[235] "Stardust and the Harry Potter references", a parody
So I've been working on a "Stardust" (movie) parody (the movie itself is based on Neil Gaiman's book) ever since I saw it again on Monday *g*. The only other parody I've done is the " Goblet of Fire" movie one in this journal, but I really felt like doing a Stardust one even though it took me longer than I anticipated.
First of all,
Warnings:
b) It's a really random HP reference that relies on you to have memorized the books.
eta:
dobryj_fej has actually translated the entire parody into Russian! You can find it here: part 1 & part 2.
Stardust
{Totally pointless opening except for the cool quote about gazing at stars and being human}
Dunstan: Look, obviously it’s just a boring field out there, WHICH IS WHY I’M DYING TO CROSS THE WALL AND GET TO IT.
Ninja Guard: Nope, sorry, I don’t stand here 24/7 without food or shower to let you through.
Dunstan: I was wondering about the small. Good point, though. Well, I guess I’ll go.
Ninja Guard: Good night.
Dunstan: LOOK, FREE CHEESE SAMPLES!
Ninja Guard: Where, where? *is excited*
Dunstan: lol, lewser. *runs through the gap*
Audience: ..couldn’t he just wait for the guard to fall asleep, or climb all 5 feet of that wall a little further down?
--
{Dunstan wonders around the Magical Market full of wondrous things beyond imagination. But the only thing he’s apparently interested in is a pretty girl. Don’t they have some of those in the village? }
Sal: I hope you’re not planning to pay with a Discover card. Now buy something or get lost.
Una: Hi there strange man I know nothing about, wanna smooch? Here, I’m so desperate I’ll give you this Snowdrop in exchange.
{As they make out, Una realizes that she wants to take advantage of the situation and perhaps get pregnant with a son, who will in all likelihood get murdered by one of his loving uncles.}
Una: *tries not to sound corny* I’m a princess trapped as a slave, wanna ~liberate~ me? *fails*
Dunstan: *clueless* Whut?
Una: *eyeroll* Wanna do it?
Dunstan: *provides further support to the psychological studies saying men are likely to accept a sex offer from a stranger* Totally!
--
{9 months later Tristan comes knocking on Dunstan’s door by the way of the Ninja Guard, who has apparently left his post to deliver a baby and a brochure about safe sex.}
{18 years later.}
Me: Whossaloveabledork? Who?
Tristan: I am a loveable dork! :D
Me: Yesyouare!
Tristan: *beams and breaks Victoria ’s window*
Victoria : Oh it’s just u, dorky shopboy.
Tristan: It is! And I brought you flowers!
Humphrey: Ah, were those for Victoria then?
Tristan: Well they certainly aren’t for you.
Humphrey: Oh yeah, well I'm so manly I smash flowers.
Flowers: *ded*
Humphrey: And my pointy stick is bigger than yours.
Tristan: I don't have a stick. *looks for one on the ground*
Humphrey: Ahaha, even more amusing.
{Stickfighting ensues. Thristan is defeated in the Poking Battle of Doom}
Victoria : R u ok? I wouldn't feel right making out with Humphrey if he killed u or something.
--
{Next morning}
Dunstan: How did it go last night?
Tristan: Really, really, really well. Amazing. Great. Beyond expectations. Absolutely wonder--
Dunstan: Just get to work already.
--
{At the shop}
Victoria : Lines r for ugly people. Tristan, fetch me some eggs, flour, potatoes, a deer, 4 sheep, a turnip and that whale over there. And carry those home for me while I apparently don't pay u.
Tristan: Can I at least see you tonight?
Victoria : No. Now hurry up.
Tristan: *is so, so fired*
--
Dunstan: So you got fired.
Tristan: Yea, but anyway it doesn't matter, I'm not good enough for Victoria . I'm not handsome and rich like Humphrey.
Dunstan: Look, son, if there's one thing I learned from living in England all those years is that the Cedric Diggorys end up dead and the Draco Malfoys defeated with receding hairlines, while dorks like you go on quests and get it all.
Tristan: I have no idea what you just said, but I think I'll just try getting Victoria drunk.
Tristan: *succeeds with the magic of nighttime picnics and champagnes*
Victoria : Mm, I heart my life. And Humphrey's going all the way to the village next door to buy me a ring.
Tristan: Village next door? Victoria , for you I'd go as far as, like, London! Wait, a ring? Why?
Victoria : He's going to propose to me on my birthday, the moment I turn legal so he can safely make a post about it on his livejournal.
Tristan: But Victoria , he's not doing enough to prove his love! For you I'd break into Gringotts and bring you back your weight in gold!
Victoria : Hmm. *leans in*
Tristan: ..I'd fight dragons and bring you the treasures they guard..
Victoria : *about to kiss him* Tell me more!
Tristan: ..I'd break out of Azkaban and bring you a dementor's head!
Victoria : *revolted* A dementor's head?! Did u really think that would convince me to kiss you? And neway, Tristan, people like me and people like u don't get together. Ur the fanboy to my Jessica Simpson, the Ron to my Fleur, the..
{Meanwhile--}
Fate: Tristan Thorn, I'm going to fuck your shit up.
{And somewhere on the other side of the wall in the Coliseum!Castle the King is dying.}
King: Ah, my sons, I love you all but I really wish you had been better at the whole killing each other thing. Although Una is missing. Now, Septimus, didn't I teach you not to kill your sister?
Septimus: It wasn't me, I didn't do nothin'! Una's been missing for years, Father. She's probably dead or, y'know, in servitude or something. And being your daughter and my sister she is of course a princess, oh and she probably has dark hair like me, and I think she was wearing a blue dress- my favorite color- last time I saw her, oh and--
King: That's enough. Anyway, you four are making me be creative on my deathbed. Secundus, go to the window at tell me what you see.
Secundus: I see the whole of Stormhold. I can haz kingdum now, yesplz?
King: Dunno. Maybe the curtains?
Septimus: Oh hell no, these are my favorite curtains! *push*
King: LOLLOL, nothing like seeing one of your sons fall to his death.
Secundus: *ded*
Ghost!Secundus: *joins his dead brothers and is snarked at*
King: Oh, man, that was funny. Well, ok, I'm gonna throw the necklace with the royal ruby into the sky and the first man of royal blood to find it shall be the next King. Good night.
Necklace: *flies all the way into outer space but manages to not burn up or get damaged in any way, knocks off a star, and conveniently falls back into Stormhold*
Lamia : *sees the star fall* Jackpot! I knew my insomnia would come in handy. Wake up, sisters, a star has fallen!
Witch Sisters: Yay lets cut up some animals and be all Greek and shit.
Little Furry Animal: *ded*
Lamia : Ok, lets also use this to decide who gets to go after the star. And I promise I won't cheat, because I mean, cheaters never win. Especially in the long run, amirite?
Witch Sister: Uh.. right.
Lamia : *totally does not cheat* Jackpot, again! And this totally means I get to gobble down the remaining bits of the last star's heart.
Lamia : *must be really, really old because even after the heart she looks to be about 40. but it's a really good 40.* Sizzlin'!
Witch Sisters: Show-ff.
--
{Victoria and Tristan finally see the falling star as well.}
Victoria : Omigosh, that's real perdy.
Tristan: O rly? Prettier than, say, some stupid ring?
Victoria : What r u saying?
Tristan: For your hand in marriage, I'll cross the wall and get you that star.
Victoria : lolz, Tristan, nobody crosses teh wall. All males in Wall have chronic leg pain that prevents them from climbing more than 3 feet. Why else do u think that wall's so short? So yeah, I'll, liek, totally marry u if u cross the wall and bring me back the star.
Tristan: Lets drink to that!
Victoria : Mmkay, but u must return with it in a week's time for my birthday or I’m marrying that other guy.
Tristan: *does not realize how incredibly bitchy this is*
--
{At the wall}
Tristan: Please, pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?
Ninja Guard: No, one Thorn over the wall is enough. Now go home.
Tristan: What? Well, um, okay, bye.
Ninja Guard: Bye then.
Tristan: HEY LOOK, FREE MUFFIN SAMPLES!
Ninja Guard: I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE AGAIN! *NINJA YODA SKILLZ*
Tristan: Ow.
--
{In the crater}
Yvaine: Ow. Ouuch, my leg's broken. And now that I think about it, the lack of Healing classes in my Star Academy is a serious flow in the curriculum.
--
{Back at the Castle the three Princes and the Bishop are having a drink}
Bishop: Good luck to you all. But mostly to Primus
Everyone: *drinks*
Bishop: *ded*
Princes: *le gasp*
Seconds: *go by unnaturally slow*
Tertius: *not ded* Phew! ..Ocrap. *ded*
Septimus: Youuuu! *pretend!ded*
Primus: I think I hear angels singing. From this day forth I shall be the-
Septimus: *literally ROFLing* Most gullible idiot ever who drinks from the wrong cup.
Primus: DAMMIT!
Septimus: Oh c’mon, just look at how much more dashing, young and fashionable I am. Clearly I will outlive you so just be a good prince and stay at home while I find the stone.
--
{Meanwhile, Lamia gets all decked out in an outfit that would make Bellatrix jealous. And if not, then the supply of exquisite heart-cutting knifes would surely make her green with envy}
--
{Back at Tristan's home}
Dunstan: Who beat you up this time?
Tristan: The Guard.
Dunstan: I know I said all that stuff about dorks earlier to make you feel better, but Tristan that man is freaking ancient!
Tristan: Yea, well, he's a ninja.
Dunstan: Never mind that, why were you trying to cross the wall?
Tristan: A star fell and I was going to get it for Victoria .
Dunstan: So you decided to go all Gryffindor on me and run into unknown worlds in the middle of the night without any food supplies?
Tristan: …Yea pretty much, but I get it from you, don't I?
Dunstan: *busted*
{One explanation later}
Tristan: Wow, I have a mother. And there I always thought she died in a coach crash.
Dunstan: Here, she even left you a letter.
Tristan: And a really ugly candle that's supposed to make me think of her? Lets light it.
Candle: *ACTIVATED*
--
Yvaine: This day couldn't possibly get any worse.
Tristan: *Whooshes and falls on top of her* Mommy?
Yvaine: …The heck?
Tristan: Oh, sorry, I guess not. Hey, have you seen a fallen star?
Yvaine: Oh, very funny. Mock the poor girl who fell from her home, broke her leg, and got hit by a magical flying MORON!
Tristan: Look, I'm sorry, ok? I've never traveled by Portkey before. Wait, did you just-- You-star-WHA?
Yvaine: *eyeroll*
Tristan: Well, that slightly complicates the matters, but I think- and I apologize in advance- I can make this work. *binds Yvaine with the magical silver chain* You're going to be a birthday gift for my true love, Victoria!
Yvaine: Oh, yes, nothing says romance like bondage and a threesome. I'm not going anywhere.
--
{Somewhere}
Bernard: *is a tall, skinny ginger with blue eyes and shall henceforth be called “Ron”* C’mon, Mr. Goat, I’m taking you to the market.
Lamia : A galleon for your goat, boy.
“Ron”: *not as stupid as he looks* He’s too small to pull your carriage.
Lamia : Indeed. *magic fingers*
“Ron”: *is a goat* Hey, I hope you’re not Aberforth in disguise.
Lamia : Ugh, goats. What kind of a witch queen am I if I can’t even apparate?
--
Septimus: *does NOT enjoy long walks on the beach* Where have you led me, old man?
Old man: Just doing me job. Reading the runes.
Septimus: All right, lets test them. Am I the 7th son?
Old man: Uh, of course you are. It says “7” on all the buttons of your clothes, and there’s a 7 tattooed on your hand. You’re kinda obsessed with which son you are, actually… Can’t be healthy.
Septimus: SILENCE! Now answer me this: Am I wearing ladies’ underwear?
Old man: *throws the runes* …the runes say yes. If it was a “no” they’d be all blank, see…
Septimus: HOW DARE YOU! *stubbity* I shall use them myself.
Runes: *provide a really cool scene dissolve back to Lamia throwing stylish black runes that Septimus would kill for; probably literally*
Lamia : Let me make my sexy blow-up doll face. I can even smile with this expression :O!
--
{Back to the crater}
Yvaine: *ANGST. ANGST. ANGST*
Tristan: *MIGRAINE* Could you please let me sleep?
Yvaine: No, I’m not helping you. Just let me be!
Tristan: Be what? A girl with a broken leg in a crater? Look if you come with me I’ll let you use this Candle-thing to get back to the sky. Well, what do you say, pretty good eh? Eh?
Yvaine: Fine, I’ll do it, but I won’t like it.
{15 minutes of walking later}
Yvaine: *exhausted*
Tristan: No! Bad star! No resting.
Yvaine: My leg is broken you idiot, I can’t walk and it’s way past my bedtime.
Tristan: Fine. You sleep and I’ll go get food. *ties her to the tree* There.
Audience: Is it really a good idea to tie a defenseless girl to a tree in the middle of a wild forest?
--
{Meanwhile, Lamia gets hungry and decides to invite herself to another witch’s dinner. This happens to be Sal, Una’s mistress.}
Una: *is a pretty blue bird*
Audience: Wonder if she's an animagus or the witch just transfigured her.
Sal: So, my dear guest, now that you’ve eaten some of my dinner, care to share any important information?
Lamia : Mmm, I’m looking for a star that fell not far from here. Here, take the directions I printed off Google Maps.
Sal: Excellent, excellent.
Lamia : Waitaminute. Did you put veritaserum in my meal?
Sal: *g*
Lamia : D:< *is not amused* JUST FOR THAT, I WILL MAKE IT SO THAT YOU SHALL NEVER BE ABLE TO USE GOOGLE MAPS EVER AGAIN. OH AND, DETECT THE STAR IN ANY WAY.*
Sal: Noo, not google maps!!
Una: *heard it all*
--
{Back to Yvaine}
Yvaine: Hmm, I wonder if it's at all dangerous to be tied to a tree in the middle of a
forest.
Mysterious noises: *sound*
Yvaine: Um.. hello? Who's there?
Unicorn: You know who!
Yvaine: What?! But you AKed yourself, I saw it!
Unicorn: Dude, it's just me. Y'know, a unicorn, friend of the moon, etc.
Yvaine: Will you take me to the Candy Mountain , the land of sweets and joy and joyness?
Unicorn: No.
Yvaine: Oh. Well, lets at least ride as far as possible into the unknown, away from the guy who promised to get me back home.
Unicorn: And tied you up.
Yvaine: And tied me up.
--
{Middle of Nowhere, Stormhold}
Lamia : *via webcam* Help! It's like someone meddled with the language options of my runes!
Witch Sisters: Nothing that cutting up a crodocile won't solve!
Crocodile: *ded*
Witch Sisters: Okay, stay where you are 'cause she's coming straight to you. But lull her into a false sense of security first so her heart will be tastier. And prolong the actual cutting as long as possible in case someone shows up to rescue her. You know, standard dark witch or wizard protocol.
Lamia : Yeah, yeah. *webcam off*
Lamia : *to the goats* Time to play house.
“Ron”: *goes back to looking like himself then is changed into “Ginny” because Lamia always wanted a daughter. Or she just hates guys.*
Billy the Goat: *is now Mr. Weasley with a goatee*
Lamia : Ugh, ok, you’re my husband and this is our daughter, got it?
Me: Ha! “Mr. Weasley” is “Ginny”’s father! PERFECT!
“Mr. Weasley”: Baa.
“Ginny”: Bewbz!
--
Unicorn: Listen, Yvaine, it’s cold and you’ve got your long wet skirt all over my butt. Lets find an inn.
Yvaine: This one looks harmless enough.
Lamia : Oh, dear, come in, come in! There’s a warm bed with your name on it in here. [ And a knife, too.]
--
{Back to our hero, who upon discovering that Yvaine is missing didn’t follow her tracks or anything but decided to take a nap.}
Tristan: Zzzz.
Stars: Triiiistaaan, Triiiiistan.
Tristan: *snore*
Stars: WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT! When Lily Evans fell down from the heavens (that rhymes!) 400 years ago the evil witches tricked her and cut out her heart, and they’re about to do the same to Yvaine! Luckily there’s a coach heading your way so hurry up and get on it!
Tristan: *RUN*
Me: If all the stars know how dangerous it is for them down here, why doesn’t Yvaine?
Tristan: *crashes into the moving coach*
Primus: Oh man, did I just hit a deer?
Tristan: I need a ride, please take me with you?
Primus: No.
Tristan: Pretty please? Maybe fate sent us to each other’s aid.
Fate: Nope, just a coincidence. I was on my lunch break.
Primus: Fine.
--
Yvaine: *apparently doesn’t mind getting naked in front of strangers, even if they appear to be female* Baths are nice.
Lamia : Yes. Did you know they even heal broken bones?
Yvaine: Wow, that was just like magic!
Lamia : I have been told that I have magic fingers! Now why don’t you go lie down and I’ll give you a massage while my husband takes care of your horse.
Unicorn: Bitch, you did not just call me a horse!
“Ginny”: *helps Yvainne get out of the bath* Bewbz! ...Wait, does this mean I’m a lesbian or a transvestite?
Me: It means Lamia didn’t bother getting the testosterone out of your system. Hence the deep voice. Anyway.
Lamia : Now close your eyes, think happy thoughts, and thrust up your chest for me please.
Yvaine: Sorry?
{There is a knock downstairs}
Lamia : Darn, better get that. It’s not like I can magically seal the door and finish my job here.
{After Lamia leaves Yvaine decides to go downstairs and see what’s going on for herself. She finds Primus taking a bath.}
{It turns out that Primus’ vision is worse than that of his 6 dead brothers}
Primus: Blah blah blah..
Yvaine: Er.
Dead!Brothers: The stone!!
Primus: ..blah blah blah..
Yvaine: Er..
Dead!Brothers: THE STONE!!!
Primus: *points to some part of himself in the tub* ..biggest in all of Stormhold!
Audience: …Honestly, this movie has more innuendos than Deathly Hallows did.
Yvaine: I think this is the part where I slowly walk away.
Primus: Hey, waitaminute, what’s that thing around your neck?
Ghost!Brothers: D’OH!
--
{Meanwhile, Tristan is in the stables and about to drink poisoned wine}
Unicorn: CHARLIE TO THE RESCUE!
Tristan: Wow, thanks man.
Unicorn: I didn’t do it for you. The witch called me a horse!
--
{Back at the inn}
Primus: GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Tristan: *bursts in* IT’S A TRAP!
Lamia : Stop harassing my beauty treatment. *slice*
Primus: *ded*
Ghost!Primus: *naked* Well, fuck.
{Billy the goat and the Unicorn go to head to head combat (geddit? Head to head?)}
Billy the goat: *ded*
Lamia : *burns the unicorn and surrounds Tristan and Yvaine with green fire*
Slytherins: Why does green have to be the color of evil?
Tristan: Crap, crap, crap. Oh well, I guess I wasn’t really using this hand anyway. *thrusts hand and Candle into the flames* Think of home!
Tristan and Yvaine: *disappear*
Lamia : AAAAARGH! *stabs the wall*
Wall: *not ded*
--
{Tristan and Yvaine have ended up on an oddly solid cloud in the middle of a storm.}
Trstan: AAAH, THIS ISN’T HOME!
Yvaine: AAAH, THIS ISN’T HOME!
Tristan: You were supposed to think of MY home!
Yvaine: You just said “HOME”!
Tristan: Some crazy lady is about to cut your heart out and you want specific directions?
Yvaine: Some crazy lady is about to cut my heart out and you want me to carefully analyze what you told me to do and think about what you meant?
{They continue to go at it like Ron and Hermione}
Me: Hey, guys, maybe you should just be happy you got away?…
Net: I hope you enjoyed your freedom while it lasted.
Flying Pirates: What should we do with these two? Standing around in the sky like they own it!
Captain Shakespeare: The same thing we always do- throw them in the brig!
{In the brig}
{Tristan and Yvaine are no longer arguing }
Yvaine: This may sound crazy but I feel like I should thank you for saving me.
Tristan: :)
Yvaine: *holds Tristan’s hand*
Tristan: Eep, star cooties!
--
Lamia: News?
Witch!Sisters: The worst. She’s still up in the air somewhere.
Lamia: Grrrrrr. As soon as you learn something new, TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY, do you understand?
--
{Back to the brig where the Captain is interrogating our heroes}
Shakespeare: Tell me who you are.
Tristan: We’re, we’re just students on a study abroad program! This is my roommate-
Shakespeare: Yeah, you wish little boy. *raises voice* She’ll be everyone’s roommate now, if you know what I mean!
Tristan: If you-
Shakespeare: *raises voice some more* Don’t make me rip out your tongue and feed it back to you!
Tristan: Ew. Look, we’re just trying to get back to Oxford-
Shakespeare: Mock me with your talk of fictional schools, will you? You better hope you can fly little boy!
Crew: *listening* Omgomg he’s gonna do it! Hurry up so we can see!
Crew: *run up but only get to see a vague human shape flying off from the window* Oh man, we never get up here in time to see the looks on their faces.
{Suddenly the door bursts open and Shakespeare comes out dragging Yvaine with him}
People who’ve read the book: But… but… he’s supposed to be a nice guy!
Shakespeare: All right, nobody disturb us for the next couple of hours or you’ll get the same treatment.
Crewmember: *hopeful* What, really?
Shakespeare: That was so not what I meant.
--
{In the Captain’s quarters}
Tristan: *is magically here and supercute in his… underwear?”
Yvaine: Was my acting good, what did you think?
Shakespeare: It was marvelous, darling. Now lets get you all out of these dreadful clothes. But not in that way, hee!
Shakespeare: *is from this point on basically the best thing ever*
Shakespeare: So, tell me more about the world on the other side. I always dreamed of traveling there, of perhaps finding places where people like me aren’t afraid to be themselves.
Tristan: Er, I think maybe you should just try being yourself here.
Yvaine: Hypocrite.
--
{Magic texting}
Witch Sisters: Str heding N. Gnna stop @ mrktplc by lake.
Lamia: kthnx.
--
{Yvaine, Shakespeare and his Crew are at Ferdy’s Store, selling lightning}
Crew: Doesn’t the girl look a little too happy for someone who was supposedly raped after watching her friend fall to his death?
Shakespeare: …so that’ll be 200 with the sales tax. Thank you, accounting degree from Beauxbatons!
Crew: Bew-whats?
Shakespeare: Er, I mean Tough Pirate Academy! Arr!
{Back at the ship}
Tristan: *chillin’*
Me: Whosa- Who- Omfg, who is a totally mega hot guy? *has a thing for long hair*
Tristan: *smirk*
Crew: Arr, the Captain doesn’t like pretty boys like you tainting his ship’s masculinity!
Shakespeare: There, there, lads, he’s my nephew. Who is coincidentally going home to the same place that that other guy I threw out of the ship was. And I have the perfect gift for him! *throws Yvaine at him*
Tristan: *hug* Are you ok? You almost fell.
Crew: ….
Tristan: Um, Arr, my woman!
--
{Over the next couple of days the girl who supposedly watched her friend die, got raped, and then was given as a toy to some other guy spends her days grinning like an idiot and reenacting the happier parts of the Titanic movie}
Crew: Nothin’ weird, that’s how all the girls our Captain captures act like.
{Well, that explains a lot}
Shakespeare: Come on Yvaine, now that I’ve taught you to play the piano there’s only one more thing you need to know- the waltz!
Yvaine: You are being incredibly sexist for a guy who keeps a closet full of dresses. I mean, Tristan got to learn sword-fighting!
Shakespeare: He was worse at it than you are at dancing. I just couldn’t watch.
{As they waltz, Shakespeare decides to distract himself from Yvaine constantly stepping on his toes by making small-talk}
Shakespeare: So. You’re a star.
{Okay, maybe it was big-talk}
Shakespeare: But don’t worry, nobody on this ship will harm you. Well, I won’t harm you and the others are too stupid to figure out what you are for themselves. But all the same you really need to control your glowing. We’ve been running the AC 24/7.
Tristain: I’m so smooth these days I’ll just step right in and interrupt the Captain’s dance.
Yvaine: *raises the temperature by a couple hundred degrees*
Shakespeare: Ugh, it’s like freaking Los Angeles in here!
--
{Remember that Septimus guy? Well he finally found the body of his recently murdered brother}
Septimus: OMG, YAY, I WIN! HEE, I’M THE BEST!
His Men: *cough*
Septimus: *ahem* I mean, bow down to me for I am now your King! Or, well, until I find the stone, but I’m the only one of royal blood left so that’s not a biggie, amirite?
“Ron”: Must-attract-unwanted-attention-by-grabbing-scary-man’s-legs.
Septimus: *lets out a girly scream*
“Ron”: Aaah, don’t kill me! I’ll tell you all about the star, the witch, and the wardrobe stone.
Septimus: Do you have any idea what this means? King… forever!
“Ron”: *once again not as stupid as he looks* Or, well, until you run out of Star hearts. Have you considered Horcruxes? Much more reliable and the murder thing really won’t be a problem for you, I’m sensing.
Septimus: *wasn’t listening* LET’S RIDE!
--
{Magic texting again}
Witch Sisters: U g2g fstr, sum1 else nos bout str.
Lamia: !@$%
--
Shakespeare: Well, this is where I must let you charming people off. Wall isn’t far, just follow the path.
Crew: Wha?
Shakespeare: I said, get the hell off of my ship before I change my mind about selling you into slavery ! Arr! Oh, and, Tristan *whispers advice from “12 Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Stars: Adult Edition”*
Yvaine: What did he say?
Tristan: *red as a lobster* You’d slap me if I told you.
--
{Meanwhile Lamia is interrogating Ferdy and trying to find the ugliest hat-thing possible at the same time}
Ferdy: blahblahblahblahblah
Lamia: Shut up, you two-faced dog!
Ferdy: I can get you a 3-headed one. Very good guard-dog, tested by specialists at Hogwarts-
Lamia: *Voicicus Takeawayicus*
Ferdy: Kwaquaarg*
*Translation: Well, fuck.
--
{Back to our heroes}
Tristan: *sees a coach* Aha! *remembers: Fail-Safe Way #3: end up on top of her as often as possible but make sure you have a good excuse for it!*
Tristan: *jumps on top of Yvaine straight into the bushes* Um, this is for your own safety!
Yvaine: Hmm. Well while we’re here, what are your views on cutting out the heart of a star in order to achieve immortality?
Audience: Loaded question much?
Tristan: *thinks about it* Eternal life would be kind of lonely, wouldn’t it? Unless you had someone to share it with.
Women in the Audience: AWWWWWWWW *throw panties at the screen*
Men in the Audience: This is boring, when are they going to make out already?
Tristan: Well, better get going then.
Yvaine: Yes, dear Victoria’s birthday is in a day!
Tristan: Oh. Right. Idon’tcare.
--
{Now Septimus has found Ferdy}
Fate: Why, yes, Ferdy I kind of don’t like you.
Septimus: Cake or Death?
Ferdy: Quaaawk.
Fate: Really, REALLY don’t like you.
Septimus: I heard cake! *stabbity*
Ferdy: *ded*
{But Septimus is a cunning fellow and goes on to find Shakespeare’s ship}
Setpimus: Now remember everyone, Captain Shakespeare has a fearsome reputation. I hear he wrote this one play where like everyone dies at the end. There’s poison, murder, kings, and ghosts in it. Crazy shit.
{Meanwhile, in the Captain’s Quarters-}
Me: *watches Shakespeare dance along to the music and make the best facial expressions. Ever.* WHY DID I NEVER REALIZE HOW MUCH IN LOVE I AM WITH ROBERT DENIRO??
{Meanwhile Septimus’ men are getting their butts kicked by pirates while the prince himself goes off to find Shakespeare}
Shakespeare: Lalalala *dancedance* Lalala-
Septimus: WHAT. THE. FUCK? *looks around the walk-in closet* I NEVER KNEW such colorful clothes existed! Here I was stuck wearing those dreadful black clothes all the time. And I mean, it’s going to be summer soon! Do you have anything in blue?
Shakespeare: Uh... I gave the last blue dress to this girl-
Septimus: TELL ME WHERE SHE WENT IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU!
{Suddenly the crew bursts into the room}
Crew Member: Step away from my Captain! ARR!
Septimus: Self-preservation time. *graceful jump into the lake*
Judges #1- #9: *hold up a 10*
Judge #10: I dunno, it was more like a weak 9.
Septimus: Politics. That’s all these contests are. *kills Judge #10 anyway*
--
{Meanwhile it turns out that Yvaine is not familiar with sarcasm and flattery and is under the impression that Sal is a good friend of the Captain’s so they decide to ask her for a ride to Wall}
Tristan: It’s kind of putting me off that you’re working really hard to get us to Wall in time, Yvaine. If only there was some way I could find out how you feel about me
Audience: You mean other than the bit when she starts glowing the minute you get near her and how she stopped insulting you every 5 minutes?
Tristan: Excuse me-
Sal: That’s my flower! Give it back!
Tristan: Hey, my dad paid the full price for it fair and square!
Sal: Whatever, anything witch-made doesn’t rightfully pass into human ownership.
Tristan: How about we trade? Food, lodging and safe passage to Wall in exchange for this flower?
Sal: Deal. Sucker.
Sal: And now that I have this flower, which apparently was the only reason you survived so far, I shall turn you into a little furry animal. They’re so cute!
Yvaine: Hey, what’s the big idea! *tries to inflict various bodily harm onto Sal but is unsuccessful* Did you put a shield charm around yourself or something you great ugly smelly troll?
Sal: *oblivious*
Yvaine: Hey, you can’t see or hear me, can you? This is oddly convenient. Assuming I get my Tristan back just as he was!
{On the ride to Wall, Yvaine decides to confide her innermost feelings to a little furry creature with huge eyes. In other words, she’s a pretty typical female}
Yvaine: I have to check first though. Tristan, can you understand me?
Tristan: Nope. Feel free to spill it all.
Yvaine: Phew, good. So... *goes on to have an hour-long cheesy monologue about love in which she uses eyebrow-acting skills obtained from Emma Watson* In conclusion, after those 6 days with you I realize that you’re my true love.
Tristan: *eats cheese*
--
{Magical webcam time}
Witch Sisters: We found out that the star is heading to Wall.
Liam: Well, that’s just great because the moment she steps into human territory SHE WILL TURN INTO A PIECE OF ROCK.
Audience: Well, fuck.
--
{Meanwhile, Sal turns Tristan back into his adorable human self after which Yvaine drags him into the inn with a generally odd but exceptionally appropriate name, “The Slaughtered Prince”}
Audience: Wonder if it’s popular with the royal crowd.
{As Tristan sleeps, Yvaine decides to take a bath}
Audience: Wait, where did they even get money for a room?
{Uh… Well, you see.. quick, Tristan, distract them!}
Tristan: Pick-a-boo!
Yvaine: Eeek! A little privacy please.
Tristan: Don’t worry, I didn’t see anything while I was staring at you there for a whole minute.
Yvaine: Good. Well, you can look now that I’m in a wet towel clinging to me and about to fall off.
Tristan: *thinks* Fail-Safe Way#9: Talk to them about feeling when they’re wearing the least amount of clothing. Do you really love me?
Yvaine: EEEE, YOU HEARD! BUT-BUT-EEEE! *continues to act as if Hedwig just died a horrible death or something*
Tristan: Relax, I love you too.
Yvaine: Really?
Tristan: Really really. Wanna do it?
{Meanwhile, outside--}
Ghost!Tertius: *is watching our heroes make out because the internet wasn’t invented yet* Hey, guys, check this out.
Ghost!Brothers: No thanks, you pervert.
Ghost!Tertius: Vot is the point of being a gost if you aren’t going to spy on people?
--
{Next morning}
{While Yvaine is asleep, Tristan gets out a knife}
Audience: Omgwtfbbq??!
{Tristan cuts off some of her hair}
Audience: *slightly less wtfbbq-ing*
{Tristan goes downstairs}
Tristan: Hey, do you guys have some post-its or something?
Innkeeper: Those things are way overpriced. Just leave your message of vast significance with me while I’m still half-asleep, and make it as ambiguous as possible to create some confusion.
{Tristan leaves and goes to Wall in search of one miss Victoria}
Victoria: OMG, TrIstAn, What HaPPnD 2 U?
Tristan: I have become a grown man in this past week, Victoria. Hey, did you always talk like that?
Victoria: LiKE wHuT?
Tristan: …I guess I never noticed.
{Back at the inn}
Innkeeper: Your friend said that he’s off to look for Victoria because he’s found his true love. I’ll leave it to you to decide what he means, but I think you’d like to know that this isn’t the first time a guy has sneaked out of this inn after the girl finally put out.
Yvaine: Wait, what, how do you even know--?
Innkeeper: Just friendly with the local ghosts.
Yvaine: Well, this is somewhat hugely depressing. I think I’ll just go walk slowly towards Wall now. *does so*
Una: Stop! Stop! *DESPERATE MEASURES TIME*
--
Tristan: Well, I got the star.
Victoria: RLY?? WeRE iS It?
Tristan: Well, here, I brought you a piece.
Victoria: Y JUst a PiEce? WELl, WhaTEver, I WaNT U, u BiG HunKY mAN!
Tristan: As tempting as that sounds, I don’t really think playing house with you sounds like too much fun.
Victoria: I H8 U!!
Humphrey: *jaw-drop* Wow, Tristan when did you get so-uh, I mean, step away from Victoria or I’ll poke you again!
Tristan: *draws out sword* Whose is bigger now?
Humphrey: …
Tristan: Anyway, it’s all right, you can have the prom queen, Humphrey.
Victoria: U SUcK AnEwaYS, TAke uR IckY BlaCK STaRdusT WiTh u.
Tristan: Oh man, getting a brainwave and a panic attack at the same time is so not fun. *SPRINTS*
--
{In a really cool turn of events, Tristan, Yvaine, Una and Sal, Lamia and Septimus are all going, at various velocities, to the same location. It’s kind of interesting to realize that they have never been in one single scene together}
Me: I really, really hope they all get there at the same time and collide with awesome force.
{Sadly this doesn’t happen}
{Una is first to get there because it is in the nature of mother-in-laws to not pass up a chance to intervene}
Una: If you cross that wall, you will die!
Yvaine: Huh?
Lamia: *has just arrived* The girl looks suicidal, I say we assist her.
Sal: Either I drank too much last night, or there’s something going on here I’m not getting.
Lamia: You’re no threat at all but I’ll just go ahead and waste some magic and youth on killing you, shall I? *GREEN FIRE ATTACK!*
Me: Green fire to Lamia is like Expelliarmus to Harry.
Sal: *comically ded*
Una: Una is FREEE!
Lamia: *chains her and Yvaine* Hope you enjoyed that while it lasted. Now get in the carriage or follow in Hector’s footsteps.
Una: But we’re not dead and you’re hardly an Achilles-
Lamia: Just get in, dammit!
Yvaine: *whimper* This must be a Thursday.
{After they ride off Tristan finally arrives at the scene and starts interrogating the poor Ninja Guard}
Ninja Guard: Eeek, witches and magic and god knows what else, maybe even pirates, and everybody knows ninjas are scared of pirates so excuse me while I go and maybe get a life at age 97.
Tristan: Well, fuck. Guess I better check out the wreckage.
Tristan: *finds his flower* Awesome! Guess I don’t have to spend a single minute in Stormhold without it.
{Reunited with his flower, Tristan gets started on the whole rescue thing}
{5 hours pass}
Septimus: Behold, for I have arrived!
Crickets: ….
--
{Lamia arrives at her home with Yvaine and Una, whom she intends to keep as a slave}
Witch Sisters: Just in time, you look worse than Aunt Muriel, lolol!
Lamia: Ok, enough fun, get the star on to the dinner and/or sacrificial table.
{Outside, Tristan magically transports himself from the top of the freakishly tall cliff down to the Witches’ home. Septimus is also there, also magically}
Septimus: I’ve got a dagger and I’m not afraid to use it.
Tristan: Well, I’ve got one too and I actually am afraid to use it but you don’t know that.
Septimus: All right, lets work on this together.
Tristan: But I don’t know if I can trust you.
Septimus: Of course you don’t. I’m the Snape character of this story- dark, dangerous guy in black robes with a fondness for poison, y’know?
Me: Hmm, if Snape was more handsome, never met Lily, and a prince-WAITOMG. Snape IS a Prince. *dies laughing*
{Tristan and Septimus charge inside, where Septimus almost kills a sibling. Shocking, I know.}
Septimus: Sister?
The Slower Part of the Audience: *GASP!!!*
{One of the Witch Sisters attacks and finds out that Septimus is apparently fire-proof. He, however, manages to stab her}
Witch Sister #1: I’m not supposed to be this easy to kill! *ded*
{Finally it takes the Top Witch and some crazy voodoo to kill Septimus}
Septimus: That doll didn’t even look like me. *ded*
Me: That was the coolest death I have ever seen.
Ghost!Septimus: *joins his dead brothers*
Ghost!Primus: Well, at least you got a somewhat heroic death.
Ghost!Septimus: I think I’d’ve preferred a quick snakebite or something.
Witch Sister #2: I’ll take care of the boy.
Tristan: I’m not sure if I am capable of murder, but I think I’ll be cool with watching you get torn to death by a pack of wolfs. Yep, that sounds good.
Audience: What, she can’t magically defend herself from a couple of animals?…
{Apparently not.}
Witch Sister #3: *ded*
Lamia: I have to do everything myself around here! Or I could get that dead body to do it for me!
Ghost!Septimus: Dude, not cool, I never signed up to become an Inferi after death.
{As “Septimus” and Tristan battle, Tristan stabs him. A lot.}
Audience: OMG, Tristan, that’s your uncle’s dead body you’re killing!
{Not satisfied with this, Tristan crashes a chandelier on his poor dead uncle and swings up to the dinner and/or sacrificial table}
~Tristan Thorn, Tristan Thorn,
Does whatever Tristan Thorn does.
Can he swing, from a rope?
Yes he can, he’s not a pig!~
Crickets: … W.T.F. …
{Lamia corners Tristan and is about to chop his head off when she realizes that she’s too depressed about her sisters}
Audience: *almost actually falls for this despite every rule in the book saying not to*
Lamia: GO!
Tristan and Yvaine: …Ok.
Lamia: BWAHAHA, JK!
Audience: …why didn’t she kill Tristan when she had the chance?
Yvaine: Hold on, there’s this cool trick I can do. It was always a hit when it was dark and stuff.
Tristan: …Ok.
Yvaine: *SHINE*
Lamia: *DED*
Tristan: Couldn’t you do that, like, earlier? Before I got almost killed by the dead body of my uncle?
Yvaine: My batteries were charging, ok?
Una: Oh good job, you two! I was so proud as I watched from a safe distance!
Tristan: Hey, don’t forget your necklace Yvaine.
Una: That is no ordinary necklace, Tristan! You’re the last male heir of the royal line, and owning the necklace means you get to rule all of Stormhold.
The Slowest People in the Audience: *GAAAAAAAAAASP*!!!!
--
{And so Tristan and Yvaine ruled the kingdom and wore uncomfortable but regal clothes. And Una gave them a Babylon Candle (apparently it was she that stole the whole kingdom’s supply) as a present. And after many years on Earth they used it to live happily ever after in the sky as two stars. All was shiny.}
Scientists in the Audience: But those stars could be like, millions of light years away from each other.
Everyone else: *ignores* AWWWWWWW.
--
{Somewhere}
Unicorn: *wakes up* Gah, they took my freakin’ kidney!
[THE END]
Well, I hope you like it; I had fun writing it. And no telling me that I hate the movie, because I loved it a lot and spending so much time on a parody is a testament to that.
First of all,
Warnings:
- Mature language. Vague and Not-So-Vague Deathly Hallows spoilers though very few and mostly extremely hard to notice unless you've already read the book.
- I apologize if any of the scenes are out of order. I can't be trusted to remember the exact chronological sequence of scenes, especially when several things are happening at the same time.
- Also, if something just makes you go, "That made no sense and was not funny at all" it is because--
b) It's a really random HP reference that relies on you to have memorized the books.
eta:
dobryj_fej has actually translated the entire parody into Russian! You can find it here: part 1 & part 2.
Stardust
{Totally pointless opening except for the cool quote about gazing at stars and being human}
Dunstan: Look, obviously it’s just a boring field out there, WHICH IS WHY I’M DYING TO CROSS THE WALL AND GET TO IT.
Ninja Guard: Nope, sorry, I don’t stand here 24/7 without food or shower to let you through.
Dunstan: I was wondering about the small. Good point, though. Well, I guess I’ll go.
Ninja Guard: Good night.
Dunstan: LOOK, FREE CHEESE SAMPLES!
Ninja Guard: Where, where? *is excited*
Dunstan: lol, lewser. *runs through the gap*
Audience: ..couldn’t he just wait for the guard to fall asleep, or climb all 5 feet of that wall a little further down?
--
{Dunstan wonders around the Magical Market full of wondrous things beyond imagination. But the only thing he’s apparently interested in is a pretty girl. Don’t they have some of those in the village? }
Sal: I hope you’re not planning to pay with a Discover card. Now buy something or get lost.
Una: Hi there strange man I know nothing about, wanna smooch? Here, I’m so desperate I’ll give you this Snowdrop in exchange.
{As they make out, Una realizes that she wants to take advantage of the situation and perhaps get pregnant with a son, who will in all likelihood get murdered by one of his loving uncles.}
Una: *tries not to sound corny* I’m a princess trapped as a slave, wanna ~liberate~ me? *fails*
Dunstan: *clueless* Whut?
Una: *eyeroll* Wanna do it?
Dunstan: *provides further support to the psychological studies saying men are likely to accept a sex offer from a stranger* Totally!
--
{9 months later Tristan comes knocking on Dunstan’s door by the way of the Ninja Guard, who has apparently left his post to deliver a baby and a brochure about safe sex.}
{18 years later.}
Me: Whossaloveabledork? Who?
Tristan: I am a loveable dork! :D
Me: Yesyouare!
Tristan: *beams and breaks Victoria ’s window*
Victoria : Oh it’s just u, dorky shopboy.
Tristan: It is! And I brought you flowers!
Humphrey: Ah, were those for Victoria then?
Tristan: Well they certainly aren’t for you.
Humphrey: Oh yeah, well I'm so manly I smash flowers.
Flowers: *ded*
Humphrey: And my pointy stick is bigger than yours.
Tristan: I don't have a stick. *looks for one on the ground*
Humphrey: Ahaha, even more amusing.
{Stickfighting ensues. Thristan is defeated in the Poking Battle of Doom}
Victoria : R u ok? I wouldn't feel right making out with Humphrey if he killed u or something.
--
{Next morning}
Dunstan: How did it go last night?
Tristan: Really, really, really well. Amazing. Great. Beyond expectations. Absolutely wonder--
Dunstan: Just get to work already.
--
{At the shop}
Victoria : Lines r for ugly people. Tristan, fetch me some eggs, flour, potatoes, a deer, 4 sheep, a turnip and that whale over there. And carry those home for me while I apparently don't pay u.
Tristan: Can I at least see you tonight?
Victoria : No. Now hurry up.
Tristan: *is so, so fired*
--
Dunstan: So you got fired.
Tristan: Yea, but anyway it doesn't matter, I'm not good enough for Victoria . I'm not handsome and rich like Humphrey.
Dunstan: Look, son, if there's one thing I learned from living in England all those years is that the Cedric Diggorys end up dead and the Draco Malfoys defeated with receding hairlines, while dorks like you go on quests and get it all.
Tristan: I have no idea what you just said, but I think I'll just try getting Victoria drunk.
Tristan: *succeeds with the magic of nighttime picnics and champagnes*
Victoria : Mm, I heart my life. And Humphrey's going all the way to the village next door to buy me a ring.
Tristan: Village next door? Victoria , for you I'd go as far as, like, London! Wait, a ring? Why?
Victoria : He's going to propose to me on my birthday, the moment I turn legal so he can safely make a post about it on his livejournal.
Tristan: But Victoria , he's not doing enough to prove his love! For you I'd break into Gringotts and bring you back your weight in gold!
Victoria : Hmm. *leans in*
Tristan: ..I'd fight dragons and bring you the treasures they guard..
Victoria : *about to kiss him* Tell me more!
Tristan: ..I'd break out of Azkaban and bring you a dementor's head!
Victoria : *revolted* A dementor's head?! Did u really think that would convince me to kiss you? And neway, Tristan, people like me and people like u don't get together. Ur the fanboy to my Jessica Simpson, the Ron to my Fleur, the..
{Meanwhile--}
Fate: Tristan Thorn, I'm going to fuck your shit up.
{And somewhere on the other side of the wall in the Coliseum!Castle the King is dying.}
King: Ah, my sons, I love you all but I really wish you had been better at the whole killing each other thing. Although Una is missing. Now, Septimus, didn't I teach you not to kill your sister?
Septimus: It wasn't me, I didn't do nothin'! Una's been missing for years, Father. She's probably dead or, y'know, in servitude or something. And being your daughter and my sister she is of course a princess, oh and she probably has dark hair like me, and I think she was wearing a blue dress- my favorite color- last time I saw her, oh and--
King: That's enough. Anyway, you four are making me be creative on my deathbed. Secundus, go to the window at tell me what you see.
Secundus: I see the whole of Stormhold. I can haz kingdum now, yesplz?
King: Dunno. Maybe the curtains?
Septimus: Oh hell no, these are my favorite curtains! *push*
King: LOLLOL, nothing like seeing one of your sons fall to his death.
Secundus: *ded*
Ghost!Secundus: *joins his dead brothers and is snarked at*
King: Oh, man, that was funny. Well, ok, I'm gonna throw the necklace with the royal ruby into the sky and the first man of royal blood to find it shall be the next King. Good night.
Necklace: *flies all the way into outer space but manages to not burn up or get damaged in any way, knocks off a star, and conveniently falls back into Stormhold*
Lamia : *sees the star fall* Jackpot! I knew my insomnia would come in handy. Wake up, sisters, a star has fallen!
Witch Sisters: Yay lets cut up some animals and be all Greek and shit.
Little Furry Animal: *ded*
Lamia : Ok, lets also use this to decide who gets to go after the star. And I promise I won't cheat, because I mean, cheaters never win. Especially in the long run, amirite?
Witch Sister: Uh.. right.
Lamia : *totally does not cheat* Jackpot, again! And this totally means I get to gobble down the remaining bits of the last star's heart.
Lamia : *must be really, really old because even after the heart she looks to be about 40. but it's a really good 40.* Sizzlin'!
Witch Sisters: Show-ff.
--
{Victoria and Tristan finally see the falling star as well.}
Victoria : Omigosh, that's real perdy.
Tristan: O rly? Prettier than, say, some stupid ring?
Victoria : What r u saying?
Tristan: For your hand in marriage, I'll cross the wall and get you that star.
Victoria : lolz, Tristan, nobody crosses teh wall. All males in Wall have chronic leg pain that prevents them from climbing more than 3 feet. Why else do u think that wall's so short? So yeah, I'll, liek, totally marry u if u cross the wall and bring me back the star.
Tristan: Lets drink to that!
Victoria : Mmkay, but u must return with it in a week's time for my birthday or I’m marrying that other guy.
Tristan: *does not realize how incredibly bitchy this is*
--
{At the wall}
Tristan: Please, pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?
Ninja Guard: No, one Thorn over the wall is enough. Now go home.
Tristan: What? Well, um, okay, bye.
Ninja Guard: Bye then.
Tristan: HEY LOOK, FREE MUFFIN SAMPLES!
Ninja Guard: I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE AGAIN! *NINJA YODA SKILLZ*
Tristan: Ow.
--
{In the crater}
Yvaine: Ow. Ouuch, my leg's broken. And now that I think about it, the lack of Healing classes in my Star Academy is a serious flow in the curriculum.
--
{Back at the Castle the three Princes and the Bishop are having a drink}
Bishop: Good luck to you all. But mostly to Primus
Everyone: *drinks*
Bishop: *ded*
Princes: *le gasp*
Seconds: *go by unnaturally slow*
Tertius: *not ded* Phew! ..Ocrap. *ded*
Septimus: Youuuu! *pretend!ded*
Primus: I think I hear angels singing. From this day forth I shall be the-
Septimus: *literally ROFLing* Most gullible idiot ever who drinks from the wrong cup.
Primus: DAMMIT!
Septimus: Oh c’mon, just look at how much more dashing, young and fashionable I am. Clearly I will outlive you so just be a good prince and stay at home while I find the stone.
--
{Meanwhile, Lamia gets all decked out in an outfit that would make Bellatrix jealous. And if not, then the supply of exquisite heart-cutting knifes would surely make her green with envy}
--
{Back at Tristan's home}
Dunstan: Who beat you up this time?
Tristan: The Guard.
Dunstan: I know I said all that stuff about dorks earlier to make you feel better, but Tristan that man is freaking ancient!
Tristan: Yea, well, he's a ninja.
Dunstan: Never mind that, why were you trying to cross the wall?
Tristan: A star fell and I was going to get it for Victoria .
Dunstan: So you decided to go all Gryffindor on me and run into unknown worlds in the middle of the night without any food supplies?
Tristan: …Yea pretty much, but I get it from you, don't I?
Dunstan: *busted*
{One explanation later}
Tristan: Wow, I have a mother. And there I always thought she died in a coach crash.
Dunstan: Here, she even left you a letter.
Tristan: And a really ugly candle that's supposed to make me think of her? Lets light it.
Candle: *ACTIVATED*
--
Yvaine: This day couldn't possibly get any worse.
Tristan: *Whooshes and falls on top of her* Mommy?
Yvaine: …The heck?
Tristan: Oh, sorry, I guess not. Hey, have you seen a fallen star?
Yvaine: Oh, very funny. Mock the poor girl who fell from her home, broke her leg, and got hit by a magical flying MORON!
Tristan: Look, I'm sorry, ok? I've never traveled by Portkey before. Wait, did you just-- You-star-WHA?
Yvaine: *eyeroll*
Tristan: Well, that slightly complicates the matters, but I think- and I apologize in advance- I can make this work. *binds Yvaine with the magical silver chain* You're going to be a birthday gift for my true love, Victoria!
Yvaine: Oh, yes, nothing says romance like bondage and a threesome. I'm not going anywhere.
--
{Somewhere}
Bernard: *is a tall, skinny ginger with blue eyes and shall henceforth be called “Ron”* C’mon, Mr. Goat, I’m taking you to the market.
Lamia : A galleon for your goat, boy.
“Ron”: *not as stupid as he looks* He’s too small to pull your carriage.
Lamia : Indeed. *magic fingers*
“Ron”: *is a goat* Hey, I hope you’re not Aberforth in disguise.
Lamia : Ugh, goats. What kind of a witch queen am I if I can’t even apparate?
--
Septimus: *does NOT enjoy long walks on the beach* Where have you led me, old man?
Old man: Just doing me job. Reading the runes.
Septimus: All right, lets test them. Am I the 7th son?
Old man: Uh, of course you are. It says “7” on all the buttons of your clothes, and there’s a 7 tattooed on your hand. You’re kinda obsessed with which son you are, actually… Can’t be healthy.
Septimus: SILENCE! Now answer me this: Am I wearing ladies’ underwear?
Old man: *throws the runes* …the runes say yes. If it was a “no” they’d be all blank, see…
Septimus: HOW DARE YOU! *stubbity* I shall use them myself.
Runes: *provide a really cool scene dissolve back to Lamia throwing stylish black runes that Septimus would kill for; probably literally*
Lamia : Let me make my sexy blow-up doll face. I can even smile with this expression :O!
--
{Back to the crater}
Yvaine: *ANGST. ANGST. ANGST*
Tristan: *MIGRAINE* Could you please let me sleep?
Yvaine: No, I’m not helping you. Just let me be!
Tristan: Be what? A girl with a broken leg in a crater? Look if you come with me I’ll let you use this Candle-thing to get back to the sky. Well, what do you say, pretty good eh? Eh?
Yvaine: Fine, I’ll do it, but I won’t like it.
{15 minutes of walking later}
Yvaine: *exhausted*
Tristan: No! Bad star! No resting.
Yvaine: My leg is broken you idiot, I can’t walk and it’s way past my bedtime.
Tristan: Fine. You sleep and I’ll go get food. *ties her to the tree* There.
Audience: Is it really a good idea to tie a defenseless girl to a tree in the middle of a wild forest?
--
{Meanwhile, Lamia gets hungry and decides to invite herself to another witch’s dinner. This happens to be Sal, Una’s mistress.}
Una: *is a pretty blue bird*
Audience: Wonder if she's an animagus or the witch just transfigured her.
Sal: So, my dear guest, now that you’ve eaten some of my dinner, care to share any important information?
Lamia : Mmm, I’m looking for a star that fell not far from here. Here, take the directions I printed off Google Maps.
Sal: Excellent, excellent.
Lamia : Waitaminute. Did you put veritaserum in my meal?
Sal: *g*
Lamia : D:< *is not amused* JUST FOR THAT, I WILL MAKE IT SO THAT YOU SHALL NEVER BE ABLE TO USE GOOGLE MAPS EVER AGAIN. OH AND, DETECT THE STAR IN ANY WAY.*
Sal: Noo, not google maps!!
Una: *heard it all*
--
{Back to Yvaine}
Yvaine: Hmm, I wonder if it's at all dangerous to be tied to a tree in the middle of a
forest.
Mysterious noises: *sound*
Yvaine: Um.. hello? Who's there?
Unicorn: You know who!
Yvaine: What?! But you AKed yourself, I saw it!
Unicorn: Dude, it's just me. Y'know, a unicorn, friend of the moon, etc.
Yvaine: Will you take me to the Candy Mountain , the land of sweets and joy and joyness?
Unicorn: No.
Yvaine: Oh. Well, lets at least ride as far as possible into the unknown, away from the guy who promised to get me back home.
Unicorn: And tied you up.
Yvaine: And tied me up.
--
{Middle of Nowhere, Stormhold}
Lamia : *via webcam* Help! It's like someone meddled with the language options of my runes!
Witch Sisters: Nothing that cutting up a crodocile won't solve!
Crocodile: *ded*
Witch Sisters: Okay, stay where you are 'cause she's coming straight to you. But lull her into a false sense of security first so her heart will be tastier. And prolong the actual cutting as long as possible in case someone shows up to rescue her. You know, standard dark witch or wizard protocol.
Lamia : Yeah, yeah. *webcam off*
Lamia : *to the goats* Time to play house.
“Ron”: *goes back to looking like himself then is changed into “Ginny” because Lamia always wanted a daughter. Or she just hates guys.*
Billy the Goat: *is now Mr. Weasley with a goatee*
Lamia : Ugh, ok, you’re my husband and this is our daughter, got it?
Me: Ha! “Mr. Weasley” is “Ginny”’s father! PERFECT!
“Mr. Weasley”: Baa.
“Ginny”: Bewbz!
--
Unicorn: Listen, Yvaine, it’s cold and you’ve got your long wet skirt all over my butt. Lets find an inn.
Yvaine: This one looks harmless enough.
Lamia : Oh, dear, come in, come in! There’s a warm bed with your name on it in here. [ And a knife, too.]
--
{Back to our hero, who upon discovering that Yvaine is missing didn’t follow her tracks or anything but decided to take a nap.}
Tristan: Zzzz.
Stars: Triiiistaaan, Triiiiistan.
Tristan: *snore*
Stars: WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT! When Lily Evans fell down from the heavens (that rhymes!) 400 years ago the evil witches tricked her and cut out her heart, and they’re about to do the same to Yvaine! Luckily there’s a coach heading your way so hurry up and get on it!
Tristan: *RUN*
Me: If all the stars know how dangerous it is for them down here, why doesn’t Yvaine?
Tristan: *crashes into the moving coach*
Primus: Oh man, did I just hit a deer?
Tristan: I need a ride, please take me with you?
Primus: No.
Tristan: Pretty please? Maybe fate sent us to each other’s aid.
Fate: Nope, just a coincidence. I was on my lunch break.
Primus: Fine.
--
Yvaine: *apparently doesn’t mind getting naked in front of strangers, even if they appear to be female* Baths are nice.
Lamia : Yes. Did you know they even heal broken bones?
Yvaine: Wow, that was just like magic!
Lamia : I have been told that I have magic fingers! Now why don’t you go lie down and I’ll give you a massage while my husband takes care of your horse.
Unicorn: Bitch, you did not just call me a horse!
“Ginny”: *helps Yvainne get out of the bath* Bewbz! ...Wait, does this mean I’m a lesbian or a transvestite?
Me: It means Lamia didn’t bother getting the testosterone out of your system. Hence the deep voice. Anyway.
Lamia : Now close your eyes, think happy thoughts, and thrust up your chest for me please.
Yvaine: Sorry?
{There is a knock downstairs}
Lamia : Darn, better get that. It’s not like I can magically seal the door and finish my job here.
{After Lamia leaves Yvaine decides to go downstairs and see what’s going on for herself. She finds Primus taking a bath.}
{It turns out that Primus’ vision is worse than that of his 6 dead brothers}
Primus: Blah blah blah..
Yvaine: Er.
Dead!Brothers: The stone!!
Primus: ..blah blah blah..
Yvaine: Er..
Dead!Brothers: THE STONE!!!
Primus: *points to some part of himself in the tub* ..biggest in all of Stormhold!
Audience: …Honestly, this movie has more innuendos than Deathly Hallows did.
Yvaine: I think this is the part where I slowly walk away.
Primus: Hey, waitaminute, what’s that thing around your neck?
Ghost!Brothers: D’OH!
--
{Meanwhile, Tristan is in the stables and about to drink poisoned wine}
Unicorn: CHARLIE TO THE RESCUE!
Tristan: Wow, thanks man.
Unicorn: I didn’t do it for you. The witch called me a horse!
--
{Back at the inn}
Primus: GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Tristan: *bursts in* IT’S A TRAP!
Lamia : Stop harassing my beauty treatment. *slice*
Primus: *ded*
Ghost!Primus: *naked* Well, fuck.
{Billy the goat and the Unicorn go to head to head combat (geddit? Head to head?)}
Billy the goat: *ded*
Lamia : *burns the unicorn and surrounds Tristan and Yvaine with green fire*
Slytherins: Why does green have to be the color of evil?
Tristan: Crap, crap, crap. Oh well, I guess I wasn’t really using this hand anyway. *thrusts hand and Candle into the flames* Think of home!
Tristan and Yvaine: *disappear*
Lamia : AAAAARGH! *stabs the wall*
Wall: *not ded*
--
{Tristan and Yvaine have ended up on an oddly solid cloud in the middle of a storm.}
Trstan: AAAH, THIS ISN’T HOME!
Yvaine: AAAH, THIS ISN’T HOME!
Tristan: You were supposed to think of MY home!
Yvaine: You just said “HOME”!
Tristan: Some crazy lady is about to cut your heart out and you want specific directions?
Yvaine: Some crazy lady is about to cut my heart out and you want me to carefully analyze what you told me to do and think about what you meant?
{They continue to go at it like Ron and Hermione}
Me: Hey, guys, maybe you should just be happy you got away?…
Net: I hope you enjoyed your freedom while it lasted.
Flying Pirates: What should we do with these two? Standing around in the sky like they own it!
Captain Shakespeare: The same thing we always do- throw them in the brig!
{In the brig}
{Tristan and Yvaine are no longer arguing }
Yvaine: This may sound crazy but I feel like I should thank you for saving me.
Tristan: :)
Yvaine: *holds Tristan’s hand*
Tristan: Eep, star cooties!
--
Lamia: News?
Witch!Sisters: The worst. She’s still up in the air somewhere.
Lamia: Grrrrrr. As soon as you learn something new, TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY, do you understand?
--
{Back to the brig where the Captain is interrogating our heroes}
Shakespeare: Tell me who you are.
Tristan: We’re, we’re just students on a study abroad program! This is my roommate-
Shakespeare: Yeah, you wish little boy. *raises voice* She’ll be everyone’s roommate now, if you know what I mean!
Tristan: If you-
Shakespeare: *raises voice some more* Don’t make me rip out your tongue and feed it back to you!
Tristan: Ew. Look, we’re just trying to get back to Oxford-
Shakespeare: Mock me with your talk of fictional schools, will you? You better hope you can fly little boy!
Crew: *listening* Omgomg he’s gonna do it! Hurry up so we can see!
Crew: *run up but only get to see a vague human shape flying off from the window* Oh man, we never get up here in time to see the looks on their faces.
{Suddenly the door bursts open and Shakespeare comes out dragging Yvaine with him}
People who’ve read the book: But… but… he’s supposed to be a nice guy!
Shakespeare: All right, nobody disturb us for the next couple of hours or you’ll get the same treatment.
Crewmember: *hopeful* What, really?
Shakespeare: That was so not what I meant.
--
{In the Captain’s quarters}
Tristan: *is magically here and supercute in his… underwear?”
Yvaine: Was my acting good, what did you think?
Shakespeare: It was marvelous, darling. Now lets get you all out of these dreadful clothes. But not in that way, hee!
Shakespeare: *is from this point on basically the best thing ever*
Shakespeare: So, tell me more about the world on the other side. I always dreamed of traveling there, of perhaps finding places where people like me aren’t afraid to be themselves.
Tristan: Er, I think maybe you should just try being yourself here.
Yvaine: Hypocrite.
--
{Magic texting}
Witch Sisters: Str heding N. Gnna stop @ mrktplc by lake.
Lamia: kthnx.
--
{Yvaine, Shakespeare and his Crew are at Ferdy’s Store, selling lightning}
Crew: Doesn’t the girl look a little too happy for someone who was supposedly raped after watching her friend fall to his death?
Shakespeare: …so that’ll be 200 with the sales tax. Thank you, accounting degree from Beauxbatons!
Crew: Bew-whats?
Shakespeare: Er, I mean Tough Pirate Academy! Arr!
{Back at the ship}
Tristan: *chillin’*
Me: Whosa- Who- Omfg, who is a totally mega hot guy? *has a thing for long hair*
Tristan: *smirk*
Crew: Arr, the Captain doesn’t like pretty boys like you tainting his ship’s masculinity!
Shakespeare: There, there, lads, he’s my nephew. Who is coincidentally going home to the same place that that other guy I threw out of the ship was. And I have the perfect gift for him! *throws Yvaine at him*
Tristan: *hug* Are you ok? You almost fell.
Crew: ….
Tristan: Um, Arr, my woman!
--
{Over the next couple of days the girl who supposedly watched her friend die, got raped, and then was given as a toy to some other guy spends her days grinning like an idiot and reenacting the happier parts of the Titanic movie}
Crew: Nothin’ weird, that’s how all the girls our Captain captures act like.
{Well, that explains a lot}
Shakespeare: Come on Yvaine, now that I’ve taught you to play the piano there’s only one more thing you need to know- the waltz!
Yvaine: You are being incredibly sexist for a guy who keeps a closet full of dresses. I mean, Tristan got to learn sword-fighting!
Shakespeare: He was worse at it than you are at dancing. I just couldn’t watch.
{As they waltz, Shakespeare decides to distract himself from Yvaine constantly stepping on his toes by making small-talk}
Shakespeare: So. You’re a star.
{Okay, maybe it was big-talk}
Shakespeare: But don’t worry, nobody on this ship will harm you. Well, I won’t harm you and the others are too stupid to figure out what you are for themselves. But all the same you really need to control your glowing. We’ve been running the AC 24/7.
Tristain: I’m so smooth these days I’ll just step right in and interrupt the Captain’s dance.
Yvaine: *raises the temperature by a couple hundred degrees*
Shakespeare: Ugh, it’s like freaking Los Angeles in here!
--
{Remember that Septimus guy? Well he finally found the body of his recently murdered brother}
Septimus: OMG, YAY, I WIN! HEE, I’M THE BEST!
His Men: *cough*
Septimus: *ahem* I mean, bow down to me for I am now your King! Or, well, until I find the stone, but I’m the only one of royal blood left so that’s not a biggie, amirite?
“Ron”: Must-attract-unwanted-attention-by-grabbing-scary-man’s-legs.
Septimus: *lets out a girly scream*
“Ron”: Aaah, don’t kill me! I’ll tell you all about the star, the witch, and the wardrobe stone.
Septimus: Do you have any idea what this means? King… forever!
“Ron”: *once again not as stupid as he looks* Or, well, until you run out of Star hearts. Have you considered Horcruxes? Much more reliable and the murder thing really won’t be a problem for you, I’m sensing.
Septimus: *wasn’t listening* LET’S RIDE!
--
{Magic texting again}
Witch Sisters: U g2g fstr, sum1 else nos bout str.
Lamia: !@$%
--
Shakespeare: Well, this is where I must let you charming people off. Wall isn’t far, just follow the path.
Crew: Wha?
Shakespeare: I said, get the hell off of my ship before I change my mind about selling you into slavery ! Arr! Oh, and, Tristan *whispers advice from “12 Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Stars: Adult Edition”*
Yvaine: What did he say?
Tristan: *red as a lobster* You’d slap me if I told you.
--
{Meanwhile Lamia is interrogating Ferdy and trying to find the ugliest hat-thing possible at the same time}
Ferdy: blahblahblahblahblah
Lamia: Shut up, you two-faced dog!
Ferdy: I can get you a 3-headed one. Very good guard-dog, tested by specialists at Hogwarts-
Lamia: *Voicicus Takeawayicus*
Ferdy: Kwaquaarg*
*Translation: Well, fuck.
--
{Back to our heroes}
Tristan: *sees a coach* Aha! *remembers: Fail-Safe Way #3: end up on top of her as often as possible but make sure you have a good excuse for it!*
Tristan: *jumps on top of Yvaine straight into the bushes* Um, this is for your own safety!
Yvaine: Hmm. Well while we’re here, what are your views on cutting out the heart of a star in order to achieve immortality?
Audience: Loaded question much?
Tristan: *thinks about it* Eternal life would be kind of lonely, wouldn’t it? Unless you had someone to share it with.
Women in the Audience: AWWWWWWWW *throw panties at the screen*
Men in the Audience: This is boring, when are they going to make out already?
Tristan: Well, better get going then.
Yvaine: Yes, dear Victoria’s birthday is in a day!
Tristan: Oh. Right. Idon’tcare.
--
{Now Septimus has found Ferdy}
Fate: Why, yes, Ferdy I kind of don’t like you.
Septimus: Cake or Death?
Ferdy: Quaaawk.
Fate: Really, REALLY don’t like you.
Septimus: I heard cake! *stabbity*
Ferdy: *ded*
{But Septimus is a cunning fellow and goes on to find Shakespeare’s ship}
Setpimus: Now remember everyone, Captain Shakespeare has a fearsome reputation. I hear he wrote this one play where like everyone dies at the end. There’s poison, murder, kings, and ghosts in it. Crazy shit.
{Meanwhile, in the Captain’s Quarters-}
Me: *watches Shakespeare dance along to the music and make the best facial expressions. Ever.* WHY DID I NEVER REALIZE HOW MUCH IN LOVE I AM WITH ROBERT DENIRO??
{Meanwhile Septimus’ men are getting their butts kicked by pirates while the prince himself goes off to find Shakespeare}
Shakespeare: Lalalala *dancedance* Lalala-
Septimus: WHAT. THE. FUCK? *looks around the walk-in closet* I NEVER KNEW such colorful clothes existed! Here I was stuck wearing those dreadful black clothes all the time. And I mean, it’s going to be summer soon! Do you have anything in blue?
Shakespeare: Uh... I gave the last blue dress to this girl-
Septimus: TELL ME WHERE SHE WENT IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU!
{Suddenly the crew bursts into the room}
Crew Member: Step away from my Captain! ARR!
Septimus: Self-preservation time. *graceful jump into the lake*
Judges #1- #9: *hold up a 10*
Judge #10: I dunno, it was more like a weak 9.
Septimus: Politics. That’s all these contests are. *kills Judge #10 anyway*
--
{Meanwhile it turns out that Yvaine is not familiar with sarcasm and flattery and is under the impression that Sal is a good friend of the Captain’s so they decide to ask her for a ride to Wall}
Tristan: It’s kind of putting me off that you’re working really hard to get us to Wall in time, Yvaine. If only there was some way I could find out how you feel about me
Audience: You mean other than the bit when she starts glowing the minute you get near her and how she stopped insulting you every 5 minutes?
Tristan: Excuse me-
Sal: That’s my flower! Give it back!
Tristan: Hey, my dad paid the full price for it fair and square!
Sal: Whatever, anything witch-made doesn’t rightfully pass into human ownership.
Tristan: How about we trade? Food, lodging and safe passage to Wall in exchange for this flower?
Sal: Deal. Sucker.
Sal: And now that I have this flower, which apparently was the only reason you survived so far, I shall turn you into a little furry animal. They’re so cute!
Yvaine: Hey, what’s the big idea! *tries to inflict various bodily harm onto Sal but is unsuccessful* Did you put a shield charm around yourself or something you great ugly smelly troll?
Sal: *oblivious*
Yvaine: Hey, you can’t see or hear me, can you? This is oddly convenient. Assuming I get my Tristan back just as he was!
{On the ride to Wall, Yvaine decides to confide her innermost feelings to a little furry creature with huge eyes. In other words, she’s a pretty typical female}
Yvaine: I have to check first though. Tristan, can you understand me?
Tristan: Nope. Feel free to spill it all.
Yvaine: Phew, good. So... *goes on to have an hour-long cheesy monologue about love in which she uses eyebrow-acting skills obtained from Emma Watson* In conclusion, after those 6 days with you I realize that you’re my true love.
Tristan: *eats cheese*
--
{Magical webcam time}
Witch Sisters: We found out that the star is heading to Wall.
Liam: Well, that’s just great because the moment she steps into human territory SHE WILL TURN INTO A PIECE OF ROCK.
Audience: Well, fuck.
--
{Meanwhile, Sal turns Tristan back into his adorable human self after which Yvaine drags him into the inn with a generally odd but exceptionally appropriate name, “The Slaughtered Prince”}
Audience: Wonder if it’s popular with the royal crowd.
{As Tristan sleeps, Yvaine decides to take a bath}
Audience: Wait, where did they even get money for a room?
{Uh… Well, you see.. quick, Tristan, distract them!}
Tristan: Pick-a-boo!
Yvaine: Eeek! A little privacy please.
Tristan: Don’t worry, I didn’t see anything while I was staring at you there for a whole minute.
Yvaine: Good. Well, you can look now that I’m in a wet towel clinging to me and about to fall off.
Tristan: *thinks* Fail-Safe Way#9: Talk to them about feeling when they’re wearing the least amount of clothing. Do you really love me?
Yvaine: EEEE, YOU HEARD! BUT-BUT-EEEE! *continues to act as if Hedwig just died a horrible death or something*
Tristan: Relax, I love you too.
Yvaine: Really?
Tristan: Really really. Wanna do it?
{Meanwhile, outside--}
Ghost!Tertius: *is watching our heroes make out because the internet wasn’t invented yet* Hey, guys, check this out.
Ghost!Brothers: No thanks, you pervert.
Ghost!Tertius: Vot is the point of being a gost if you aren’t going to spy on people?
--
{Next morning}
{While Yvaine is asleep, Tristan gets out a knife}
Audience: Omgwtfbbq??!
{Tristan cuts off some of her hair}
Audience: *slightly less wtfbbq-ing*
{Tristan goes downstairs}
Tristan: Hey, do you guys have some post-its or something?
Innkeeper: Those things are way overpriced. Just leave your message of vast significance with me while I’m still half-asleep, and make it as ambiguous as possible to create some confusion.
{Tristan leaves and goes to Wall in search of one miss Victoria}
Victoria: OMG, TrIstAn, What HaPPnD 2 U?
Tristan: I have become a grown man in this past week, Victoria. Hey, did you always talk like that?
Victoria: LiKE wHuT?
Tristan: …I guess I never noticed.
{Back at the inn}
Innkeeper: Your friend said that he’s off to look for Victoria because he’s found his true love. I’ll leave it to you to decide what he means, but I think you’d like to know that this isn’t the first time a guy has sneaked out of this inn after the girl finally put out.
Yvaine: Wait, what, how do you even know--?
Innkeeper: Just friendly with the local ghosts.
Yvaine: Well, this is somewhat hugely depressing. I think I’ll just go walk slowly towards Wall now. *does so*
Una: Stop! Stop! *DESPERATE MEASURES TIME*
--
Tristan: Well, I got the star.
Victoria: RLY?? WeRE iS It?
Tristan: Well, here, I brought you a piece.
Victoria: Y JUst a PiEce? WELl, WhaTEver, I WaNT U, u BiG HunKY mAN!
Tristan: As tempting as that sounds, I don’t really think playing house with you sounds like too much fun.
Victoria: I H8 U!!
Humphrey: *jaw-drop* Wow, Tristan when did you get so-uh, I mean, step away from Victoria or I’ll poke you again!
Tristan: *draws out sword* Whose is bigger now?
Humphrey: …
Tristan: Anyway, it’s all right, you can have the prom queen, Humphrey.
Victoria: U SUcK AnEwaYS, TAke uR IckY BlaCK STaRdusT WiTh u.
Tristan: Oh man, getting a brainwave and a panic attack at the same time is so not fun. *SPRINTS*
--
{In a really cool turn of events, Tristan, Yvaine, Una and Sal, Lamia and Septimus are all going, at various velocities, to the same location. It’s kind of interesting to realize that they have never been in one single scene together}
Me: I really, really hope they all get there at the same time and collide with awesome force.
{Sadly this doesn’t happen}
{Una is first to get there because it is in the nature of mother-in-laws to not pass up a chance to intervene}
Una: If you cross that wall, you will die!
Yvaine: Huh?
Lamia: *has just arrived* The girl looks suicidal, I say we assist her.
Sal: Either I drank too much last night, or there’s something going on here I’m not getting.
Lamia: You’re no threat at all but I’ll just go ahead and waste some magic and youth on killing you, shall I? *GREEN FIRE ATTACK!*
Me: Green fire to Lamia is like Expelliarmus to Harry.
Sal: *comically ded*
Una: Una is FREEE!
Lamia: *chains her and Yvaine* Hope you enjoyed that while it lasted. Now get in the carriage or follow in Hector’s footsteps.
Una: But we’re not dead and you’re hardly an Achilles-
Lamia: Just get in, dammit!
Yvaine: *whimper* This must be a Thursday.
{After they ride off Tristan finally arrives at the scene and starts interrogating the poor Ninja Guard}
Ninja Guard: Eeek, witches and magic and god knows what else, maybe even pirates, and everybody knows ninjas are scared of pirates so excuse me while I go and maybe get a life at age 97.
Tristan: Well, fuck. Guess I better check out the wreckage.
Tristan: *finds his flower* Awesome! Guess I don’t have to spend a single minute in Stormhold without it.
{Reunited with his flower, Tristan gets started on the whole rescue thing}
{5 hours pass}
Septimus: Behold, for I have arrived!
Crickets: ….
--
{Lamia arrives at her home with Yvaine and Una, whom she intends to keep as a slave}
Witch Sisters: Just in time, you look worse than Aunt Muriel, lolol!
Lamia: Ok, enough fun, get the star on to the dinner and/or sacrificial table.
{Outside, Tristan magically transports himself from the top of the freakishly tall cliff down to the Witches’ home. Septimus is also there, also magically}
Septimus: I’ve got a dagger and I’m not afraid to use it.
Tristan: Well, I’ve got one too and I actually am afraid to use it but you don’t know that.
Septimus: All right, lets work on this together.
Tristan: But I don’t know if I can trust you.
Septimus: Of course you don’t. I’m the Snape character of this story- dark, dangerous guy in black robes with a fondness for poison, y’know?
Me: Hmm, if Snape was more handsome, never met Lily, and a prince-WAITOMG. Snape IS a Prince. *dies laughing*
{Tristan and Septimus charge inside, where Septimus almost kills a sibling. Shocking, I know.}
Septimus: Sister?
The Slower Part of the Audience: *GASP!!!*
{One of the Witch Sisters attacks and finds out that Septimus is apparently fire-proof. He, however, manages to stab her}
Witch Sister #1: I’m not supposed to be this easy to kill! *ded*
{Finally it takes the Top Witch and some crazy voodoo to kill Septimus}
Septimus: That doll didn’t even look like me. *ded*
Me: That was the coolest death I have ever seen.
Ghost!Septimus: *joins his dead brothers*
Ghost!Primus: Well, at least you got a somewhat heroic death.
Ghost!Septimus: I think I’d’ve preferred a quick snakebite or something.
Witch Sister #2: I’ll take care of the boy.
Tristan: I’m not sure if I am capable of murder, but I think I’ll be cool with watching you get torn to death by a pack of wolfs. Yep, that sounds good.
Audience: What, she can’t magically defend herself from a couple of animals?…
{Apparently not.}
Witch Sister #3: *ded*
Lamia: I have to do everything myself around here! Or I could get that dead body to do it for me!
Ghost!Septimus: Dude, not cool, I never signed up to become an Inferi after death.
{As “Septimus” and Tristan battle, Tristan stabs him. A lot.}
Audience: OMG, Tristan, that’s your uncle’s dead body you’re killing!
{Not satisfied with this, Tristan crashes a chandelier on his poor dead uncle and swings up to the dinner and/or sacrificial table}
~Tristan Thorn, Tristan Thorn,
Does whatever Tristan Thorn does.
Can he swing, from a rope?
Yes he can, he’s not a pig!~
Crickets: … W.T.F. …
{Lamia corners Tristan and is about to chop his head off when she realizes that she’s too depressed about her sisters}
Audience: *almost actually falls for this despite every rule in the book saying not to*
Lamia: GO!
Tristan and Yvaine: …Ok.
Lamia: BWAHAHA, JK!
Audience: …why didn’t she kill Tristan when she had the chance?
Yvaine: Hold on, there’s this cool trick I can do. It was always a hit when it was dark and stuff.
Tristan: …Ok.
Yvaine: *SHINE*
Lamia: *DED*
Tristan: Couldn’t you do that, like, earlier? Before I got almost killed by the dead body of my uncle?
Yvaine: My batteries were charging, ok?
Una: Oh good job, you two! I was so proud as I watched from a safe distance!
Tristan: Hey, don’t forget your necklace Yvaine.
Una: That is no ordinary necklace, Tristan! You’re the last male heir of the royal line, and owning the necklace means you get to rule all of Stormhold.
The Slowest People in the Audience: *GAAAAAAAAAASP*!!!!
--
{And so Tristan and Yvaine ruled the kingdom and wore uncomfortable but regal clothes. And Una gave them a Babylon Candle (apparently it was she that stole the whole kingdom’s supply) as a present. And after many years on Earth they used it to live happily ever after in the sky as two stars. All was shiny.}
Scientists in the Audience: But those stars could be like, millions of light years away from each other.
Everyone else: *ignores* AWWWWWWW.
--
{Somewhere}
Unicorn: *wakes up* Gah, they took my freakin’ kidney!
[THE END]
Well, I hope you like it; I had fun writing it. And no telling me that I hate the movie, because I loved it a lot and spending so much time on a parody is a testament to that.