What is really happening...
So, I am currently kinda sorta still with Patrick. We've gone back and forth with major issues. It makes me sad that it didn't last as long as I wanted it to, but I guess it was a good run for us to know if we are able to be together. Besides, I am having strong urges to explore my options. :( Which I have taken it upon myself to see about one person whether or not there was interest.
Turns out, I can't stop thinking about him. He's in my dreams, he's who I think about if Pat and I are making love, 8( he's the one I want more than the one I'm with... it's pretty awful.
But when I think about him I feel so happy and full of bliss I almost think my heart is going to explode. I haven't gushed about someone else in soooo long. It almost feels refreshing. He makes me want to listen to happy, pretty songs. And especially his music since he writes and sings a little too. I don't even care if he doesn't sound super amazing.. just the simple fact that he isn't afraid to post his voice on the net for everyone to hear is brave. Personally I like his voice. I think it's just as pretty as his lovely, lovely writing skills. :)
I just wish the situation wasn't like this. Where I'm stuck here in Winston Salem, living with the person that I'm no longer in love with. And on top of that pining for someone on the side secretly. I would rather not mention it to Patrick because that last thing we need right now is a huge split up. Because that's exactly what would happen.
Anyway, I hope if anyone reads my entries that they don't think of this particular entry as wrong and not fair. I've given Pat time and time again to fix things between us since early June this year. I think he's had enough time to try to actually do something about the problems, but he simply won't change his ways. Breaks my heart, but I feel the best thing to do is to just stick it out living with him in this apartment until our lease is up and then I will finally have a free soul again.
I will ALWAYS care about Patrick, but I cannot do this to myself anymore. I don't want the hurt and the confusion anymore. It's driving me insane and making me into a person that I have never wanted to be. I hope that when it's all said and done in the end that Patrick and I can learn to be friends one day, but until then we will kinda sorta stay together considering the circumstances.
That's all I have for now. I have to get back to work now and I guess I might be on this a little more often now.
Til then!
Turns out, I can't stop thinking about him. He's in my dreams, he's who I think about if Pat and I are making love, 8( he's the one I want more than the one I'm with... it's pretty awful.
But when I think about him I feel so happy and full of bliss I almost think my heart is going to explode. I haven't gushed about someone else in soooo long. It almost feels refreshing. He makes me want to listen to happy, pretty songs. And especially his music since he writes and sings a little too. I don't even care if he doesn't sound super amazing.. just the simple fact that he isn't afraid to post his voice on the net for everyone to hear is brave. Personally I like his voice. I think it's just as pretty as his lovely, lovely writing skills. :)
I just wish the situation wasn't like this. Where I'm stuck here in Winston Salem, living with the person that I'm no longer in love with. And on top of that pining for someone on the side secretly. I would rather not mention it to Patrick because that last thing we need right now is a huge split up. Because that's exactly what would happen.
Anyway, I hope if anyone reads my entries that they don't think of this particular entry as wrong and not fair. I've given Pat time and time again to fix things between us since early June this year. I think he's had enough time to try to actually do something about the problems, but he simply won't change his ways. Breaks my heart, but I feel the best thing to do is to just stick it out living with him in this apartment until our lease is up and then I will finally have a free soul again.
I will ALWAYS care about Patrick, but I cannot do this to myself anymore. I don't want the hurt and the confusion anymore. It's driving me insane and making me into a person that I have never wanted to be. I hope that when it's all said and done in the end that Patrick and I can learn to be friends one day, but until then we will kinda sorta stay together considering the circumstances.
That's all I have for now. I have to get back to work now and I guess I might be on this a little more often now.
Til then!