All right, so this is an actual review
Yeah, a couple of hours out of the cinema, and I've managed to put together a few paragraphs of witless rambling about the Avengers movie. Here they are (for reals this time).
So, I kind of knew something was going on when it took so very long for Clint to get a word in edgewise in the trailers. I was still totally shocked when, five seconds into the movie, Loki BRAINWASHED THE FUCK OUT OF HIM. Seriously, though - how cool is Clint after this? All Loki has to do is get him on board, and he's golden. Also, there's something a bit sexy about turncoat Hawkeye. Kudos for not being a brainwash zombie - he's still the BAMF we all love, just... Loki's BAMF.
I anticipate Hawkeye/Loki fic forever.
Then Agent Coulson was on screen and I had to put everything on hold to stare in rapture at his face. Seriously, he just insinuates himself into the scene and then lets the flash bastards be flash while he holds their drinks. And Tony's insistence that his first name was "Agent" - perfect. Even when he's not being secret-agent-smooth, he's being an enormous dorky fanboy for Captain America. My heart, oh, my heart.
And almost as soon as Coulson leaves the screen, it is filled with the perfection that is Natasha. And once she's gone we're back to the Loki-and-Hawkeye show, and wow, how long should I wait before posting kink meme prompts for those two? (This is as good a point as any to ask how something as perfect as Tom Hiddleston's face can exist. Because, honestly. How can I look into a person's eyes and see such dizzying vertigo? And the look in his eye as he gets exactly what he came for by causing excruciating pain (and possibly death) to a pathetic mortal? Chilling.)
The introduction of Thor to the equation was everything I hoped it would be (and kind of knew beat-for-beat from all the trailers/interviews) but better, because of the moment just before he arrives. When even Tony notices that Loki is afraid. And it's a scene I've thought a lot about since the end of Thor - I've read a hundred fics that depict this exact scene - so it's a little strange seeing the "real" one. I liked it. It portrayed Thor's anger over what happened more clearly than most fics (no shipping to get in the way) - "We thought you dead," he says, with his fist around Loki's throat. And Loki's dismissal of his grief was, I feel, pitch perfect. Though, perhaps I've just imagined and written it too many times, but I did think the moment Loki denies Odin as his father deserved more weight - Thor returns with a pretty weak "we grew up together" argument. Are we expected to believe that Thor hasn't thought about it at all in the year since Loki fell, or that he's just that bad at expressing himself.
There's an absolutely lovely cinematic moment, of Thor fighting with the camera angle over Loki's shoulder.
Things that happen on the Helicarrier -
1) Loki is a smooth bastard. I already saw this scene online.
2) Steve is an adorable time traveller. V. proud of getting a Wizard of Oz reference, when Thor didn't.
3) Thor gets reacquainted with Coulson in a friendly manner. How nice is it that they took time to show that?
4) WHY DO I NOW SHIP TONY/BRUCE?
5) Hold up. Hold the fuck up. Did Natasha just play Loki?
6) Did she just play him like a goddamn violin, while he was trying to be a scary psycho villain? Also, do you think she'd marry me if I could find a way into the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
7) Oh, and everyone's bickering like five-year-olds. I was a teeny bit disappointed with this - all the "Avengers picking on each other" scenes from the trailers all happened at the same time.
8) Maria Hill is made of awesome.
9) Loki's OBVIOUS ESCAPE PLAN. Oh, and I love the fact that he clearly does still carry fond memories of Thor as his brother. He tricks Thor into the cage with a rudimentary illusion, and asks "will you ever not fall for that?"
10) 'Course, he does follow that up with his first genuine attempt of the movie to murder the hell out of Thor. That's okay, though, because Coulson turns up with a giant gun of awesome and he--
11) FUCK.
12) FUCK, NO.
13) What did you--
14) Fuck.
Okay, I'm not playing any more. Fuck you, Joss Whedon.
Although - here are the things we saw happen. Loki stabs Coulson, gets back to the business of murdering Thor. Coulson responds by falling over, then shooting Loki with his gun of awesome. Fury arrives, Coulson has a speech that definitely sounds like final words, then closes his eyes and the med team arrives. After the Avengers save (most of) the day, Fury tells them Coulson died. He shows them Coulson's blood soaked Captain America trading cards to add to the emotional hurricane in my heart. Once the Avengers have been inspired to action, Agent Hill points out that the trading cards were in Coulson's locker. How did they get covered in blood?
From this we can conclude that Fury is a lying liar who lies.
Fucking liar. Where did you put Coulson while you were clearly lying about him being dead, Nick? Where did you put him? Is he in the hospital bay?
See, from here the movie is literally a series of awesome moments strung together. Loki's army (of aliens, not fangirls) arrives and everyone is busy showing off how cool and heroic they can be. Hawkeye and Hulk leap enthusiastically into the fray as trusted team members despite the way they've been nothing but villains so far... I'll forgive that, though, because Hawkeye shooting an arrow behind him and hitting an alien sky-motorbike travelling through at speed is actually the best thing in this movie.
I had a... moment, when Loki's final removal from the fight was a laugh-out-loud moment. It was pretty fucking funny - Big godly tantrum about how all of this should be beneath him and he's not playing, Hulk beatdown, Loki lying in a crater whimpering while Hulk wanders off - but I don't know it should have been comedy gold.
Another problem I had was how seamlessly the team worked together their second time in a fight - the first crisis situation they had was a shambles, and then... Well, when you need both hands to count the number of times Iron Man happened to be swooping through when one of his teammates was just about to be overwhelmed, there's something off.
And, I guess I can see why the script ended up this way, but part of Loki's plan was problematic. Beat up the heroes and break their stuff is a fine plan for an established villain, but why would Loki's ego insist on beating these six people who aren't even a team yet? It's cool that Tony's the one who figures him out, but defeating the Avengers won't make the world fall to its knees. The world doesn't really know who the Avengers are yet. I really expected to find out at the end that he had a grudge against the (aliens whose name I can't spell) and was deliberately running them into a meat grinder.
Another thing that was rubbish was--
No. No, you know what? There was nothing wrong with this movie. Nothing. At all. (Because, you know, Fury is a lying lie-filled Lie-o-saurus.) I need to see this three more times, and then I'll start writing the fic that I will post after May 7th. They will all of them involve Coulson being alive.
So, I kind of knew something was going on when it took so very long for Clint to get a word in edgewise in the trailers. I was still totally shocked when, five seconds into the movie, Loki BRAINWASHED THE FUCK OUT OF HIM. Seriously, though - how cool is Clint after this? All Loki has to do is get him on board, and he's golden. Also, there's something a bit sexy about turncoat Hawkeye. Kudos for not being a brainwash zombie - he's still the BAMF we all love, just... Loki's BAMF.
I anticipate Hawkeye/Loki fic forever.
Then Agent Coulson was on screen and I had to put everything on hold to stare in rapture at his face. Seriously, he just insinuates himself into the scene and then lets the flash bastards be flash while he holds their drinks. And Tony's insistence that his first name was "Agent" - perfect. Even when he's not being secret-agent-smooth, he's being an enormous dorky fanboy for Captain America. My heart, oh, my heart.
And almost as soon as Coulson leaves the screen, it is filled with the perfection that is Natasha. And once she's gone we're back to the Loki-and-Hawkeye show, and wow, how long should I wait before posting kink meme prompts for those two? (This is as good a point as any to ask how something as perfect as Tom Hiddleston's face can exist. Because, honestly. How can I look into a person's eyes and see such dizzying vertigo? And the look in his eye as he gets exactly what he came for by causing excruciating pain (and possibly death) to a pathetic mortal? Chilling.)
The introduction of Thor to the equation was everything I hoped it would be (and kind of knew beat-for-beat from all the trailers/interviews) but better, because of the moment just before he arrives. When even Tony notices that Loki is afraid. And it's a scene I've thought a lot about since the end of Thor - I've read a hundred fics that depict this exact scene - so it's a little strange seeing the "real" one. I liked it. It portrayed Thor's anger over what happened more clearly than most fics (no shipping to get in the way) - "We thought you dead," he says, with his fist around Loki's throat. And Loki's dismissal of his grief was, I feel, pitch perfect. Though, perhaps I've just imagined and written it too many times, but I did think the moment Loki denies Odin as his father deserved more weight - Thor returns with a pretty weak "we grew up together" argument. Are we expected to believe that Thor hasn't thought about it at all in the year since Loki fell, or that he's just that bad at expressing himself.
There's an absolutely lovely cinematic moment, of Thor fighting with the camera angle over Loki's shoulder.
Things that happen on the Helicarrier -
1) Loki is a smooth bastard. I already saw this scene online.
2) Steve is an adorable time traveller. V. proud of getting a Wizard of Oz reference, when Thor didn't.
3) Thor gets reacquainted with Coulson in a friendly manner. How nice is it that they took time to show that?
4) WHY DO I NOW SHIP TONY/BRUCE?
5) Hold up. Hold the fuck up. Did Natasha just play Loki?
6) Did she just play him like a goddamn violin, while he was trying to be a scary psycho villain? Also, do you think she'd marry me if I could find a way into the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
7) Oh, and everyone's bickering like five-year-olds. I was a teeny bit disappointed with this - all the "Avengers picking on each other" scenes from the trailers all happened at the same time.
8) Maria Hill is made of awesome.
9) Loki's OBVIOUS ESCAPE PLAN. Oh, and I love the fact that he clearly does still carry fond memories of Thor as his brother. He tricks Thor into the cage with a rudimentary illusion, and asks "will you ever not fall for that?"
10) 'Course, he does follow that up with his first genuine attempt of the movie to murder the hell out of Thor. That's okay, though, because Coulson turns up with a giant gun of awesome and he--
11) FUCK.
12) FUCK, NO.
13) What did you--
14) Fuck.
Okay, I'm not playing any more. Fuck you, Joss Whedon.
Although - here are the things we saw happen. Loki stabs Coulson, gets back to the business of murdering Thor. Coulson responds by falling over, then shooting Loki with his gun of awesome. Fury arrives, Coulson has a speech that definitely sounds like final words, then closes his eyes and the med team arrives. After the Avengers save (most of) the day, Fury tells them Coulson died. He shows them Coulson's blood soaked Captain America trading cards to add to the emotional hurricane in my heart. Once the Avengers have been inspired to action, Agent Hill points out that the trading cards were in Coulson's locker. How did they get covered in blood?
From this we can conclude that Fury is a lying liar who lies.
Fucking liar. Where did you put Coulson while you were clearly lying about him being dead, Nick? Where did you put him? Is he in the hospital bay?
See, from here the movie is literally a series of awesome moments strung together. Loki's army (of aliens, not fangirls) arrives and everyone is busy showing off how cool and heroic they can be. Hawkeye and Hulk leap enthusiastically into the fray as trusted team members despite the way they've been nothing but villains so far... I'll forgive that, though, because Hawkeye shooting an arrow behind him and hitting an alien sky-motorbike travelling through at speed is actually the best thing in this movie.
I had a... moment, when Loki's final removal from the fight was a laugh-out-loud moment. It was pretty fucking funny - Big godly tantrum about how all of this should be beneath him and he's not playing, Hulk beatdown, Loki lying in a crater whimpering while Hulk wanders off - but I don't know it should have been comedy gold.
Another problem I had was how seamlessly the team worked together their second time in a fight - the first crisis situation they had was a shambles, and then... Well, when you need both hands to count the number of times Iron Man happened to be swooping through when one of his teammates was just about to be overwhelmed, there's something off.
And, I guess I can see why the script ended up this way, but part of Loki's plan was problematic. Beat up the heroes and break their stuff is a fine plan for an established villain, but why would Loki's ego insist on beating these six people who aren't even a team yet? It's cool that Tony's the one who figures him out, but defeating the Avengers won't make the world fall to its knees. The world doesn't really know who the Avengers are yet. I really expected to find out at the end that he had a grudge against the (aliens whose name I can't spell) and was deliberately running them into a meat grinder.
Another thing that was rubbish was--
No. No, you know what? There was nothing wrong with this movie. Nothing. At all. (Because, you know, Fury is a lying lie-filled Lie-o-saurus.) I need to see this three more times, and then I'll start writing the fic that I will post after May 7th. They will all of them involve Coulson being alive.