square inch of that house added up to some greater meaning that I can't explain. It's like I could touch a floorboard in that house and feel past, present and future all at the same time. To lose that was unthinkable at the time. It was like a death. Getting over that was a lesson in loss and letting go.
5. This is also why I love to travel. I can't say if Place is intrinsically important to me or if my family's traveling habits have instilled it in me, but I enjoy when I really sense how a new place feels. Public transportation is excellent for this. Temples and churches echo with their own stories. Languages and faces overlap and become texture. It's like every place has it's own frequency and while Home is important and means a lot to me, it doesn't mean that I don't fall in love with the tones of other places as well. Things that are different don't really bother me as long as they aren't hostile.
6. I am ready to break with this Home and look for a new one somewhere else. Maybe it will be down the street, maybe it will be on a distant shore.
This all sounds a bit melodramatic after rereading it, which is too bad because it's all really important. But, this is all very difficult to express because it's all just feelings that I can't really share with anyone. I have never really been able to explain it well, which is why I have always had a difficult time explaining why my move was so hard. But it dictates so many things about me. These things have nothing to do with my social interactions with other people - people have nothing to do with this at all. Walking down a certain street now and knowing that I felt the same way in my heart when I was five gives me faith in things. I don't know through what mechanism it works, but it keeps my world righted. Maybe in a few more walks I will have some new ideas about that.
I am making a list of other things that make me feel like this. Also a list of personal reoccuring symbols for later use. Anything I've dreamed about multiple times gets included, as does as many elements of my daydreams as I feel comfortable acknowledging.
I really love it when other people get really excited about something because I can't directly share these feelings with people, but personal passion is a very similar thing. I love to talk to the interested. I love the interested.