4am musings
So it's nearing 4am and after a somewhat lengthy one-sided convo with The Universe, I can't sleep. I think I'm having a harder time with this post-college transition than I'm willing to admit.
Over the last couple weeks I've accomplished very little and I've been a bad friend to at least four people along the way. I think I've been trying to break ties or something... somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that I needed to sever ties with the past to move forward. I realize this is completely retarded. Without the past, there is no present and no future to move on to. I don't know why I've neglected so many people who've been such a large part of my life these last four years (and ten in one case) but starting tomorrow I'm going to try and mend any damage I've done.
I know that part of the problem is cowardice. If something is uncomfortable/hard, my first reaction is to avoid, run away, think about/deal with the consequences later. This is not a good strategy, I know this, but it's how I operate. I need to work on this as it's especially bad when applied to human relations. I haven't talked with my first host mom since October of last year. She sent me a Christmas present and I didn't even send her a thank you email. I kept telling myself "I'll do it when I get back to the US" and I didn't. Spring semester started and I kept reminding myself, "you need to email Kaori, you need to email Kaori" but I didn't. And now so much time has passed and I feel like such a sad excuse for a decent human being that I just want to avoid the whole situation and not contact her, which is horrible! I'm not doing much better with okaa-san either as I last spoke to her in early April. Aaaand I haven't spoken to my friend Julie in a couple months. I told myself "I'll look up the time difference between France and the US and then talk with her on SKype"... that was over a week ago. Why can't I be like most people and actually maintain contact with those that are important to me?
I think at the root of some of these issue is my JET rejection. I know logically that rejection is a part of life, you don't always get what you want. But I think this was the first time I didn't get something I really wanted. You'd think a 21 year old would be able to handle it, but sometimes I feel I'm at least five years behind in my abilities for dealing with what life throws at me. This is one of those times. I know I have to move on. I tell myself that I can't count on having a job with JET, I'm an alternate and the chances they'll call me are practically zero, but the chance is there.... and that's the problem. As much as I tell myself I need to hunt for jobs, I need to figure out what I'm doing with myself, a part of me is still clutching at straws and waiting for a phone call that may never come but whose possiblity haunts me. JET was supposed to be the next 'change' and I'm waiting for it to swoop in and 'save' me. It's like I'm in some sort of prolonged, JET-inspired depression of sorts...which is sad in and of itself. I didn't think I got depressed. Hell, I still don't think I'm depressed... perhaps I'm in denial.
Thinking back over my life, I've enjoyed change. I liked going to middle school, to high school, to UNC, and to Japan twice. I enjoyed my new experiences but now I'm just sitting here. I'm not moving forward, there's no 'change' in sight, and rather than be proactive about it, I've done nothing. I know that part of the problem is that I don't know what I want. Before, there was a path. Now there is not. Now it's all up to me and I've never been good at making decisions. I have vague desires that go in so many different directions and no idea which to pursue or how to get there and so I don't. I was listening to Lenka's 'Live Like You're Dying' earlier and I know that's what I need to do, I just need to find the motivation to get off my ass.
I need to be away from home, and not in the NC way. I think I need to leave my United-States-home. I'm not ready for a career and my pride won't let me take up some temp/secretarial position. I've considered teaching at an English conversation school in Japan or teaching English in Korea, but so far haven't been particularly inspired to further pursue either. At the moment, I'm thinking about joining Peace Corps. I'm not sure I could do it, or if they'd even want me, but I'm going to look into it. It would be mentally and physically challenging, as well as defer my loans until I can figure out what in the world I'm doing with my life. I need change and I need to do something. Though this isn't the attitude to have going into something like this, it's the only motivation I have right now.
Things to do tomorrow:
1. Shower
2. Call Becbecs, Ross, Bethany, and Crystal
3. Start composing a letter to Kaori & email to okaa-san
4. CLEAN like a mad woman
5. Mail FBI background check & IRS form to JET (y'know, just in case... >.<)
Well journal, I guess I'll try going to sleep. Again. Maybe I'll have better luck this time.... and if not, I guess I'll grab an extremely early breakfast and start tackling my To Do list.
<3 Alicia
Over the last couple weeks I've accomplished very little and I've been a bad friend to at least four people along the way. I think I've been trying to break ties or something... somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that I needed to sever ties with the past to move forward. I realize this is completely retarded. Without the past, there is no present and no future to move on to. I don't know why I've neglected so many people who've been such a large part of my life these last four years (and ten in one case) but starting tomorrow I'm going to try and mend any damage I've done.
I know that part of the problem is cowardice. If something is uncomfortable/hard, my first reaction is to avoid, run away, think about/deal with the consequences later. This is not a good strategy, I know this, but it's how I operate. I need to work on this as it's especially bad when applied to human relations. I haven't talked with my first host mom since October of last year. She sent me a Christmas present and I didn't even send her a thank you email. I kept telling myself "I'll do it when I get back to the US" and I didn't. Spring semester started and I kept reminding myself, "you need to email Kaori, you need to email Kaori" but I didn't. And now so much time has passed and I feel like such a sad excuse for a decent human being that I just want to avoid the whole situation and not contact her, which is horrible! I'm not doing much better with okaa-san either as I last spoke to her in early April. Aaaand I haven't spoken to my friend Julie in a couple months. I told myself "I'll look up the time difference between France and the US and then talk with her on SKype"... that was over a week ago. Why can't I be like most people and actually maintain contact with those that are important to me?
I think at the root of some of these issue is my JET rejection. I know logically that rejection is a part of life, you don't always get what you want. But I think this was the first time I didn't get something I really wanted. You'd think a 21 year old would be able to handle it, but sometimes I feel I'm at least five years behind in my abilities for dealing with what life throws at me. This is one of those times. I know I have to move on. I tell myself that I can't count on having a job with JET, I'm an alternate and the chances they'll call me are practically zero, but the chance is there.... and that's the problem. As much as I tell myself I need to hunt for jobs, I need to figure out what I'm doing with myself, a part of me is still clutching at straws and waiting for a phone call that may never come but whose possiblity haunts me. JET was supposed to be the next 'change' and I'm waiting for it to swoop in and 'save' me. It's like I'm in some sort of prolonged, JET-inspired depression of sorts...which is sad in and of itself. I didn't think I got depressed. Hell, I still don't think I'm depressed... perhaps I'm in denial.
Thinking back over my life, I've enjoyed change. I liked going to middle school, to high school, to UNC, and to Japan twice. I enjoyed my new experiences but now I'm just sitting here. I'm not moving forward, there's no 'change' in sight, and rather than be proactive about it, I've done nothing. I know that part of the problem is that I don't know what I want. Before, there was a path. Now there is not. Now it's all up to me and I've never been good at making decisions. I have vague desires that go in so many different directions and no idea which to pursue or how to get there and so I don't. I was listening to Lenka's 'Live Like You're Dying' earlier and I know that's what I need to do, I just need to find the motivation to get off my ass.
I need to be away from home, and not in the NC way. I think I need to leave my United-States-home. I'm not ready for a career and my pride won't let me take up some temp/secretarial position. I've considered teaching at an English conversation school in Japan or teaching English in Korea, but so far haven't been particularly inspired to further pursue either. At the moment, I'm thinking about joining Peace Corps. I'm not sure I could do it, or if they'd even want me, but I'm going to look into it. It would be mentally and physically challenging, as well as defer my loans until I can figure out what in the world I'm doing with my life. I need change and I need to do something. Though this isn't the attitude to have going into something like this, it's the only motivation I have right now.
Things to do tomorrow:
1. Shower
2. Call Becbecs, Ross, Bethany, and Crystal
3. Start composing a letter to Kaori & email to okaa-san
4. CLEAN like a mad woman
5. Mail FBI background check & IRS form to JET (y'know, just in case... >.<)
Well journal, I guess I'll try going to sleep. Again. Maybe I'll have better luck this time.... and if not, I guess I'll grab an extremely early breakfast and start tackling my To Do list.
<3 Alicia