(no subject)
The anxiety attacks are starting. Mrs.-Perfect-for-the-world is coming tomorrow but I'm not yet ready. I don't know why but it's like she is both indifferent and razing! I think so far she tolerates me because my twin is married and father refused to do housework. She is always up and about how perfect she is, her latest achievement/promotion and why oh why am I not "up to speed"? Can she recommend anything constructive? Provide a reference? Give something specific besides generic "find a better job, apply out of state (did that), get a second job etc..."? Nope. But oh, SHE has an excuse, she can't do a damn thing because she's not a magician. Well, neither am I! But "your twin is doing x-y-z". Well in case you haven't been here for the past two-something decades we're DIFFERENT people! We're fraternal twins! We're bound to be different! But no, ever since childhood she'd insist I'd behave EXACTLY like my twin and then be all puzzled that the results were different. I rebelled earlier than teen years but that just gave her an excuse to blame me for everything. Now she is clueless yet again as to why I completely lost interest in being "social" so to speak.
The answer is simple and painfully obvious, I'm TIRED of being USED then discarded the second I seize to be "cool". Oh, I'd study my twin's behavior and try to copy it but somehow I'd attract mainly users and abusers. Of course Mrs.-Perfect was always in a cloud of denial! "You should share your things/Well you shouldn't have lent them if they aren't returned", "Don't do this in front of others, it's impolite/so what they pushed/hit/insulted you, you were in their way" and on and on and on. During my early teens she'd bristle at the mere thought that my social struggles could be due to something else other than my own fault. "No one wanted to partner up with you? Must be your "toxic" personality", couldn't have been that I don't know Korean, Chinese or Japanese or that (when I was transferred) everyone was already settled in their groups. Nope, it was all nonsense to her! If only I was pretty/pleasant/caring/sharing enough everything will be solved! Yeah, my stuff would get broken or taken, I'd never get help when I needed it but was obliged to help everyone else to "remain friends" and of course I did it all to myself! Someone scolded me? Well, I must have deserved it. "Friends" want to play on the Internet instead of doing schoolwork, nonsense you just didn't explain things the "right way" (I finally stood my ground at that one and made her go tell them and only then did she finally grudgingly admitted that people can in fact be that selfish/stupid). I'm treated like I have a permanent "be nice to her because she is so-and-so sister" tattooed on me? Must be my fault, I'm not letting my personality show! But I try that and I'm "scaring everyone away" so keep it down. Yeah, be myself yet like my twin (is that even possible?). Someone came to visit me and she'd act all surprised that such social garbage would have anyone to talk to yet berate me for not "having friends". Someone tries to give me a simple gift just to "cheer me up"? Give it back, how selfish of you! Apparently I was NOT allowed to even have gifts given to me. I was "selfish" to accept one...
The answer is simple and painfully obvious, I'm TIRED of being USED then discarded the second I seize to be "cool". Oh, I'd study my twin's behavior and try to copy it but somehow I'd attract mainly users and abusers. Of course Mrs.-Perfect was always in a cloud of denial! "You should share your things/Well you shouldn't have lent them if they aren't returned", "Don't do this in front of others, it's impolite/so what they pushed/hit/insulted you, you were in their way" and on and on and on. During my early teens she'd bristle at the mere thought that my social struggles could be due to something else other than my own fault. "No one wanted to partner up with you? Must be your "toxic" personality", couldn't have been that I don't know Korean, Chinese or Japanese or that (when I was transferred) everyone was already settled in their groups. Nope, it was all nonsense to her! If only I was pretty/pleasant/caring/sharing enough everything will be solved! Yeah, my stuff would get broken or taken, I'd never get help when I needed it but was obliged to help everyone else to "remain friends" and of course I did it all to myself! Someone scolded me? Well, I must have deserved it. "Friends" want to play on the Internet instead of doing schoolwork, nonsense you just didn't explain things the "right way" (I finally stood my ground at that one and made her go tell them and only then did she finally grudgingly admitted that people can in fact be that selfish/stupid). I'm treated like I have a permanent "be nice to her because she is so-and-so sister" tattooed on me? Must be my fault, I'm not letting my personality show! But I try that and I'm "scaring everyone away" so keep it down. Yeah, be myself yet like my twin (is that even possible?). Someone came to visit me and she'd act all surprised that such social garbage would have anyone to talk to yet berate me for not "having friends". Someone tries to give me a simple gift just to "cheer me up"? Give it back, how selfish of you! Apparently I was NOT allowed to even have gifts given to me. I was "selfish" to accept one...