(no subject)
I know it's not really me, but I've given up for now trying to make things better. It seems to blow up in my face too often. to say I feel lonely sometimes and want things that I used to have or to have things the way they were in the past is true, but I also know that it just doesn't work that way.
I'd like things to work, I really would, but I'm just in a self-destructive state right now. I don't get it at all, and that's frustrating. I've got so much anger and negative energy pent up from years of suppression that it's all sort of coming out now. I feel like I'm putting on a show most of the time. I want people to see me as a jerk so they won't ask questions.
I'd like to give everyone answers, but it would take too long.
I think I've been suicidal for a long time now, but in a less overt way. I'm not so much trying to kill myself as I am trying to break my own spirit. I have this horrible subconscious habit of putting myself in situations that test my will and heart. I guess it's finally caught up with me. I'm finally giving in. I know that some part of me still tries to be hopefull, but more and more it gets pushed inside and is silenced by a bitterness that's been growing for a while now.
I find it hard to not be, though. I had my heart broken in the most painful way, and now in light of new circumstances things have becomed confusing to a degree that I just try and ignore it. to say that I can't love anymore is going a little too far, but I definitely have a reduced sense of passion. getting excited at things is difficult to do. I suppose that's why I isolate myself. I don't want to lead anyone in the wrong direction and make empty promises for a storybook ending. I just don't believe in it anymore. love and life is full of strife and I think I get that more than a lot of people. I refuse to ignore it. I can't bring myself to play house and imagine that things are perfect when they aren't. I have a lot of personal issues that can't be pushed aside. I know that a healthy relationship might help me, but I also know that in the state of mind I'm in right now, I could do more harm than good to a good friendship. I'm still trying to figure myself out, and I know that I have to do it alone. I'm different in a relationship. I have difficulty making decisions and in a passive way, I let myself become dominated, and my individuality subsides. little by little I slip away until one day I wake up and I have no personal ambitions anymore. I have no friends of my own. I have no life of my own. the lines are so blurred I don't know where I end and someone else begins. I don't know who I am anymore.
I guess more than anything, I'm just afraid of having my heart broken again like that. I don't think I could stand it. I guess I just want to know that if it does happen again, I'll be able to survive on my own without having to start all over again. that gets tiring. I've done it so many times. it's so hard to put everything you have into something and have it fall apart while you try in futility to stop it. I hate feeling powerless, and I aim to never feel like that again. the only way I can figure to accomplish that is to go on with things and face a whole new assortment of struggles on my own so that I have the experience and the knowledge that once again, I will prevail in the face of madness.
I'm sorry I sound bitter and jaded, but I'm tired of failing. the only time I ever really succeed is when I'm doing something for someone else. I want to be able to say I did something for myself for once. I want to know that I can successfully be self-indulgent.
I'd like things to work, I really would, but I'm just in a self-destructive state right now. I don't get it at all, and that's frustrating. I've got so much anger and negative energy pent up from years of suppression that it's all sort of coming out now. I feel like I'm putting on a show most of the time. I want people to see me as a jerk so they won't ask questions.
I'd like to give everyone answers, but it would take too long.
I think I've been suicidal for a long time now, but in a less overt way. I'm not so much trying to kill myself as I am trying to break my own spirit. I have this horrible subconscious habit of putting myself in situations that test my will and heart. I guess it's finally caught up with me. I'm finally giving in. I know that some part of me still tries to be hopefull, but more and more it gets pushed inside and is silenced by a bitterness that's been growing for a while now.
I find it hard to not be, though. I had my heart broken in the most painful way, and now in light of new circumstances things have becomed confusing to a degree that I just try and ignore it. to say that I can't love anymore is going a little too far, but I definitely have a reduced sense of passion. getting excited at things is difficult to do. I suppose that's why I isolate myself. I don't want to lead anyone in the wrong direction and make empty promises for a storybook ending. I just don't believe in it anymore. love and life is full of strife and I think I get that more than a lot of people. I refuse to ignore it. I can't bring myself to play house and imagine that things are perfect when they aren't. I have a lot of personal issues that can't be pushed aside. I know that a healthy relationship might help me, but I also know that in the state of mind I'm in right now, I could do more harm than good to a good friendship. I'm still trying to figure myself out, and I know that I have to do it alone. I'm different in a relationship. I have difficulty making decisions and in a passive way, I let myself become dominated, and my individuality subsides. little by little I slip away until one day I wake up and I have no personal ambitions anymore. I have no friends of my own. I have no life of my own. the lines are so blurred I don't know where I end and someone else begins. I don't know who I am anymore.
I guess more than anything, I'm just afraid of having my heart broken again like that. I don't think I could stand it. I guess I just want to know that if it does happen again, I'll be able to survive on my own without having to start all over again. that gets tiring. I've done it so many times. it's so hard to put everything you have into something and have it fall apart while you try in futility to stop it. I hate feeling powerless, and I aim to never feel like that again. the only way I can figure to accomplish that is to go on with things and face a whole new assortment of struggles on my own so that I have the experience and the knowledge that once again, I will prevail in the face of madness.
I'm sorry I sound bitter and jaded, but I'm tired of failing. the only time I ever really succeed is when I'm doing something for someone else. I want to be able to say I did something for myself for once. I want to know that I can successfully be self-indulgent.