This puzzle has far too many missing pieces
Forewarning: This entry was written in Wordpad after I read something about fear of success and stepping outside of our comfort zones. It's long (even for me) and perhaps somewhat disjointed...
I tend to talk myself out of things before I even really try. For some months, I talked myself out of re-applying for JET. Thankfully though, the more I thought about it, the more I felt I should give at another go. Besides, what did I have to lose? It would either make things better or put me back right where I was pre-application process. As JET notification gets closer and closer, I'm trying to stop myself from slipping into a negative mindset. Part of me is going "I don't know how to/can not do this job, I don't know how to represent my country, American culture, etc etc" while another smaller part is going "I can do this. I can teach these young adults the basic, somewhat conversational English skills they need for their exams. I can teach to some extent about American culture/social norms just by being me. I can make their school days better by offering motivation, someone to talk to, by being cheerful and encouraging." The hopeful voice is much quieter than the pessimistic voice, the doubts attacking it until it's barely a whisper. And I don't know how to fix this.
I think, "well, I need to distract myself"... but I tend to run away from issues, so I worry (there's that word again!) that this is just me trying to not have to deal with it. But then I think, "well, there isn't much I can do at this point other than try to not let the negativity get me and go outside, enjoy the warmer weather, get some exercise, clean my room, throw out most of this old stuff I've had sitting around for the last ten years or so of my life just because I might need it or want it."
And I think some of it is linked to the general uncertainty I feel about my future. I know on a somewhat-more-rational level that I don't really need to know exactly what I want to do with my life right this second but I still feel like I do. I feel like I have no direction and I don't like that. My life thus far has been a logical progression through the education system but now I'm out of my element and I don't know what I'm doing. The me that tends to run away is the voice that says "just go to grad school" because then I don't have to deal with so many unknowns. Yes, grad school is different than undergrad, but it's still the academic sphere, the only world I really feel comfortable occupying. And once again, I hit that fear of the unknown, the unwillingness to step out of my comfort zone. And yet, I'm pretty okay with going to foreign countries and working/living there... I don't understand my brain >.< I also know that I am not ready for graduate school. I don't have the life skills, experiences, or the discipline to tackle that beast yet. Plus, I'm not even sure what I really want to study there. I seem to be on some funky rotation between continuing Japanese, pursuing a Masters in Information Science, and getting Education/Teaching degree/ESL certification tracks.
And in the midst of all the doubts swirling about, the voices saying JET won't want me and even if they did, I couldn't do the job well, I still feel JET is what I have to do. It is the essential piece in the puzzle. I've planned to do JET for the last six or so years but I didn't truly understand how important it was to me until I didn't get it last year. Even though I'm frightened about getting the job, I'm much more scared about not getting the job. I know that some trepidation is normal, everyone (or at least, I think everyone) feels some concern when they make a big change/life decision and I know I can and will adjust. I know that I could be really good at this. Yet now, as it gets closer and closer to notification, I fear more and more that I won't be given that chance, that I didn't show the interviewers how much I could offer, how I would put in 150%, that I needed to do this, to have an impact on young adults lives, to have this stepping stone to my future in place.
And I feel so selfish because so much of why I want this job is about me and I don't think it should be. It shouldn't be about me getting to live in Japan, me earning money, me improving my Japanese, me figuring out what I'm doing with my life. It shouldn't. Journal, do others have this issue? Not only is there the positive thoughts/negative thoughts battle inside me, there's also a battle of selflessness vs selfishness. Or at least, that's how I perceive it. The more I want something or the more value I place on it, the more I feel like whatever it is is selfish. But I know, rationally, that you can't just give and give and give. At some point, you give away too much. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish... I do, technically, know this, but as they say, things are always different in practice than they are in theory.
I already have issues because I have some pretty high standards as to how people should treat others, despite my fears that I can be a hypocrite at times >.< Or as my mom would put it, I'm too critical. And somehow, even though I know it isn't the case, I tend to go about life and/or do things thinking others are on the same page as me. And sometimes, when I "give", I don't want any acknowledgment; I just want to give and have it be accepted, no thanks/fanfare necessary. Yet other times, when I give and it isn't noticed or the other shows no gratitude whatsoever, a part of me sort of me frowns and feels disappointed; "What's the problem? Did I not do/give enough?," it says. And shortly after that, yet another part of me goes "why are you expecting something in return? That's not being kind or selfless, that's being selfish." Is there any middle ground? Because I fear I am so selfish, Journal. Sometimes I worry that's why I think I don't need a relationship; I'm too selfish to want to compromise with another person, to have to fit into their life rather than just live mine. I am unwilling to change myself and I've been taught that, at least on some level, this is necessary for a relationship to work. That, or I just need to find a soul that's just as independent as I am, so we can co-exist and share, yet remain on most levels separate. And as I glance back at this paragraph, I think "does this all just boil down to low self-esteem and self-confidence? And do I care far too much what others think?" Sigh.
As I've managed to veer completely off the topic of JET, I guess I'll just stop here. In short, and getting briefly back on topic:,I feel I need to do JET, even if it seems selfish or frightening. It's the most important piece of the puzzle and without it, I have no idea how to fit the other pieces together.
I tend to talk myself out of things before I even really try. For some months, I talked myself out of re-applying for JET. Thankfully though, the more I thought about it, the more I felt I should give at another go. Besides, what did I have to lose? It would either make things better or put me back right where I was pre-application process. As JET notification gets closer and closer, I'm trying to stop myself from slipping into a negative mindset. Part of me is going "I don't know how to/can not do this job, I don't know how to represent my country, American culture, etc etc" while another smaller part is going "I can do this. I can teach these young adults the basic, somewhat conversational English skills they need for their exams. I can teach to some extent about American culture/social norms just by being me. I can make their school days better by offering motivation, someone to talk to, by being cheerful and encouraging." The hopeful voice is much quieter than the pessimistic voice, the doubts attacking it until it's barely a whisper. And I don't know how to fix this.
I think, "well, I need to distract myself"... but I tend to run away from issues, so I worry (there's that word again!) that this is just me trying to not have to deal with it. But then I think, "well, there isn't much I can do at this point other than try to not let the negativity get me and go outside, enjoy the warmer weather, get some exercise, clean my room, throw out most of this old stuff I've had sitting around for the last ten years or so of my life just because I might need it or want it."
And I think some of it is linked to the general uncertainty I feel about my future. I know on a somewhat-more-rational level that I don't really need to know exactly what I want to do with my life right this second but I still feel like I do. I feel like I have no direction and I don't like that. My life thus far has been a logical progression through the education system but now I'm out of my element and I don't know what I'm doing. The me that tends to run away is the voice that says "just go to grad school" because then I don't have to deal with so many unknowns. Yes, grad school is different than undergrad, but it's still the academic sphere, the only world I really feel comfortable occupying. And once again, I hit that fear of the unknown, the unwillingness to step out of my comfort zone. And yet, I'm pretty okay with going to foreign countries and working/living there... I don't understand my brain >.< I also know that I am not ready for graduate school. I don't have the life skills, experiences, or the discipline to tackle that beast yet. Plus, I'm not even sure what I really want to study there. I seem to be on some funky rotation between continuing Japanese, pursuing a Masters in Information Science, and getting Education/Teaching degree/ESL certification tracks.
And in the midst of all the doubts swirling about, the voices saying JET won't want me and even if they did, I couldn't do the job well, I still feel JET is what I have to do. It is the essential piece in the puzzle. I've planned to do JET for the last six or so years but I didn't truly understand how important it was to me until I didn't get it last year. Even though I'm frightened about getting the job, I'm much more scared about not getting the job. I know that some trepidation is normal, everyone (or at least, I think everyone) feels some concern when they make a big change/life decision and I know I can and will adjust. I know that I could be really good at this. Yet now, as it gets closer and closer to notification, I fear more and more that I won't be given that chance, that I didn't show the interviewers how much I could offer, how I would put in 150%, that I needed to do this, to have an impact on young adults lives, to have this stepping stone to my future in place.
And I feel so selfish because so much of why I want this job is about me and I don't think it should be. It shouldn't be about me getting to live in Japan, me earning money, me improving my Japanese, me figuring out what I'm doing with my life. It shouldn't. Journal, do others have this issue? Not only is there the positive thoughts/negative thoughts battle inside me, there's also a battle of selflessness vs selfishness. Or at least, that's how I perceive it. The more I want something or the more value I place on it, the more I feel like whatever it is is selfish. But I know, rationally, that you can't just give and give and give. At some point, you give away too much. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish... I do, technically, know this, but as they say, things are always different in practice than they are in theory.
I already have issues because I have some pretty high standards as to how people should treat others, despite my fears that I can be a hypocrite at times >.< Or as my mom would put it, I'm too critical. And somehow, even though I know it isn't the case, I tend to go about life and/or do things thinking others are on the same page as me. And sometimes, when I "give", I don't want any acknowledgment; I just want to give and have it be accepted, no thanks/fanfare necessary. Yet other times, when I give and it isn't noticed or the other shows no gratitude whatsoever, a part of me sort of me frowns and feels disappointed; "What's the problem? Did I not do/give enough?," it says. And shortly after that, yet another part of me goes "why are you expecting something in return? That's not being kind or selfless, that's being selfish." Is there any middle ground? Because I fear I am so selfish, Journal. Sometimes I worry that's why I think I don't need a relationship; I'm too selfish to want to compromise with another person, to have to fit into their life rather than just live mine. I am unwilling to change myself and I've been taught that, at least on some level, this is necessary for a relationship to work. That, or I just need to find a soul that's just as independent as I am, so we can co-exist and share, yet remain on most levels separate. And as I glance back at this paragraph, I think "does this all just boil down to low self-esteem and self-confidence? And do I care far too much what others think?" Sigh.
As I've managed to veer completely off the topic of JET, I guess I'll just stop here. In short, and getting briefly back on topic:,I feel I need to do JET, even if it seems selfish or frightening. It's the most important piece of the puzzle and without it, I have no idea how to fit the other pieces together.