what does an angel say the devil wants to know?
Today I have gotten myself off to the piont of pain and exhaustion. Even as i type my fingers are weak and unsure, skittering over the letters and frequently missing their target. I just realized i still spell "point" incorrectly. I haven't indulged myself this many times in a day since i first discovered the art of self love. Perhaps it's because the emotional turmoil of the past two days has driven me to seek release. There is no release like an orgasm - a good orgasm allows you to let go physically, mentally, emotionallly, spiritually, and so on and so on. i feel released.
I also feel drained... and drained is better than sad, angry, violent, and hurt. Those were last nights feelings though, now i'm only pissed when i think of certain little things that refuse to bury themselves in mind just yet. Today was much better though. I actually had a wonderful time without him (only because i knew he was coming back whenever i wanted him to.)Last night i had the whole bed to myself and it felt so warm and safe. It was MY bed instead of OUR bed. Today i woke up and I bought good books and took myself out to lunch. I shopped for winter clothes (for Ireland) and found one lonely sweater at a good price. Because we live in hawaii, all of our sales on winter clothes begin in January and end in February so now i'm left with crap to choose from. I came home and got myself off and then I met erik for a delicouse dinner. I dropped him back off at his forced home away from home and came home and read, and studied, and watched a movie and got myself off yet again. It's almost midnight, i'm not tired and I dont have to be because erik is not here needing to get to bed early so we can both get up early so i can drive him to work at 7:30 am.
Even though I know we are staying together for now i keep thinking about what life would be like if i was single again. It would be good. I am happy in my relationship (most of the time) but i also know that i feel just as happy and fullfilled on my own. There are things you loose and other things that you gain when you enter into a union with another. the same is true of being single. In a relationship you sacrifice some of your autonomy and sense of self as you become a half of another. Single, you loose the assurence of constant companionship, sex, and familiarity but you gain a greater freedom to be your true self and embrace more opportunities.
Je veux la vie, l'amour, et le monde. Je veux tout.
I also feel drained... and drained is better than sad, angry, violent, and hurt. Those were last nights feelings though, now i'm only pissed when i think of certain little things that refuse to bury themselves in mind just yet. Today was much better though. I actually had a wonderful time without him (only because i knew he was coming back whenever i wanted him to.)Last night i had the whole bed to myself and it felt so warm and safe. It was MY bed instead of OUR bed. Today i woke up and I bought good books and took myself out to lunch. I shopped for winter clothes (for Ireland) and found one lonely sweater at a good price. Because we live in hawaii, all of our sales on winter clothes begin in January and end in February so now i'm left with crap to choose from. I came home and got myself off and then I met erik for a delicouse dinner. I dropped him back off at his forced home away from home and came home and read, and studied, and watched a movie and got myself off yet again. It's almost midnight, i'm not tired and I dont have to be because erik is not here needing to get to bed early so we can both get up early so i can drive him to work at 7:30 am.
Even though I know we are staying together for now i keep thinking about what life would be like if i was single again. It would be good. I am happy in my relationship (most of the time) but i also know that i feel just as happy and fullfilled on my own. There are things you loose and other things that you gain when you enter into a union with another. the same is true of being single. In a relationship you sacrifice some of your autonomy and sense of self as you become a half of another. Single, you loose the assurence of constant companionship, sex, and familiarity but you gain a greater freedom to be your true self and embrace more opportunities.
Je veux la vie, l'amour, et le monde. Je veux tout.