I think...

[luolian]

I think it is finally starting to sink in. Leigh sent me a webcast and I seriously watched it 3 or 4 times in a row and just seeing the scene started to make me understand. It is begining to become a reality for me. My whole self hurts, both physically and emotionally. Everyone here has been supportive,the most meaningful being my host aunt who is really fond of all of you guys, though she doesn't know you. I feel empty and angry... but I can still see her face, hear her voice in my head. I still have things she has given to me, the things that mean the most to me, that picture of me and her Lin and Siavash in 10th grade, that one letter she sent me when I was still at home that was literally the best letter I have ever gotten... the picture of us the only time we all got together and wore our coporate whore outfit... shit, I did a painting of her, didn't I? No, two. One her dad has, one I have. I am so glad I did those. But thinking about them makes me sick. And we need to get the video off her computer so those memories are not lost.

But you know what makes me the most sick? The last time I saw her was when I left 7 months ago. It wasn't a good bye, it was a see-you-later, wasn't it? We had plans. We had memories. We weren't done! I can still hear her...

And my thoughts go out to her family, of course. I love them a lot and I wish they didn't have to deal with this. I wish none of us did. I know that many of you will be waking up after a night of not sleeping well. I have that night ahead of me yet.

And I wish I had some faith to turn to. I can't just "find" it even at a time like this, but you know, it is so easy to picture her as an angel looking over my shoulder. She was a fucking angel.

She is an angel.