Waiting, Book 1, Chapter 2
The hell Matt had been living is finally over. Ken is out of Matt's life for good. Matt can now put everything behind him and start over. But a certain gang seems to think differently... Taito. Sequel to Untold Secrets, but works as stand alone.
Digimon - NC-17 - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 99633 - Updated: 11-21-05 - Published: 11-01-01
Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine. The song, Bokura no Digital World, is not mine. That is all. Translation from Megchan's site.
--->Translation:
|You wished on a shooting star
|That you would meet some true friends
|It's a rough road, without even a map
|An unending, eternal adventure|
Waiting
Chapter 2-Shooting Stars
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
*sequel to Untold Secrets*
|Nagareru hoshi ni negai wo kaketa
|Honto no nakama deaeru you ni
|Dekoboko michi de chizu sae nai yo
|Owaru koto naku hateshinai adobencha|
"Yeah. You see... I'm in love with you."
I stared at the brunette next to me in complete and utter shock, my mind having not completely processed that statement yet.
"You're... You're in love with me?" my shocked voice croaked out.
He nodded, his eyes beginning to fill with sad tears.
"Yeah. Oh Matt, I'm so sorry, I really am, I'm so stupid.... I shouldn't have ever fallen in love with you, I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry... please don't hate me...I can understand if you don't want to talk to me ever again, but please don't hate me Matt...."
"Tai," I said fondly. "Thank you."
He stopped his incessant babbling at once. "What?"
"Thank you," I repeated softly.
"F-For what?"
I smiled. "Thank you for telling me. I'm glad you had the courage, and you have no idea how glad it makes me to hear that."
"So... You don't hate me?" he ventured cautiously.
"No idiot, of course I don't hate you."
He let out a sigh of relief.
"But," I went on, "I- .... I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship just yet. I ... I do like you too, but...." I shrugged helplessly, not quite sure how to word what I was feeling.
"I'll wait," Tai said. "For however it long it takes, I'll wait. It doesn't matter to me, just as long as I can be with you. Just knowing how you feel about me is enough to make me happy. That, and maybe some icecream," he added, eyes twinkling merrily.
I laughed and jumped up, heading into the kitchen. "Come on you," I commanded. "Let's go feed that stomach of yours."
As Tai stood and eagerly began to follow me, I smiled to myself, thinking. Tai loves me, and he's willing to wait for me. I never thought that would happen in a million years. I was always so sure Tai was heterosexual. But to find out he's quite the opposite, and that I am the person of his desires.... well, let's just say it's more than I ever could have hoped for. It seems like my life has suddenly taken a flying leap into the clouds. Or even the stars.
Now, if only this problem with Kento and his gang would take care of itself.
+-+-+-+
"Matt!" Ratsuii yelled happily when I walked into band room 3.
It was two days later. And it also happened to be the first time I had shown up for band practice in almost seven months. Needless to say, the band was quite glad to see me.
"Yo Ratsuii, what's up?" I greeted him.
"Not much," he automatically replied. "You?"
"Lots," I said truthfully.
"Oh really?" Kenji asked, raising an eyebrow. "And what all falls under this 'lots'?"
I blushed and sat down near Kenji's drums.
Nyusumi noticed this and shouted out, "Oh, someone's got himself a new girlfriend!"
I snorted, knowing very well that Nyusumi knew it wasn't true. He just wanted to tease me.
"Hardly the truth," I said.
"Oh? So what is it then?" Nyusumi persisted. "If it's not a girlfriend, then it's got to be a boyfriend." He grinned.
My blush deepened, even though that wasn't exactly true. Close enough, however.
"Woah," Kenji commented, raising his hands as if to say 'stop'. "A boyfriend? That's a pretty harsh comment, Ny."
"Why?" Ratsuii asked.
"Well, isn't it implying that Matt is gay? You don't even know that."
"Hey, stop talking about me as if I'm not here!" I exclaimed crossly. I suddenly didn't like where this conversation was going.
"Sorry Matt," Kenji said.
"Anyways, Kenji, for your information both Nyusumi and Ratsuii know whether I am or not, and I'll have you know that I most certainly am gay," I informed him.
"Really?"
I rolled my eyes. "If I wasn't I certainly wouldn't say it, now would I?"
"So do you have a boyfriend?" Nyusumi cut in anxiously.
"Sorta..." I said sheepishly.
"What do you mean sorta?"
"Well, the other night...." I began, then went on to explain what happened between Tai and me.
"You turned him down?" Ny asked in disbelief when I had finished. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I didn't exactly turn him down," I said defensively. "I just said I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. He's willing to wait for me."
"That may be true, but just how long is he willing to wait? I really don't think he'll wait forever."
"Neither do I," I retorted.
"Well, you like him don't you?"
I nodded.
"Then what the hell are you waiting for?"
"I'm just afraid.... I don't want to get hurt.... I just want to wait and make sure this is really what I want, that I'm really ready to make a commitment to somebody."
Nyusumi softened considerably. "I can understand your point Matt. I just don't want you to wait too long and find Tai no longer wants you. I don't want to see you get hurt Matt."
"Ooh, sounds like Asashi's got a crush on Ishida!" Kenji yelled.
I was about ready to laugh at the absurdity of Ny liking me, when I saw the way Ny reacted to Kenji's comment. His face had turned completely red, and he was staring down at the ground in embarrassment.
My mouth reacted before my mind did.
"WHAT?! Oh my God, you like me Nyusumi? I can't believe that! Why didn't you tell me? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Sorry," he mumbled, as he stood and bolted from the room.
Kenji stared after him in shock, obviously surprised his teasing comment had turned out to be real, and Ratsuii shot daggers at me, his normally bright green eyes growing dark with anger.
"Matt!" he shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you? Look what you just did! Not only did you ruin band practice, but you totally hurt Ny's feelings in a bad way! Couldn't you have been more sensitive about it?"
"Oops?" I suggested meekly.
He let out an exasperated sigh. "Matt! Be serious! You should go find him and talk to him."
"Allright, allright, geez," I grumbled, surrendering.
I got up and went to the door. "I'll be back in a little while, hopefully with Nyusumi."
Kenji and Ratsuii nodded, and I set off in search of the purple haired mental case.
I found Nyusumi sobbing at his favorite spot behind the bleachers in the abandoned gym, the one we used before the new one was built.
He had his knees drawn up against his chest, and his head was buried in them. He didn't acknowledge my footsteps.
"Ny?" I asked, standing over him.
He didn't look up, just continued his sob fest.
I sighed inwardly and sat down beside him.
"Ny?" I asked again, a hint of pleading in my voice.
"What?" came the muffled reply.
At least he answered me.
I sighed again, out loud this time.
"Ny, I don't know what to say," I told him truthfully. "Except that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I was just surprised, and my mouth reacted before the rest of me did. I'm sorry," I begged him.
He nodded, then propped his arms on his knees and put his head on top of his arms, staring off into the distance, not looking at me. He was still crying, but it was considerably less noisy.
"So how long have you liked me?" I asked in an attempt to get him to talk.
He just shrugged.
I tried again. "Are you mad because of what I said back in the band room?"
He shook his head.
"Ny, please talk to me," I begged. "Why won't you talk to me? I really am sorry."
He shrugged again, silent tears continuously rolling down his cheeks.
"I've always liked you," he said at last. "Ever since I've known you."
"How come you never said anything to me?" I asked, relieved he was finally speaking to me.
"Because of Tai. I always suspected you liked him, and when you told me several months ago, you just confirmed what I already guessed. And I had long since seen that he liked you. Everything he said or did reflected it. I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want to have to suffer through the pain of rejection. As long as I kept my feelings to myself, I could pretend about your feelings for Tai otherwise. But I knew the second I told you, I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. Because they would be out in the open. I'd have to face them, and that was something I didn't want. I couldn't do that. Because admitting my feelings for you meant admitting you didn't feel the same way, and I couldn't deal with that.
"When I first began to like you, I denied it, chalked it up to hormonal infatuation. But the years passed, and I found myself growing more and more attracted to you. When we started the second year as a band, I knew I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I'd had them since we were twelve. So I knew that, at fifteen, I had fallen hopelessly in love with you."
"Love?" I asked him, my voice thick with emotion.
He nodded, fighting fresh tears.
I stayed silent, not sure what to say. I didn't want to hurt him, but he was right. I would reject him. Hell, I already had whenever I first told him about Tai. I just hadn't know it.
"Ny-" I began, but was cut off when he burst into wild, heart shattering sobs. "Please don't say it!" he wailed. "I already know you only feel friendship for me, but please don't actually say it! It only makes it worse!"
"Allright," I agreed. "I won't say it."
Then I scooted closer to him and pulled him close to me in a tight hug.
It felt kind of strange to be hugging him. After all, it's not normal for two seventeen year old boys to hold each other, with one crying his heart out. But then again, neither Ny or I had ever been normal.
+-+-+-+
"Where the hell were you two? You've been gone for almost an hour!" Kenji demanded when Ny and I walked into Band room 3.
Ny just shrugged and wiped away a few stray tears before giving the band his traditional Nyusumi grin.
I didn't say anything.
"Well, you two cool with each other now?" Ratsuii asked tentatively.
"Yeah, we're cool," I told him. Cool as we can be after having Ny cry in my chest for an hour. I bet you anything he is going to be SO embarrassed later.
Suddenly a pounding sounded on the locked door. Ratsuii crossed over to it and yanked it open. "What?" he asked, slightly irritated.
A young boy was standing there, looking excited. "Is Ishida Yamato in here?" he asked.
I tensed at hearing my full name. I didn't allow anyone to use it anymore, because it reminded me of the way Ken always called me Yamato.
"I'm here," I said, stepping forward.
The boy looked over at me. "Well, I'm here to tell you that apparently your brother has locked himself in one of the classrooms on the second floor."
"Why?" I asked confused.
He shrugged. "Don't know, but he's been in there for the past hour or so, crying. None of the other students or teachers can get in."
Reaching past Ratsuii, I thrust out a hand and grabbed his collar and yanked him in the room, then threw him against the wall. "What room is he in?" I barked.
His blue eyes widened, and he stared at me, frightened. "Room 223," he stuttered.
"Thanks," I muttered, releasing him. Then I was gone, running out the room and upstairs to where Takeru was.
I wouldn't have even needed the room number to find Takeru. The second I came up the stairs, I could see a crowd gathered at the other end of the hall. They were all gathered around room 223.
Speeding up, I ran over to where they were, yelling for Takeru.
Tai and Mimi were the first to spot me. Almost simultaneously, they yelled, "Matt!'" Upon hearing me, a bunch of other people turned.
I went over to the door and started pounding on it. "Takeru," I called. "Takeru, are you in there? Let me in!"
"Matt?" came the shaky reply. Then I practically fell over as the door opened. Takeru was standing there crying, tears streaming down his face. He looked awful. His face was all red and puffy, and his hair was all mussed up.
Going over to him, I put an arm around his shoulder and let him out of the room and down the stairs to the exact spot in the old gym I had just been in comforting Ny.
When I was sure nobody had followed us, I sat Takeru down and pulled him on to my lap.
"Calm down and tell me what's wrong," I instructed.
"Oh Matt," he sobbed. "It was so awful."
I pulled him closer to me, holding him tight and stroking his hair. "Shh, it's okay Takeru. Just tell me what happened."
"Daisuke," he began, but didn't get any farther as he collapsed into tears all over again.
"What about Daisuke?" I asked him.
But it was no use. I wasn't getting anything out of him for the time being.
"Matt?" a voice asked.
I looked up to see Nyusumi standing over me, a concerned look on his face.
"What's wrong with Takeru?" he said.
I raised my left shoulder a little then lowered it in a half hearted shrug. "I don't know, he won't tell me. All he said is Daisuke."
Ny squatted down beside me and put a hand on Takeru's shoulder.
"Takeru," he said softly, "what happened between you and Daisuke? Did you tell him about it?"
"Yes," was Takeru's heartbroken sob.
"Tell him about what?" I asked confused. But I was ignored.
"I told him!" Takeru wailed into my chest, though he was still talking to Ny. "And he ... he-" once again, he didn't get any farther.
Instead he just let me hold him and sobbed until he eventually fell asleep in my arms.
Once I was sure he was sleeping soundly, I looked over at the purple haired boy beside me. "Ny, what's wrong with Takeru? What happened between him and Daisuke that I don't know about?"
"Takeru likes Daisuke," Ny told me simply, and suddenly everything clicked into place.
"Ohhhh," I said slowly. "So Takeru must have told Daisuke today, and Daisuke rejected him?"
"Apparently so."
"How come I never knew about Takeru's feelings but you did?"
"Takeru was afraid to mention it to you because he was afraid that if you didn't like gays, then you would disown him as a brother. But me and the rest of the band know."
"WHAT?! But why would Takeru think I'd be against gays?"
"Well, you know, because of...." Nyusumi trailed off, hesitant.
I swallowed hard. "Because of.... because of .... Ken?"
He nodded.
I sighed and looked down at the sleeping blond in my arms. "Oh Takeru," I said softly.
"Matt? We thought you guys would be here," Tai's voice said.
I looked up and saw him and Mimi standing over me.
"So what's wrong with Takeru?" Mimi asked.
I hesitated, not sure how Takeru would feel about me telling everybody.
Tai noticed my uncertainty and told me it was okay. "You don't have to tell us if you don't think Takeru would want us to know. We just wanted to make sure he's okay."
"I think he'll be fine," I assured them. "Don't worry about him."
Tai came over to me and caressed my cheek, making me blush slightly. "But will you be? You scared a lot of people back there, barreling through there yelling for Takeru, eyes all wild and murderous."
"I'll be fine," I said. "You know me, overprotective Matt, always watching out for his little brother. I guess it's just leftover days from the Digital World."
"Don't I ever," Tai snorted.
"What's the Digital World?" Nyusumi asked.
I paused. "Uh..... remind me to tell you and the band sometime," I finally said. "It's a long story."
"What should we do with Takeru?" Mimi asked, interrupting us. "We can't just leave him here."
I looked at Takeru, who was still sleeping, although not very well. His face kept shifting, and he was muttering inaudibly.
"I guess I'll take him home," I told her. I glanced over at Tai. "If any of our teachers ask where I am, tell them I got sick and went home. That is, if they haven't heard about Takeru."
"Right. Will do," he said, saluting and giving me a goofy grin.
I nodded back at him, then carefully stood, holding Takeru close to my chest. It was kinda awkward, since he was so tall. He was almost as tall as me. He had grown a lot these past few years.
"Matt?" Ny asked hesitantly, and I turned halfway.
"Yes?"
"Can I... can I call you later?"
I smiled softly. "Sure."
+-+-+-+
It took me forever to carry Takeru back to the apartment. Not only had he gotten taller, but he was a lot heavier. Then again, I hadn't carried him anywhere since the Digital World, so I would hope he had gained weight in that time!
He started to wake as I lay him down on my bed.
"....Mmm... Matt?" he mumbled sleepily.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Thanks?" I ask in confusion. "For what?"
He shrugged, his eyes open and staring now. "For taking care of me."
"Oh.... Well, you're welcome."
I guess, anyways, since I really didn't do anything.
"So what happened back at school?" I ventured.
Takeru bowed his head, intently studying his hands.
"I told Daisuke I loved him. And he told me he had never seen me in that way," he said softly, then begin to cry.
I could only watch him helplessly.
"I hate him so much!" Takeru said with sudden venom. "I hate him for doing this to me! And yet, I love him too. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him and all I want from him is for him to love me back but he won't and I hate him!"
Was this how Ken felt, then, when I rejected him that very first time, before he raped me?
If so, I can understand what led him to do what he did that day. It wasn't justifiable, but understandable, and I think if it had been left at that, I could have forgiven him, continued to cultivate his friendship. But for him to carry it on....
Takeru's wail of despair cut into my thoughts, reminded me where I was at the moment.
"I want Daisuke!" he sobbed. "It hurts so much! I just want it to go away. Make it go away Matt. Please.."
I went and sat next to him.
"I can't do that, Takeru," I told him quietly. "Because the pain won't go away, not as long as Daisuke doesn't feel the same way. The best you can hope for is for the pain to slowly go away and fade with time, until it's nothing but a distant memory you've shoved into a corner of your brain to be forgotten as best as possible."
He buried his face into my shirt. "But what if I don't want it to be that way?"
"Don't want what? For Daisuke to not love you, or for the pain to go away?"
"For me to have to make the pain go away," he clarified, explaining everything to my shirt, as if it was trying to understand him, and not me. "I know you keep all your feelings bottled up-" I didn't know shirts had feelings "-but that's not just the way I do things Matt." Wow, my shirt and I shared the same name. "I can't just tell the hurt to go into time out in some corner of my brain so I can try to forget its existence."
"Why not?" I questioned, my face slightly confused. "It works for me." And my shirt apparently. "All that pain Ken caused me, I pretty much forget all about it."
"Liar," he said simply.
So now he's accusing me shirt of being a liar?
"Huh?"
"You're lying. What Ken did still very much affects you. That's why you have those nightmares at night, why you cry when you think Dad isn't watching or listening, and it's why you aren't going out with Tai, despite the fact that you like him."
I gaped at my little brother. "How do you know all that, aniki?"
He peered up into my face. "I'm not stupid, oniichan. And neither is Dad. He knows you're still not over what Ken did. He's worried about you. He had to vent on someone."
"So he chose you."
"Right."
"But then what about Tai? How do you know about that?"
He blushed. "Kari told me. She said you told Tai that you'd rather wait."
"I'm gonna kill Tai," I threatened under my breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
+-+-+-+
The stars are so pretty at night. I never actually noticed this before. I was always too wrapped in my own life to pain any attention to the stars.
But now, ever since Ken, I often climb to the roof of our apartment building and watch the stars.
I usually come out here to think and reflect. On what Ken did to me, how I feel about Tai, about life.... It's usually a muddle of jumbled up thoughts, whatever floats through my brain while I sit out here.
A lot of stars are out tonight. They're just sitting up there in the vast darkness, twinkling and lighting the world with their shine. Usually they're not so easy to see because of all the pollution Odaiba is developing, but for some reason I can see them clearly tonight. I don't know why.
Anyways, right now I'm thinking about Nyusumi. About what he said to me today. This is the first chance I've had to reflect on his words all day, since I had to deal with Takeru earlier, who is actually asleep in my room at the moment.
Nyusumi. I had no idea how he felt about me. That all this time I had told him my feelings for Tai, he was harboring his own feelings. For moi. (That's about the only French I know, by the way. Tai and I decided to take a French class one year, but failed and just stuck to English instead.) And to think... he had loved for me for a long, long time.... And never once was I aware of it, never once had I sensed something different about him. I mean, I had known that Ny was no more straight than I was, but this I had never suspected!
Hell, I wouldn't have suspected it from any of the band, for that matter. Besides, Kenji and Ratsuii are straight. Sure, they been with their fair share of guys, but they've said on several occasions before: "We don't actually like guys that way, and never will we love a guy. We're simply being open to new things, and experimenting while we're young."
Which was understandable. I had myself had dated girls before, although I had never slept with any of them. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. Besides, I wanted to remain pure, save my virginity for Tai. Except that Ken had stolen it.
See what I mean? My thoughts drift. I can't stay on one topic. They're all mixed up. I start off by thinking about Ny, and end up on Ken stealing my virginity.
Just then I spot a shooting star.
It reminds me of a time in the Digital World.
Tai and I had gotten separated from the others, and we were lost in the woods by ourselves. Finally we decided to just wait until the next morning before searching for the others, since we had already been looking for hours.
Well, I had been tired, and so I lay on my back in a grassy clearing, Tai lay down next to me. There had been a bunch of stars in the sky, much like tonight. Tai and I had been talking about our dreams, what we wanted to do with our life. Then he asked me to tell one thing I had always wished for ever since I was little.
I can remember my reply as clearly as if I had said it yesterday.
"Well, ever since my parents split up, I haven't been the same. I withdrew from everything, lost all my friends. "So then everytime I used to see a shooting star, I always wished that one day I'd have friends again, and that they'd be real friends, people I could count on to trust and always be able to tell my secrets to and be able to say what I was feeling without feeling stupid. But now I no longer wish that."
"Why?" Tai had asked me.
"Because it already came true."
Overhead, a shooting star had gone by.
Looking back on that night, I always thought it rather ironic.
I still do.
But now, I don't wish on shooting stars anymore. I have nothing to wish for.
I have friends now, friends that care about me.
I'm content with my life, despite what I went through with Ken.
And I hope to never feel differently.
Above me, a second shooting star goes by.
+-+-+-+
"Matt!"
I snapped my head up, taking a welcome break from my homework. "Yeah, Dad?" I called out.
He appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. "That was your mother on the phone. She said Takeru never came home from school."
The words were out before I could stop them. "Oh fuck! Takeru!" I yelled.
Dad glared at me. "Please do not use that kind of language in my house, Yamato."
I tensed up. "Don't call me that!" I shouted.
"Yamato, don't shout at me."
"I said, don't call me that," I repeated. But my voice was trembling, as was the rest of my body.
Luckily Takeru appeared in the doorway behind dad, clothes wrinkled, hair mussed up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Stop shouting," he murmured. "I'm trying to sleep."
Dad whirled around. "Takeru, what are you doing here?"
"Matt brought me this afternoon," he said, in a voice still fogged with exhaustion.
"Whatever for?"
"Because."
Dad raised an eyebrow, but decided not to ask. Instead, he said, "Your mother's worried. You should have called her. As it is, it's late and I'm sure your mother would greatly appreciate it if you went home about now."
"Aw Dad, can't I stay here the night? Please? I'll call Mom."
"Well...." Dad hesitated, looking to me.
I shrugged. "I don't care."
Dad sighed. "Allright. But call Natsuko right away."
Takeru grinned. "Thanks Dad! Matt, where's your phone? It's not on the cradle."
I scrunched my face up, thinking. "I believe it's in Dad's room."
"Allright, thanks!" he raced off.
"What's your phone doing in my room? You know I don't like it when you go in there, Yamato."
"Don't call me that dammit!" I screamed. Then calmly I said, "I had the phone in there that day I was hiding from Ken, and I haven't taken it out since."
I don't think Dad was listening, he was still startled from my yell.
"Now listen up Yamato, I told you earlier-"
"Don't call me that don't call me that don't call me that!" I chanted, putting my hands over my ears. "Don't call me that don't call me that.."
I didn't realize I was rocking back and forth until Dad's hands were laid upon my shoulder and I was forced to stop.
"Yamato-" he began, but my shriek drowned out any farther words he might have said.
"NO!!! Don't call me that!" I screamed.
Oh God I can't breathe can't breathe, what's wrong with me why can't I breathe? My heart is pounding, I can feel it beating against my insides, trying in vain to escape. But God I can't breathe why can't I breathe I'm so scared.
Yamato....I love you.
Ken... I'm sorry, but I don't.... I don't feel that way for you.
Yamato, where have you been? I was extremely lonely all this time.
Oh yes, Yamato, again. And you know what? You're gonna fuck me until you please me again, because there's nothing better than total satisfaction in knowing you've had great sex.
No.... please don't Ken.... please stop.... please stop...
"please stop..... please stop...."
"Matt? Matt? Matt!"
"Tai...." I gasped. "I need..."
oh God, can't breathe... yamete kudasai....Ken..don't call me that....Yamato.... fuck me again... can't breathe why can't I breathe..so afraid...
+-+-+-+
"...Matt?"
That's Tai's voice.
He sounds worried. I wonder why.
"Matt, are you awake?"
I groan.
"Matt!"
"....Tai...."
"Matt, you're awake! Are you okay?"
"..Ken.."
Can't breathe....I'm afraid...... Ken... Yamato.... I love you....
End Part 2.
Author's Notes: Aw, poor Yama baby! He had a panic attack! I'm sorry for making him suffer! But it's so much fun! ^_^ he's so cute when he's in pain...
Anyways, this story is really coming along fast for me. It's probably going to be really long, much longer than Untold Secrets was. Which is good, because it means more for you all. (I refuse to say yall and reveal that I'm from the south. ^_~ but at least I'm not a hick.) I just hope I don't think of a sequel to this fic.. And no, that is NOT a hint! I had already have enough fics, I don't need anymore! ^^;;;
part three:one
Digimon - NC-17 - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 99633 - Updated: 11-21-05 - Published: 11-01-01
Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine. The song, Bokura no Digital World, is not mine. That is all. Translation from Megchan's site.
--->Translation:
|You wished on a shooting star
|That you would meet some true friends
|It's a rough road, without even a map
|An unending, eternal adventure|
Waiting
Chapter 2-Shooting Stars
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
*sequel to Untold Secrets*
|Nagareru hoshi ni negai wo kaketa
|Honto no nakama deaeru you ni
|Dekoboko michi de chizu sae nai yo
|Owaru koto naku hateshinai adobencha|
"Yeah. You see... I'm in love with you."
I stared at the brunette next to me in complete and utter shock, my mind having not completely processed that statement yet.
"You're... You're in love with me?" my shocked voice croaked out.
He nodded, his eyes beginning to fill with sad tears.
"Yeah. Oh Matt, I'm so sorry, I really am, I'm so stupid.... I shouldn't have ever fallen in love with you, I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry... please don't hate me...I can understand if you don't want to talk to me ever again, but please don't hate me Matt...."
"Tai," I said fondly. "Thank you."
He stopped his incessant babbling at once. "What?"
"Thank you," I repeated softly.
"F-For what?"
I smiled. "Thank you for telling me. I'm glad you had the courage, and you have no idea how glad it makes me to hear that."
"So... You don't hate me?" he ventured cautiously.
"No idiot, of course I don't hate you."
He let out a sigh of relief.
"But," I went on, "I- .... I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship just yet. I ... I do like you too, but...." I shrugged helplessly, not quite sure how to word what I was feeling.
"I'll wait," Tai said. "For however it long it takes, I'll wait. It doesn't matter to me, just as long as I can be with you. Just knowing how you feel about me is enough to make me happy. That, and maybe some icecream," he added, eyes twinkling merrily.
I laughed and jumped up, heading into the kitchen. "Come on you," I commanded. "Let's go feed that stomach of yours."
As Tai stood and eagerly began to follow me, I smiled to myself, thinking. Tai loves me, and he's willing to wait for me. I never thought that would happen in a million years. I was always so sure Tai was heterosexual. But to find out he's quite the opposite, and that I am the person of his desires.... well, let's just say it's more than I ever could have hoped for. It seems like my life has suddenly taken a flying leap into the clouds. Or even the stars.
Now, if only this problem with Kento and his gang would take care of itself.
+-+-+-+
"Matt!" Ratsuii yelled happily when I walked into band room 3.
It was two days later. And it also happened to be the first time I had shown up for band practice in almost seven months. Needless to say, the band was quite glad to see me.
"Yo Ratsuii, what's up?" I greeted him.
"Not much," he automatically replied. "You?"
"Lots," I said truthfully.
"Oh really?" Kenji asked, raising an eyebrow. "And what all falls under this 'lots'?"
I blushed and sat down near Kenji's drums.
Nyusumi noticed this and shouted out, "Oh, someone's got himself a new girlfriend!"
I snorted, knowing very well that Nyusumi knew it wasn't true. He just wanted to tease me.
"Hardly the truth," I said.
"Oh? So what is it then?" Nyusumi persisted. "If it's not a girlfriend, then it's got to be a boyfriend." He grinned.
My blush deepened, even though that wasn't exactly true. Close enough, however.
"Woah," Kenji commented, raising his hands as if to say 'stop'. "A boyfriend? That's a pretty harsh comment, Ny."
"Why?" Ratsuii asked.
"Well, isn't it implying that Matt is gay? You don't even know that."
"Hey, stop talking about me as if I'm not here!" I exclaimed crossly. I suddenly didn't like where this conversation was going.
"Sorry Matt," Kenji said.
"Anyways, Kenji, for your information both Nyusumi and Ratsuii know whether I am or not, and I'll have you know that I most certainly am gay," I informed him.
"Really?"
I rolled my eyes. "If I wasn't I certainly wouldn't say it, now would I?"
"So do you have a boyfriend?" Nyusumi cut in anxiously.
"Sorta..." I said sheepishly.
"What do you mean sorta?"
"Well, the other night...." I began, then went on to explain what happened between Tai and me.
"You turned him down?" Ny asked in disbelief when I had finished. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I didn't exactly turn him down," I said defensively. "I just said I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. He's willing to wait for me."
"That may be true, but just how long is he willing to wait? I really don't think he'll wait forever."
"Neither do I," I retorted.
"Well, you like him don't you?"
I nodded.
"Then what the hell are you waiting for?"
"I'm just afraid.... I don't want to get hurt.... I just want to wait and make sure this is really what I want, that I'm really ready to make a commitment to somebody."
Nyusumi softened considerably. "I can understand your point Matt. I just don't want you to wait too long and find Tai no longer wants you. I don't want to see you get hurt Matt."
"Ooh, sounds like Asashi's got a crush on Ishida!" Kenji yelled.
I was about ready to laugh at the absurdity of Ny liking me, when I saw the way Ny reacted to Kenji's comment. His face had turned completely red, and he was staring down at the ground in embarrassment.
My mouth reacted before my mind did.
"WHAT?! Oh my God, you like me Nyusumi? I can't believe that! Why didn't you tell me? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Sorry," he mumbled, as he stood and bolted from the room.
Kenji stared after him in shock, obviously surprised his teasing comment had turned out to be real, and Ratsuii shot daggers at me, his normally bright green eyes growing dark with anger.
"Matt!" he shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you? Look what you just did! Not only did you ruin band practice, but you totally hurt Ny's feelings in a bad way! Couldn't you have been more sensitive about it?"
"Oops?" I suggested meekly.
He let out an exasperated sigh. "Matt! Be serious! You should go find him and talk to him."
"Allright, allright, geez," I grumbled, surrendering.
I got up and went to the door. "I'll be back in a little while, hopefully with Nyusumi."
Kenji and Ratsuii nodded, and I set off in search of the purple haired mental case.
I found Nyusumi sobbing at his favorite spot behind the bleachers in the abandoned gym, the one we used before the new one was built.
He had his knees drawn up against his chest, and his head was buried in them. He didn't acknowledge my footsteps.
"Ny?" I asked, standing over him.
He didn't look up, just continued his sob fest.
I sighed inwardly and sat down beside him.
"Ny?" I asked again, a hint of pleading in my voice.
"What?" came the muffled reply.
At least he answered me.
I sighed again, out loud this time.
"Ny, I don't know what to say," I told him truthfully. "Except that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I was just surprised, and my mouth reacted before the rest of me did. I'm sorry," I begged him.
He nodded, then propped his arms on his knees and put his head on top of his arms, staring off into the distance, not looking at me. He was still crying, but it was considerably less noisy.
"So how long have you liked me?" I asked in an attempt to get him to talk.
He just shrugged.
I tried again. "Are you mad because of what I said back in the band room?"
He shook his head.
"Ny, please talk to me," I begged. "Why won't you talk to me? I really am sorry."
He shrugged again, silent tears continuously rolling down his cheeks.
"I've always liked you," he said at last. "Ever since I've known you."
"How come you never said anything to me?" I asked, relieved he was finally speaking to me.
"Because of Tai. I always suspected you liked him, and when you told me several months ago, you just confirmed what I already guessed. And I had long since seen that he liked you. Everything he said or did reflected it. I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want to have to suffer through the pain of rejection. As long as I kept my feelings to myself, I could pretend about your feelings for Tai otherwise. But I knew the second I told you, I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. Because they would be out in the open. I'd have to face them, and that was something I didn't want. I couldn't do that. Because admitting my feelings for you meant admitting you didn't feel the same way, and I couldn't deal with that.
"When I first began to like you, I denied it, chalked it up to hormonal infatuation. But the years passed, and I found myself growing more and more attracted to you. When we started the second year as a band, I knew I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I'd had them since we were twelve. So I knew that, at fifteen, I had fallen hopelessly in love with you."
"Love?" I asked him, my voice thick with emotion.
He nodded, fighting fresh tears.
I stayed silent, not sure what to say. I didn't want to hurt him, but he was right. I would reject him. Hell, I already had whenever I first told him about Tai. I just hadn't know it.
"Ny-" I began, but was cut off when he burst into wild, heart shattering sobs. "Please don't say it!" he wailed. "I already know you only feel friendship for me, but please don't actually say it! It only makes it worse!"
"Allright," I agreed. "I won't say it."
Then I scooted closer to him and pulled him close to me in a tight hug.
It felt kind of strange to be hugging him. After all, it's not normal for two seventeen year old boys to hold each other, with one crying his heart out. But then again, neither Ny or I had ever been normal.
+-+-+-+
"Where the hell were you two? You've been gone for almost an hour!" Kenji demanded when Ny and I walked into Band room 3.
Ny just shrugged and wiped away a few stray tears before giving the band his traditional Nyusumi grin.
I didn't say anything.
"Well, you two cool with each other now?" Ratsuii asked tentatively.
"Yeah, we're cool," I told him. Cool as we can be after having Ny cry in my chest for an hour. I bet you anything he is going to be SO embarrassed later.
Suddenly a pounding sounded on the locked door. Ratsuii crossed over to it and yanked it open. "What?" he asked, slightly irritated.
A young boy was standing there, looking excited. "Is Ishida Yamato in here?" he asked.
I tensed at hearing my full name. I didn't allow anyone to use it anymore, because it reminded me of the way Ken always called me Yamato.
"I'm here," I said, stepping forward.
The boy looked over at me. "Well, I'm here to tell you that apparently your brother has locked himself in one of the classrooms on the second floor."
"Why?" I asked confused.
He shrugged. "Don't know, but he's been in there for the past hour or so, crying. None of the other students or teachers can get in."
Reaching past Ratsuii, I thrust out a hand and grabbed his collar and yanked him in the room, then threw him against the wall. "What room is he in?" I barked.
His blue eyes widened, and he stared at me, frightened. "Room 223," he stuttered.
"Thanks," I muttered, releasing him. Then I was gone, running out the room and upstairs to where Takeru was.
I wouldn't have even needed the room number to find Takeru. The second I came up the stairs, I could see a crowd gathered at the other end of the hall. They were all gathered around room 223.
Speeding up, I ran over to where they were, yelling for Takeru.
Tai and Mimi were the first to spot me. Almost simultaneously, they yelled, "Matt!'" Upon hearing me, a bunch of other people turned.
I went over to the door and started pounding on it. "Takeru," I called. "Takeru, are you in there? Let me in!"
"Matt?" came the shaky reply. Then I practically fell over as the door opened. Takeru was standing there crying, tears streaming down his face. He looked awful. His face was all red and puffy, and his hair was all mussed up.
Going over to him, I put an arm around his shoulder and let him out of the room and down the stairs to the exact spot in the old gym I had just been in comforting Ny.
When I was sure nobody had followed us, I sat Takeru down and pulled him on to my lap.
"Calm down and tell me what's wrong," I instructed.
"Oh Matt," he sobbed. "It was so awful."
I pulled him closer to me, holding him tight and stroking his hair. "Shh, it's okay Takeru. Just tell me what happened."
"Daisuke," he began, but didn't get any farther as he collapsed into tears all over again.
"What about Daisuke?" I asked him.
But it was no use. I wasn't getting anything out of him for the time being.
"Matt?" a voice asked.
I looked up to see Nyusumi standing over me, a concerned look on his face.
"What's wrong with Takeru?" he said.
I raised my left shoulder a little then lowered it in a half hearted shrug. "I don't know, he won't tell me. All he said is Daisuke."
Ny squatted down beside me and put a hand on Takeru's shoulder.
"Takeru," he said softly, "what happened between you and Daisuke? Did you tell him about it?"
"Yes," was Takeru's heartbroken sob.
"Tell him about what?" I asked confused. But I was ignored.
"I told him!" Takeru wailed into my chest, though he was still talking to Ny. "And he ... he-" once again, he didn't get any farther.
Instead he just let me hold him and sobbed until he eventually fell asleep in my arms.
Once I was sure he was sleeping soundly, I looked over at the purple haired boy beside me. "Ny, what's wrong with Takeru? What happened between him and Daisuke that I don't know about?"
"Takeru likes Daisuke," Ny told me simply, and suddenly everything clicked into place.
"Ohhhh," I said slowly. "So Takeru must have told Daisuke today, and Daisuke rejected him?"
"Apparently so."
"How come I never knew about Takeru's feelings but you did?"
"Takeru was afraid to mention it to you because he was afraid that if you didn't like gays, then you would disown him as a brother. But me and the rest of the band know."
"WHAT?! But why would Takeru think I'd be against gays?"
"Well, you know, because of...." Nyusumi trailed off, hesitant.
I swallowed hard. "Because of.... because of .... Ken?"
He nodded.
I sighed and looked down at the sleeping blond in my arms. "Oh Takeru," I said softly.
"Matt? We thought you guys would be here," Tai's voice said.
I looked up and saw him and Mimi standing over me.
"So what's wrong with Takeru?" Mimi asked.
I hesitated, not sure how Takeru would feel about me telling everybody.
Tai noticed my uncertainty and told me it was okay. "You don't have to tell us if you don't think Takeru would want us to know. We just wanted to make sure he's okay."
"I think he'll be fine," I assured them. "Don't worry about him."
Tai came over to me and caressed my cheek, making me blush slightly. "But will you be? You scared a lot of people back there, barreling through there yelling for Takeru, eyes all wild and murderous."
"I'll be fine," I said. "You know me, overprotective Matt, always watching out for his little brother. I guess it's just leftover days from the Digital World."
"Don't I ever," Tai snorted.
"What's the Digital World?" Nyusumi asked.
I paused. "Uh..... remind me to tell you and the band sometime," I finally said. "It's a long story."
"What should we do with Takeru?" Mimi asked, interrupting us. "We can't just leave him here."
I looked at Takeru, who was still sleeping, although not very well. His face kept shifting, and he was muttering inaudibly.
"I guess I'll take him home," I told her. I glanced over at Tai. "If any of our teachers ask where I am, tell them I got sick and went home. That is, if they haven't heard about Takeru."
"Right. Will do," he said, saluting and giving me a goofy grin.
I nodded back at him, then carefully stood, holding Takeru close to my chest. It was kinda awkward, since he was so tall. He was almost as tall as me. He had grown a lot these past few years.
"Matt?" Ny asked hesitantly, and I turned halfway.
"Yes?"
"Can I... can I call you later?"
I smiled softly. "Sure."
+-+-+-+
It took me forever to carry Takeru back to the apartment. Not only had he gotten taller, but he was a lot heavier. Then again, I hadn't carried him anywhere since the Digital World, so I would hope he had gained weight in that time!
He started to wake as I lay him down on my bed.
"....Mmm... Matt?" he mumbled sleepily.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Thanks?" I ask in confusion. "For what?"
He shrugged, his eyes open and staring now. "For taking care of me."
"Oh.... Well, you're welcome."
I guess, anyways, since I really didn't do anything.
"So what happened back at school?" I ventured.
Takeru bowed his head, intently studying his hands.
"I told Daisuke I loved him. And he told me he had never seen me in that way," he said softly, then begin to cry.
I could only watch him helplessly.
"I hate him so much!" Takeru said with sudden venom. "I hate him for doing this to me! And yet, I love him too. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him and all I want from him is for him to love me back but he won't and I hate him!"
Was this how Ken felt, then, when I rejected him that very first time, before he raped me?
If so, I can understand what led him to do what he did that day. It wasn't justifiable, but understandable, and I think if it had been left at that, I could have forgiven him, continued to cultivate his friendship. But for him to carry it on....
Takeru's wail of despair cut into my thoughts, reminded me where I was at the moment.
"I want Daisuke!" he sobbed. "It hurts so much! I just want it to go away. Make it go away Matt. Please.."
I went and sat next to him.
"I can't do that, Takeru," I told him quietly. "Because the pain won't go away, not as long as Daisuke doesn't feel the same way. The best you can hope for is for the pain to slowly go away and fade with time, until it's nothing but a distant memory you've shoved into a corner of your brain to be forgotten as best as possible."
He buried his face into my shirt. "But what if I don't want it to be that way?"
"Don't want what? For Daisuke to not love you, or for the pain to go away?"
"For me to have to make the pain go away," he clarified, explaining everything to my shirt, as if it was trying to understand him, and not me. "I know you keep all your feelings bottled up-" I didn't know shirts had feelings "-but that's not just the way I do things Matt." Wow, my shirt and I shared the same name. "I can't just tell the hurt to go into time out in some corner of my brain so I can try to forget its existence."
"Why not?" I questioned, my face slightly confused. "It works for me." And my shirt apparently. "All that pain Ken caused me, I pretty much forget all about it."
"Liar," he said simply.
So now he's accusing me shirt of being a liar?
"Huh?"
"You're lying. What Ken did still very much affects you. That's why you have those nightmares at night, why you cry when you think Dad isn't watching or listening, and it's why you aren't going out with Tai, despite the fact that you like him."
I gaped at my little brother. "How do you know all that, aniki?"
He peered up into my face. "I'm not stupid, oniichan. And neither is Dad. He knows you're still not over what Ken did. He's worried about you. He had to vent on someone."
"So he chose you."
"Right."
"But then what about Tai? How do you know about that?"
He blushed. "Kari told me. She said you told Tai that you'd rather wait."
"I'm gonna kill Tai," I threatened under my breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
+-+-+-+
The stars are so pretty at night. I never actually noticed this before. I was always too wrapped in my own life to pain any attention to the stars.
But now, ever since Ken, I often climb to the roof of our apartment building and watch the stars.
I usually come out here to think and reflect. On what Ken did to me, how I feel about Tai, about life.... It's usually a muddle of jumbled up thoughts, whatever floats through my brain while I sit out here.
A lot of stars are out tonight. They're just sitting up there in the vast darkness, twinkling and lighting the world with their shine. Usually they're not so easy to see because of all the pollution Odaiba is developing, but for some reason I can see them clearly tonight. I don't know why.
Anyways, right now I'm thinking about Nyusumi. About what he said to me today. This is the first chance I've had to reflect on his words all day, since I had to deal with Takeru earlier, who is actually asleep in my room at the moment.
Nyusumi. I had no idea how he felt about me. That all this time I had told him my feelings for Tai, he was harboring his own feelings. For moi. (That's about the only French I know, by the way. Tai and I decided to take a French class one year, but failed and just stuck to English instead.) And to think... he had loved for me for a long, long time.... And never once was I aware of it, never once had I sensed something different about him. I mean, I had known that Ny was no more straight than I was, but this I had never suspected!
Hell, I wouldn't have suspected it from any of the band, for that matter. Besides, Kenji and Ratsuii are straight. Sure, they been with their fair share of guys, but they've said on several occasions before: "We don't actually like guys that way, and never will we love a guy. We're simply being open to new things, and experimenting while we're young."
Which was understandable. I had myself had dated girls before, although I had never slept with any of them. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. Besides, I wanted to remain pure, save my virginity for Tai. Except that Ken had stolen it.
See what I mean? My thoughts drift. I can't stay on one topic. They're all mixed up. I start off by thinking about Ny, and end up on Ken stealing my virginity.
Just then I spot a shooting star.
It reminds me of a time in the Digital World.
Tai and I had gotten separated from the others, and we were lost in the woods by ourselves. Finally we decided to just wait until the next morning before searching for the others, since we had already been looking for hours.
Well, I had been tired, and so I lay on my back in a grassy clearing, Tai lay down next to me. There had been a bunch of stars in the sky, much like tonight. Tai and I had been talking about our dreams, what we wanted to do with our life. Then he asked me to tell one thing I had always wished for ever since I was little.
I can remember my reply as clearly as if I had said it yesterday.
"Well, ever since my parents split up, I haven't been the same. I withdrew from everything, lost all my friends. "So then everytime I used to see a shooting star, I always wished that one day I'd have friends again, and that they'd be real friends, people I could count on to trust and always be able to tell my secrets to and be able to say what I was feeling without feeling stupid. But now I no longer wish that."
"Why?" Tai had asked me.
"Because it already came true."
Overhead, a shooting star had gone by.
Looking back on that night, I always thought it rather ironic.
I still do.
But now, I don't wish on shooting stars anymore. I have nothing to wish for.
I have friends now, friends that care about me.
I'm content with my life, despite what I went through with Ken.
And I hope to never feel differently.
Above me, a second shooting star goes by.
+-+-+-+
"Matt!"
I snapped my head up, taking a welcome break from my homework. "Yeah, Dad?" I called out.
He appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. "That was your mother on the phone. She said Takeru never came home from school."
The words were out before I could stop them. "Oh fuck! Takeru!" I yelled.
Dad glared at me. "Please do not use that kind of language in my house, Yamato."
I tensed up. "Don't call me that!" I shouted.
"Yamato, don't shout at me."
"I said, don't call me that," I repeated. But my voice was trembling, as was the rest of my body.
Luckily Takeru appeared in the doorway behind dad, clothes wrinkled, hair mussed up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Stop shouting," he murmured. "I'm trying to sleep."
Dad whirled around. "Takeru, what are you doing here?"
"Matt brought me this afternoon," he said, in a voice still fogged with exhaustion.
"Whatever for?"
"Because."
Dad raised an eyebrow, but decided not to ask. Instead, he said, "Your mother's worried. You should have called her. As it is, it's late and I'm sure your mother would greatly appreciate it if you went home about now."
"Aw Dad, can't I stay here the night? Please? I'll call Mom."
"Well...." Dad hesitated, looking to me.
I shrugged. "I don't care."
Dad sighed. "Allright. But call Natsuko right away."
Takeru grinned. "Thanks Dad! Matt, where's your phone? It's not on the cradle."
I scrunched my face up, thinking. "I believe it's in Dad's room."
"Allright, thanks!" he raced off.
"What's your phone doing in my room? You know I don't like it when you go in there, Yamato."
"Don't call me that dammit!" I screamed. Then calmly I said, "I had the phone in there that day I was hiding from Ken, and I haven't taken it out since."
I don't think Dad was listening, he was still startled from my yell.
"Now listen up Yamato, I told you earlier-"
"Don't call me that don't call me that don't call me that!" I chanted, putting my hands over my ears. "Don't call me that don't call me that.."
I didn't realize I was rocking back and forth until Dad's hands were laid upon my shoulder and I was forced to stop.
"Yamato-" he began, but my shriek drowned out any farther words he might have said.
"NO!!! Don't call me that!" I screamed.
Oh God I can't breathe can't breathe, what's wrong with me why can't I breathe? My heart is pounding, I can feel it beating against my insides, trying in vain to escape. But God I can't breathe why can't I breathe I'm so scared.
Yamato....I love you.
Ken... I'm sorry, but I don't.... I don't feel that way for you.
Yamato, where have you been? I was extremely lonely all this time.
Oh yes, Yamato, again. And you know what? You're gonna fuck me until you please me again, because there's nothing better than total satisfaction in knowing you've had great sex.
No.... please don't Ken.... please stop.... please stop...
"please stop..... please stop...."
"Matt? Matt? Matt!"
"Tai...." I gasped. "I need..."
oh God, can't breathe... yamete kudasai....Ken..don't call me that....Yamato.... fuck me again... can't breathe why can't I breathe..so afraid...
+-+-+-+
"...Matt?"
That's Tai's voice.
He sounds worried. I wonder why.
"Matt, are you awake?"
I groan.
"Matt!"
"....Tai...."
"Matt, you're awake! Are you okay?"
"..Ken.."
Can't breathe....I'm afraid...... Ken... Yamato.... I love you....
End Part 2.
Author's Notes: Aw, poor Yama baby! He had a panic attack! I'm sorry for making him suffer! But it's so much fun! ^_^ he's so cute when he's in pain...
Anyways, this story is really coming along fast for me. It's probably going to be really long, much longer than Untold Secrets was. Which is good, because it means more for you all. (I refuse to say yall and reveal that I'm from the south. ^_~ but at least I'm not a hick.) I just hope I don't think of a sequel to this fic.. And no, that is NOT a hint! I had already have enough fics, I don't need anymore! ^^;;;
part three:one