(no subject)
sometimes enough is enough. sometimes I can just tell myself... "Just stop it already and let it all GO!" and sometimes... once in awhile when the moon is full and the tide is high *smirks* and I am wearing all white, it works. For the rest of the time, it is NOT enough. Sensible words spoken in kindness can echo through my head like waves of reality trying to break through the wall I've errected against it, and they chase me until I gasp for breath and beg for mercy.
It is not enough.
The sorrow inside I may hide from others but... it is always there. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the fear, and the sense of complete and utter worthlessness marches on behind my smile no matter how well I keep the grin on my face. I wish I were stronger, I really wish I could subdue the sudden terror that feeds on my weaknesses at the worst moments I could choose. Someday I WILL be strong enough damn it. I WILL. Right now... I just want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay. That maybe.... just maybe I deserve to breath and walk and be a part of life. And maybe someday I could live. But right now that isn't how it is.
I am alone. There are others yes, but I am still alone. Friends and family heap down expectations on me, sometimes push me until I break, but I AM alone.
I am alone inside where no hope touches my spirit and I cannot fathom anything but how easy it would be to just give up. Two months ago I tried, and I held back only because i was still needed by others. But when is my servitude to others going to be enough? When will I finally have something for myself?
I'm such a selfish bitch, but right now I can't care.
So for now... blood to ease the pain, and smiles to hide the fear.
A more thrilling prospect I cannot imagine.
It is not enough.
The sorrow inside I may hide from others but... it is always there. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the fear, and the sense of complete and utter worthlessness marches on behind my smile no matter how well I keep the grin on my face. I wish I were stronger, I really wish I could subdue the sudden terror that feeds on my weaknesses at the worst moments I could choose. Someday I WILL be strong enough damn it. I WILL. Right now... I just want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay. That maybe.... just maybe I deserve to breath and walk and be a part of life. And maybe someday I could live. But right now that isn't how it is.
I am alone. There are others yes, but I am still alone. Friends and family heap down expectations on me, sometimes push me until I break, but I AM alone.
I am alone inside where no hope touches my spirit and I cannot fathom anything but how easy it would be to just give up. Two months ago I tried, and I held back only because i was still needed by others. But when is my servitude to others going to be enough? When will I finally have something for myself?
I'm such a selfish bitch, but right now I can't care.
So for now... blood to ease the pain, and smiles to hide the fear.
A more thrilling prospect I cannot imagine.