Hold Me Like You'll Never Let Me Go -- a Fourteenth Doctor/Rose Fanfic
Hey, everybody! I'm back after...way too many years, honestly. To share a fic that I don't think anybody will read because I don't know who even is on this website anymore and I'm pretty sure no one posts to the time_and_chips community anymore. (Let me know if I'm totally off base about that though.) But I am still a MASSIVE DW fan, and I couldn't let the spirit of the 60th anniversary of my favorite show go by without writing what I think a canon reunion between the Fourteenth Doctor and Rose Tyler would look like. So, spoilers for everything in DW through Wild Blue Yonder and some slight spoilers for the images released from Saturday's forthcoming episode, The Giggle. Also, mild spoilers for the Titan Comics story Empire of the Wolf and the short stories from Big Finish audios. The only thing not canon is that rubbish short story Jenny Colgan wrote for Target Books.
Man, did it feel good to write again! If any Doctor/Rose fans are still present on this site, leave me a comment. I feel like I'm the only one still gaga over these two sometimes.
Hold Me Like You'll Never Let Me Go
The Doctor could feel the buzzing starting underneath his skin. Multiple times throughout his battle with the Toymaker, his next self had already come through; in truth, it was only by using the differing skill sets of both incarnations that the Doctor felt he was going to regenerate again and not just simply die. But, oh...he was now so, so tired. The artron energy shot through him again and he watched as reality flickered in and out around him.
The Doctor's legs gave out from under him and he collapsed on the sofa in Donna's house. His best friend and her family were all safe. They weren't unscathed, of course -- that was nigh on impossible when it came to playing inter-dimensional games with a Celestial being -- but they were alive and Donna could remember him. The Doctor even lied to himself for a moment and promised himself that he would come back and visit her with his next face, that a regeneration would not stop him from keeping up his friendship for once. But with the next burst of arton-induced pain, he stopped lying to himself. Donna would need to move on with her life and protect her daughter, Rose. As long as he kept showing up at her doorstep, she would be in danger. And Donna would never turn him away. And one day, she would let him in and it would be the time that would get her or someone close to her killed. No, the Doctor would tell Donna goodbye and then he'd slip away.
After a nap, maybe. Yeah, a nap sounded good.
He lay down on the couch and closed his eyes. Goodness, he was running through regenerations. This most recent one, even though it had been manipulated into its appearance by the Toymaker, had only lasted him a few days. As the Doctor thought about it and remembered that he had no idea how many new regenerations the Time Lords had gifted him with, he mentally schooled his future self to try to live as long as possible. His Thirteenth self had only lasted a few decades, and most of those she had been in prison. No, his next self needed to last at least three hundred years because otherwise he would be really dead before he could find a way to restore what he could of the universe. And he needed to fix what the Flux had destroyed.
When the Doctor coughed, even more energy burst from his lungs. As he lay on the couch in Donna's house, he couldn't help but remember another regeneration with the same face. *His* Rose had sat beside him then, dealing with an alien invasion while he had slept and healed himself. Up until Jackie had made him a nice cup of tea anyway. He had been so hopeful then. With his pink and yellow human beside him, he had felt like he could run forever, and he had foolishly thought that that particular Christmas would be a day that felt like every other day. But Rose was gone and she had been gone for millions of years. However, over the previous few days, the Doctor had seen his old face return, come across one of his oldest enemies he had never thought to see again, had gone on an adventure with his best friend again and seen his old friend Mel working at UNIT. Why couldn't he see the love of his lives show up again, too? The Doctor smiled a bit at the thought.
He tried to picture what his Rose would be like now. He imagined his Metacrisis self would look a lot like his fully Time Lord self currently did. He would be thinner in the face, a bit more salt and pepper in his hair, and he would probably have to wear glasses because he needed them and not just to look clever. Rose, he was sure, would be beautiful. He hoped she would have laughter lines around her mouth and crow's feet at her eyes. He also hoped that by this point in their lives, Rose would have a couple of rings on her finger. Maybe they even had children together! The more he thought about it, the more clear the image became in his mind. He was sure that if he thought about it long enough, he'd even be able to hear her voice.
Even sooner than he could have hoped, his imagination provided him with a crystal clear rendition of an older Rose Tyler's voice.
"Yes, Mia, you can stay the night at Yvonne's. Just don't...I know you get tired of me telling you to stay away from the Cybus kiosks, but it's better than listening to your dad tell you the entirety of that adventure over again, isn't it? And it's definitely better than having to listen to your Granddad's rendition of the tale... Yes. Yes, I will tell your father you love him. Yep. Yep. Be good and I'll see you tomorrow. Love you, darlin'. Goodnight, sweetheart."
The Doctor kept his eyes closed. He had pictured his former love's voice many times over the centuries and this was as clear as it had ever been. Her voice was a bit scratchier than he remembered, and she spoke with a much more cultured tone than she'd had at 19 years old. His mind had even taken the motherly tone he'd heard Donna use with her daughter and molded it on to Rose's and it melted his heart completely. If his imagination was right and Rose was a mother, then Rose was a remarkable one he was sure. Definitely a better mother than he was a father.
"Oi! Sleepy head, it's time to get up! Aliens to battle and young, teenage girls to raise. Though you get a bit of a break on that one this evening. Lucky you."
The Doctor felt Donna nudge his foot. He tried to raise his head, but felt no desire to open his eyes. Donna's words could match Rose's voice if he kept his eyes closed. But if he opened them, then the fantasy was over and his regeneration would knock away all the happiness he had brought back to himself over the previous few days.
"Doctor! Wake up, you numpty!"
"Sorry, Donna, I just really wanted to rest my eyes."
"Donna? Have you been dreaming again, Doctor?"
The Doctor forced his eyes open. His imagination had done a very good job constructing a realistic fantasy. The Doctor's eyes were looking up at a pair of honey brown eyes framed by light brown hair and a face that was rounder than he last remembered seeing it four lifetimes previously, and a body that possessed less curves than he remembered, but that looked healthy and warm.
The Time Lord then moved his eyes around the room as much as he could without moving his head. He was no longer in Donna's house. Instead, he was in a living room painted a dark blue and in the window over Rose's shoulder, he could just glimpse a zeppelin floating across the London skyline. As with his best friend's home, fantasy Rose's house looked lived in and comfortable, with various knick knacks spread across the coffee table adjacent to the couch and what the Doctor guessed was a television mounted on the wall. It looked like the flat screen he was familiar with in the 21st century, but was see through instead of black.
The Doctor praised his clear memory of everything Rose Tyler related because he adored that the fantasy version of her managed to raise her eyebrows at him exactly the way her real counterpart had always done. He had often feared that his memory of her was fading, but everything about her at this moment was in high definition visual and stereo sound. He theorised that maybe his regeneration sickness was helping to make his illusions more detailed.
"You feeling okay, love? You're staring at me like I've grown another head. And of the two of us, I'm the one least likely to do that."
"Rose," he muttered. It was a name he'd said multiple times over the previous few days, and after centuries of not saying it at all if he (or she) could help it, it felt like a revelation to be saying it to the face that word always conjured to mind. Without warning, he was seized with pain again and he saw the regeneration energy encircle his hand.
His illusory Rose stood up, her eyes going wide as she stared down at him.
"Oh my god, you're regenerating! How are you regenerating? I thought you couldn't regenerate! Does this mean Mia can regenerate? Wait, why are you regenerating? You didn't even go into Big Ben today! I know you didn't because Mum was complaining that you weren't around to stop Melvin disrespecting her when he came through the canteen earlier today. What did you do? Pick a fight with a Weevil? No, you couldn't have done. No bite marks or anything. Doctor, answer me. What's happened? What do I tell Mia when she asks me why her father looks like a completely different person when she gets home tomorrow? Oh god, what happens if you go full alien?"
The Doctor wanted to answer her, but in addition to not being left any room or space to throw his voice into the ring, he was also taken aback by how detailed his mind was being about the kinds of questions a parent version of Rose would ask. As he breathed out more energy, he saw the room and Rose flicker in and out, the flashes interspersed with Donna's living room.
"Wait," Rose said, her voice slowing down and getting softer as she sat down on the edge of the couch next to the Doctor's torso, her hand reaching out to grab the Doctor's own. The Doctor held his breath as he felt two warm fingers reach down to his wrist and put themselves against his pulse. The Doctor allowed his dark brown eyes to meet the lighter brown of Rose's as she then put both her palms against the two sides of the Doctor's chest and felt his heartsbeat. "Doctor," she muttered softly.
"Hello, Rose Tyler," he whispered. Rose took in a shaky breath as the Doctor let out another cloud of energy. The room flickered again, but the Doctor noted that the warmth of Rose's skin was still present against his own body. The Doctor couldn't help but acknowledge the truth then. His imagination was good, but it wasn't as flawless as what his senses were telling him now. He didn't understand fully how it had happened -- doubtless the Celestial Toymaker's machinations with dimensions had thrown things briefly out of whack at the quantum mechanical level and the Doctor was reaping the most unbelievable benefits from it. He may be regenerating, but he was getting one last wish out of the bargain. Oh, if his Tenth self could see him now. His tired, regeneration sick mind couldn't quite work out all the whys and wherefores, but he knew a gift from the universe when he saw it, and damn it, he was going to take advantage of it.
"I should have known it was you and not my husband. You have a slightly different dress sense than he does. Oh, and the wedding ring is missing, of course."
"Of course," the Doctor agreed. His eyes went down to her hand and he smiled to see that his Metacrisis had done what the Time Lord had always dreamed of doing and made a full life with his favorite human woman.
"So, I take it you were with Donna still when you found yourself here. Is that why you thought I was her?"
"Well, more like with Donna again. It's complicated."
"Oh, of course it is. Wouldn't be you if it was simple."
The Doctor watched Rose as she took in his ensemble and his face after all their years of separation.
"Wow. You and my husband look exactly the same in the face. I mean, I know you did last time we saw each other, but I didn't think you'd age. God, how many years has it been? I mean, it has to have been awhile because you've changed your outfit a bit and I didn't think you did that very often."
"Oh, I'm not the same incarnation you remember. I've regenerated a few times since we last met. Ended up with this face again earlier this week, but it turned out the fact that I came back with this face was a bit of a setup from an old enemy. It was more like I got paused mid-regeneration and I can feel the next one fighting to come through."
Rose and the Doctor both looked down as he said this and saw his hand pulse with energy and shift to a black hand and back to white again.
"Okay, so you obviously don't have long. I won't ask how you ended up here because I don't think we have time for that explanation, but...how are you? All these years, that's the main thing I've worried about. I knew one day you would regenerate and I'd never know, and I worried you'd be alone."
"Sometimes I have been. I've lost people. I've lost a lot of people. I found out I saved Gallifrey." The Doctor almost laughed at how wide Rose's eyes got at that point. "And then I lost it again two lifetimes later when the Master -- I'm guessing I've told you about him -- destroyed it when he discovered that the Time Lords had lied to us. We didn't get our regeneration gift naturally. They got it from me and then they scrubbed my memories -- whole lifetimes I may never remember -- and then they destroyed over half of the universe to cover up their mistake. I've blown up the TARDIS numerous times. Fell in love a couple of times..." The Doctor sheepishly looked up at Rose's face as he squeezed her hand. He was happy to see that she only smiled softly, squeezed his hand back with her right hand and used her left hand to brush his hair back from his forehead.
"What were your incarnations like? The ones after I last saw you, I mean?"
"Well, there was one who looked like a twenty year old professor who liked to wear tweed. You actually met him once -- he came to tutor you in maths back when you were in year 4 and I was so proud of how quickly you learned what you claimed made no sense -- and then I became an angry, white haired Scotsman, and then a young, blonde Yorkshire woman. And then I got this face again."
"You were a woman?"
"Yep!"
"Bet you were a babe."
"Oh, I'm always a dish, Rose Tyler." He paused. "I take it that is still your name, isn't it? I didn't make you Rose Smith or something when I married you, did I? Because that would be absolute rubbish! To work so hard to make you fall in love with me and save you from marrying Mickey Smith, only to saddle you with the same name."
"When you married me, you said, and I quote, 'You have always been and will always be Rose Tyler,' and then you asked if you could take my name. You had been going by John Noble on legal documents up until then, but you didn't have any sentimentality for the name, outside of your connection with Donna, so you didn't mind giving it up. I agreed that you could take my name as long as we could remember Donna through at least one of our children, if we ever had any."
"And then came Mia?"
"And then came Mia Donna Tyler."
"It's a shame this dimensional breakdown is only working with me because Mia has a cousin who I know would really love to meet her. I've spent the last few days getting to know Rose Noble and she is so much like you. One of the first things I heard her do was ask about an alien's pronouns. You would have loved her."
"I already do. Just listening to the way you talk about her."
"What's Mia like? Is she more like you or me? Just whatever you do, don't say she's like Jackie."
Rose laughed the loud belly laugh that always made the Doctor smile in response.
"Well, she's too smart for her own good, like you. She's more than a bit rude, like you. And she has a tendency to wander off, like me. She also cares about everyone and everything, like you."
"Oh no, Rose Tyler. That kind of caring isn't from me. That's all you."
"Agree to disagree on that one, love."
The Doctor seized again. He could feel his insides morphing, the change becoming insistent.
"What can I do, Doctor? What do you need?"
"Nothing. I just needed to see you. I need to tell you something. This particular incarnation has one thing about it that's very different from my previous self. I'm not afraid to say things anymore. I've lost too much now for it to scare me. I know now that not saying things doesn't help me let them go. I spent days wondering why this face came back. And I kept thinking I had figured it out and then I would be proved wrong. But I understand now.
"The last time I had this face, I didn't want to let go of it. And it made me a vengeful, frightening, reckless god and other people paid the price for it. But I didn't want to let go because I was terrified of what person I would become without you there. Because you had been there for me before I had even met you -- it's a long story, don't worry about it -- and I held on to you, to the memory of you and all the things I wanted to say that I was too afraid to, and as long as I had this face, I thought there was the possibility I would see you again. And then I saw you for the last time, do you remember?"
Rose furrowed her brow and tilted her head to the side in question.
"2005. January the First. I told you that you were going to have a really great year."
"Oh my god. I held on to that message from what I assumed was a drunk for months. Until I met you in Henrik's. Of course that was you. I can't believe I never put that together before. That was your voice. How did I never recognize it when you first changed?"
"Cognitive dissonance most likely. You weren't thinking at the time about the fact that one day I'd be without you, so why would it occur to you that I would ever go back in time to see you?
"Anyway, within hours of getting this face again, I found myself face to face with Donna, and then I met her daughter, Rose (whose name nearly gave me a hearts attack at first, let me tell you), and then I came across an enemy I haven't seen since just after I first left Gallifrey! But in these last few days, everything my Tenth self was terrified to say has come pouring out of my mouth. Any person I find attractive -- male or female -- I say it! The love I've always felt for Donna and her family? I've admitted it to them. The feelings I had for the wife I had after you -- River -- and for my friend, Yaz -- I've talked about them with other people and without having to be prompted!
"The one thing I haven't done is tell you -- my greatest love -- how I feel about you."
"Doctor, you don't have to ---"
"And I know you know. I know the version of me that is your husband tells you every day. I know because I would have even then, if I wasn't so afraid of what losing you a second time would inevitably do to me. But I need to say it. Not because I think you need to hear it. But because I need to say it for me. I need the memory of having the words come from my lips just one time."
Rose leaned over the Doctor's prostrate body. Her right hand disentangled itself from his and reached down over his face to caress his cheek. It was at that moment that the Doctor realised, much to his embarrassment, that he was crying.
"Then say it."
"I love you, Rose Tyler. I always have. And I always will."
"Quite right, too."
"I guess I deserve that one."
"Damn right, you do. But I love you, too, you daft alien."
The Doctor felt the heat under his skin start to itch the familiar tones away. Despite the pain, he was soothed by the briefest touch of Rose's lips against his own. It wasn't the passionate kiss he'd witnessed between she and his Metacrisis all those years before, and it wasn't what he had fantasized about for many a lonely night on the TARDIS, but it comforted him. This was the kiss from someone he loved and who loved him and he felt the warmth of it through every inch of his body and soul.
"Y'know, Rose Tyler...For the first time ever, I think I'm ready to go."
"Then I guess this is goodbye."
Rose's voice broke and the Doctor noted for the first time that she was crying. And oh, how that hurt him. Every time they said goodbye, she was crying for him. He just wished he could find some way to stop breaking her heart.
"Oh, it's never goodbye for you. This face will be coming through that door to greet you before you know it. It's never over for you. You get my forever, lucky girl."
"I am a lucky girl. Because you loved me enough to make sure I would get a happy ending you couldn't get. Know this, Doctor. I love you. All your friends love you. We will always love you and if you ever need any of us, no matter what face you wear or what trouble you bring to our door, you are always welcome. I may not have met all of your friends. But I know what kind of people you take with you, and I can guarantee you, you never have to miss any of us.
"Until we meet again. Goodbye, Doctor."
"Goodbye, my Rose."
The Doctor closed his eyes and felt Rose's lips once again chastely embrace his own. After a few moments, the warmth of her mouth faded, along with the solid build of her body. When the Doctor opened his eyes, he once again saw the familiar surroundings of Donna's living room. He still was not entirely positive if he had really slipped through dimensions or if he had merely fallen asleep, but the tingling in his lips from Rose's kiss made him inclined to believe the happier of the two options. After all, the Toymaker had shown him twice in his lifetime that reality is shaped by how people perceive it, and the Doctor's desire and will to see his former companion had been the strongest thing he had ever known.
In the quiet hours of the early morning, the Doctor slipped out of Donna's house and took the TARDIS to an isolated beach. As he stood outside, watching a sunrise in this too short regeneration for the last time, he smiled. As he had told Rose, for the first time that he could remember, he was ready to go.
Man, did it feel good to write again! If any Doctor/Rose fans are still present on this site, leave me a comment. I feel like I'm the only one still gaga over these two sometimes.
Hold Me Like You'll Never Let Me Go
The Doctor could feel the buzzing starting underneath his skin. Multiple times throughout his battle with the Toymaker, his next self had already come through; in truth, it was only by using the differing skill sets of both incarnations that the Doctor felt he was going to regenerate again and not just simply die. But, oh...he was now so, so tired. The artron energy shot through him again and he watched as reality flickered in and out around him.
The Doctor's legs gave out from under him and he collapsed on the sofa in Donna's house. His best friend and her family were all safe. They weren't unscathed, of course -- that was nigh on impossible when it came to playing inter-dimensional games with a Celestial being -- but they were alive and Donna could remember him. The Doctor even lied to himself for a moment and promised himself that he would come back and visit her with his next face, that a regeneration would not stop him from keeping up his friendship for once. But with the next burst of arton-induced pain, he stopped lying to himself. Donna would need to move on with her life and protect her daughter, Rose. As long as he kept showing up at her doorstep, she would be in danger. And Donna would never turn him away. And one day, she would let him in and it would be the time that would get her or someone close to her killed. No, the Doctor would tell Donna goodbye and then he'd slip away.
After a nap, maybe. Yeah, a nap sounded good.
He lay down on the couch and closed his eyes. Goodness, he was running through regenerations. This most recent one, even though it had been manipulated into its appearance by the Toymaker, had only lasted him a few days. As the Doctor thought about it and remembered that he had no idea how many new regenerations the Time Lords had gifted him with, he mentally schooled his future self to try to live as long as possible. His Thirteenth self had only lasted a few decades, and most of those she had been in prison. No, his next self needed to last at least three hundred years because otherwise he would be really dead before he could find a way to restore what he could of the universe. And he needed to fix what the Flux had destroyed.
When the Doctor coughed, even more energy burst from his lungs. As he lay on the couch in Donna's house, he couldn't help but remember another regeneration with the same face. *His* Rose had sat beside him then, dealing with an alien invasion while he had slept and healed himself. Up until Jackie had made him a nice cup of tea anyway. He had been so hopeful then. With his pink and yellow human beside him, he had felt like he could run forever, and he had foolishly thought that that particular Christmas would be a day that felt like every other day. But Rose was gone and she had been gone for millions of years. However, over the previous few days, the Doctor had seen his old face return, come across one of his oldest enemies he had never thought to see again, had gone on an adventure with his best friend again and seen his old friend Mel working at UNIT. Why couldn't he see the love of his lives show up again, too? The Doctor smiled a bit at the thought.
He tried to picture what his Rose would be like now. He imagined his Metacrisis self would look a lot like his fully Time Lord self currently did. He would be thinner in the face, a bit more salt and pepper in his hair, and he would probably have to wear glasses because he needed them and not just to look clever. Rose, he was sure, would be beautiful. He hoped she would have laughter lines around her mouth and crow's feet at her eyes. He also hoped that by this point in their lives, Rose would have a couple of rings on her finger. Maybe they even had children together! The more he thought about it, the more clear the image became in his mind. He was sure that if he thought about it long enough, he'd even be able to hear her voice.
Even sooner than he could have hoped, his imagination provided him with a crystal clear rendition of an older Rose Tyler's voice.
"Yes, Mia, you can stay the night at Yvonne's. Just don't...I know you get tired of me telling you to stay away from the Cybus kiosks, but it's better than listening to your dad tell you the entirety of that adventure over again, isn't it? And it's definitely better than having to listen to your Granddad's rendition of the tale... Yes. Yes, I will tell your father you love him. Yep. Yep. Be good and I'll see you tomorrow. Love you, darlin'. Goodnight, sweetheart."
The Doctor kept his eyes closed. He had pictured his former love's voice many times over the centuries and this was as clear as it had ever been. Her voice was a bit scratchier than he remembered, and she spoke with a much more cultured tone than she'd had at 19 years old. His mind had even taken the motherly tone he'd heard Donna use with her daughter and molded it on to Rose's and it melted his heart completely. If his imagination was right and Rose was a mother, then Rose was a remarkable one he was sure. Definitely a better mother than he was a father.
"Oi! Sleepy head, it's time to get up! Aliens to battle and young, teenage girls to raise. Though you get a bit of a break on that one this evening. Lucky you."
The Doctor felt Donna nudge his foot. He tried to raise his head, but felt no desire to open his eyes. Donna's words could match Rose's voice if he kept his eyes closed. But if he opened them, then the fantasy was over and his regeneration would knock away all the happiness he had brought back to himself over the previous few days.
"Doctor! Wake up, you numpty!"
"Sorry, Donna, I just really wanted to rest my eyes."
"Donna? Have you been dreaming again, Doctor?"
The Doctor forced his eyes open. His imagination had done a very good job constructing a realistic fantasy. The Doctor's eyes were looking up at a pair of honey brown eyes framed by light brown hair and a face that was rounder than he last remembered seeing it four lifetimes previously, and a body that possessed less curves than he remembered, but that looked healthy and warm.
The Time Lord then moved his eyes around the room as much as he could without moving his head. He was no longer in Donna's house. Instead, he was in a living room painted a dark blue and in the window over Rose's shoulder, he could just glimpse a zeppelin floating across the London skyline. As with his best friend's home, fantasy Rose's house looked lived in and comfortable, with various knick knacks spread across the coffee table adjacent to the couch and what the Doctor guessed was a television mounted on the wall. It looked like the flat screen he was familiar with in the 21st century, but was see through instead of black.
The Doctor praised his clear memory of everything Rose Tyler related because he adored that the fantasy version of her managed to raise her eyebrows at him exactly the way her real counterpart had always done. He had often feared that his memory of her was fading, but everything about her at this moment was in high definition visual and stereo sound. He theorised that maybe his regeneration sickness was helping to make his illusions more detailed.
"You feeling okay, love? You're staring at me like I've grown another head. And of the two of us, I'm the one least likely to do that."
"Rose," he muttered. It was a name he'd said multiple times over the previous few days, and after centuries of not saying it at all if he (or she) could help it, it felt like a revelation to be saying it to the face that word always conjured to mind. Without warning, he was seized with pain again and he saw the regeneration energy encircle his hand.
His illusory Rose stood up, her eyes going wide as she stared down at him.
"Oh my god, you're regenerating! How are you regenerating? I thought you couldn't regenerate! Does this mean Mia can regenerate? Wait, why are you regenerating? You didn't even go into Big Ben today! I know you didn't because Mum was complaining that you weren't around to stop Melvin disrespecting her when he came through the canteen earlier today. What did you do? Pick a fight with a Weevil? No, you couldn't have done. No bite marks or anything. Doctor, answer me. What's happened? What do I tell Mia when she asks me why her father looks like a completely different person when she gets home tomorrow? Oh god, what happens if you go full alien?"
The Doctor wanted to answer her, but in addition to not being left any room or space to throw his voice into the ring, he was also taken aback by how detailed his mind was being about the kinds of questions a parent version of Rose would ask. As he breathed out more energy, he saw the room and Rose flicker in and out, the flashes interspersed with Donna's living room.
"Wait," Rose said, her voice slowing down and getting softer as she sat down on the edge of the couch next to the Doctor's torso, her hand reaching out to grab the Doctor's own. The Doctor held his breath as he felt two warm fingers reach down to his wrist and put themselves against his pulse. The Doctor allowed his dark brown eyes to meet the lighter brown of Rose's as she then put both her palms against the two sides of the Doctor's chest and felt his heartsbeat. "Doctor," she muttered softly.
"Hello, Rose Tyler," he whispered. Rose took in a shaky breath as the Doctor let out another cloud of energy. The room flickered again, but the Doctor noted that the warmth of Rose's skin was still present against his own body. The Doctor couldn't help but acknowledge the truth then. His imagination was good, but it wasn't as flawless as what his senses were telling him now. He didn't understand fully how it had happened -- doubtless the Celestial Toymaker's machinations with dimensions had thrown things briefly out of whack at the quantum mechanical level and the Doctor was reaping the most unbelievable benefits from it. He may be regenerating, but he was getting one last wish out of the bargain. Oh, if his Tenth self could see him now. His tired, regeneration sick mind couldn't quite work out all the whys and wherefores, but he knew a gift from the universe when he saw it, and damn it, he was going to take advantage of it.
"I should have known it was you and not my husband. You have a slightly different dress sense than he does. Oh, and the wedding ring is missing, of course."
"Of course," the Doctor agreed. His eyes went down to her hand and he smiled to see that his Metacrisis had done what the Time Lord had always dreamed of doing and made a full life with his favorite human woman.
"So, I take it you were with Donna still when you found yourself here. Is that why you thought I was her?"
"Well, more like with Donna again. It's complicated."
"Oh, of course it is. Wouldn't be you if it was simple."
The Doctor watched Rose as she took in his ensemble and his face after all their years of separation.
"Wow. You and my husband look exactly the same in the face. I mean, I know you did last time we saw each other, but I didn't think you'd age. God, how many years has it been? I mean, it has to have been awhile because you've changed your outfit a bit and I didn't think you did that very often."
"Oh, I'm not the same incarnation you remember. I've regenerated a few times since we last met. Ended up with this face again earlier this week, but it turned out the fact that I came back with this face was a bit of a setup from an old enemy. It was more like I got paused mid-regeneration and I can feel the next one fighting to come through."
Rose and the Doctor both looked down as he said this and saw his hand pulse with energy and shift to a black hand and back to white again.
"Okay, so you obviously don't have long. I won't ask how you ended up here because I don't think we have time for that explanation, but...how are you? All these years, that's the main thing I've worried about. I knew one day you would regenerate and I'd never know, and I worried you'd be alone."
"Sometimes I have been. I've lost people. I've lost a lot of people. I found out I saved Gallifrey." The Doctor almost laughed at how wide Rose's eyes got at that point. "And then I lost it again two lifetimes later when the Master -- I'm guessing I've told you about him -- destroyed it when he discovered that the Time Lords had lied to us. We didn't get our regeneration gift naturally. They got it from me and then they scrubbed my memories -- whole lifetimes I may never remember -- and then they destroyed over half of the universe to cover up their mistake. I've blown up the TARDIS numerous times. Fell in love a couple of times..." The Doctor sheepishly looked up at Rose's face as he squeezed her hand. He was happy to see that she only smiled softly, squeezed his hand back with her right hand and used her left hand to brush his hair back from his forehead.
"What were your incarnations like? The ones after I last saw you, I mean?"
"Well, there was one who looked like a twenty year old professor who liked to wear tweed. You actually met him once -- he came to tutor you in maths back when you were in year 4 and I was so proud of how quickly you learned what you claimed made no sense -- and then I became an angry, white haired Scotsman, and then a young, blonde Yorkshire woman. And then I got this face again."
"You were a woman?"
"Yep!"
"Bet you were a babe."
"Oh, I'm always a dish, Rose Tyler." He paused. "I take it that is still your name, isn't it? I didn't make you Rose Smith or something when I married you, did I? Because that would be absolute rubbish! To work so hard to make you fall in love with me and save you from marrying Mickey Smith, only to saddle you with the same name."
"When you married me, you said, and I quote, 'You have always been and will always be Rose Tyler,' and then you asked if you could take my name. You had been going by John Noble on legal documents up until then, but you didn't have any sentimentality for the name, outside of your connection with Donna, so you didn't mind giving it up. I agreed that you could take my name as long as we could remember Donna through at least one of our children, if we ever had any."
"And then came Mia?"
"And then came Mia Donna Tyler."
"It's a shame this dimensional breakdown is only working with me because Mia has a cousin who I know would really love to meet her. I've spent the last few days getting to know Rose Noble and she is so much like you. One of the first things I heard her do was ask about an alien's pronouns. You would have loved her."
"I already do. Just listening to the way you talk about her."
"What's Mia like? Is she more like you or me? Just whatever you do, don't say she's like Jackie."
Rose laughed the loud belly laugh that always made the Doctor smile in response.
"Well, she's too smart for her own good, like you. She's more than a bit rude, like you. And she has a tendency to wander off, like me. She also cares about everyone and everything, like you."
"Oh no, Rose Tyler. That kind of caring isn't from me. That's all you."
"Agree to disagree on that one, love."
The Doctor seized again. He could feel his insides morphing, the change becoming insistent.
"What can I do, Doctor? What do you need?"
"Nothing. I just needed to see you. I need to tell you something. This particular incarnation has one thing about it that's very different from my previous self. I'm not afraid to say things anymore. I've lost too much now for it to scare me. I know now that not saying things doesn't help me let them go. I spent days wondering why this face came back. And I kept thinking I had figured it out and then I would be proved wrong. But I understand now.
"The last time I had this face, I didn't want to let go of it. And it made me a vengeful, frightening, reckless god and other people paid the price for it. But I didn't want to let go because I was terrified of what person I would become without you there. Because you had been there for me before I had even met you -- it's a long story, don't worry about it -- and I held on to you, to the memory of you and all the things I wanted to say that I was too afraid to, and as long as I had this face, I thought there was the possibility I would see you again. And then I saw you for the last time, do you remember?"
Rose furrowed her brow and tilted her head to the side in question.
"2005. January the First. I told you that you were going to have a really great year."
"Oh my god. I held on to that message from what I assumed was a drunk for months. Until I met you in Henrik's. Of course that was you. I can't believe I never put that together before. That was your voice. How did I never recognize it when you first changed?"
"Cognitive dissonance most likely. You weren't thinking at the time about the fact that one day I'd be without you, so why would it occur to you that I would ever go back in time to see you?
"Anyway, within hours of getting this face again, I found myself face to face with Donna, and then I met her daughter, Rose (whose name nearly gave me a hearts attack at first, let me tell you), and then I came across an enemy I haven't seen since just after I first left Gallifrey! But in these last few days, everything my Tenth self was terrified to say has come pouring out of my mouth. Any person I find attractive -- male or female -- I say it! The love I've always felt for Donna and her family? I've admitted it to them. The feelings I had for the wife I had after you -- River -- and for my friend, Yaz -- I've talked about them with other people and without having to be prompted!
"The one thing I haven't done is tell you -- my greatest love -- how I feel about you."
"Doctor, you don't have to ---"
"And I know you know. I know the version of me that is your husband tells you every day. I know because I would have even then, if I wasn't so afraid of what losing you a second time would inevitably do to me. But I need to say it. Not because I think you need to hear it. But because I need to say it for me. I need the memory of having the words come from my lips just one time."
Rose leaned over the Doctor's prostrate body. Her right hand disentangled itself from his and reached down over his face to caress his cheek. It was at that moment that the Doctor realised, much to his embarrassment, that he was crying.
"Then say it."
"I love you, Rose Tyler. I always have. And I always will."
"Quite right, too."
"I guess I deserve that one."
"Damn right, you do. But I love you, too, you daft alien."
The Doctor felt the heat under his skin start to itch the familiar tones away. Despite the pain, he was soothed by the briefest touch of Rose's lips against his own. It wasn't the passionate kiss he'd witnessed between she and his Metacrisis all those years before, and it wasn't what he had fantasized about for many a lonely night on the TARDIS, but it comforted him. This was the kiss from someone he loved and who loved him and he felt the warmth of it through every inch of his body and soul.
"Y'know, Rose Tyler...For the first time ever, I think I'm ready to go."
"Then I guess this is goodbye."
Rose's voice broke and the Doctor noted for the first time that she was crying. And oh, how that hurt him. Every time they said goodbye, she was crying for him. He just wished he could find some way to stop breaking her heart.
"Oh, it's never goodbye for you. This face will be coming through that door to greet you before you know it. It's never over for you. You get my forever, lucky girl."
"I am a lucky girl. Because you loved me enough to make sure I would get a happy ending you couldn't get. Know this, Doctor. I love you. All your friends love you. We will always love you and if you ever need any of us, no matter what face you wear or what trouble you bring to our door, you are always welcome. I may not have met all of your friends. But I know what kind of people you take with you, and I can guarantee you, you never have to miss any of us.
"Until we meet again. Goodbye, Doctor."
"Goodbye, my Rose."
The Doctor closed his eyes and felt Rose's lips once again chastely embrace his own. After a few moments, the warmth of her mouth faded, along with the solid build of her body. When the Doctor opened his eyes, he once again saw the familiar surroundings of Donna's living room. He still was not entirely positive if he had really slipped through dimensions or if he had merely fallen asleep, but the tingling in his lips from Rose's kiss made him inclined to believe the happier of the two options. After all, the Toymaker had shown him twice in his lifetime that reality is shaped by how people perceive it, and the Doctor's desire and will to see his former companion had been the strongest thing he had ever known.
In the quiet hours of the early morning, the Doctor slipped out of Donna's house and took the TARDIS to an isolated beach. As he stood outside, watching a sunrise in this too short regeneration for the last time, he smiled. As he had told Rose, for the first time that he could remember, he was ready to go.