(no subject)
There comes a point these things simply can't stay bottled in anymore. They go through my head in a constant loop, they don't quite, they don't slow down, they never stop. Sometimes... even when I'm sleeping and am in my dreams. They sink their poison into everything I am and taint everything I do with their painful sharp daggers. Even a good moment can be ruined by them in a flash.
What are they?
The way's I see myself.
I am this worthless, hopeless, ugly, horrid, terrible, stupid, senseless, frustrating, exasperating, unworthy, unwanted, unloved, rejected, disgusting, wrong, pitiful, contemptible, despicable, fat, unimportant, useless, wretched, disfigured, offensive, grotesque, loathsome, repugnant, obnoxious, repulsive.... waste of life (I almost forgot unlovely.... I get to add that one now...)
Yes. This is what I see.
Yes. This is what I feel.
Yes. This is what I am.
And someday I shall fix this problem I see. That day is not today, and perhaps not even tomorrow, yet I can clearly see it coming. When it does, when the silence washes through me and the pain abandons me.... I will rejoice at last for the end of my greatest sorrow. That I exist.
Most of you only have me on your lj lists because of Celeste / Amanda.... I'm afraid that it's rather pointless.... this journal will have no further relation to 'business' and I'll not talk about it here anyway... if that is what you are waiting for... you can go. You don't have to keep reading these things.
If you only read this journal because it's someone you vaguely know... but might not even remember how so... I'm sorry to waste your time so much.
And for everyone else who are my friends personally... and who read this... I'm not going to be smacked, hit, or yelled at for this. There will be no comments. Accept the truth as I have and you will see perhaps part of the cursed reflection that is mine and understand me at last.
Though honest I think only two people ever read this thing... It would be more meaningful to go talk to the walls again.
What are they?
The way's I see myself.
I am this worthless, hopeless, ugly, horrid, terrible, stupid, senseless, frustrating, exasperating, unworthy, unwanted, unloved, rejected, disgusting, wrong, pitiful, contemptible, despicable, fat, unimportant, useless, wretched, disfigured, offensive, grotesque, loathsome, repugnant, obnoxious, repulsive.... waste of life (I almost forgot unlovely.... I get to add that one now...)
Yes. This is what I see.
Yes. This is what I feel.
Yes. This is what I am.
And someday I shall fix this problem I see. That day is not today, and perhaps not even tomorrow, yet I can clearly see it coming. When it does, when the silence washes through me and the pain abandons me.... I will rejoice at last for the end of my greatest sorrow. That I exist.
Most of you only have me on your lj lists because of Celeste / Amanda.... I'm afraid that it's rather pointless.... this journal will have no further relation to 'business' and I'll not talk about it here anyway... if that is what you are waiting for... you can go. You don't have to keep reading these things.
If you only read this journal because it's someone you vaguely know... but might not even remember how so... I'm sorry to waste your time so much.
And for everyone else who are my friends personally... and who read this... I'm not going to be smacked, hit, or yelled at for this. There will be no comments. Accept the truth as I have and you will see perhaps part of the cursed reflection that is mine and understand me at last.
Though honest I think only two people ever read this thing... It would be more meaningful to go talk to the walls again.